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  #21  
Old 04-19-2011, 10:33 PM
Eloise Eloise is offline
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So I was resolved to move on
painful though it would be
and I told them
it was time for me to go
because I wouldn't stop crying
and
I did not need them to tell me I was petulant
or that my pain was petty
or I was overreacting
"just because it was a little play"
And I told him he was not the man he should have been
that night
when he knew I was miserable
and why he thought I would be happy for their selfish actions
I don't know.
And I think it drove home to them
what it was this was doing to me.
I was told stay
I was told please stay
WE will work it out, you don't have to handle your pain alone
they said
And so I said if if if if
this were to work out
all play between parties
any person or parties
was to be suspended
and this included some aspects of flirting
such as flashing bare breast.
Because I am not going to heal thinking they will do this again
no matter how irrational that fear
because I learned the hard way
I need to spell it out for them.
And so here I am again
giving them another chance
because my tears are so frequent they frighten and make my couple realize
how terrible I still am feeling
And they are taking responsibility for their part
because they knew I had a past history of being abused
and left out
and left behind
and feeling unwanted
And the male of my couple said it was never worth it, that night of play, to see me so hurt.
And I suppose we shall see from there.
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  #22  
Old 04-20-2011, 05:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Im glad you got your point across to them, eloise. Good luck with continued progress!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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  #23  
Old 05-09-2011, 12:40 PM
Eloise Eloise is offline
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Here is an interesting development
maybe
in our talks
the three of us have had.
when he said "do you want to ask me something
you haven't before"
it was a major hint
he hadn't said something
and so I said "what were you thinking
that night
you played
and chose to play
and didn't even tell me
and even denied it was swinging
preferring to call it "sexy fun between friends"
and described how she made you feel wanted
when I had neglected you for weeks
due to school...
what were you thinking when it was happening?
And he said I didn't neglect him
and he was wrong in not realizing it all fell under the same label of swinging
and
herein
I am not sure
he said he was thinking "I don't want to do anything"
when play started
but he didn't want to ruin the fun
his wife was having
so he barely participated
before sending the other woman back
and he said he wished desperately I was there
so he simply thought a little play would be harmless
and he found out
in his bid to make everyone in his immediate company happy that night
by not being the cold shower
he lost the trust of someone who wasn't even there
And his wife
had said I didn't even count
when it was the two of them alone
something I wish I had been made aware of
since I had counted her insecurities
even when she wasn't present
and I suppose it's fair to say
I verbally pounded her for her selfishness
when she expressed a desire
to continue swinging
despite the fact things aren't settled.
So there is a halt to all swinging
because it has fallen to me
to make the rules
to ask the difficult questions
and ultimately if this will work out
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  #24  
Old 05-09-2011, 01:59 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eloise View Post
Here is an interesting development, maybe, in our talks the three of us have had.

When he said, "Do you want to ask me something you haven't before?" it was a major hint he hadn't said something. So I said, "What were you thinking that night you chose to play, and didn't even tell me, and even denied it was swinging, preferring to call it 'sexy fun between friends,' and described how she made you feel wanted when I had neglected you for weeks due to school? what were you thinking when it was happening?" And he said I didn't neglect him and he was wrong in not realizing it all fell under the same label of swinging.

and herein I am not sure. he said he was thinking, "I don't want to do anything," when play started, but he didn't want to ruin the fun his wife was having. so he barely participated before sending the other woman back.

he said he wished desperately I was there, so he simply thought a little play would be harmless. but he found out, in his bid to make everyone in his immediate company happy that night (by not being the cold shower) he lost the trust of someone who wasn't even there.

And his wife had said I didn't even count, when it was the two of them alone. something I wish I had been made aware of, since I had counted her insecurities even when she wasn't present.

and I suppose it's fair to say I verbally pounded her for her selfishness when she expressed a desire to continue swinging, despite the fact things aren't settled. So there is a halt to all swinging because it has fallen to me to make the rules, to ask the difficult questions, and ultimately [determine] if this will work out.
Hey Eloise, I just took the liberty of reformatting your post so I can read it more easily. Sorry you 3 are still struggling with combining swinging with your poly-triad.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 05-09-2011 at 02:02 PM.
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  #25  
Old 05-09-2011, 02:22 PM
Eloise Eloise is offline
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Thank you Magdyln. Did not quite occur to me that I should try to keep it in format. Duh.

