Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #81  
Old 03-20-2011, 07:53 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada, where people yell yeha for ten days and throw up on there shoes.
Posts: 163
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
er... one word Freetime : letter. We talked about this, remember?
We did, I'm slow. letter it is from here on in.
Reply With Quote
  #82  
Old 03-20-2011, 09:05 AM
Handmaiden Handmaiden is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 21
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
T goes out with friends all the time. I feel no jealousy, no fear. When I think of T having sex with a guy it turns me on, We've agreed she'd tell me all of the naughty details when she's with someone else. My particular kink I guess, but it is what it is. Yet when I think about both situations as one, Friendship + sex....wham! Jealousy, fear of loss, panic, you get the picture.
You sound so much like my partner it's scary! He wonders why I don't feel content with "just him" for the rest of my life... when he knows he would be happy to be with only me. It's the first real area where my needs and his do not match up perfectly.

You sound like a wonderful man, and wonderful men are well worth holding onto!
Reply With Quote
  #83  
Old 03-20-2011, 03:07 PM
Indigomontoya's Avatar
Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 107
Default

I really struggled with that too FT; with me it was I was ok with the physical, didn't want to know the details but fine with it, the emotional hurt... I got past it in a couple of ways... I refer to my last post, specifically about realizing that there are different things you each bring to her life... Her life is richer for having more loves, I came to understand this... Best way to describe it is to realize that love and emotion is not finite... She is happy with her friends and your own post says it's friendship + sex, so my recommendation is to compartmentalize it like that. You get turned on by the sex, so be turned on by it and compartmentalize the emotions as another friend.

That being said it's going to be tough, you're hardwired to monogamy. It won't be a week to change, if this change is something you really want.

Handmaiden: As for the mono versus poly, why does he have to be poly? This is something that TP and I struggled with. She's identified as a life long poly, just never fully embraced it; I am trying to be poly, but I am perfectly happy being mono... As long as you embrace what his needs are to be comfortable, there's no reason he needs to be pushed towards poly, and as he allows you to explore poly it should work.
__________________
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.
Reply With Quote
  #84  
Old 03-20-2011, 06:49 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Oy, I understood the problem is that it feels like Friendship+Sex to Freetime, which is a bad combination to his mind. Sort of 'if she's getting both of these from someone else, what use will she have for a poor old Freetime'. Am I reading this right?
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #85  
Old 03-20-2011, 10:05 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada, where people yell yeha for ten days and throw up on there shoes.
Posts: 163
Default

Handmaiden:You sound so much like my partner it's scary! He wonders why I don't feel content with "just him" for the rest of my life... when he knows he would be happy to be with only me. It's the first real area where my needs and his do not match up perfectly.

You sound like a wonderful man, and wonderful men are well worth holding onto!


Thank you for the compliment and the information.Both are appreciated but is it Need or want?

Indigomontoya: I really struggled with that too FT; with me it was I was ok with the physical, didn't want to know the details but fine with it, the emotional hurt... I got past it in a couple of ways... I refer to my last post, specifically about realizing that there are different things you each bring to her life... Her life is richer for having more loves, I came to understand this... Best way to describe it is to realize that love and emotion is not finite... She is happy with her friends and your own post says it's friendship + sex, so my recommendation is to compartmentalize it like that. You get turned on by the sex, so be turned on by it and compartmentalize the emotions as another friend.

That being said it's going to be tough, you're hardwired to monogamy. It won't be a week to change, if this change is something you really want


Thank you I appreciate the insights and help you've provided. On an intellectual level I understand the idea of many loves, and do not believe anything is wrong and or odd about it. But emotionally? Different story there my friend. I know in my wee monkey brain everything you say is true, I do. But I struggle with the emotional context at a level I didn't know existed.

I now have books, websites and people all over the world showing me Poly is what it is, and that I'm not unique or special in my pain or struggle to understand. I just wish I'd grow up a tad faster and find my equilibrium sooner, but that aint happening. So I'm just going to hang out with you folks until it does.

Today I'm great. No hidden fears popping up no feelings of loss or replacement. I feel.....in love and happy T is my wife. Pretty sappy stuff but that's how I feel. When I check into what I really want for T, When I think of what this means to her, I know I'll do everything I can to help bring this about.

BlackUnicorn:Oy, I understood the problem is that it feels like Friendship+Sex to Freetime, which is a bad combination to his mind. Sort of 'if she's getting both of these from someone else, what use will she have for a poor old Freetime'. Am I reading this right?

Basic description of a complex problem and disturbingly accurate in it's assessment. So yes, you are reading this right. I know that a large part of this is me getting over myself and my issues/ history. The reason I've decided to post here and not withhold the details or challenges, is so that those who have come before can accurately guide me through this.

