Being a go-between

So I've heard a lot about Pivots being a go-between between metas a lot, but has anyone ever been a meta in that position?

We are in a closed V, at my meta's request (she is usually monogamous), about a month or so in. Pivot and I have been together over a decade and are nesting partners. Me and meta aren't officially dating, though she would like to, we just aren't there yet. I am not dating others because it would bother her at this point. So it is.. triad-ish?

Meta is long distance. My partner sees her every three weeks while he is there for work. We have had two weekends with all three of us so far, and two more planned. She often feels left out or like we will forget about her if we do anything together on our weekends when she is not visiting. The thing that is worrying me is that she will tell these things to me in detail, but not our mutual partner. She also feels strongly for him in a way she doesn't want to tell him until he says it first; she doesn't want to scare him off with her feelings. I have assured her she won't, but it hasn't helped much.

I will sometimes ask my nesting partner if she brought anything up with him, and he will either say 'no' or 'a bit but not really'. He's not the worrying type, and for the most part I am happy to help, but it is starting to be a bit draining! I sometimes feel like I am an emotional crutch so meta doesn't have to have any really hard conversations with our pivot and the risks/work involved because she thinks the tiniest thing would make him leave her. As a result it feels like my partner thinks things are fine with her or at least not a big deal, while I have a lot of worries piling up in my corner about how many insecurities she has and how often and my inability to fix them. I am doing my best to be reassuring, but the issues seem to come up again as soon as she is back home alone or we do something couply together.

I try to encourage her to talk to partner too, but so far it hasn't changed much. I am wondering if there is a way I can take a step back from being too much in the 'helper' role without necessarily pulling back emotionally? I don't want her to feel bad, but I do think she should talk more to our pivot if she's that worried and I am starting to feel pretty emotionally drained. I also feel like it's really not allowing us to really get closer.

Thanks in advance!

Sorry to hear that. It sounds like you are uncomfortable with her oversharing her concerns about their dyad. The (her + him) stuff. You could ask her to start telling him directly and for her to ask for his reassurance and support. You could tell her to stop you because it makes you uncomfortable to know things about his relationships that he doesn't even know. It is not your place.

Has it been 3 strikes? And she still won't own it? Then you can make him and her aware and state what you expect to happen. Then bow out from it.

I sometimes feel like I am an emotional crutch so meta doesn't have to have any really hard conversations with our pivot and the risks/work involved because she thinks the tiniest thing would make him leave her.

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Yup. I think you call it right. And that IS draining.

I am wondering if there is a way I can take a step back from being too much in the 'helper' role without necessarily pulling back emotionally?

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In those shoes? Module what you want. Deal with them direct.

I think you could tell them both "I feel uncomfortable and wanted to make you both aware. I see a communication style that is not working for me.
X has things to tell you, Y. So far she has only been telling me. I have encouraged her to talk to you directly rather than tell me. I prefer to reduce triangulation.

X, I have told you to speak directly __ times and so far you have not. At this point I need to recuse myself and not be the overloaded middle man. I need to meet my own need to be more at peace and not worrying.

So I am making you both aware that there's communication that is going to the wrong mailbox. This one is not for my mailbox. Here is opportunity for you guys to sort out the mail between you. I leave it to you X to give Y the details.

In future, you can both expect me to do the same if something ends up on my desk that does not belong there -- I will respectfully bring it up to make both you guys aware and then step back to let you both sort it out directly between you."

If she feels bad about her oversharing with the wrong person leading to a conversation about "where to send the mail" then she could change her behavior so she doesn't feel bad about it again in future. Just learn to send the mail to the right person in the first place.

Don't ignore YOU feeling bad (drained) just to shield her from consequences of her own behavior choices. This isn't anything mean.

It's just sorting out info management stuff since it is only a month in. Don't make it be a bigger deal than it has to be. But nip it in the bud.

