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  #221  
Old 05-20-2011, 05:03 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So, how's everything going, Freetime?
I just spent an hour typing out a message only to have it vanish when I hit submit.

I'll try again later when I get back, from my meeting.


I'm surviving. Not much more right now. I'll take what I can get.
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  #222  
Old 05-20-2011, 07:14 PM
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detritus detritus is offline
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Boo! I hate it when the forums eat my responses like that. It's happened to me a lot, so you think I'd learn at this point to just copy everything before I hit submit, but I never do.
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  #223  
Old 05-20-2011, 07:40 PM
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Make sure you click the "remember me" box when you sign in. I find that helps on VBull boards.
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  #224  
Old 05-20-2011, 08:38 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Make sure you click the "remember me" box when you sign in. I find that helps on VBull boards.
You should then make sure you log out, because checking the "remember me" box will keep you logged in permanently. Not so good on public computers.
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  #225  
Old 05-20-2011, 09:06 PM
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You can go back a page when it does that too. It should go back to the post page and have your message there.
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  #226  
Old 05-21-2011, 01:22 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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I have to wonder if I'm Insane. Uncertainty fear anger remorse love lust acceptance openess.... repeat as needed.

I'm learning what TMI really means and why somethings are best left unspoken if not unknown. My wife is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings, good for him. Not so much for me.

I find fear to be my friend right now as it keeps me focused on:
1) Getting healthy, back in shape
2) Finding a job/ career. great for build self esteem.
3) Building my own life and getting out of Ts. Her life is her business now, I need to remember that.

I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pagent when M2 and his wife T2 came over.
M2 is fit, good looking and smart. T2 is a babe and of course T is the proverbial Hotwife made real. Me? well I do have a cute little budda belly starting.

I've gone from yodda level lightness and love over to Vader level self loathing and fear.

T has offered once again to stop seeing M2, but that's delaying the inevitable, so I have to find my balance soon, like yesterday soon. When t and I connect soul to soul I simmer down amd start to mellow out. Right up to the next text message from M2.

I've also come to see that as nice as M2 and T2 are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay to many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as M2 treats tag with love and kindness and respects my relationship I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Lets all be friends" approach far to soon. I need time to adjust to T having a BF, anything else is just noise right now. M2 is coming over to play with T tomorrow and I'm going to drink, fight and get arrested. Ok no I'm not, but I do find the idea oddly attractive right now. Ah fuck it. I'll live.

I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts, and yet I just do not have it in me to ask T to stop. Running away or pretending it isn't happening solves nothing. I love my wife. I fucking hate my life. Maybe one day I'll have both? Nah, that only happens in fairy tales.

P.S. NRE is an evil perpetrated on the unwary by the uncaring.

Last edited by Freetime; 05-21-2011 at 01:42 AM.
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  #227  
Old 05-21-2011, 04:25 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I have to wonder if I'm Insane. Uncertainty fear anger remorse love lust acceptance openess.... repeat as needed.

I'm learning what TMI really means and why somethings are best left unspoken if not unknown. My wife is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings, good for him. Not so much for me.
Can love really be quantified? Does she really love one more, or one any less? Or does she simply love? And is she in love with him yet, really, or just caught up in the chemicals?

Take a slow, deep breath. Don't compare. No one ever wins at the compare game.

However, your realization about who T. is now -- older, more experienced, more practiced at communication than she was when you first started in your relationship with her -- is a good insight to have, and important to remember. Somehow you were expecting her to fumble around, awkward like a teenager? But she isn't a teen (thank the heavens!), and she is more secure in herself, and a mature, evolving person, who has you to thank for lots of her personal growth. Don't forget that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I find fear to be my friend right now as it keeps me focused on:
1) Getting healthy, back in shape
2) Finding a job/ career. great for build self esteem.
3) Building my own life and getting out of Ts. Her life is her business now, I need to remember that.
All good stuff. Invest in you. It's not that her life is only her business -- you still are partners in your marriage -- it's that you both have your own lives to tend to, and your own satisfaction to nurture. Cultivating you to be the best you you can be will ultimately be so much more satisfying (for you) than going into that needy, insecure part of you that wants reassurance from her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pagent when M2 and his wife T2 came over.
M2 is fit, good looking and smart. T2 is a babe and of course T is the proverbial Hotwife made real. Me? well I do have a cute little budda belly starting.
This is just foolishness and self-pity.

Oh, and FYI, I love guys with Buddha bellies!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I've also come to see that as nice as M2 and T2 are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay to many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as M2 treats tag with love and kindness and respects my relationship I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Lets all be friends" approach far to soon. ... Ah fuck it. I'll live.
Yes, you will. And you will thrive because you love each other. This is just a new shape for the container in which you two have planted the seeds of your relationship. Marriage and relationships always change and evolve.

