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  #41  
Old 03-15-2011, 11:52 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I'm down stairs discussing what my wife really wants, FWB vs true poly and I burst into tears!! Me! I've just spent the last 10 minutes weeping like a small child and i don't even know why. I haven't done this in...years? I thought i was doing so well, now I just feel broken and alone.

I came upstairs to my office and closed the door so that I don't hurt my wife. I don't want my pain becoming her problem. Fuck me I really am on my own here.

just had to document this as it happens, i have a tendency to minimize.
You've been going through a LOT, talking with your wife and processing internally. Sometimes we just cry, and that's healthy. Enjoy the release if it happens again and don't read too much into it.

Don't shut your wife out ... Your hurt IS her problem. She needs to see exactly where you're coming from, so that she can appreciate all the growth that's happening within you and exactly what you're doing for HER.

When Indigo and I went through our growing pains, he had some pretty intense fears. We both calmed our fair share of tears. I reassured him many times that I loved him and wasn't going anywhere. Sometimes when he'd ask me these things, I would have to ask if I'd done something wrong, because I was trying my hardest to be loving and supporting and he was still hurting. Yes, this was frustrating. But, he in return made sure I knew that I hadn't done anything wrong; he was just working on his own insecurities.

Seeing exactly what he went through allowed (and still allows) me to better anticipate his needs. When he asks "silly" questions (Do you still love me? Am I still interesting?) I know it's not me, and if I don't know for sure, I ask. He's able to reach out for reassurance without sitting and stewing on things because he doesn't want to ask a question or express a feeling that appears to come out of nowhere. It doesn't come from nowhere. I've seen his journey - and I feel pretty damn lucky to have someone with me who's been willing to work that hard.
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  #42  
Old 03-15-2011, 03:38 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I like what Trucker Pete said, about just meeting as you would meet a new friend. My husband and bf knew each other for many years before we broached the subject. Maybe it's better to just get to know him a little. I was always over-the-moon happy when my husband would mention one of my bf's good qualities to me. I felt like he was truly seeing him through my eyes, and that put us on the same page. It was awesome that he was so willing to see what I see.

My bf (Jack) and I had been flirting and feeling the tension for years before my husband told him he wanted us to follow this through. He had already dealt with the sting of watching my infatuation and feeling helpless and scared and all sorts of mixed emotions. Since this is so new for you, I think it will help to just watch and see if there is any tiny (or not so tiny!) flirtation and how that makes you feel. See how respectful this man is in your presence. Wow, it's going to be an interesting night! Many of us here have been in your shoes. I remember when my husband told me he was going to talk to Jack about going "all the way," so to speak, I was afraid Jack would think we were freaks. I also felt like we were talking about him like he was a plaything. It turned out that the men were so respectful and classy about it, everything really did go great.
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  #43  
Old 03-15-2011, 05:02 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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It's okay to cry. I've never been one to show a lot of emotion, but with my growing pains (seems like a good phrase to fit), I couldn't help it. There is a lot for a mono man to come to terms with when his wife comes out as poly.

If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't do it on your own. You need to include your wife in everything, so that way she can know where you are with everything, and she can comfort you. Not to mention, that your pain is going to be her pain, whether you are there or not. I'm sure she is hurting too, for putting you through this. Getting reassurances won't always help, but they are nice to hear when you are feeling alone.

Either way, just remember; you aren't alone. You have a wonderful wife that has enough trust in you to bring such a life changing event... She wants to include you in everything, so you need to do her the same way.




One thing that I've found throgh my still very fresh journey, was that the days that things were the worst, were the days that I learned something new about myself. So while they might be hard, don't just chalk it up to poly and go on about your business. It's the best time to do introspection, and every time things get bad, you might be able to get to a reason of why you are feeling the way you are feeling. For me, it started out pretty basic; fear of loss and some other things. Then as time went on, I figured out why I had the fear of loss. After that, another bad day, more tears, and I figured out that I wanted to fix it all, to provide all the needs that Jen has. More tears, more progression, and I got to what I think of is the core of my problems, which is the codependancy.

