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Old 10-16-2010, 07:50 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Coastal BC
Posts: 19
Default Whimsey's wonderings and wanderings


I'm fairly new here and posted on the New to Polyamory page a couple of days ago. I've felt such support and understanding, but thought maybe starting a blog type thread for myself might be easiest...that way everything at least begins in one place.

I already introduced myself in that thread and had many wonderfully supportive and thought-provoking replies. If you're reading this and have been to that thread, you can likely skip this entry entirely

If you want to see that thread it can be found here:

But here's the pertinent bits for now (and yes I write long and I tend to occasionally babble...another reason to keep things contained here!):

Originally Posted by whimsey View Post
Heyla all,

History: I've been married to my DH 17 years, together for 22...met in first year college, we have one son (age 11). February of 2009 I caught my husband cheating (yes, I snooped) - that relationship had been going since the previous summer but wasn't physically sexual until that December. It was difficult to say the least, but we were working through things, slowly but with positivity when I discovered in May 2009 that he'd had another affair before that one, and after that it came out that there had been quite a history of sexual encounters over the previous 2 years as well...There's a lot more to all of this, but those are the big points.

Its been a long road, and a challenging one, but we had been doing okay, I was healing from the betrayal of my trust and he had said I had all the time I needed. The trust was coming back and so was the intimacy, which had been difficult for me. Then at the end of this August, he gave me a letter, stating he loved me and needed me but had needs beyond what he could get in our marriage and that it was basically opening up or going our separate ways. I was floored and, frankly, incredibly hurt. We'd discussed polyamory before - when I first discovered he was cheating, since his lover at the time was poly and he wanted to explore the idea with me at that point. We talked a LOT about it then, but it never went anywhere and he seemed to be happily mono and dedicated to making the marriage work and it just stopped being a topic of discussion. Anyways, he gave me the letter, there was a lot of discussion and he backed down on the ultimatum but told me how important this was to him.

That's how I discovered these boards - I read everything I could find, I journaled and blogged and questioned whether I could do this for him, for us. I found strength in the blogs and posts but several of the mono's here, and kept bringing more questions back to DH. I wasn't ready for anything but shared what I'd been reading and asked him to do the same...I expressed concerns and fears and he had plenty of answers, but hadn't done any reading, and over the course of Sept I began to have suspicions that he'd found someone else...he was wanting to negotiate guideline and move forward, when I was saying that I was gaining understanding but needed time, and needed him to look at some of the materials I was looking at, etc. He had ready answers for all my questions – answers I now know were rooted in experience.

Sure enough, he'd started corresponding with someone during the summer, a woman who lives in a city across the country, a city in which he's going to be spending 9 days in November...they spend hours each day communicating intimately, and had made plans for those 9 days, and possibly a meeting before then. He fessed up after I showed him my private blog (2 weeks ago) because he'd accused me of not respecting his needs for more than one partner and his ability to balance and love and care for multiple lovers, and said that I was just going through the motions of exploring poly. I guess my blog convinced him otherwise - I had done a LOT of reading and much, much more soul searching and processing, all of which I had shared with him in conversations, but he didn't buy it until he saw the pages of entries.

So now I know about her and that brings us to today. She is flying in to a nearby city (about 2 hrs away) this weekend and he is going to meet her there on Friday and stay over until Saturday in a different hotel. I have asked that they not spend the night together, and she says penetrative sex is off the table. That's about as much as I have been able to get in the way of guidelines. Trust is obviously a huge issue for me, and this is not what I want....I requested slow, slow, slow, and no physical intimacy at all….he says they need to know if there is chemistry between them and that they want to be able to make out/fool around/share a bed. And that seems to be the end of it. It feels like there is little to no respect for my feelings and that I am getting lip service to having a say.

I feel like I am being dragged kicking and screaming into this...I wanted them to take things slow, but they are already very involved. I could insist they break it off, but I know that would hurt both of them and the repercussions would damage our already fragile marriage. I asked for them to slow down and that doesn't seem to be happening. We were able to negotiate some boundaries in terms of when communication between them would end for the night, so our nights are just ours, but that is it for the day to day. I feel I have been understanding and given them much more than most people in my position would. He tells me he has strong feelings for her and that she makes him really happy. He also says he's with me for the long haul and loves me and needs me as well.

