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  #131  
Old 03-28-2011, 01:28 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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This song always helps me when things seem so insecure and even dangerous. It's encouraging. It's about how you're not alone and love is all there is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8y9CmAAnEY

(the lyrics are on the video)
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me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
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  #132  
Old 03-28-2011, 01:49 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
You folks ask tough questions, you won't let me slide at all here will you?
I took at least 7 hours before posting my reply...what more kind of break did you want? What happened to:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
2 weeks ago I barely understood polyamory. Today I feel like a recruiting SGT. All go no quit, Monogamy is for sissy's.
??

Now maybe this part will make more sense....
Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Good on you for working so hard to get yourself up to her level, but I'd caution her about plowing forward when her current partner isn't ready.

On of the maxim's that comes up frequently, other than communication (which Robfire was just touching on) is going at the pace of the slowest person.
I mentioned your wife in this...but would it have killed ya to see how it applied to you?? Have you seen the Powerthirst Commercials on YouTube?? This is like that but it was me instead of Mother Nature telling you to "SLOOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOOWN" and you said "FUCK YOU!!!" And kicked me in the head with your ENERGY LEGS!!!

It's been like what...20 days?
You know how rollercoasters in your town work. You get to ride once or twice during the 10 days, depending on how much you actually leave the beer gardens, and then that's it for the rest of the year. Unless you go to visit WestEd.
You've been riding the rollercoaster continuously for over 2 weeks straight, all day everyday.....it's no bloody wonder you're exhausted. You've gone further in 10 days than I've seen or heard a lot of people manage in 10 Months!!! Hell, I spent over 8 months just trying to deprogram the patriarchal programming that made the prospect of my wife being with a guy unpalatable.

Seriously...take it easy, you're making the rest of us (read: me) look bad!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
3) I love T. Everything else is just Bullshit.
4) T loves me.
5) T really really loves me.
8) When this gets to be to much, ask for help and take a break.

10) I'm not alone. never was, Never will be.
The most salient points that I'm glad you've recognized, and you should look back on frequently to re-remind yourself about.

And, no, I'm not actually at you...just sayin' you could and probably should take a little while to suck back and reload.
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  #133  
Old 03-28-2011, 02:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I mentioned your wife in this...but would it have killed ya to see how it applied to you?? Have you seen the Powerthirst Commercials on YouTube?? This is like that but it was me instead of Mother Nature telling you to "SLOOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOOWN" and you said "FUCK YOU!!!" And kicked me in the head with your ENERGY LEGS!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs

Just in case you needed the visual
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  #134  
Old 03-28-2011, 02:55 AM
sundance sundance is offline
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Default just grab a life jacket, I'm riding in the wave next to you

I have been married to Carma for 12 years. She started an emotional affair with my best friend after 7 years of marriage. After predictable developments, I finally jumped into the waves and told them both to consummate the relationship on 10-10-10. That was better than the deceit and dishonesty. They are my two best friends. It has been a wild ride. It's a friends with benefits arrangement that takes place once or twice a week. She loves him. She loves me. She is experiencing the NRE that only a new lover can share. It creates self doubts in me. Why aren't I more lovable? I can be riding at a nice steady gait and suddenly my horse pulls up short and takes off for the barn. Suddenly I am NOT alright with this!

My daughter found out and chastised my wife. I felt guilt about being a wimp and letting this go on even though I realized i am powerless anyway. My friend cut her off when he found out i was not alright. I call it respect, others might call it fear. I love him as a friend. We are both straight, mono men.

My wife is happy being poly. The sex part doesn't get me as much as the fear they will run off together. Then i will be excluded, my biggest fear. More likely , she will be his "transition" woman and he will move onto a mono relationship with another. Who can predict?

My wife and I can be very codependent. But I think I have finally hit on the path that will bring me peace. I am now actively seeking ways, journaling, therapy and communicating, to learn to love MYSELF. I am a little boy of coal. My upbringing helped mold me into an insecure child who used my romantic relationship, in this case my wife, to provide my worthiness as a human being. If she loved me i must be okay. But if she withdrew that love or loved someone else too I must be less worthy. That's bullshit! I am lovable. You need to look within yourself for the security to know that you are worthy of love. Intellectualizing the behavior of my poly wife, my hot wife, has smothered the emotional "gut" response I had to the "loss" of my codependent lover. It's alright to have a negative visceral response to her behavior. But I believe learning to love yourself will "allow" you to accept her need to love others and may open up your capacity to not only love her more but to love others too.

