Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 03-29-2011, 11:02 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada, where people yell yeha for ten days and throw up on there shoes.
Posts: 163
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
I just wish I knew what to do when you were feeling the anxiety. I get flooded with guilt and it makes me want to stop everything and "go back" to the way it was. At the same time the thought of that doesn't feel right either, and I immediately feel a sense of loss at the idea of it.

All I think I can do is listen, and keep telling you how much I love you, and that none of this is because I feel you are inadequate in any way, shape or form. I wish there was an easier answer.
Hi Jenagain, I'm right in there with Beodude and would like to share an experience with you that may or may not help. I'm so new to this and the board, I'm not sure I should even be offering advice, but I am and I hope it helps.

T feels as you do when I get fearful and angry, and like you she does exactly what you discussed above. Here is what her actions do for me at that time. First it gets me out of the dark place I go to when I'm like that. Ts quiet reassuring tone and loving behavior get me back to seeing this for what it is, and not what I am afraid of. She keeps at it until she gets through my thick skull and ego driven reaction. Much of what I'm feeling at this time Jen has nothing to do with T being poly but is old hurts and pain coming up. This journey into poly has acted as a conduit...doorway for old undealt with emotional pain to rear it's head. I cannot speak for Beodude but much of my jealousy and fear have nothing to do with T getting a BF. I have been able to deal and look at this only because T acted just as you did and do. Love expressed and reassurances offered at these highly charged times helped me focus on how much I love T and how much she loves me. It's been awesome.

I have a lifetime of old fears and hurts all trying to attach themselves to this experience and am learning to tell them they don't belong in this conversation/ experience of poly. Takes time, but Ts patient, loving demeanor and refusal to give up on me has made a world of difference.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
I'm not quite sure what to tell you on that one.. I think it's just something I have to work through on my own. The contact does seem to help though.

I actually had a pretty positive thing happen last night. Jen was having a pretty rough time with a lot of things last night when I got to work. I tried to do as much as I could before I left, but I can't erase stress -_-. While I was at work, when J was headed out the door, I pulled him to the side. I asked if he could head over and hang out with Jen for a bit. He said sure. I asked if he had chocolate, and he looked in his bag, and he did! So he headed over there.

It was nice to be able to count on him, and help Jen out. It's the first positive thing that's happened (poly wise) in a couple weeks. Hopefully this will be a good start to something that can be healthy again.
You're a good and decent man Beodude.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
Well, in my infinite wisdom, I wanted to tell somebody about Jen being poly. I figured it would help me to get more comfortable with her newfound life. I told one guy that I'm pretty close to. At first he didn't get it, but when I asked him if he knew any single girls for me to date... He finally understood. Haha

It wasn't my best idea. He pretty much reiterated all of my things, and sort of validated them, as silly as that sounds. So yeah, it kinda sucks. Great idea, right? Not so much.
I shared my story with 2 people. The first guy was one of my closest friends, he fed my fears, told me my marriage was over and that Poly was unnatural. He spun me up to where I starting to breakdown, and we were in a food court at a mall! He then got up, said he had to go and that was the last time I heard from him. Some friend.

The second guy also a good friend, said although he didn't really get it, he supported T and I and anything he could do to help, he would. He's been a real friend and I'm fortunate to have him. But I did learn from this that few people in our society as it exists today understand what you and I along with Jen and T are doing and experiencing. So I'm glad this board and through it, you, are here for me.

I may post some of this in my thread so that I have a record of my thoughts on this.

My best to you and jenagain, may we all find that which we're looking for.

FT

P.S. You and I seem to be on parallel paths here beo and I thank you for taking the time to let me know i wasn't alone.

Be well

FT

Last edited by Freetime; 03-29-2011 at 11:06 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 03-29-2011, 11:09 PM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

Sundance and I are on a similar path as you are, as well! Amazing. Wish we could all meet up around a campfire sometime. Guess it will have to be a virtual one, for now
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 03-30-2011, 05:22 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

Disregard.

Last edited by Beodude123; 03-30-2011 at 05:37 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 03-31-2011, 01:17 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

Hey Beo,

I posted some advice that was really for both of you on Jen's thread, then came over here to read yours. Only one more thing to add, really -- reading your first post, it sounded like you were pretty ok until the question of intercourse kept coming up. If that's a boundary for you, I really think that's *ok* for now. Don't feel like it's inevitable that that boundary's going to be crossed before you're ready. Ideally we should all work out all of our fears and not have to have so many rules, and hopefully that will happen for you but for now... all of this is so so new, if you have a limit you need to set, well, it doesn't *have* to make sense as long as you're not just setting the limit out of spite (which doesn't sound at all like the case). Take a little more time with it and keep working, don't allow yourself to be rushed such that you end up feeling worse! It'll be better for *everyone*... you, her, him... if you're truly in a good place.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 03-31-2011, 02:28 AM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

@ Beodude: First of all, kudos on asking J to look in on Jen and comfort her when you couldn't be there for her!

