I'm in over my head.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Freetime

2) Distance and emotional dishonesty on my part kept me willfully ignorant of what was happening. Ok that's not true I could see and feel the spiritual distance but didn't know what to do to address it. I've lived a very small life in the last couple of years because of a Back injury, but mostly because of my uneasiness with how things stood between us. This has only made the low level dissatisfaction worse for her, for us.


4) ........ My lack of direction and living in fear of loss or failure have created this perfect storm moment. When we met I was a free spirit, afraid of nothing and willing to try just about anything, but over the years I have become.......lost and forgotten with little Idea of how to get that man back. My wife simply wants that feeling and opportunity again, as any of us would. so the least that I can do to try to end this on a high note for her. I hope her date tonight rocks her world, but I have no illusions as to the final outcome. Her "date" is what I used to be, only younger and still building an interesting life.

You've got some work to do... start talking. Tell her just what you said here... you have been scared, don't know how to approach your disconnect... all that... remember, she loved who you were when you met and loves who you have become. This man is a representation of what you were, but you are a lovable result of who you once were. That is cherished by her. Talk to her! Before she goes out!

[vodkafan]

Hi Freetime,

You are feeling pretty low right now I can tell. I felt pretty hopeless at the beginning too but now 8 months in and my marriage is better than ever.
I am not self-delusional, it really is better.
My wife has told me many times that she wants to grow old with me, she never wants us to split up.
I feel more valued than ever before and we both feel the marriage is alive and secure. So much so that I have a hard time finding smething to write about on here lately.
The first two months were a bitch but we kept on working at it and removing every obstacle one by one.
Don't give up.

[Freetime]

....So......I did what you suggested. I went and talked to her at length about how I feel and what I thought this was all about, dissatisfaction with me, her excitement of a younger man etc. I discussed without censoring or pretending to like this idea exactly how I felt and of my fear of loss. We had one of the best nights we've had in years. We went on a date and continued to talk well into the night. The truth is I was and have been flat out wrong. I've been projecting my own fears onto her and this situation without actually talking to her. I'm feeling pretty damn dumb right now, She listened and understood the concerns I brought forward, and we're working together to overcome the things that currently exist and get in the way of this experience. My reaction was just flat out panic, panic based on old tapes of life experience and past relationships where lying and betrayal were the norm. I have stuff to work on it seems.

I mind my own business and keep my own council, but it's clear I need to start talking about what's really going on (with her) and stop acting like a.....frightened pissed off child.


I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the council and direction from those here. I'm going to hang around if that's Ok, and continue to learn and study how this works. My wife is now aware that I'm posting here about this and may in fact stop by.

nycindie, redpepper, River, beodude123, and vodkafan thanks for taking the time to stop by and offer both advice and a gentle boot to the ass to get talking about this. What a difference a day makes.

P.S. her date never happened, we went out instead.

Later folks.

Freetime.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by Freetime

....So......I did what you suggested. I went and talked to her at length about how I feel and what I thought this was all about, dissatisfaction with me, her excitement of a younger man etc. I discussed without censoring or pretending to like this idea exactly how I felt and of my fear of loss. We had one of the best nights we've had in years. We went on a date and continued to talk well into the night. The truth is I was and have been flat out wrong. I've been projecting my own fears onto her and this situation without actually talking to her. I'm feeling pretty damn dumb right now, She listened and understood the concerns I brought forward, and we're working together to overcome the things that currently exist and get in the way of this experience. My reaction was just flat out panic, panic based on old tapes of life experience and past relationships where lying and betrayal were the norm. I have stuff to work on it seems.

And people wonder why we keep harping on communication!!!

Seriously this is awesome stuff. I've run into this several times, with my wife, lovers, life long friends, and of course I've done it myself. It's sooo easy to get oneself spun up on imaginary conversations to the point of making the actual conversation moot.

The real conversation is never moot! They're not always fun, or smooth, but I think mine have always provided a better result in the end than leaving things up to speculation.

