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  #11  
Old 03-14-2011, 02:52 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I would suggest just leaving it for now. Everything changes as time goes on. The time isn't right yet. I think I would accept the compromise for now and make it known that this is a compromise... there will be further negotiation as you all go along, but for now there is no set boundary. Then keep at communicating what you would like to accomplish, at a pace that seems appropriate and respectful to all involved. You will need to realize that you will have to meet half way as they will have their own idea about what is comfortable. Enjoy your time and work on achiveing a place of acceptance and comfort for all.
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  #12  
Old 03-14-2011, 03:43 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I concur with the others that overnights with a new sweetie are a big step, and can be a challenge to the primary. I've felt this myself and it took some time to come to terms with my feelings of overnights.

However...:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daylily View Post
...They have had a good bit of discussion about her feelings and he knows she is not being very open about a lot of this. I understand that this happened quickly and she never expected it to get as serious as it did, especially not so fast,
That's what NRE will do. Things do seem to move so quickly when you really click with a new person. It can feel quite challenging and even threatening to the primary.

Quote:
...and she has problems with it, but how can we address the problems if she will not even try to get a handle on exactly what she is feeling. I don't think I should have to deal with erroneous limits without some kind of rational explanation, or at least the assurance that she will acknowledge and work to identify her feelings and try to deal with them.
Her limits might not be "erroneus," and she can only come to terms with her husband's new relationship and desire for its deepening, in her own time, according to her own comfort. I understand your eagerness for her to deal with this more quickly.

Quote:
I am realistically, in no way, a threat to her or their relationship, but I think she feels, on some level, that I am. I have been told she is extremely stubborn as well which makes discussions difficult. Is there anything more he or I can do or say to get her to acknowledge that there is a problem and to realize she has to at least try to work this out? How can we make her understand that just because she ignores it or makes rules to try to avoid the feelings, they are not going to go away, but rather cause more resentment and problems for everyone?

I must also add that she is comfortable with the things we do when alone and we do not overstep any boundaries in that regard. In fact she is fine with us getting a hotel room and staying as late as 3am, but not a second longer, which is also hard for me to comprehend. We are also not asking for much, ideally 2 nights a month, but I would take about anything I could get right now. I also need to know if these things should be discussed just by the two of them alone or should I have some part in it as well.

Thanks
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  #13  
Old 03-14-2011, 04:38 PM
PenguinDreams PenguinDreams is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daylily View Post
Their relationship has a very long, strong history and it was never my intention, nor his, for me to come between them. I am realistically, in no way, a threat to her or their relationship, but I think she feels, on some level, that I am. I have been told she is extremely stubborn as well which makes discussions difficult. Is there anything more he or I can do or say to get her to acknowledge that there is a problem and to realize she has to at least try to work this out? How can we make her understand that just because she ignores it or makes rules to try to avoid the feelings, they are not going to go away, but rather cause more resentment and problems for everyone?
Thanks
It may not necessarily be the case that she sees you as a threat to their relationship. I know for myself I don't see C's other interest as a threat to the feelings he has for me and I don't believe he'd leave me to run off with someone else but what does change, and what can take some getting used to, is how a new person affects the time and energy available to the established person or people.

It's a hard adjustment for some people and she may be moving a lot slower than you'd like but if she's stubborn like you say pushing her is probably not the best approach. It sounds like she wants to have something she feels like she can control and this is the hill she's chosen to take a stand on. Maybe sleeping with her husband, or being able to wake up with him gives her the comfort and security and sense of control she needs right now.

She may come around eventually and loosen her grip on that if she knows you care about her and are interested in working towards what is good for the whole of the relationship.
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  #14  
Old 03-14-2011, 10:59 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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I'm so new to the poly life style I still have the new poly smell! Ok bad joke, But I'm not new to being a human being.

I can understand the wife's issue, She afraid. Afraid of loss. The best thing at this stage is to give her time, support her decision,show her you're on her side too and much of here fear will start to diminish. The emotional dynamics of this life choice is startlingly complex. Love, patience and kindness are the corner stones of a successful transition from a mono to a poly lifestyle. I'm no expert here, just a man who's had to work on his "stuff" at a level I didn't think possible but that has made a difference in a very short period of time.

The people here are awesome, and straight shooters. In the short week I've, been here they've call me on my "stuff" and made me look at what's really going on in my life and my relationship.
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