So every time I cried, I discovered another reason why I felt that way. The knowledge of that helped me to get along, until the next time I cried, and figured out a deeper root. So it takes time, but the most important part is communication. Jen and I started out really strong with communication, but as time went on, I kind of sank into myself, and if Jen asked if I was doing okay, I said "yeah", even if I wasn't. That wasn't a good place to be, and I ended up hurting myself a lot in the process. I'm building it back up now, but it was pretty deep....

So just make sure you share everything, since that is what this is all about! Sorry for the book.... But I feel strongly for you, since we are sharing a lot of the same feelings.
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  #44  
Old 03-16-2011, 05:18 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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truckerpete Carma and Beodude123 thanks for the advice.

Today was an odd day. I was experiencing low level anxiety for most of it, But once I came home I mellowed out and right now am at complete peace with this new idea. What's that about?

The tears for the most part are still a mystery to me, but it was the worst emotional pain I've gone through in decades. I've made an agreement with the universe that I'm no longer going to lie to my wife or myself about how I feel throughout this journey.

yesterday I asked my wife what it was she truly wanted from this FWB or a true Poly lifestyle? After some thought and and some hesitating she responded Poly. And that's where I lost it, You see I knew, I intuitively got that what she wanted was much more the a FWB but both of us were afraid to address/discuss it. Only so much a guy can deal with at once, ya know?

Tomorrow(wednesday) I'm going to meet the man of Mystery,at a social event. No place to bring this up and as he hasn't yet been brought into the loop on this I'm just going to watch hm and see what kind of man he is. However My wife T and MR. Mystery are going out Thursday to discuss some business over drinks and dinner and if the opportunity arises my wife will let him know how she feels about him and see if he's interested.

So I need a plan for Thursday.

Also even if it doesn't work out with Mr Mystery my wife has made it clear she will be looking for a secondary, so I'd best get busy learning to accept this.
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  #45  
Old 03-16-2011, 11:21 AM
RobFire RobFire is offline
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Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
truckerpete Carma and Beodude123 thanks for the advice.

Today was an odd day. I was experiencing low level anxiety for most of it, But once I came home I mellowed out and right now am at complete peace with this new idea. What's that about?

The tears for the most part are still a mystery to me, but it was the worst emotional pain I've gone through in decades. I've made an agreement with the universe that I'm no longer going to lie to my wife or myself about how I feel throughout this journey.

yesterday I asked my wife what it was she truly wanted from this FWB or a true Poly lifestyle? After some thought and and some hesitating she responded Poly. And that's where I lost it, You see I knew, I intuitively got that what she wanted was much more the a FWB but both of us were afraid to address/discuss it. Only so much a guy can deal with at once, ya know?

Tomorrow(wednesday) I'm going to meet the man of Mystery,at a social event. No place to bring this up and as he hasn't yet been brought into the loop on this I'm just going to watch hm and see what kind of man he is. However My wife T and MR. Mystery are going out Thursday to discuss some business over drinks and dinner and if the opportunity arises my wife will let him know how she feels about him and see if he's interested.

So I need a plan for Thursday.

Also even if it doesn't work out with Mr Mystery my wife has made it clear she will be looking for a secondary, so I'd best get busy learning to accept this.
I have read this thread with some interest. Many of the things you are going through, and the reactions you are having, are very similar to the ones my wife went through when we experimented with polyamory a while ago.

Having said that, I can possibly relate a little to what your wife may be feeling on the other end of the equation.

I see a pattern here. You are sincerely invested in bringing happiness and joy to your wife. You *also* have a lot of unresolved issues and feelings about the situation.

It seems you may be tending to shelve those issues and feelings in a hope to lessen the impact they may have on your wife. My wife had the same tendency. To me, she would put on the brave face and boldly thrust forward with the poly plan, while inwardly she would be building up a hidden bubble of feelings and fears.

The problem with that tendency is that bottling up feelings can only last so long before one explodes in a blitzkrieg of tears, panic and anxiety. To your wife, this may seem totally unexpected. She has been only privy to your brave face, and may not know where the sudden bursts of emotion are stemming from.

