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  #141  
Old 03-28-2011, 07:44 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi Sundance, nice to hear your voice .

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Originally Posted by sundance View Post

er. Who can predict?

My wife and I can be very codependent. But I think I have finally hit on the path that will bring me peace. I am now actively seeking ways, journaling, therapy and communicating, to learn to love MYSELF. I am a little boy of coal. My upbringing helped mold me into an insecure child who used my romantic relationship, in this case my wife, to provide my worthiness as a human being. If she loved me i must be okay. But if she withdrew that love or loved someone else too I must be less worthy. That's bullshit! I am lovable. You need to look within yourself for the security to know that you are worthy of love. Intellectualizing the behavior of my poly wife, my hot wife, has smothered the emotional "gut" response I had to the "loss" of my codependent lover. It's alright to have a negative visceral response to her behavior. But I believe learning to love yourself will "allow" you to accept her need to love others and may open up your capacity to not only love her more but to love others too.

I may have an overpowering wave of emotional feeling hopeless about Carma and her lover tomorrow. But the sting is dissipating as i learn to accept myself as a lovable man.

Hang in there brother, it takes a BIG man to learn to live with this. But it is worth it. You are not alone. My wife and I are raising 6 kids. I feel honor in keeping our union together for their sake too.
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  #142  
Old 03-28-2011, 07:53 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Vodkafan! Just thinking about you. Hope you're well. Thanks for keeping tabs on me, nice to know you're out there.

Sundance, I see this is only your second post here, and I for one am touched you chose to share your point of view with me.
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  #143  
Old 03-28-2011, 02:37 PM
sundance sundance is offline
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I feel like i know you. Hello.
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  #144  
Old 03-28-2011, 03:24 PM
sundance sundance is offline
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Carma and Butch, her boyfriend, are respectful of each other. He has told her from the start that he is not interested in being her husband. He has told her that he wants to eventually settle down but not with her. He wants to remain a friend to us both. He "guards his heart".

But Carma and I are connected on many levels. I see her without makeup in her flannel pjs. Still sexy to me. We raise our kids together. We have a plethora of experience that is unique to our relationship. We are very compatible on many levels. Yes, I don't want Butch to share that. Does that make me selfish? Okay.

Butch has a whole different family life that he wants to keep separate too. He doesn't want to break up our family. He doesn't want to live in my house. He is struggling financially and has serious health issues but he's his own man. He needs friends, he needs sex., too. I am a very good friend to him, a regular eskimo. He and I talk on deep levels that most men don't because of his sharing of my wife. But he is respectful of Carma and they have great sex. If he wasn't, I would deal with that accordingly. But Carma can take care of herself.

Last edited by sundance; 03-28-2011 at 03:47 PM. Reason: clarification
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  #145  
Old 03-28-2011, 07:48 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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That sounds like a good arrangement sundance. I wonder if carma will be okay when he finds a girlfriend. What would happen if they fall for each other more and connect more? Are there any plans for if and when things change? Or are you just living it for now?
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  #146  
Old 03-28-2011, 09:46 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sundance View Post
Carma and Butch, her boyfriend, are respectful of each other. He has told her from the start that he is not interested in being her husband. He has told her that he wants to eventually settle down but not with her. He wants to remain a friend to us both. He "guards his heart".

But Carma and I are connected on many levels. I see her without makeup in her flannel pjs. Still sexy to me. We raise our kids together. We have a plethora of experience that is unique to our relationship. We are very compatible on many levels. Yes, I don't want Butch to share that. Does that make me selfish? Okay.

Butch has a whole different family life that he wants to keep separate too. He doesn't want to break up our family. He doesn't want to live in my house. He is struggling financially and has serious health issues but he's his own man. He needs friends, he needs sex., too. I am a very good friend to him, a regular eskimo. He and I talk on deep levels that most men don't because of his sharing of my wife. But he is respectful of Carma and they have great sex. If he wasn't, I would deal with that accordingly. But Carma can take care of herself.
This sounds so much like the situation with Beodude and I.. Carma posted in my thread that her situation was similar, but man, she wasn't kidding!!

I haven't posted in this thread, as I don't feel I have anything additional of value to add, but I've been reading and it's been a wealth of information for both myself and Beodude.

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  #147  
Old 03-29-2011, 02:51 AM
garret9453 garret9453 is offline
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Quote:
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I haven't posted in this thread, as I don't feel I have anything additional of value to add,

Quite the opposite is true, you have much to contribute and we hope you will.

Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 03-29-2011 at 05:30 AM. Reason: Tags
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  #148  
Old 03-29-2011, 03:06 AM
sundance sundance is offline
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I wonder if carma will be okay when he finds a girlfriend.

I believe she would be sad like a proud mama hen and wave goodbye. Maybe not. But she has lost another lover before me and let go. She is deceptively strong.

What would happen if they fall for each other more and connect more? Are there any plans for if and when things change? Or are you just living it for now?
It could happen. He's a great guy, she's a goddess. For me, I haven't planned what I'm wearing to work tomorrow, We are both shaggy dogs and will adjust i believe.

My plan is to do what I'm doing now. Establish my own lovability. I am beginning to wonder if I might also have a capacity for poly love. Watch out Carma, my old devil is rising and he feels hot, young and virile.

Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 03-29-2011 at 05:30 AM.
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  #149  
Old 03-29-2011, 04:13 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sundance View Post
. . . my old devil is rising and he feels hot, young and virile.
Oh la la!
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #150  
Old 03-29-2011, 09:29 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Quote:
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I feel like i know you. Hello.
You do. I've held nothing back in this experience. My journey has been as you see it. After my initial post, I was given some pretty straight forward advice and a lot of encouragement to get honest with T and myself about what was/is really going on with us. This hasn't been easy or much fun at times, but it has been and continues to be one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Every day I find something new to look at, and every day I grow up just a little bit more.

Posting here has felt embarrassing at times, I'm not big on sharing my personal life especially online, but at the time I had nothing to lose, so I went for it. Best thing I've done in years.

I've been treated with respect, kindness and gentleness by all who have taken the time to stop by and help out a complete stranger. And no matter how this works out, I'll always remember this, and those who cared.

FT

Last edited by Freetime; 03-29-2011 at 09:39 AM.
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