Originally Posted by Freetime

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the council and direction from those here. I'm going to hang around if that's Ok, and continue to learn and study how this works. My wife is now aware that I'm posting here about this and may in fact stop by.

Totally ok. Always good to see another homeboy in the corral. Giddy up.

Originally Posted by Freetime

nycindie, redpepper, River, beodude123, and vodkafan thanks for taking the time to stop by and offer both advice and a gentle boot to the ass to get talking about this. What a difference a day makes.

They rawk don't they.

[nycindie]

Yippee, Yappee, Yahooey!!!!

So happy for you.

[Carma]

Welcome, Freetime!
I can really relate to a lot of your situation -- my husband is a lot like you. He has had so many of the same feelings. One thing we are working on is the co-dependant nature of our relationship, and how unhealthy it had become. My husband has also narrowed his life down over the years. He counted on me, so much, to be the social director and the one growing and learning, while he just went to work and came home. We realize now that he needs to work on HIM. I'm starting to wonder if my relationship with another man came from a fear of being swallowed up by my husband's neediness. He is now working on his own life and becoming more of a fully-alive human being. We are still living in the same house and actually sharing a bed, but we are "separated" in the sense that we are both free (and encouraged!) to develop outside relationships. I believe it is the non-sexual, platonic relationships that will develop for both of us that will make the biggest difference.

Ironically enough, my boyfriend has really taken a lower priority for me now that I am free to do as I please. I am really guarding myself from jumping into yet another co-dependant relationship. It is very empowering! He has become more of a teacher, for me, than just a wild romantic infatuation. Our friendship has deepened and I realize it is not just about sexual attraction; it is also about the things in him that I admire that I want to develop in myself. Wow -- who knew

While I hate the old cliche, "mid-life crisis," my husband does feel that women go through a big shift in their 40's -- I know I am particularly working on my issues of independence and balance. I had children young (I have 6) and I feel like I've never had time just for ME. So he is very understanding. It sounds like you are also a very understanding, caring man who loves his wife very much. Do her a favor and give her the BEST gift you could ever, ever give her -- the BEST you, the REAL you. Find him again! It's a great place to put your efforts, after working on a troubled marriage and all the stress that comes along with that. She may see you growing and changing, and become curious and admiring -- BUT, that is only a by-product. Good luck, I'm routing for you guys!!!

[vodkafan]

This is good news Freetime, I am very glad.
Also happy that you are sticking around. Although everybody's experience is slightly different, a lot of the same issues come up and we have all been through the same things. You will have up days and down days but I can tell you that you will never be bored !
From a strictly male point of view, I can identify with what you said and Carma said about getting stuck in that masculine rut of going to work and coming home. Gender roles can be a ruthless tyranny. My wife was stuck at home bringing up the kids. It was sucking all the life out of us. We made various attempts to break out of this pattern without success.

By the way I also have a back injury. I am in a constant low level of pain which can get worse if I don't excercise and take care of myself. I refuse to let that dictate what I do or how I live my life though.

[Freetime]

Day....2? 3 ? sorta lost the time line it seems. In any event the discussion continues.

I have a question. I have no issues and or feelings of fear, loss with the sexual side of things, but as soon as i start seeing this as another relationship I start getting bent. I'm trying to process this but lack the poly centric language experience to accurately discribe what I mean.

Sex OK! Two thumbs up. Another man caring for and holding my wife? Not so much. Yes I want her to be with someone who actually likes and appreciates her but can't they just.... I dunno, fuck and then go for coffee? This emotional work is complicated ground, i could use some direction here. thanks.

P.S. We went on another date yesterday and had a mind blowing time that went into the afternoon and late into the night.

Edit: My wife has said she's perfectly alright with my getting a girlfriend. No, I'm not making that up. that's what she said. I said I already had one. Her. Am I missing something here?