One way my wife and I have tried to remedy this is to make sure we communicate more, and more often, to try and make sure those feelings and anxieties are let out in smaller, more manageable doses.

Perhaps set aside a time during each day where you both agree to talk about it, and you commit to letting her know what you're really feeling on the matter. This will give you an outlet, and her a chance to re-assure you, and share with you what her feelings are.
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  #46  
Old 03-16-2011, 01:31 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Also even if it doesn't work out with Mr Mystery my wife has made it clear she will be looking for a secondary, so I'd best get busy learning to accept this.
You are a trooper my friend...but relationships mono, or poly aren't an isolated thing. Good on you for working so hard to get yourself up to her level, but I'd caution her about plowing forward when her current partner isn't ready.

On of the maxim's that comes up frequently, other than communication (which Robfire was just touching on) is going at the pace of the slowest person.
While we're on the subject, I do home your wife has been doing her homework too...if not here than via one of the other resources.
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  #47  
Old 03-16-2011, 03:03 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Originally Posted by RobFire View Post
It seems you may be tending to shelve those issues and feelings in a hope to lessen the impact they may have on your wife. My wife had the same tendency. To me, she would put on the brave face and boldly thrust forward with the poly plan, while inwardly she would be building up a hidden bubble of feelings and fears.

The problem with that tendency is that bottling up feelings can only last so long before one explodes in a blitzkrieg of tears, panic and anxiety. To your wife, this may seem totally unexpected. She has been only privy to your brave face, and may not know where the sudden bursts of emotion are stemming from.

This just happened to me, so please take that to heart. It was the scariest thing I've ever gone through. I've been talking a lore more again, and it's feeling a lot more manageable.
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  #48  
Old 03-16-2011, 03:25 PM
RobFire RobFire is offline
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This just happened to me, so please take that to heart. It was the scariest thing I've ever gone through. I've been talking a lore more again, and it's feeling a lot more manageable.

That's good to hear. Please don't take what I said negatively, it wasn't meant to be a slam at all.
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  #49  
Old 03-16-2011, 04:44 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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No no no, I wasn't meaning that to you. I was talking to freetime. I wanted to convey the importance of not bottling things up, because you will have a breakdown. It's not fun.
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  #50  
Old 03-16-2011, 06:23 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Ok I'm daring to share a little about where I am today with our situation, and I hope no one will pounce on me for it!

Actually, all the communicating got to be overkill for us, after awhile. What came to light was the extreme co-dependency in our marriage.

Now we are really trying to work through that, while poly is still a part of it. Ugh. It's where we are. Doing some great work, actually. Loving the husband immensely for it, too.

Bob (my husband) is seeing a therapist now (we were going to her together, she is awesome and totally open-minded with the poly thing). He is really trying to focus on his own personal growth for awhile, while I work out my relationship with my bf, separately. For now, less information, more space. It's a new place. I admire Bob for saying, "I'M OKAY, I am an adult, I am not going to fall to pieces while you explore your own heart." This is totally new, though. We hashed through a lot those first 5 months. Ad nauseum, really! Now Bob is going to work on strengthening other relationships in his life, and developing some new ones, too. Not necessarily sexual ones, I don't mean that -- but guy friends, girl friends, work friends, even quality time with our kids, who have been on the periphery as we have worked on holding our marriage together (and yes -- we DID feel that focusing on our marriage was the best thing we could do for our kids, through those first crucial months that could have broken us and destroyed our family). I'm so glad we persevered! But, um, yeah, the kids had to fend for themselves a lot while we were engrossed in so much serious talking!

I'm not saying that communication isn't a great, great thing, and necessary too, especially at the beginning. But when I see Bob, focusing on Bob and trusting that our love is going to be strong enough to hold us, I feel a surge of renewed faith and security in him, in our marriage. His new developments of personal strength are incredibly attractive to me. I cannot imagine EVER leaving him, ever. He has become my rock.
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