Galagirl

Thanks GalaGirl; I won't say that her concerns are necessarily her + him related, they are related to the relationship as a whole and a fear of us leaving her, forgetting about her, or how much we do without her (with the exception of her not wanting to tell him just how strongly she feels about him yet). Basically I feel like I get all the serious talks about what she's worried about whereas she doesn't mention them on the same level to our mutual partner.

Example this weekend: my and my nesting partner were visiting family. We chatted casually by text (same as we would any weekend) and she mentions that nothing is going right for her lately (plans for visiting next weekend fell through) and she felt like we do so much stuff without her that she worried we would forget her ("or something dumb like that", she often puts down her self/feelings). Nesting partner notices I am texting pretty intensely and asks what is going on, but we are at dinner so I say I will explain later. I tell him our conversation (which usually go: she expresses concern/worry/insecurity, I comfort/ask questions, and then she turns around and is dismissive of her concerns and that she is just 'being crazy'). I was very concerned that she wouldn't really tell us what she needed or make a boundary because she's afraid we'll just ditch her at a moment's notice. Partner says he will text her to talk about it too.

I ask about their talk later and partner says they didn't talk much but that things seem fine, which makes me think she downplayed her concerns with him again. Now she is saying it must just have been her period (which started today). But this is not really the first time we've had serious conversations about her feeling jealous or insecure (she compares herself to me a lot, especially physically).

We'll have seen her three times in two weeks, which is pretty darned good for LDR? We should be able to see her 2-3 times a month (either together, or just our mutual partner because he's up there for work) once a schedule is pinned down. I get a feeling that seeing her more doesn't really help as much as she thinks because the distance is not the root of the problem.

I think I would feel less drained if I knew she was expressing similar feelings to both of us, or sometimes would talk to partner about them too sometimes. I'm flattered she feels so comfortable with me, but I feel like issues will arise in the future if she's too afraid to a) express not-ideal feelings to Partner, and b) ask for or express what she needs from us to help her.

The other difficulty is the insecurity; I want to be reassuring, but I don't want to make her dependent on our words of affirmation for security, which I've heard gets more and more difficult for everyone as time goes on.

Basically I feel like I get all the serious talks about what she's worried about whereas she doesn't mention them on the same level to our mutual partner.

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Thank you for clarifying that. Still doesn't change that you asked her to tell him things more and she is not. She continues to overload you. If it were me?

1) I would give up the idea of dating her yourself. She's not dating you right now and you already find her draining.

2) I would tell him and her it's a V, not a triad. You are friendly, but you are not the guy to be telling all this stuff too. Then she can just worry about him leaving her or not. Reduce the load.

3) Tell her to talk to her BF (hinge) directly. That's how to get over her fear. To try it on and see it was unfounded fear.

4) Make them both aware like I suggested before. She either owns it and tells him then or not, but then he's not in a dark about this off putting behavior and you have recused yourself. Next time it comes up -- you do same. Tell them both you are not the guy and that they could talk to each other.

5) YOU could set a boundary for yourself. When she starts leaking her stuff on you do NOT comfort. At the family visit, why answer her text? You are not being present on your own visit date. Stop being so available. When you do respond? You model what you want from her.

Speak up directly and honestly. "Stop, please. I am not the right person to process this with. You could talk to your boyfriend directly, another friend, or if under great pressure, see a counselor. I am confident that you can handle this and find the appropriate people to tell this to. I am not that person. "

Lather, rinse, repeat. Any time after, just be flat and say same thing. Be boring. She will seek attention elsewhere. She's not looking to solve anything -- she's looking to unload.

6) It is NOT "flattering." It is being an emotional drain on you. This is dubious "honor" and if she's that up and down with her emotional regulation all the time? You cannot be "carrying" her emotionally. That is not a healthy person. She will keep dumping on you as long as YOU let her. You don't sound happy about it, so stop. Get yourself out of the way.

I get a feeling that seeing her more doesn't really help as much as she thinks because the distance is not the root of the problem.