I do love him and want to figure this out, make our marriage work, but I have already walked a path very similar to this and trusted and thought things were better, and got blindsided again. I am afraid that this last betrayal might be more than I can take, combined with the speed at which things are progressing. I had done so much processing and know that I was already leaning towards saying yes to his request, so I don't want to be unfair and dig in my heels out of petulance. At the same time, I am being consumed with hurt and fear and jealousy and grief. We are talking about it for hours at a time, to the detriment of our relationship in some ways, because that is all we talk about.

Sorry for the length...I hope I was clear enough in all my babbling. I find I'm living in a pretty intense adrenaline state most of the time, as I am facing so many things at once - not just the marriage opening, but the fact that it already had without my consent, on top of the cheating from last year which I was just recovering from, on top of feeling manipulated into exploring polyamory when they had already planned to get together in November if not sooner, and pretend that they had just met at that point...There are so many layers that I'm dealing with that I'm completely overwhelmed...


Last edited by whimsey; 10-16-2010 at 08:12 AM.
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Old 10-16-2010, 08:10 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Coastal BC
Posts: 19
Default This is the moment...

And now we're into that actual night I've been dreading.

It's real, it's happening right now. It's almost 1:00 am and he said he'd call me tonight once he left her place....but all of a sudden yesterday she dug in her heels and wanted to change that one boundary I had asked for, and really insisted upon - that they not spend the night together.

She gave him an all or nothing ultimatum...and it was left at that. So I have NO idea what's going on...last I heard, yesterday, was that he was going to stand firm on that and had suggested to her ending the night between 2:00 and 3:00 am. I guess if I want to talk to him and have some sense of what's going on I just need to stay up...and not knowing and not having any sense of time/parameters or anything is kind of completely killing me.

Trust is a huge issue, given our history. He has promised to stand firm to this guideline and I did talk to him briefly at 10:00 when he called to say goodnight to DS and to check in quickly. At that point it was all neutral and confusing to him, and they were going out for drinks...and that's where it's been left.

I think there are many reasons for my angst...There's been no easing into dating - they're starting with a long 2 day visit, even if they don't sleep together. I found out about them 3 weeks ago, they've never met, and have had a LD relationship, this is their first meeting, so they want to know if the chemistry is there in person. He's going to be gone most of tomorrow, because of travel time and the fact that he wants to maximize his time with her, and I haven't seen him since last night - it's already been 24 hours without seeing him, and will be another 20 before I do. That's incredibly hard for a first ever date, even if we can text or talk a little bit. Trust is a HUGE issue...I keep saying that, I know...but his history of cheating and the fact that the 2 of them made plans for how to keep things a secret from me and how and when they'd tell me...after he'd promised me no more lies, no matter what, and all the time in the world to heal from the cheating and betrayals of before...

But bottom line, not having any clue as to what's going on? That's the worst in this moment, because my imagination kicks ass, and is going full on into overdrive. And maybe I shouldn't have expectations for knowing what's going on...and maybe down the road if this path is the one we continue walking, it'll really not matter. But right now, it does matter.

Anyways...trying not to have a pity party. I am doing fairly well...Keeping busy, reading posts here, doing a bit of tidying, hanging out with DS (11) - from here on to be identified as the boyo, mixing up a fresh batch of henna for doing my hair tomorrow, watching the Project Runways I'd saved for tonight when I knew I'd need some distracting brain candy...

No tears, still and yet, which is good. Anxiety beyond words, can't eat, bit of a panic attack at midnight and again just now...I guess that's when I can watch the passing of time...And really, a lot of numbness...I think I'm keeping a lot down until I get more information. For all I know there won't be any spark...or the boundary issues cause serious troubles...or...anything could be happening and I'm a pretty chill and logical person, even despite all this hard stuff I'm facing, and I guess I don't see the point of letting myself get lost in the emotions until I know what they'll be. So I know I'm packing stuff down and it will come out later, but since I don't know what will come out...I'm just being okay with myself. Allowing the panic and anxiety a bit, then distracting myself.

I have to say that I am not always this rational and calm...and that I could easily, with one phone call, go right off the deep end. We'll see. I have some anti-anxiety meds sitting on the kitchen counter should it come to that...they're ready but I'm trying to see if i can go without them.

