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Old 01-23-2012, 06:50 AM
spacegrl7 spacegrl7 is offline
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Default New and need help.

Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been talking about poly for a while. We've had some threesomes, done lots of talking, and are looking for potential partners. I am not really into women and he is not into men, at all. So we've decided to have different partners instead of sharing one (ie. a single woman). He has been very upfront with his potential partner and she is agreeable. However, I am working my way up to this and feel that from a female standpoint it's harder to talk to a potential partner (a male) about this. I have been exploring a relationship with a guy and he knows my boyfriend and is friends with him. We have made plans to hang out without my boyfriend. The PP (potential partner) is aware of me dating and living with his friend and he is also aware that my boyfriend knows about us hanging out. My boyfriend told him himself. So here comes the tricky part. I want to talk to PP about having a relationship with him. How do I do it. He's very smart and very open-minded. Any advice would be much appreciated as I have no idea where to begin or even how to bring it up. I do know that I would like to bring it up in person though.

Last edited by spacegrl7; 01-23-2012 at 07:01 AM. Reason: Moving to a different Forum
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  #2  
Old 01-23-2012, 09:48 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hi there!

There's tons of advice already as to "how to bring up poly". "Dating" and "coming out" might be useful tag searches. To put it very shortly, I would drop increasing hints, mention my bf going on a date, talk about polyamory on the news or in fiction, etc.
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:14 AM
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I don't know why you think it's harder for a woman than it is for a man, unless you mean that you just don't have much experience asking men out. Start practicing! It gets easier every time. Generally, women have a much easier time finding additional partners than men do.

Anyway... it would sound a little weird to start off right away with "I want a relationship with you." If I were you, when you are hanging out with him, you can just tell him that you and your bf have agreed not to be monogamous anymore, and are okay with each of you dating other people now. That should be enough to start an interesting discussion. Then, when it feels right, you could say something to the effect of, "Would you be interested in going out with me?" or "Would you like to go out with me sometime, as my date?" Just be easy-breezy with a hint of flirty. I don't know what other word you could use beside "date," if that sounds lame and old-fashioned to you, but substitute whatever you think appropriate.

If he hesitates, you can tell him to double-check with your bf to confirm that it's okay with him. If he says yes, then go out with him and see how it feels. Take it slowly and see, after a few dates, if he is actually someone you want a relationship with. You might not. The thing to remember is this: it's not a race. Just because you and your bf decided to go for polyamory doesn't mean you have to both run out and each find an additional partner right away, and at the same time. Don't try to fit people into this opening or role you have now, just see if there are people you're drawn to and get to know them, see if you fit together nicely. It is usually the case that one person in a couple will click with someone else before the other does. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:51 PM
threesnocrowd threesnocrowd is offline
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As a man I think its very simple. Just be open, honest, and direct. Men really appreciate that. Especially if this is someone you already know. Just tell him what is on your mind and how you feel and how your boyfriend feels and give him some time to process it. He may be turned off to the idea or amenable to it. You can't influence the outcome or his decision but you can have control over your approach and in my opinion, being direct about this is the way to go. Good luck to you!
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Old 01-24-2012, 05:52 PM
spacegrl7 spacegrl7 is offline
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Thanks all of you so much I did actually talk to him about poly. He appears to only be into monogamy. Which is okay because he is a super cool person and I like just hanging out and talking with him. @ Nycindie, How does one handle it when the other partner (who is not very picky) finds someone that they want to be with but you haven't yet? My BF, out of respect for me, has only been on dates with the person that he is interested in. However, it was very apparent last night, after we both returned from our dates that he was kind of upset with the fact that he didn't get to have sex with his potential partner last night. It's not that I don't want him to, I do, I want him to have as much pleasure as he can. I am just worried that he may start liking this more than I do and that I'll be left behind. I am a very picky person and in order for me to have a relationship with another guy, the guy has to meet lot's of criteria. It's not overly picky, just normal stuff (smart, anti-establishment....), that sort of stuff. It appears to me that, or rather the ones I have talked to about it, that most men want a monogamous relationship. Where the female in the relationship is only their partner. What about just plain sex. Is that possible to do in a poly-relationship? I feel like, at first, no-strings-attached safe-sex, might be better for me right now. Any suggestions? I know that I have inundated all of you with them. Thank you in advance for your help! Oh and by the way, upfront is the way to go when you don't have any prior experiences to go on but next time I think I'll wait a little longer into the "screening"j process before asking again.
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Old 01-27-2012, 04:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spacegrl7 View Post
How does one handle it when the other partner (who is not very picky) finds someone that they want to be with but you haven't yet? My BF, out of respect for me, has only been on dates with the person that he is interested in. However, it was very apparent last night, after we both returned from our dates that he was kind of upset with the fact that he didn't get to have sex with his potential partner last night. It's not that I don't want him to, I do, I want him to have as much pleasure as he can. I am just worried that he may start liking this more than I do and that I'll be left behind.
You know, if I were in a couple that had decided to"open it up," I would be grateful if only one of us met someone and started hitting it off. I am someone who likes change in smaller, more manageable increments.