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Yup. The root of the problem is her beliefs/behaviors. She doesn't sound like she likes herself much, she overloads, talks down about herself, and so on. Victim mentality. The only one who can change all that is her. Not you or him.

The other difficulty is the insecurity; I want to be reassuring, but I don't want to make her dependent on our words of affirmation for security, which I've heard gets more and more difficult for everyone as time goes on.

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That's the beauty of letting her do her own job. You can reassure her that you are confident she can handle this and find the correct people to tell. It just happens to not be you. Let HER own it. IF she's really after solutions, there she can go to find the right people to tell. If you observe her NOT seeking solutions, that tells you something. She wanted to keeping dumping on you but you got out of the way.

I could be wrong. But I think you could try getting out of the splash zone to see if you at least feel better.

Galagirl

Thank you. I only JUST agreed to attempting a closed triad/dating her (even before when we were just friends though, it bothered her to think of me pursuing others) so I am not sure backtracking on that in the span of a week would be very helpful.

So last night while my partner was there with her she did talk to him about her worries, and while she did mention the distance sucking, and talked a bit about the future, she said she worries most about ME and scaring ME with her feelings, and that she worries much less about Partner. Which is all news to me. She did at least finally admit her feelings for him, which is reciprocated (I knew he would but wasn't my place to say). But I am hella confused now.

But I am hella confused now.

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She's sounding more and more like a fog maker to me. In case it helps you:

http://outofthefog.net

I only JUST agreed to attempting a closed triad/dating her

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It is totally valid to bow out after a week if you are not having fun and are being drained. You are allowed to change your mind.

I think the way to unconfuse yourself is to focus on YOU first. Stop focussing on her fear and weird first.

• YOUR self care is your first priority to you.
• BF's self care is his first priority to him.
• Her self care is her first priority to her.

This is fair. Each one does their OWN self care first so they don't burn out or run dry. Then they are free to gift help to other people's reasonable requests.

Right now you are drained. So you could start with YOUR self care first. What do you want?

• You want her to stop overloading you. (This is fair. Stop responding so much. Redirect her to appropriate people instead. If you can only spare her $5 of emotional attention, why are you giving her $1000 and leaving yourself drained and broke in the emotional wallet? )
  
• Are you eager and joyful to date her as she is right now, unchanged? Sounds like "no" to me -- you find her too draining for you.

Am I getting that wrong?

To me it sounds like you don't want to make any waves from fear she will implode or explode or whatever. She's presenting as a "delicate flower." So why date her? Wait til she's a healthy person to date. Don't take on a patient case load.

I could be wrong but I think she's sucking you into managing her world for her so she never feels yucky. That is not your job. It is also messed up.

So last night while my partner was there with her she did talk to him about her worries, and while she did mention the distance sucking, and talked a bit about the future, she said she worries most about ME and scaring ME with her feelings, and that she worries much less about Partner. Which is all news to me.

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This sounds like she tells you one thing and tells him another. Triangulation.

Step back and see clear: If she worried SO much about scaring you off, she could stop overloading you. So why doesn't she modify her behavior? Because she has a covert agenda: She's not looking for healthy solutions. She's seeking access. She's looking to unload her stuff into your bag rather than carry her own baggage.

To me it sounds like she is doing "poor little old me" to both of you. She got you first, now working on him. Now she's telling BF that she is afraid that her drowning you will scare you off. For what purpose? To me it sounds like to hook him so he signs up to be her other reassure fountain.

I think you called it right the first time:

I don't want to make her dependent on our words of affirmation for security, which I've heard gets more and more difficult for everyone as time goes on.

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I think she's recruiting both of you to be her "prop me up" people so she can avoid dealing with her emotional problems appropriately with a counselor. If she can dump on your guys she feels better temporarily until it comes back. Not a healthy dynamic. Not a permanent solution.

In order to avoid this as well as triangulation, I suggest you all talk in three, and everyone just lay it out on the table PLAIN.