Anyways, enough for now...
These posts will be LONG, for anyone who comes reading, because I write to process...and will often write in a great big circle, with little spurs off the line and treks into weird places...but ending up where I started with some answers or solutions...It's how my strange brain works...
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Old 10-16-2010, 08:41 AM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 165

Whimsey, you seem like a woman with a good plan. Keep going and breath.
It's hard and taking care of yourself is most important. You are showing a great amount of courage and trust. So keep doing until your at a place you can rest.
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Old 10-16-2010, 09:07 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 633

Hang in there Whimsey. These things can work out well. We've just been hanging out on the couch watching a movie (way different time zone) and I could barely contain the love I feel for Z. And yet just over two years ago I was exactly where you are, although not handling it nearly so well.

The coming together after the time away can be wonderful if you let it.

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Old 10-16-2010, 09:40 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Coastal BC
Posts: 19

Thanks Sage and LMBL

As the night progresses, I'm beginning to spiral.

I'm glad I lasted as long as I did. I think I was expecting a short text or call informing me of the direction of things, since it was so completely up in the air, literally all or nothing.

And I presume he's lost himself in her and I have to accept that...I was quite confident that would be the case, but it's ripping me apart right now...mostly not being informed. And maybe that's an unfair expectation...last I heard, over 4 hours ago, was they were going for drinks, and last call was half an hour ago...so I think there would have been room in there for a short text.

I need to quit hoping for information...this is nothing new, he routinely loses himself in whatever his focus is.

But I'm still struggling, because last I heard, last night, he'd call me, and so I'm waiting up.
And maybe I should've said not to. I can't go to bed right now, because if I'm not around when he wants to call, he'll be worried.


Thanks for saying I'm handling it well, and showing courage...
I had to grow a LOT after the affairs, because he didn't break the main one off for months...I lived like this for a long time.
And he'd moved down the street, though we still had meals together in the evenings. I had to learn to live as a single person, a single mom, because DS stays here...and that gave me strength and a knowledge that even if it's hard, I can at least rely on myself, and take care of myself.

Tonight I don't want to, though.
I want to not be alone, I want to lean on someone.
Mostly, I want a long, deep hug.
I am incredibly tactile. I want to be held and I want a hug.

I'll keep breathing, and keep busy.
I'm planning my next 2 tattoos...and I'm going to get them soon.
I was going to get them after the affairs...and then didn't.

LMBL - when you said breathe, you called it...that's one tattoo
the other is serenity.
And I need those reminders.
Wrote them on myself with a sharpie, actually

I'll be okay.
I know I will.
I just would like to not being living in my imagination...

Thanks ladies, for listening and letting me rant a wee bit and mostly for offering such lovely support.
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Old 10-16-2010, 10:35 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Coastal BC
Posts: 19

That spiraling?

Going a little (lot) out of control.

No word well past when I was told I'd hear from him...
Then a terse, completely vague text saying he's running late.

In my private blog I said if I hadn't heard from him by 3:30 I was going to bed - I have a boyo here who needs a mom who's had SOME sleep...and given that I managed 3 hours last night and the night before and only 1 hour the night before that...sleep is very important.

But calling it a night means emailing or texting, either of which makes a noise on his phone, and I was avoiding that out of respect, not wanting him to feel pressured. Because while I want to pressure, if this is about trust, I need to trust.

That's really hard right now.

And I have no idea if I should wait up now or not. Because I have to presume he's still with her...if he weren't he could call or text as he walked or caught a cab back to his hotel.

Maybe I'm jumping to horrid conclusions.

I'm upset, because this is me extending all my trust and faith in the face of severe betrayal yet again. With only 3 weeks of knowing about her at all, and 5 weeks of being told it was poly or nothing for him (though he backed down on that a bit).

So shattered, and already broken and burnt by past experiences...it would seem to me that I should be treated with a bit of care.

I asked him, when we were talking poly, and talking relationships, before I knew about her...I said that what I needed was to be treated with at least the same level of consideration and respect and care that any woman he became involved with would be treated.

And that was a light bulb moment for him, because he hadn't thought of things in that light, and realized that in the past (and currently, though I didn't know about his GF), he wasn't treating me nearly as well, let alone the same as, any of his other women. There's something about me, and he and I, and our dynamic,that makes it harder for him to see my needs. And its not me not expressing them, because I DO. And I think its fair to say that its not because he isn't treated with respect, consideration and care... I'm okay if he weighs in on that, because I think it's pretty fair and accurate.