So no one is rushing anything and I am trying so very hard to not be unfair. Although at times it feels I am pulling teeth and breaking down their illusions and defenses and even lies.
It turns out the two of them, when they were swinging as a couple, never made up rules except "no pressure." Because she was content to just follow whatever he wanted, and he has always made sure she is safe and content.
So I am struggling to separate out the feeling of being betrayed with viable, reasonable rules to put everyone on the same side.
My rules so far: 1.) I am to be treated with the same consideration and respect that the male of my couple asked I treat his wife with at the start. 2.) NO SWINGING until this thing is settled 3.) review of the rules after a few months to see if they're working will be necessary.
But when they keep asking how they can make amends... for that I'm at a loss.
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  #26  
Old 05-19-2011, 05:50 PM
Eloise Eloise is offline
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So it's been left to me to juggle my emotions with finding a way to get us all on the same page, to set up rules and boundaries that are reasonable for everyone.

This while I deal with some old PTSD issues that have reared their head again.

This while I have to tell them again and again honesty is required and it will be hard and.

And they insist they only were kissing and hugging the other woman they cheated on me with because she seemed nervous when she came to visit a few weeks ago and they thought I was fine with it since I had said "oh I'm fine with her visiting." (Guess that also was supposed to mean kissing and hugging and snuggling was also okay...because to them that was just being flirty....)

This, knowing the first person the male in my life defended was the woman he played with that night... and his own reluctance to tell her he didn't feel like playing. Because it might hurt her feelings.
Because she's a good woman.
Because she's been through a lot; a few boyfriends that didn't treat her as well as they should have.

Meanwhile, in my past life, I've been robbed, raped, beaten, cheated on, stalked...isn't that a little difficult too? And they know this, this couple in my life.

And yet he says "we'll rebuild your trust in us it just takes time." How much time. How much time do I owe them. How much do I owe them when they have fought me on so many things, even on the semantics between "swinging" and "sexy fun between friends" so they didn't believe it was necessary to tell me what was going on.

What do I owe them when I of all people am not only the most damaged of the 3 of us but they benefit most from me forcing them to see their shortcomings and I am still wrestling with feelings of rage and betrayal.

And yet they say, that couple, they love me they don't want me to go, they want to work it out. They tell me they don't want the other person, they want me.

So I wonder and I ask, because I do know I am emotional right now:
1.) what good would telling the other woman that her lover of the evening didn't want to play? It would probably hurt her feelings.
As far as she knows, she forgave me for overreacting and bringing what she said was "negativity to a beautiful experience between everyone involved that night."

For me, it wasn't beautiful. It was pain, hurtful, exclusionary, and the couple in my life even admitted they sort of knew what they did would tick me off, but "oh well she'll get over it."

How spiteful am I to think I want that woman to know her advances weren't welcome that night.
What kind of person am I to think that sort of thing, even if I don't voice it?
I recognize I am all over the place.
I want to try to to heal this... I don't dare try to work on this seriously when my state of mind is all over and flailing.

Last edited by Eloise; 05-19-2011 at 06:56 PM. Reason: I need to learn how to write all over again
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  #27  
Old 05-19-2011, 06:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Can you put another space after your paragraphs, please? (hit "enter" twice) It's hard to read without line breaks.
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  #28  
Old 05-19-2011, 06:57 PM
Eloise Eloise is offline
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apologies... I'll get the hang of this..
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  #29  
Old 05-19-2011, 07:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Honestly, it doesn't seem like they have your best interest at heart at all, nor that they hold any consideration for your feelings. I think perhaps it might be time to move on. Maybe find people who are truly poly to be involved with, rather than swingers.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #30  
Old 05-20-2011, 12:52 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Honestly, it doesn't seem like they have your best interest at heart at all, nor that they hold any consideration for your feelings. I think perhaps it might be time to move on. Maybe find people who are truly poly to be involved with, rather than swingers.
What she said.
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