• All her worries which she tells you and him separately. Tell it all now so everyone is made aware and all on the same page.
  
• Your feeling put off by her overloading behavior. How is she going to change this?
  
• Your worry that she's not seeking permanent solutions but people to prop her up. This much load? See a counselor. Deal with it appropriately. Is she willing to do that?

Work on setting some healthy boundaries together so this can be a healthy dynamic. Otherwise, I fear you are setting yourself up for more drain.

If she's too broken to date in a healthy way right now, stop dating, encourage her to seek a counselor and work on herself first. Look you up when she is better.

Willing to date, but not yet able to do so in a healthy way. So could take a break to BECOME able.

Keeps it a lot simpler on you. Again, you are totally allowed to change your mind and back off if it is too much. And since you say you are feeling drained? It is too much. Respect your personal limitations.

Galagirl

Thanks GalaGirl. I had initially been a bit worried about dating her due to worrisome behaviours. Then she showed me a lot of empathy and support when I had a few anxious nights and that made me feel very much cared about and supported so I said we could give it a try. I really like her when she is that person and felt a lot of affection for her without my usual concerns.

Now she seems very much unworried about the other things she has brought up a few times now, so I guess I will see if it lasts, if not I will broach the subject and talk about more healthy ways to go about this?

She is afraid of 'fucking up one half of this relationship' that half being me. I told her I am not a half; we are one relationship, she has one relationship with Partner, I have one relationship with Partner, and we have a mutual relationship all together too. I hope that helps her think about it in a better way.

I feel as if she asks me a lot if I'm okay (with her visiting, with her being in love with my partner, etc.) but more than once in the same conversation (Are you SURE?) like she suspects I am not okay but hiding it or she doesn't really believe it's okay. That makes me more anxious than anything, and maybe I should communicate that too?

Thanks GalaGirl. I had initially been a bit worried about dating her due to worrisome behaviours.

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Why not listen to you then?

Then she showed me a lot of empathy and support when I had a few anxious nights and that made me feel very much cared about and supported so I said we could give it a try. I really like her when she is that person and felt a lot of affection for her without my usual concerns.

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And how long did it last before she started again with circle conversation where you have to be the reassure fountain? It is not sounding equal here if you are left drained. She gave you $20 of comfort once and now asks for $1000 back. This is not fair give and take.

I wish I could think of a nicer way to say it but I really think you are at risk here for getting sucked in deeper into a weird dynamic.

You also seem to know it. But you seem like you don't want to know it. YKWIM?

Do I guess wrong?

I feel as if she asks me a lot if I'm okay (with her visiting, with her being in love with my partner, etc.) but more than once in the same conversation (Are you SURE?) like she suspects I am not okay but hiding it or she doesn't really believe it's okay. That makes me more anxious than anything, and maybe I should communicate that too?

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This is not a feeling. I notice you use feel in place of observe or experience. It sounds persnickety but see if changing your vocab to be accurate helps you unconfuse in your feelings. It could become...

I experience her asking me a lot if I'm okay with her visiting, with her being in love with my partner, etc. I experience her asking me "Are you SURE?" like she suspects I am not okay but hiding it or like she doesn't really believe it's okay.

This behavior of hers makes me more anxious than anything. Maybe I should communicate that too?

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Yes. Communicate that. Say what behavior you want. What behavior you do not want. Ask if she's willing or not willing to meet your request that she stop/start doing X behavior?

Again... model what you want. Be up front, direct, honest. Keep it on behavior done/not done. Don't do more merry-go-round conversation about her feelings. That's draining. Also not your job. Encourage her to seek a counselor to process that stuff with and learn to regulate her emotions so she is not whooshing on people. The appropriate person.

If necessary? Step back to let her become more healthy first if she's that broken. Don't date broken.

Firm things up for yourself so you can be doing better. If this is too much of a drag for you, know it is ok to bow out. Your well being is your responsibility.