And you know what? You don't have to be friends with M2 and T2. But I think it was important for you to meet them, so that the fear of the unknown doesn't take over your imaginings. You have a sense of who they are, and when/if you feel comfortable reaching out to one or both of them for friendship, go for it. But it's not a requirement!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts...
You forgot: you're also brave, loving, compassionate, and pretty awesome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I just do not have it in me to ask T to stop. Running away or pretending it isn't happening solves nothing. I love my wife. I fucking hate my life. Maybe one day I'll have both? Nah, that only happens in fairy tales.
You are human, and experiencing the ebb and flow of emotions. At some point, the turbulence will cease and you will reach a comfort level that makes you happy, I am sure of it. Hang in there & keep talking. I think you are an amazing man.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-21-2011 at 04:28 AM.
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  #228  
Old 05-21-2011, 05:16 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I'm learning what TMI really means and why somethings are best left unspoken if not unknown. My wife is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings, good for him. Not so much for me.
Memory is a funny thing. The past tends to get distorted through the lens of the present. As real as the image can seem, it cannot always be trusted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post

Me? well I do have a cute little budda belly starting.
Speaking of Budda...he was pretty clever dude. The rest of this post will be brought to you by the power of Budda! (As presented by a half-assed google search since I don't like typing verbatum from books when I can cut & paste from the web)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Budda
~ Inflamed by greed, incensed by hate, confused by delusion, overcome by them, obsessed by mind, a man chooses for his own affliction, for others' affliction, for the affliction of both and experiences pain and grief. ~ Budda


Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I find fear to be my friend right now as it keeps me focused on:
1) Getting healthy, back in shape
2) Finding a job/ career. great for build self esteem.
3) Building my own life and getting out of Ts. Her life is her business now, I need to remember that.

I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pagent when M2 and his wife T2 came over.
M2 is fit, good looking and smart. T2 is a babe and of course T is the proverbial Hotwife made real.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Budda
"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."


Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post

I've gone from yodda level lightness and love over to Vader level self loathing and fear.

T has offered once again to stop seeing M2, but that's delaying the inevitable, so I have to find my balance soon, like yesterday soon. When t and I connect soul to soul I simmer down amd start to mellow out. Right up to the next text message from M2.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Budda
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I've also come to see that as nice as M2 and T2 are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay to many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as M2 treats tag with love and kindness and respects my relationship I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Lets all be friends" approach far to soon. I need time to adjust to T having a BF, anything else is just noise right now. M2 is coming over to play with T tomorrow and I'm going to drink, fight and get arrested. Ok no I'm not, but I do find the idea oddly attractive right now. Ah fuck it. I'll live.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Budda
~ You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. ~ Budda


Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I have to wonder if I'm Insane. Uncertainty fear anger remorse love lust acceptance openess.... repeat as needed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Budda
~ It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell. ~ Budda


Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post

I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts, and yet I just do not have it in me to ask T to stop. Running away or pretending it isn't happening solves nothing. I love my wife. I fucking hate my life. Maybe one day I'll have both? Nah, that only happens in fairy tales.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Budda
~ The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly ~ Budda


Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
P.S. NRE is an evil perpetrated on the unwary by the uncaring.
Google doesn't have Budda saying anything about NRE. But I know there's some days that my wife would probably want to steal yours.
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  #229  
Old 05-21-2011, 06:29 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Wow you put a lot of work into that imaginery!
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  #230  
Old 05-21-2011, 07:05 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I have to wonder if I'm Insane. Uncertainty fear anger remorse love lust acceptance openess.... repeat as needed.

I'm learning what TMI really means and why somethings are best left unspoken if not unknown. My wife is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings, good for him. Not so much for me.
TELL HER HOW YOU ARE FEELING. Ask for for specific actions that will help to reassure you that she still loves you as much as she ever did (hell, for your willingness to go through this, she probably loves you MORE).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pagent when M2 and his wife T2 came over.
M2 is fit, good looking and smart. T2 is a babe and of course T is the proverbial Hotwife made real. Me? well I do have a cute little budda belly starting.
You and me both, brother. In fact, in honor of the "rapture," I'm enjoying some of Victory Brewing's finest tonight.

It helps, when staring at yourself in the mirror, to stand up straight with good posture, and realize that you are your own worst critic. I'm gonna bet that, when you do that, you'll realize you're not as far from where you want to be as you thought.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
T has offered once again to stop seeing M2, but that's delaying the inevitable, so I have to find my balance soon, like yesterday soon. When t and I connect soul to soul I simmer down amd start to mellow out. Right up to the next text message from M2.
You are within your rights to ask her to SLOW DOWN, so that you have some time to deal with it, and to be reassured that she still loves you. You may see it as "delaying the inevitable." I see it as a nod to reality: an oak tree won't grow any faster than it will, no matter how hard you want it to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I've also come to see that as nice as M2 and T2 are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay to many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as M2 treats tag with love and kindness and respects my relationship I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Lets all be friends" approach far to soon. I need time to adjust to T having a BF, anything else is just noise right now. M2 is coming over to play with T tomorrow and I'm going to drink, fight and get arrested. Ok no I'm not, but I do find the idea oddly attractive right now. Ah fuck it. I'll live.
Ask her to please SLOW DOWN. Tell her you know and acknowledge that she is who she is, but you need some time to catch up. It's OK to ask for this. Really. Tell her what actions with M2 drive you batshit, and ask her to please hold off on that for a bit. Not forever, just for a bit, so that you can speak truth to your fears--know deep inside that she loves you; that she doesn't love him more than you, that she does not want to leave you for him.
Your fears are primitive creatures, and are going to require that lesson repeatedly. IT'S OK TO ASK T TO GIVE YOU TIME TO DO THAT. You are in no way a failure of any kind.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts, and yet I just do not have it in me to ask T to stop.
So don't ask her to stop. But do ask her to SLOW DOWN.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
P.S. NRE is an evil perpetrated on the unwary by the uncaring.
Well no, it isn't. It may feed your current black mood to tell yourself that, but it really is a chemical process in the brain. You had it with T when you first got together with her. Were you uncaringly perpetrating "an evil [...] on the unwary" back then?
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