I may have an overpowering wave of emotional feeling hopeless about Carma and her lover tomorrow. But the sting is dissipating as i learn to accept myself as a lovable man.

Hang in there brother, it takes a BIG man to learn to live with this. But it is worth it. You are not alone. My wife and I are raising 6 kids. I feel honor in keeping our union together for their sake too.

Last edited by sundance; 03-28-2011 at 03:26 AM.
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  #135  
Old 03-28-2011, 03:09 AM
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Shit sundance, please add some paragraphs. I really want to read what you say but its too hard for this dyslexic. It makes my eyes blurry
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  #136  
Old 03-28-2011, 03:17 AM
sundance sundance is offline
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Sorry Red. It was my continuous stream of (un)consciousness. It has no periods or commas, but I'll try and do better next post.
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  #137  
Old 03-28-2011, 05:01 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I took at least 7 hours before posting my reply...what more kind of break did you want? What happened to:
??

Now maybe this part will make more sense....

I mentioned your wife in this...but would it have killed ya to see how it applied to you?? Have you seen the Powerthirst Commercials on YouTube?? This is like that but it was me instead of Mother Nature telling you to "SLOOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOOWN" and you said "FUCK YOU!!!" And kicked me in the head with your ENERGY LEGS!!!

It's been like what...20 days?
You know how rollercoasters in your town work. You get to ride once or twice during the 10 days, depending on how much you actually leave the beer gardens, and then that's it for the rest of the year. Unless you go to visit WestEd.
You've been riding the rollercoaster continuously for over 2 weeks straight, all day everyday.....it's no bloody wonder you're exhausted. You've gone further in 10 days than I've seen or heard a lot of people manage in 10 Months!!! Hell, I spent over 8 months just trying to deprogram the patriarchal programming that made the prospect of my wife being with a guy unpalatable.

Seriously...take it easy, you're making the rest of us (read: me) look bad!!!


The most salient points that I'm glad you've recognized, and you should look back on frequently to re-remind yourself about.

And, no, I'm not actually at you...just sayin' you could and probably should take a little while to suck back and reload.
yeah, My balls beat my brain to the decision making and off we went, and I paid for my hubris.

T and I have really stepped back from this and are talking about best methods as opposed to doing best methods. Not that actually going on T date as secret bodyguard makes any sense at all....well even just typing that makes me cringe at the sheer dumbness in action. How did I survive to this age?


Anyway, Point taken. Way to much for this yahoo to learn yet. if you see me about to go off on another Mission Impossible let me know.
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  #138  
Old 03-28-2011, 05:30 AM
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Carma Carma is offline
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FT, You are NO dumbass!!! You are very, very brave. Give yourself a little credit, will ya?! You dove right in, out of love.

Kudos to you, and T, and all the other brave souls out there living and loving with ALL their hearts.

And thanks for sharing your story so openly and honestly. Gives me real hope.

Last edited by Carma; 03-28-2011 at 05:32 AM. Reason: keep getting Freetime's "T" and Beo's "Jen" mixed up!
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  #139  
Old 03-28-2011, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by sundance View Post
Sorry Red. It was my continuous stream of (un)consciousness. It has no periods or commas, but I'll try and do better next post.
Thank you so much... much easier for me. Being tired didn't help
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  #140  
Old 03-28-2011, 07:41 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sundance View Post

My wife is happy being poly. The sex part doesn't get me as much as the fear they will run off together. Then i will be excluded, my biggest fear.
Sweet Jebus in an armlock Batman!!! Exactly!! If T could have a FWB relationship without the friend part I'd be good with this this. Well not really. Why? because I want whoever T ends up spending time with to be a kind and emotionally generous Human being who treats T with love and respect. I'm sure we could find a "Hump & Run" fairly easily, but an ongoing FWB poly takes time. I think.
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