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  #201  
Old 04-25-2011, 06:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
Yep. it's true. M did not work out, I pretty much knew he wouldn't. way to self centered and far to flaky. Nice guy though.

So here's the deal. How do i communicate with T about this? I knew he wasn't it the first time I met him. I have very very good instincts and as nice a guy as he is, he just was in no way right for T.
The only think I think you should communicate to her is that you are sorry she is feeling bad and that you hope it works out better next time. Anything else just sounds like you are looking for an excuse to say "told you so."

Well, I hope you get a breather for a bit. It sounds like you might need one.
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  #202  
Old 04-25-2011, 07:08 PM
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I'm thinking this may work out well for both of us though, She get's a boyfriend and I get a Motorcycle! Sound fair?



Freetime out.
Warning..Motorcycles are highly addictive...are you ready for Rider NRE?

I've got to admit...and this will sound terrible, but it sounds fair to me Just be careful though, you may find yourself helping her to get more boyfriends so you can have more time to ride!!

Seriously though.. If you are truly committed to helping her on this journey make sure you are coming from a place of health within yourself. As far as her last experience, there is no need to point out what you felt would happen. Discuss how she sees things now that she has gone through the process. It's ok to point out the blinders of NRE but do so in a kind and non-judgmental way. You don't want her to feel worse, you want her to take positive lessons from the experience so the next time things will be better. And you should look at yourself too and see what you have learned through this. Both of you worked together on this which is very admirable but it is important to make sure you are both doing things for the right reasons.

.....ok...so what kind of bike do you want. I'm curious, I admit it
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  #203  
Old 05-12-2011, 09:06 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Hi folks, been awhile. I read these posts the day after they were posted, but have been very sick, and am just now getting better. Sorry for not replying sooner.

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hmm, communicate what with her? Has she ended things with M? Or do you want her to end things with M? Is she hurting over M and you want to tell her that it's no use, M was a shithead anyway?
M remains in our life for now, but as a casual friend only. being somewhat self absorbed it never occurred to me that T might in fact be experiencing a sense or loss or rejection. Embarrassing.



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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
That's a very positive thing to do! I am amazed at how hard you guys are working at this. It's so wonderful to see someone being proactive.
Hi TP! You brighten my day. Thank you.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
And perhaps that is a lesson your wife can and will learn as she continues on her quest. There are some things we have to learn ourselves. Others' warnings can fall on deaf ears. Overprotective partners can be as detrimental as overprotective parents. IMO, YMMV, etc.
More awesomeness in one post would be illegal.

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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Agreed.

Once upon a time when my wife and I went to a poly workshop in Vancouver, I was struck by the awesome attitude the hostess had towards relationships. Her view was that every relationship, no matter the length, the depth, or the end was a learning experience, and thus was appreciative of all of them.

You guys aren't at square one. You've got one under your belt now. You've got lessons learned. You've started developing ways to talk to each other about poly. You know that escorting her on dates is a bad idea for you...all those squares that you didn't even know were there when you started down this road the first time.

Wash, rinse, repeat, and keep learning with every evolution. Keep the faith my friend.
Thanks you for pointing this out, I've taken this to heart and will continue to do so.


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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
The only think I think you should communicate to her is that you are sorry she is feeling bad and that you hope it works out better next time. Anything else just sounds like you are looking for an excuse to say "told you so."
Wow. Was I pissed when I read this. But then I realized just how bang on you are. Comforting my wife when she's down has been and remains my job regardless of why she feels like she does. It just took a kick in the ass for me to see it in this context. Thanks.

And just to clear this up, I wasn't going for I told you so, I was asking for advice from the group about how to communicate to T when I know that the "guy/Gal" isn't right for her without sounding parental and/or controlling. I now see and understand that at times this just won't be a good idea.

I'm new to this, and some of what you folks take for granted, takes me a while to shift into a form I understand. Comforting my wife when she's hurt or down comes naturally to me. love this woman, I truly do. But comforting her over boyfriend issues? That's a tad out side of my lane of expertise, so I was slow to see this as just another hurt, regardless of cause. I can assure you that I'm not going to make that mistake again....hopefully.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Warning..Motorcycles are highly addictive...are you ready for Rider NRE?

I've got to admit...and this will sound terrible, but it sounds fair to me Just be careful though, you may find yourself helping her to get more boyfriends so you can have more time to ride!!

Seriously though.. If you are truly committed to helping her on this journey make sure you are coming from a place of health within yourself. As far as her last experience, there is no need to point out what you felt would happen. Discuss how she sees things now that she has gone through the process. It's ok to point out the blinders of NRE but do so in a kind and non-judgmental way. You don't want her to feel worse, you want her to take positive lessons from the experience so the next time things will be better. And you should look at yourself too and see what you have learned through this. Both of you worked together on this which is very admirable but it is important to make sure you are both doing things for the right reasons.

.....ok...so what kind of bike do you want. I'm curious, I admit it
These words I'll use as a model in my comms with T, Mono.

