I have been in a poly relationship for the last 5 and half years. It has gone through many different transitions and is now in the middle of another, but it is feeling much more unmanageable than in the past.
Current situation: I am a male in a V relationship with my wife of 12 years (together for 17), Dahlia, and my female lover of 5.5 years, Daisy. Daisy has been dating and has decided she wants a primary.
History: we were a quad, two couples, but the other couple divorced. The male chose to leave the relationship. The three of us continued. We were a triad for about a year, but that was not working, so we transitioned to a V, with many bumps along the way. Daisy has been clear, since her divorce, that she wants a primary. Both Dahlia and I have been supportive of that.
Problem: Daisy has been dating over the last year and things are getting more and more serious with one of her dating partners. She's recently started dating Doug (whom I have not met), and has been becoming intimate with him over the last two months. She has shared she believes she is falling in love with him. Unfortunately, she has chosen not to tell him about us, or the other relationships she has currently. I have stated I disagree with this, but felt it was her decision to do so or not. But I never believed she would go so long without telling him.
At this point, all of Daisy's relationships are being severely strained. I am very uncomfortable continuing to be open, to share, to be sexual and intimate with her. I feel she is holding out to see which prospect works out best. But this could be simply my fear and jealousy speaking. I am very uncomfortable with spending time with her in an intimate fashion. I don't like her telling Doug that she is "with friends" or "has work to do."
My thought solution: I do not feel comfortable giving Daisy a "tell him or else" ultimatum, as that seems like a power play. On the other hand, I do not feel comfortable continuing our relationship in an intimate fashion, if she is building a monogamous relationship by withholding information. We have had this conversation and awful fights. She feels like I am trying to control her. I feel like I am asking for a decision from her to either commit to this relationship, or to tell me she is no longer poly (or interested in this poly relationship), so she can explore her new relationship.
At this point, I am thinking of giving it to the end of the week, and if Daisy not come to a decision, to cut off all communication with her. At this point, I hope with a little time this could be different. I can not be just friends, and do not want to be. I will need time to mourn the loss of someone I love deeply. Daisy meets with her therapist tomorrow and has asked to have some time to decide. She has been saying this for over three weeks now. I figure giving her till the end of the week to address it is reasonable.
My problem is that, in the meantime, she is acting like nothing is wrong, asking me out, wanting to have sex, and go out, and do all the things we normally do (and plan for things in the months to come). I feel like a sham going along with it.
In the end, I believe she is struggling with whether she is poly or not. She has told me this, and this is what I have feared over the last month. Maybe she will have her needs met better in a monogamous relationship. I understand that, but I can't ride this yo-yo any longer while she decides. Am I unfair to ask her to commit or move on?
It affects so many people's lives. I do not feel it's fair for me to make the decision alone, but I don't feel like others are making a decision, just waiting it out to see what happens.
Sorry for the length, but I am at a complete loss.
Current situation: I am a male in a V relationship with my wife of 12 years (together for 17), Dahlia, and my female lover of 5.5 years, Daisy. Daisy has been dating and has decided she wants a primary.
History: we were a quad, two couples, but the other couple divorced. The male chose to leave the relationship. The three of us continued. We were a triad for about a year, but that was not working, so we transitioned to a V, with many bumps along the way. Daisy has been clear, since her divorce, that she wants a primary. Both Dahlia and I have been supportive of that.
Problem: Daisy has been dating over the last year and things are getting more and more serious with one of her dating partners. She's recently started dating Doug (whom I have not met), and has been becoming intimate with him over the last two months. She has shared she believes she is falling in love with him. Unfortunately, she has chosen not to tell him about us, or the other relationships she has currently. I have stated I disagree with this, but felt it was her decision to do so or not. But I never believed she would go so long without telling him.
At this point, all of Daisy's relationships are being severely strained. I am very uncomfortable continuing to be open, to share, to be sexual and intimate with her. I feel she is holding out to see which prospect works out best. But this could be simply my fear and jealousy speaking. I am very uncomfortable with spending time with her in an intimate fashion. I don't like her telling Doug that she is "with friends" or "has work to do."
My thought solution: I do not feel comfortable giving Daisy a "tell him or else" ultimatum, as that seems like a power play. On the other hand, I do not feel comfortable continuing our relationship in an intimate fashion, if she is building a monogamous relationship by withholding information. We have had this conversation and awful fights. She feels like I am trying to control her. I feel like I am asking for a decision from her to either commit to this relationship, or to tell me she is no longer poly (or interested in this poly relationship), so she can explore her new relationship.
At this point, I am thinking of giving it to the end of the week, and if Daisy not come to a decision, to cut off all communication with her. At this point, I hope with a little time this could be different. I can not be just friends, and do not want to be. I will need time to mourn the loss of someone I love deeply. Daisy meets with her therapist tomorrow and has asked to have some time to decide. She has been saying this for over three weeks now. I figure giving her till the end of the week to address it is reasonable.
My problem is that, in the meantime, she is acting like nothing is wrong, asking me out, wanting to have sex, and go out, and do all the things we normally do (and plan for things in the months to come). I feel like a sham going along with it.
In the end, I believe she is struggling with whether she is poly or not. She has told me this, and this is what I have feared over the last month. Maybe she will have her needs met better in a monogamous relationship. I understand that, but I can't ride this yo-yo any longer while she decides. Am I unfair to ask her to commit or move on?
It affects so many people's lives. I do not feel it's fair for me to make the decision alone, but I don't feel like others are making a decision, just waiting it out to see what happens.
Sorry for the length, but I am at a complete loss.
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I am so sorry you are in this untenable position. Here's my two cents worth (not that it's necessarily worth even that much):