Galagirl

Thank you for the links. Yes I do think I'm hesitant to keep going because of what I am noticing (thanks for the vocab cue, I tend to frame everything in terms of feelings; I guess it's less threatening and sometimes I wonder if I am observing something or if my feelings are getting in the way of what I experience) but want to see if I can try some things to improve it before I fully pull back.

I do need to remind myself I can back out, though she seems to idealize us as a package deal.

Glad it helps some. I hope you are able to get to a place where things are sorted out one way or the other so you can start to feel better.

Galagirl

MrsBrightside said:

We are in a closed V, at my meta's request (she is usually monogamous), about a month or so in. Pivot and I have been together over a decade and are nesting partners. Me and meta aren't officially dating, though she would like to, we just aren't there yet. I am not dating others because it would bother her at this point. So it is.. triad-ish?

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This does not make sense to me at all. You're in a vee, and your metamour "won't let you" date others? Because she wants it closed and hopes to date you, but you aren't sure you want that? That is ridiculous! She's your metamour - she should not dictate anything about whether you can be in another relationship or not. She should only be managing her relationship with her bf/your partner/the hinge. And texting you about her insecurities - NOT appropriate AT ALL.

WTF?!! Why do you put up with that nonsense and foolishness?

Well, she expressed that it would bother her if I was dating (not as much as it would bother her if our partner/the hinge was dating) and that I could if I wanted, just that her ideal is 'as monogamous as three people dating can be'. I've never dated outside of my relationship with Partner in 11 years, though I was warming up to the idea (he travels and thought it would be nice if I had a girlfriend too). I agreed to it to make her comfortable for now, but with the caveat that we would re-evaluate if someone I was interested in came up. I just am not actively looking.

I do wonder if it was wise to agree to it, I guess I just didn't want to cause more worry, *sigh* Probably not a good idea either, huh?

MrsBrightside said:

Well, she expressed that it would bother her if I was dating . . .

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Yeah, so?

So what if she's "bothered?" What's that got to do with you? Why do you have to accommodate her being bothered? SMH.

MrsBrightside said:

I've never dated outside of my relationship with Partner in 11 years, though I was warming up to the idea (he travels and thought it would be nice if I had a girlfriend too).

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Oh, did he decree an OPP for you (One Penis Policy)? In other words, are you only "allowed" to be with a woman, or can you get involved with a man, too, if you want to, or if you meet someone and hit it off? Do a tag search here for OPP if that is the case, if you want to read some more about that.

MrsBrightside said:

I agreed to it to make her comfortable for now, but with the caveat that we would re-evaluate if someone I was interested in came up. I just am not actively looking.

I do wonder if it was wise to agree to it, I guess I just didn't want to cause more worry, *sigh* Probably not a good idea either, huh?

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Avoiding unhappiness is not the path to happiness. It isn't your job to "make her comfortable," as if you could do that for her anyway. Her insecurities are hers to fix and no one else's. Nobody can make anyone else feel a certain way - her feelings are hers. She is making you responsible for her state of being, and you're not even in a relationship with her! She's involved with your Partner (can we get some aliases here, to make it easier?), not you. Can you not see the absurdity of what she's asked of you?

No, I don't think you should have agreed to anything with her. I wouldn't be structuring my dating life for any third party not involved with me, nor constantly engaging in text conversations with a metamour, and I especially would not stand for any attempt to get me to assuage her fears or insecurities surrounding her relationship with your partner. If it was some reassurance she needed from me about her relationship with me, sure, but how are you supposed to trying to "make her feel better" about her relationship with him?

She sounds incredibly immature and irresponsible. You are being too nice.

I guess I didn't have to accommodate her, she never said I had to, only what she preferred, and she does know it is open-ended and can be revisited. I guess because I hadn't really dated before I didn't think I'd be missing out on much for now? I thought I would revisit it if it ever came up and I found someone I wanted to date/who wanted to date me.