Anyways....maybe its an emergency, maybe something else.

All I know is she resisted the 'curfew' and cutting things off and going their own ways for a few hours tonight. And that the end time, as I was informed by him, was 2:00 - 2:30, with a little wiggle room. So 3:05...makes me wonder.

I started out relatively positive and very calm and organized...
and now the negativity is showing, and it is becoming a bit of a rant/pity party.

At least I *know* I'll snap out of it by tomorrow at the latest, because I don't do grudges.

and *sob*
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Old 10-16-2010, 10:42 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 758

I'm taking a break from the forum, but your post pulled me in. It sounds so similar to Karma and I.

We wouldn't be where we are without a lot of hard, honest talks. And Karma putting in a lot of work to gain back the trust he violated.

I question why your husband isn't willing to do this. To put forth the effort it takes. Karma lost all privacy after I found out. I've loosened up, now. But for awhile I was checking everything. And he let me. (Huge thing for him). He followed every request I made, no matter how pointless or trivial he thought it was.

Karma thought I was at a standstill too, for quite awhile. Until I let him in on where I had been and where I was.

Communication is talked about all over this forum and there's a reason for it. You both have got to communicate.

There's a lot of growth to be had, working through something like this.

I'd like to think we're on the otherside of it now, but we still have some bumps in the road.

From what I can see, your husband seems to be ignoring your needs in all of this. He's got to respect you and your feelings. And you him. This is a two way street.

I hope you get your phone call. I know waiting without knowing anything kills me.

And I hope when he comes home, regardless of how this weekend goes for him, the two of you can talk, and he can respect your needs.

It's not going to work if he doesn't.
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Old 10-16-2010, 12:53 PM
whimsey whimsey is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Coastal BC
Posts: 19


I guess I'm going to be sleep deprived after all.

That did NOT go well.
Between he and I.
It seemed to go well between he and his GF, except the leaving at the end...

He got back to the hotel far later than I'd imagined. And there was no communication about how long he'd be. And I did lose my cool, which was not well done of me. I don't tend to really lose it, but...

He said he had to stay because she was emotional and needed to be held.
I was bordering on hysterical and needing to be reassured.

And it was a hard place for him to be in, and I completely get that...

But he also lost his cool and it went downhill from there.

And so instead of a positive re-connect...I felt NO connection at all.
It was so hard. It is continuing to be so hard, because he's gone all tomorrow (today) until late, and works all Sunday - 14 hours.

I'll try something different tomorrow and not ask for any communication. Because maybe that will be better. I have no idea. Basic travel info and if there's anything he wants to share with me, I'm here. If not....boyo and I will keep busy and we'll have to see where my brain goes.

I don't know.

I'm really sad because I started this evening and tonight really strong and positive. And maybe if I hadn't waited up for him that would've continued.
I'll never know.

Feeling discouraged and ever so lonely right now.
Am going to crawl into bed and see if I can't get 3 - 4 hours sleep...
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Old 10-16-2010, 01:41 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 165

Whimsey, Don't beat yourself up. You have been through a difficult situation and you did what you need to do to see trust. You are strong and brave.
2 days is a very long date.

Keep breathing and you will get through the day. You can do this, then talk when you are calm.
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Old 10-16-2010, 01:50 PM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 37

Whimsey, did you manage to get any sleep? My heart is aching for you. I'm sorry that hearing from your husband didn't help. Right now you deserve a lot of gratitude and appreciation for the huge effort you are making, and it doesn't sound like you are getting it. Frankly your husband is behaving like a monster.....but that doesn't mean he *is* a monster or that he doesn't love you. Mine was a monster too when he was deep in NRE and seemed to be turning away from me, refusing to see my pain. It was like temporary insanity. That has passed and now we are closer than we have ever been. I hope this can happen for you too, that your relationship will grow stronger from this. Give yourself a lot of credit for what you are doing....you are challenging your heart to expand in a totally unfamiliar direction. If nothing else, you'll learn a lot about yourself and about love. Keep doing kind things for yourself! Sending you hugs and best wishes.
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affair, affairs, cheating, cheating and poly

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