[Freetime]

Originally Posted by vodkafan

This is good news Freetime, I am very glad.
Also happy that you are sticking around. Although everybody's experience is slightly different, a lot of the same issues come up and we have all been through the same things. You will have up days and down days but I can tell you that you will never be bored !
From a strictly male point of view, I can identify with what you said and Carma said about getting stuck in that masculine rut of going to work and coming home. Gender roles can be a ruthless tyranny. My wife was stuck at home bringing up the kids. It was sucking all the life out of us. We made various attempts to break out of this pattern without success.

By the way I also have a back injury. I am in a constant low level of pain which can get worse if I don't excercise and take care of myself. I refuse to let that dictate what I do or how I live my life though.

About 10 or 11 years ago my wife was given some possibly life altering news about her health and at that time I panicked, gave up my career and stayed home with her while she built her business and *I worked for her and her company.

(* not really, but it sounds better then saying I just hung around hoping she didn't die.)

The back injury just added insult to injury in that it stopped me from doing many of the things I loved to do such as hike, excursion walking, martial arts and combative shooting Etc.

I started spending a lot of money on in house distractions (Models, Toys, Books.) and as you can see here we are today. I used to Draw, for hours and hours. I was never a pro artist but I loved drawing and yet gave that up too at about the same time as I got married. Hmmmmm. Issues.

I'm a very outgoing funny human being but you'd not know it by looking at how I've lived. Time to change that it seems.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by Freetime

I have a question. I have no issues and or feelings of fear, loss with the sexual side of things, but as soon as i start seeing this as another relationship I start getting bent. I'm trying to process this but lack the poly centric language experience to accurately discribe what I mean.

Sex OK! Two thumbs up. Another man caring for and holding my wife? Not so much. Yes I want her to be with someone who actually likes and appreciates her but can't they just.... I dunno, fuck and then go for coffee? This emotional work is complicated ground, i could use some direction here. thanks.

Straight through the stop sign, and then left at the Mall until you see a gas station....if only it was that simple eh?

It's interesting since with most men it's the sexual aspect that takes a long time to work through, rather than the emotional stuff.
In fact right now, the biggest obstacle I foresee in my wife ever finding a bf would be finding one that legitimately wanted that emotional connection, and wasn't just using her for sex. Knowing how most guys are, I could see myself having a hard time trusting that they'd actually want to care about her the way I do.

So what is it about an emotional connection between your wife and another man that is causing your consternation? You're right that it's a complicated process, but for me it's the main defining characteristic of poly in relation to other forms of non-monogamy such as swinging.
Are you worried that she'll love him more?
That they'll have some feeling between them that you don't?
Different pet names?
With the amount of personal sacrifice you've made in the past, are you worried that she'll want him to comfort and support her when things are bad instead of you?

I'm just throwing possibilities out there, but really this is internal processing time where you need to really look at what your feelings are about this and why. Then dig deep on that to find the root of where it's coming from. Ask yourself the hard questions, and be honest to yourself with the answers.

Originally Posted by Freetime

P.S. We went on another date yesterday and had a mind blowing time that went into the afternoon and late into the night.

Rock on.

Originally Posted by Freetime

Edit: My wife has said she's perfectly alright with my getting a girlfriend. No, I'm not making that up. that's what she said. I said I already had one. Her. Am I missing something here?

I used to refer to my wife as my other ex-gf...because as soon as she said "I Do" she wasn't really my gf anymore was she...she became my wife....but that's all just semantics.
Why would you find this surprising? If she's looking expand her heart to include other people and is deriving some happiness and satisfaction from that, why would she not want her husband to have the same opportunity?
Are you actually opposed to the prospect?
Do you not believe her?
I don't know about missing something, but if you're worried about you the classic wife 'opposite day' thing I don't think that'd be the case...she'll at least think she's perfectly ok with it. That doesn't mean that she might not find her own issues and processing to work through if you take her up on the offer, and also depending on what kind of hussy you bring home. Kinda like bringing home girls to meet Mom ... but different because it's harder to throw a temper tantrum and say "I don't care what you say, it's my life" to your wife than it is to you Mom.

Keep working at it buddy.