I;ll post later tonight about how the day went. here;s hoping it's less troublesome then yesterday.
Reply With Quote
  #86  
Old 03-20-2011, 10:54 PM
oikord oikord is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 6
Default Company?

Freetime, Beodude123, Vodkafan and Carmen's husband - I've been experiencing so many of these too. I feel like I've grown, stretched, expanded emotionally, intellectually and spiritually over the last 5 months since my wife met her BF and generally been on the most insane emotional roller coaster. Although hard to admit, I've cried more in 5 months time than my entire life (my folks always remark they appreciated my lack of crying being their third). It's just as Beodude123 describes though, another layer of the onion of my pain/issues is peeled back each time, I'm able to reflect on what the real issues are after each time - I told my wife I'm just going to go with the crying as it actually helps. Back in 'ole October I was:
- uncommunicative to wife,
- distant and not available to wife & kids
- experiencing lack of feeling no real love, pain, happiness mainly just numb
- kind of addicted to things (escapism - sci-fi books, TV, microbrew, food/eating)
- Low self esteem

When my wife uttered those fateful words: "I'm falling in love with someone new and am going to pursue a physical relationship with him" I couldn't even feel or express my emotions - my body felt cold and I began shaking (fear)

I've really got my life on a new track just a short 5 months later - lost 60 lbs (never thought I'd be under 200 again but ya), detoxified my body (vegan for 4 months no drinks) which really allowed my mind to clear. I'm like a sponge for anything developmental, interesting or intellectual now. I can swim for hours, jog and run around like a kid again playing with my children.

It's been quite a journey and I feel like I'm just beginning - I actully feel excitement over my process now (at times) who can I become, kind of like I've been set free of shackles and free to be/find myself.

I just went through another down period on this roller coaster and the comments of Carmen and Beodude123 are so true! I'm co-dependent on my wife and now I've gotten especially clingy and smothering when we're together - new realization as a result of this latest 3 week downer but could be the most important one.

I do go through periods of doubt that this is for me, that I can thrive in a polyamorous environment, especially in the down times. But I peel another layer of the onion during those times, and always seem to surface my real issue about myself and accept it and move past it. And then it's great again - my heart is full of love for my wife, three children, myself and life in general.

OK just wanted to relate that you've got company during your individual journeys. In fact I believe the women are leading the charge in evolving - individually we're experiencing crisis in our relationships, but as a society and even species there is a larger crisis in the days ahead (It's hard to believe that was me speaking).
Reply With Quote
  #87  
Old 03-21-2011, 01:50 AM
Handmaiden Handmaiden is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 21
Default

Freetime: is it a need or a want? That's what I'm trying to figure out at the moment . If it's a transient want I don't want to risk my relationship. If it's a need that will keep resurfacing... then I will have to face up to it.

Indigo: I'm not trying to force him into being poly. I don't see where I said I was?
Reply With Quote
  #88  
Old 03-21-2011, 04:14 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Handmaiden View Post
Freetime: is it a need or a want?
Is anything besides food, water and shelter really a need? I see needs as things that can result in death when we are deprived of them. Humans are a species driven by wants and desires that our intelligence has enabled us to dream of and fantasize about. The fulfillment of these wants beyond the basics of life is what gives us pleasure. Meeting our needs enables us to live...achieving our wants enables us to thrive Most other creatures are simply fulfilled by the basic needs.

There's nothing wrong with that. It's ok to have wants. Do you want to live...or to thrive??
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #89  
Old 03-21-2011, 05:25 AM
Handmaiden Handmaiden is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 21
Default

Mono, I get what you mean, but I tend to think of needs in a non-violent communication framework. So yes there are survival needs but there are emotional needs as well. They are aspects that, if we don't meet them (given survival needs are met) we feel negative emotions, a disconnect from our life. I have a huge need for physical intimacy, where if it isn't met, I start to feel very unhappy, and like I'm starving. So while it's not a necessity from a survival aspect (although arguably emotional needs not being met may lead to suicidal thoughts) it's a need I have to meet or I start finding myself depressed and out of step.
Reply With Quote
  #90  
Old 03-21-2011, 01:54 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Human beings do need physical contact as well. There's been studies done on children raised in orphanages who are fed and clothed but who aren't loved and held. There are much higher levels of faliure to thrive, which basically means that these children just don't grow. I immagine it's the same for adults, we might be finished growing physically but the same effects must be taking place inside people who aren't being loved.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
acceptance, communication, dating, jealousy, marriage vs. polyamory, metamours, struggling, transition

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:57 PM.