And no, no OPP here. He (we will call him W) just knows I am mostly attracted to women and he is mostly an anomaly, haha. He would be fine with me dating a man if I happened to find another one I liked. He would also be fine with M (meta) dating if she wanted to but she does not.

I realize it's not my job to make her comfortable, though I know being new to poly can be challenging and her insecurities won't be something that goes away over night. I guess I just hoped to make the transition a little easier, although I suppose you are right in that it may actually do nothing to fix her insecurities overall, so it is my mistake. She didn't really 'ask' me to do anything, to be fair. I think she tends to see the relationship as dating us as a unit, rather than two separate relationships, which is why I think I hear a lot about her worries (they are not specific to W, but more about logistics of poly: 'what if you guys get married, where do I fit, I feel left out when you guys do things together without me, etc'). I guess those all just seemed like fairly normal things to worry about, especially for someone new to a poly set-up. We are fairly new to it too (we have always had an open relationship though, which sometimes had feelings involved or were on-going, rarely ever just hook-ups; it was pretty easy to be okay with transitioning into a more poly style).

I don't mind how much we communicate, though I do feel the emphasis is often on the relationship which feels unfair. I have introduced her to the idea that her relationship with me is separate than her relationship with W and she admitted she hadn't been thinking of it that way. I don't really mind reassuring her about W once in a while if she ultimately was talking to him the most about any issues she was having, but at the moment it does feel unbalanced.

Ring theory.

While those are normal worries to have, she's kvetching in too much. You guys are in the inner circle with her.

She could learn to kvetch OUT to someone outside the system to process with like other friends or a poly counselor. Then bring you two the "cliff notes" version with her requests instead so you all aren't sucked dry. You could be more assertive about her getting help elsewhere. Spread the load out. That makes the transition easier for ALL of you.

You are past limit for how much of her stuff you can hold. You have your own adjustments to poly to be doing.

Galagirl

GalaGirl, you have the best links! That is very helpful. I feel as if her support network is small, particularly because while friends of hers know about her dating W, they do not know about me, except for her two best friends, one of whom isn't supportive, and the other recently moved and is thus pretty busy (though I did mention once that I was shocked she didn't have BFF to talk to when she was sad too). She has been kicking around the idea of telling her mom sometime soon, so that may be good. So I gather she is kvetching into the inner circle a lot because she hasn't really let any bigger circles know what's up. But it's something worth bringing up.

Glad it helps some.

I feel as if her support network is small, particularly because while friends of hers know about her dating W, they do not know about me

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All the more reason to see a poly counselor. She's not built an adequate social network of friends to support her in her life. That is her doing. Her responsibility to fix.

You can tell her to stop dumping on you... and point the path for more appropriate way of going (talk to other friends, talk to counselor). But don't try carry her emotionally or try to do her work FOR her. Expect her to stand on her own two feet and for her to carry her own baggage.

She didn't really 'ask' me to do anything, to be fair.

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If she is not actually making direct requests of you? Don't take on other people's stuff on for yourself at random. Why add to your already too full load rather than take away from it?

Everyone carries their own baggage, and does their fair share of the poly work load.

• It's not fair for others to dump it all on you to do. That's them not treating you well.
  
• If you go around picking up jobs that nobody asked you to do? That is you not treating you well.

You are at risk for burn out both ways.

Galagirl

Hi MrsBrightside,
Is there any news?

I think we've seen really good advice on this thread. I don't have a lot to add, but in general I want to advise you to be more firm with your meta. Tell her she needs to be more forthright with your mutual partner. Advise her that if she won't do it, then you will. Which will mean a group email sent to both her and him, telling him what she said and pointing out that this is for all three of you to discuss, not just you and her.

I would also suggest being more firm with him. When you ask him what she has told him, he says, "Oh nothing much, everything is fine." Tell him, "Everything isn't fine. Do you know what she has been telling me?" Tell him what she said and say, "You need to do something about this. You are the pivot. Get involved. Talk to her about it. Or make it a three-person conversation between all three of us. Not just her and me."