My idea on jealousy (and elsewhere I've distinguished between 2 types of "jealousy") is that it's a sign of insecurity. You seem to be sure that Jen isn't about to stop loving you or even love somebody more than you. So I'm asking myself (I get these crazy ideas and throw them into the pot) if maybe you - deep down - feel that you're unworthy of love. A lot of us have this idea drummed into us when we're young. I have to admit that this is a bit of delayed projection on my part: when I was a teenager I was convinced that I was unlovable, so that any time that somebody tried to get close, I couldn't believe that they could really care for me. Most of this is besides the point (aside from to say that I've been there) but my question to you is: Do you love yourself? You know that Jen loves you, so that's not the problem. Maybe - just maybe - if you were sure of your love for yourself, the jealousy wouldn't hurt so?

And - as I think I've already written before on this thread (or was it another one?) - be patient with the jealousy thing, be gentle on yourself. It'll take time. (But that detail about asking J to comfort Jen is a sure sign that you're heading there.)

All the best!
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 03-31-2011, 01:34 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

Love myself? Not really sure. Maybe?

I know I drew a lot of self worth from being Jen's "everything". I felt like I was able to do it all. Now I can't, and it pretty much bear blasted my self confidence. I tend to draw a lot of worth from my relationships, and in acceptance in general. At work, I feel good about myself when I let people out early, and take care of them. Same thing with Jen, but on a waaaaay different level.

I try and talk to myself when I get anxious, but it doesn't seem to work most of the time. Even talking with Jen just seems to bandaid the problem... I feel like I've hit a wall of progress.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 04-01-2011, 12:09 PM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
I know I drew a lot of self worth from being Jen's "everything".
Yeah: we're sold this "Need somebody else to make me whole" + "Happy Ever after" package deal, and when it doesn't work out that way, we feel that we're the failures - not the package deal. This is one of my main reasons for being poly. Even though right now I haven't got any sexual relationship going, I consider myself poly because I reject that first part of the package and because I refuse to accept monogamy. That needs some clarification: I could be happy in a relationship that was - for all practical purposes - monogamous... as long as I didn't feel that my freedom was restricted nor that I was restricting the freedom of someone I loved. It's not the extra sex i need: it's the freedom.
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 04-01-2011, 02:15 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

But what happens when I felt all those things? I get everything I want from Jen. It makes me feel like garbage that I don't reciprocate that.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 04-01-2011, 02:50 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

So... Did I hit rock bottom yesterday? I was tired of fighting to feel happy. The last couple weeks have been hard on me. I decided that the easiest thing to do was give in to sadness. I accepted that I was going to be sad, and it felt kind of... nice. Consistency was back. You can always get meds to fix it, right? Besides, poly is about filling holes (hahaha so punny), so Jen could just find somebody to fill anything I can't be. Seemed like a good plan. It was the easiest way to not be hurt, and Jen would be free to do what she wanted.

I got the kids yesterday, and when Jen got up, I was barely looking at her, much less talking. I felt pretty empty at that point, but I didn't really want to talk while the kids were up. After we got them down for a nap, I told her that I gave up. She said that wasn't right, and it's not what she wanted. We talked for a bit, but she had to get the kids some medecine.

I was still feeling like garbage after I went to work. I couldn't get out of my funk. All I was feeling (when my brain could sort the thousand thoughts flying through it at a given time) was anger and regret. Jen came by after that, and just held me for a bit. It was nice...

I'm feeling better now, but I keep feeling regret. How can I move forward, when all I want to do is go back? That was when I was strong, and happy. Now, I struggle with both at times.



Jen is looking for a counselor that we can go to together. I don't think I can get out of this on my own. Talking doesn't seem to help, and I keep going back to the same negative emotions. Hopefully a professional can help with that.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 04-01-2011, 04:05 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,633
Default

Wow, your post has sent me to a place I didn't want to be. You talk about Jen being your "everything", that is a LOT of preassure to put on one person. My husband did this to me for a number of years. The truth is, I can not be this mythical imaginary person he had made me out to be. The more I tried, the more I failed and the more misserable I became. I felt guilty for letting him down, I resented him for creating all these expectations of me that I wasn't capable of and I hated him for making me responsible for his happiness. I want to SHARE in his happiness, not be solely responsible for it. If I am required to be responsible for his happiness, I will have to walk away, because I am not qualified, nor capable of that task and I will make mistakes that will kill us both. Kinda like sending a teenager to do a job that requires a licenesed electrician.

I think going to a councelor is a great idea.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:38 AM.