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  #111  
Old 03-26-2011, 03:22 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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If you are worried about her safety you can always ask her to send you a text/give you a call at a designated time to let you know that all is well. It's easy enough to excuse yourself from the table for a minute to make that kind of call. It sounds to me that she wanted you there as a security blanket. Ask her if she feels safe at other times when she is out without you. There really isn't any reason if she is out in a public place and not consuming a lot of alcohol for her not to feel safe on a first date.

Make plans of your own next time she's out. Go and do something that you enjoy that isn't her favourite thing to do. Or for that matter stay home and do something that she doesn't like to do. I love my alone time. I get to watch my cooking competition shows that my husband isn't terribly fond of. I also get to make myself refried bean burritos and have ice cream with butterscotch sauce for dessert. I look forward to my dates with myself quite a lot.
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  #112  
Old 03-26-2011, 08:48 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default Not a good night.

I don't feel well, Haven't all day. Physically mostly, but it's also affecting me emotionally. And sure enough I got into it with T tonight and here I am talking to you because I can't/won't talk to her. Biggest change in my life in 20 yrs and I'm no longer comfortable discussing it with T. Fucking awesome.

In our chat before I came up here to talk to you I asked T why I was the only one learning anything about this, (poly) and why wasn't she doing more to help me. Well as it happens as I came down stairs and just before I started my holier the thou sermon, T was on this very board reading posts in the fireside chat section. Yes really. We laughed, she didn't get upset and we went to sit down and continue our discussion, which instead of being a good experience ended as I described above.

My discussion has left me feeling like I talk to much, whine to much. Embarrassing? pretty much.

I want out. I didn't sign up for this. I've had enough, Ts free to fuck who she wants but I'm not sticking around to watch. it's been fun, ( not really ) but I'm done.

Last edited by Freetime; 03-26-2011 at 09:59 AM.
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  #113  
Old 03-26-2011, 10:33 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default Sometimes I'm slow.

My marriage is over. I realized tonight while lying in bed that stay together or not, my marriage as I know it, is done. It has been for awhile, it just took me until now to see it. The day T decided that she was poly was the day this union ended. Our vows are null and void. I've taken off my ring as the promise it represented is no longer valid. I'm all over the place emotionally, ups, downs you name it I'm feeling it. I just can not seem to find a fucking balance for long. I have experienced feeling really strong and truly happy for the first time in a long time but I can't hold onto it. This is so......Frustrating.

T made it clear that I've talked, babbled or rambled on about this far to much, so I'm just going to shut up and try to work this out on my own.

And just to make my day perfect, I'm getting a gut, not a big one but it bothers me. T looks like a Hotwife fantasy come true, and I look like shit. One more thing for me to work on, because I just don't have enough to clean up, fix, look at, deal with as it is.

I should have stayed in the basement.
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  #114  
Old 03-26-2011, 10:40 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Awww, Freetime! You're on a low on the rollercoaster. Sounds to me like lurking at the restaurant to "keep your wife safe" on her blind date really did a number on you. I could not have done that.

If your wife is getting tired of talking about her forays into poly with you, I feel it's time to take a break from the whole thing. She needs to stop dating and let all these new lessons you two are learning sink in. It's a huge change and you're both exhausted.

You will find your balance if you just slow down and be loving to each other for a while. You need reassurance... heck, I've been with my poly gf now for 2 years and I still really appreciate her expressions of love and need for me, in the hours before she goes to see her bf, and in the day after when she gets home.

Many hugs. I understand how draining these new insights can be.
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  #115  
Old 03-26-2011, 12:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
My marriage is over. I realized tonight while lying in bed that stay together or not, my marriage as I know it, is done. It has been for awhile, it just took me until now to see it. The day T decided that she was poly was the day this union ended. Our vows are null and void. I've taken off my ring as the promise it represented is no longer valid. I'm all over the place emotionally, ups, downs you name it I'm feeling it. I just can not seem to find a fucking balance for long. I have experienced feeling really strong and truly happy for the first time in a long time but I can't hold onto it. This is so......Frustrating.
You're right, the marriage that you had is over, it's changed. Change doesn't have to mean bad though. It takes time to get to a new normal where things feel right again between you. You have taken on a lot and have done it very quickly. Give it time and let it sink in. Figure out what your boundaries are and talk about them. You are allowed to have needs. It looks like you're trying to be the good guy here and just going at the speed that she wants to go. The 2 of you are in a partnership though and if you don't speak up and say "too much, too fast" how is she to know that you're not doing ok?

Can you identify what your triggers are in this journey? Give her some really concrete things that you need her to do for you or that you need to be held back? Try not to write anything in stone because chances are that you won't always feel this way. The balance does happen and the hiccoughs become fewer and farther between.
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  #116  
Old 03-26-2011, 02:13 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
...................
Hmmmmm what I"m trying to say here is that I don't know what I should be doing here II. How much more do I have to do? When this got started I signed on here, and got busy.I've worked to overcome any of my old emotional/mental shit that might get in the way of Ts journey and continue to do so. I've paid attention to everything you and the others have said and have done what I can to implement your suggestions. I've helped screen the candidates online, provided security on her date, and continue to be open to this new Idea called Poly.