Her concerns should be discussed between just her and him if this is going to be a V for any length of time. If it's going to become a triad very soon, then it needs to be discussed between all three of you. But in no case should it be discussed between just you and her. At least that's my opinion.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for asking for an update. I am having a lot of mixed feelings this week. I took the advice and was firm this week; I did not enable any pertinent conversations about the relationship. She (let's go with Red) told her mother about our shared partner (I will call him Farmer), and actually did also tell her about me which was a surprise. Initially she was cautious but supportive, but is now firmly UNsupportive. I was sympathetic and told her to give her mom time. Other than that I gave myself some distance, but was pleasant when we chatted.

Twice since then Red has asked me if things are okay between us, and that she feels like things have changed since our conversation on Monday. I told her that things between us are fine. Once aside from this, maybe twice, she has highlighted the same concern with Farmer. She mentioned feeling 'paranoid' about it. I reassured her, but nothing more since she didn't really ask, and have assumed this was okay. When our conversations are about our days and generally casual, I really enjoy them.

In generally Red has been a bit of a wreck this week between her parents being unsupportive of her dating Farmer, an engaged man, and a few health related things. I'd like to think I've been very kind without expending too much energy. However, a few things tonight have been a bit concerning to me.

Red and Farmer were texting pretty heavily when I picked him up from work. It was getting steamy and Farmer shared a little that this was the case and I was happy for him, as this seemed more the 'norm' of about a month ago, where she was occasionally worried but not constantly and they texted a lot for fun reasons. We got home rather late for dinner and cooked it and then went to watch TV and eat pretty immediately; this is the norm. Usually we don't have our phones with us when we eat, ever. This is our bonding time after work and personally I find it very nice to unplug.

I came back upstairs to another lengthy text that she feels like things have changed this week between us, and reassured me she is 'fine' with us being platonic, but that it is new and hard for her to communicate with two people rather than one. I reassured her again, and mentioned that she can talk only to Farmer if that makes life easier. She refused and said she likes communicating with me too, and she apologized for being heavy on that this week; as it's been a difficult one for sorting out her emotions. I thought this was fine.

What she said to Farmer was a little different: she wants to be told when we are going to leave our phones for an extended period of time (so she knows we aren't dead, ignoring her, or talking about how to get rid of her apparently; I realize this is her self-deprecating humour, but it feels like a guilt trip in these kinds of situations to me) and she also wants more verbal reassurances than she previously thought she needed. Farmer agreed, though I told him I thought he was very very good with verbal reassurances, he didn't seem to think it was a big deal, verbal stuff is easy to do. But it rubbed me the wrong way; I feel like it is another subtle push against our boundaries, that she needs to know what we are doing when we are together so she doesn't get paranoid. I do not think she panics when he is at work and doesn't answer his phone for a few hours, but when he is with me she texts and often.

Am I being too sensitive due to being overwhelmed earlier this week? These kind of requests feel a tad close to the controlling side of things, and I feel unsure of how to address them because it's under the guise of feeling vulnerable and still processing the whole poly thing. I want to be sympathetic, but I also want to set healthy boundaries. I do not think these kinds of things will actually help her to feel secure or better. However, I will support Farmer's decision to deal with it how he chooses, and offer input if he asks. But more and more I am starting to see this Not Go Well.

Am I being too harsh? :/

I would like to highlight: I always give Red and Farmer plenty of space when they have alone time together, as they get it very little (she is long distance) in comparison (Farmer goes there once every three weeks unless other visits are arranged). I usually only text if one of them has first, and generally say my 'I Love Yous' and 'Goodnights' to Farmer before their dates. I even try to give them alone time when she visits. Being alone is tough sometimes, but I find ways to distract myself, and I don't want her to feel like I am purposefully imposing or disrupting their time together.

I don't want her to NOT text Farmer when he is home with me, that would be ridiculous. But I think maybe it's not unreasonable to ask her to expect we might not always be readily available either and not to freak out every time about it?