I think that, in theory, it might seem easy for both find other partners right away, and deal with it that way. HOWEVER, my common sense tells me that, in reality, it would be a very different thing. You could be overlooking the fact that just one of you being involved with an additional person can change the whole dynamic between you. It will be a huge change, why double it? So, I would strive to be present and absorb whatever happens as it happens and not worry about both of you "keeping pace" with the other, and be careful not to hurry yourself into a situation just because you feel like you're "falling behind."

As far as your bf being disappointed that he didn't have sex... well, so what? We all have disappointments in life about not getting what we want, he'll live without nookie one more night. If he's holding back in deference to you, but you are okay with it, you need to talk. If you've agreed to him having sex with someone else, but you're not really okay with it, you need to talk. Have you two sat down and agreed upon boundaries, and made sure that you are both clear on what you want and are comfortable with?
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Old 01-27-2012, 04:35 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spacegrl7 View Post
It's not overly picky, just normal stuff (smart, anti-establishment....), that sort of stuff.
*giggle* I like how you refer to "anti-establishment" as "normal stuff" ... since, by definition, if it's "normal" then it's not "anti-establishment" ... but I digress.

Quote:
It appears to me that, or rather the ones I have talked to about it, that most men want a monogamous relationship. Where the female in the relationship is only their partner. What about just plain sex. Is that possible to do in a poly-relationship? I feel like, at first, no-strings-attached safe-sex, might be better for me right now.
I wouldn't too hung up on what to call it. Lots of poly couples happen to have no-strings-attached safe-sex. That specific act is not polyamory, but incidental to it... It's another form of non-monogamy.

My husband and I have a non-monogamous relationship. I'm polyamorous, he's barely monoamorous. He enjoys casual play and sometimes sex. He doesn't form emotional attachments to the men and women he plays with. I don't have casual sex. For me, sex is an intimate thing that I share with people I have feelings for. Different strokes for different folks.

We actually get a lot of people on here saying that their partner is having more luck finding dates, and then generalize it to gender. We get women saying men have it easier, and we get men saying women have it easier. I've seen a pretty even split, actually. I would say it's more accurate to say that outgoing people who say what they want and lay all their cards on the table have it easier than introverted people who are shy and don't want to reveal too much too soon.

For example... did you ask your partner out on your first date, or did he ask you? Is it possible that he's just good at getting dates?

Quote:
Any suggestions? I know that I have inundated all of you with them. Thank you in advance for your help! Oh and by the way, upfront is the way to go when you don't have any prior experiences to go on but next time I think I'll wait a little longer into the "screening"j process before asking again.
I actually disagree, for several reasons. One being that getting to know someone, starting to get involved, and then saying "oh, by the way, I'm polyamorous and I have a live-in boyfriend" is deceitful. Another is that you're wasting your time with mono people. Why not get it out in the open from the get-go? I think the secret for meeting people, especially if you're finicky, is to talk with as many people as you can, be honest, be as open as you're comfortable being, and keep at it.
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