But it seems that everyday I come up against or experience something I don't understand. Am I whining? Maybe. I just wish I had something to ground me when I start feeling uneasy or afraid. This board is all I have right now, You folks are it.
Hey Freetime,

In the event it's any help, I think the thing that gets most people over that final hurdle is just resignation. And I don't use that term in a weak, despondent manner. It's more a realization and acceptance of reality and rather than wasting time and energy fighting against, we make a conscious choice to flow with it.

Here's what it comes down to.................

When we really love people we want their happiness and fulfillment. (you're doing this now) But there's a possessive/selfish side of us that doesn't want their happiness to come at a cost to US ! And when it comes to love & relationships etc we've been taught it's a zero sum game - which of course is a fallacy. That's a whole topic in itself and not going there now.

But in the end it's this...........
We either are genuine in our desire for their happiness - or we're not. And that has nothing to do with any pain and discomfort it may cause us. Our pain is our OWN problem. Trying to force someone else to alleviate OUR pain eventually destroys the best parts and depth of a relationship. We're effectively holding someone prisoner against their will and best interest.

And at some point, we have the option of just giving that up. Resigning ourself to the fact that IF there is real love and bonding between us that it CAN'T be kept there with a barbed wire fence. It will either survive and grow on it's real merits - or it wasn't real in the first place. Only an illusion. Maybe a hope, a fantasy, a misinterpretation.

So we resign ourselves to find out the truth. And we quit building fences.....

What will be will be.......... and we accept that. We're not some god that has all the best answers for how life flows.

GS
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  #117  
Old 03-26-2011, 03:50 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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I've been going through a lot of what you've been going through as well Freetime. One person on here said in my blog thing, that I was mourning. Mourning the loss of what my marriage was. It made a lot of sense to me. Even if you said that your wife can't be poly, and she was totally cool with that, it wouldn't change anything. It would still be there, and you would know it. She wouldn't be as happy as she could be....

It's an incredibly hard thing to overcome. I've been dealing with it the last few weeks myself. I think I'm finally starting to give it up, as far as trying to hold on to what we had, and go forward with what we have. It hasn't really changed anything at all. Only thing that has changed is how we feel about each other, and that hasn't been negative in any way.


It's going to take time to find a comfort area for everybody. That's just something you are going to have to figure out on your own. I still don't even know where mine is really. I'm still struggling with everything, and I still have back and forth days. I think there have been days where I started out cool with poly, then didn't want it, then for it again, and by the end of the day wanted nothing to do with it. So it seems the back and forth thing is pretty normal.

Are things going to fast for you? Is that why you want to fight it so much? Just remember that you have as much of a stake in this as your wife. If you need to start out slow, then so be it. Hopefully you can communicate that, and hopefully your wife will agree to it as well.

Good luck, and remember that your wife still loves you very much. Otherwise she wouldn't have asked you to go along with poly!
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  #118  
Old 03-26-2011, 06:37 PM
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Ah Freetime, I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. It is indeed a process, but not the end of the world. Your stamina is being tested... time to slow down. It sounds like she needs a break too if she is sick of your talking about it so much.

Try not to take it personally, its a shame she didn't say she needs a break, but there ya go, things don't always come out the way they are intended... it takes practice to be patient and empathetic in communication. Its hard to not take others in consideration when words come out. I struggle with that too, as do others. Humans are inherently selfish and in a fit of needing something to end, it is easy to throw ones hands up and say "fuck it" or "shut up already" than realize what we are saying is not what we mean... really the language used should be more along the lines of "I need a break for a bit... can you give me 24 hours and then we will talk about it again?" or "I need a break from talking about this for now... talk in the morning?" Very different way of saying it. Emotion does crazy things to our need for some sanity in it all.

Keep at it my friend and agree to take a break for a bit. She has been going great guns it sounds like... it sounds like you have a need to catch up... I highly doubt you really think she should go out and fuck whomever because your marriage is done. From what I have read of you and your marriage, it sounds far from over, just changing... change takes time and taking breaks is totally valid. Totally valid to ask for too.
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  #119  
Old 03-26-2011, 08:56 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Smart people here, Freetime. Listen to them; you're in our thoughts.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 03-26-2011 at 11:32 PM. Reason: typo
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  #120  
Old 03-26-2011, 11:22 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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I have to say freetime, you're a braver man than I. I wouldn't be able to watch TP on a date. Mind you at this point I have been on dates with Mr A there...that not withstanding you're very fresh and this going out might have been pushing you past your comfort limit...

It's self destructive to torture yourself by seeing her out...that being said I've felt the same jealousy of TP going out and not anything about who she's with. Redpepper was right, when she goes out plan to fill your time; I went to the gym, read, played xbox...chores, anything to keep busy...
We're here for you and you are doing well, keep it up and be patient, the frustration will pass.
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