I'm looking at buying a Harley Nightster. http://www.harley-davidson.com/en_CA...ster.html#/pnw I'm going to contact you offline, so that I don't turn this into a machine love post.

Thanks to everyone who stops by and offers insight and direction. I really do read all of it and try to work on what you folks point out.

Be well.

Freetime.
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  #204  
Old 05-12-2011, 09:24 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default Feast or Famine.

Well here we are....in the last week here's what's happened.

T reached out to someone in the poly community who is now coming over on Saturday, for a get to know you date....with his wife. Who's also Bi. T and I have discussed this and if they are a match T may end up with a BF and a GF. My brain hurts.

I have about a thousand questions, concerns and possibilities rolling around my brain right now, but will wait and see what transpires Saturday before posting some of that here.

M has started to drop the occasional hint that he may in fact be interested in something more, or not. His lack of honesty in communicating with us is really annoying me. greatly.

T met another man while out with me at a networking/charity event a few weeks ago, nice guy but emotionally broken going through a break up. Not what I'd call a good fit, but who knows?

So me being me, I immediately saw that T could find herself with options we never ever thought about. Just when I was thinking I'm getting a handle on the whole Polyworld. I'll let you know how this goes, If I live through it.

Be well folks, you all truly brighten my world.

Freetime.

Last edited by Freetime; 05-13-2011 at 04:03 AM.
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  #205  
Old 05-12-2011, 09:57 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
T reached out to someone in the poly community who is now coming over on Saturday, for a get to know you date....with his wife. Who's also Bi. T and I have discussed this and if they are a match T may end up with a BF and a GF. My brain hurts.

I have about a thousand questions, concerns and possibilities rolling around my brain right now, but will wait and see what transpires Saturday before posting some of that here.
Oh! Is your wife bi? I don't recall your mentioning that. You know, the date's wife might be coming along solely to meet her, but not to also be involved with her. Many poly couples do that - go along on a first date, for numerous reasons. I hope T. doesn't think she has to be involved with both, if it's not something she's really into, just to be involved with the male partner.
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  #206  
Old 05-13-2011, 03:45 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper
The only think I think you should communicate to her is that you are sorry she is feeling bad and that you hope it works out better next time. Anything else just sounds like you are looking for an excuse to say "told you so."
Wow. Was I pissed when I read this. But then I realized just how bang on you are. Comforting my wife when she's down has been and remains my job regardless of why she feels like she does. It just took a kick in the ass for me to see it in this context. Thanks.
You are my hero for emotional self-awareness and restraint.

Just wanted you to know that.
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  #207  
Old 05-13-2011, 04:25 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh! Is your wife bi? I don't recall your mentioning that. You know, the date's wife might be coming along solely to meet her, but not to also be involved with her. Many poly couples do that - go along on a first date, for numerous reasons. I hope T. doesn't think she has to be involved with both, if it's not something she's really into, just to be involved with the male partner.
Thank you for the heads up on this. I may in fact be reading far to much into this, and will try not to assume anything is going to happen until, well....it does. T isn't or at least hasn't identified herself as bi, but she is open to the idea. Love is love is love. Another area we may yet go adventuring in. I need a Poly safari outfit if this keeps up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
You are my hero for emotional self-awareness and restraint.

Just wanted you to know that.
I'd like to take credit for this, but it has come as a direct result of the men and women here who have taken the risk to help out a guy they haven't met or don't yet know. I asked for advice and help, both have been and continue to be given freely, the least I can do is shut up and listen. I may not always like it but I can assure you I read it all and stop to consider it. The only reason I'm still married/together is because folks here challenged my misconceptions, asinine assumptions and oddly self centered ideas of what was and at times, still is going on.

This place and the people here are like a self help group on steroids, only much funnier and better dressed.

I have 2 choices everyday I wake up, See this experience through the lens of love or of fear. My choice, but only because you folks reminded me I have that choice.
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  #208  
Old 05-15-2011, 06:59 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Wow, what an awesome night. T's date and his wife came over tonight for a get to know you dinner, and they were and are truly wonderful people. Who I shall refer to for simplicity's sake as M2 and T2.

I fear though that I may be the stumbling block in all of this for T and her budding romance with M2. I can and do come across sometimes as.....direct? aggressive? over the top? dunno really, but I'm going to have to watch that.

Both M2 and T2 are kind, intelligent, loving folk who's own journey is both humbling and awe inspiring. I was touched by their openness and willingness to share the ups and downs of there walk into poly. Both are gentle souls whose company I was pleased to be in tonight.

I still have much to sort out about tonight, but no matter how this ends up looking, I was pleased to make new friends. T had a blast with M2 and T2, she truly felt a great degree of affection and respect for both of them and we are both looking forward to seeing them again. Soon I hope, but who knows? life's uncertain.

Where am I with all of this? M2 and T2 having such a solid relationship with each other has calmed most of my fears/concerns. If T and M2 form an intimate sexual relationship I'm good with that.

be well.

freetime.
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  #209  
Old 05-15-2011, 08:13 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Yay!!!
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #210  
Old 05-15-2011, 07:17 PM
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Ditto Yay!!!
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