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  #1  
Old 12-20-2010, 02:08 PM
frogprincess21ca frogprincess21ca is offline
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Default anger at self need advice

ok well here it goes,

i am really lucky, i have two men in my life that are wonderful.

the problem i have is that the man that i was engaged to(no longer engaged because he wants my other partner to be on equal footing), whom i love, i have grown to hate intimate contact with him. kissing him makes me almost sick to my stomach and does not evoke any feelings of physical attraction. yes he is aware of this. it feels wrong when we make love. things in this relationship have been going downhill physically for at least three years. both Patric and me love each other dearly. He has been having problems in that area even though he is 27. he cannot get it up or keep it up(yes i know this is graphic, sorry if i offend). so for both of us this side of the relationship has died. we love sleeping next to each other and cuddling. We talk and laugh and fight just like any other couple that lives together. To loose each other(ie breakup) would devastate us. we have always been more friends then lovers. I feel terrible not being able to comfortably express physically my love for him. He is going through a tough time right now due to some illness and severe attention deficit disorder which involves inattention.

add to the pile my first boyfriend coming back into my life ( Patrick fully supports this). the physical intimacy is amazing on with this person. the love is extreme. if i were ever to say that there was such a thing as soul mates he would be the one.

so i love two people. which is weird because even though i have lots of friends that are in many different version of poly relationships i am not quiet comfortable with it internally yet. i mentally want this. but i was raised as a mono and am still having problems moving away form preset notions. i choose this relationship and am happy with the way things are i am having sever problems with not being able to love Patrick and be intimate with him. he just doesn't do it that way for me and i feel terrible about it. he is aware of this and tells me its ok but i am still feeling guilty.

the other thing is that i am turning 30 this year. last year my drive for intimacy jumped through the roof. i never was this way before and now this causes me to feel weird. i don't know how to be OK with this.

my soul mate is new to poly as well. he is just learning with the rest of us because this is all new to us.

how do i be ok with my want of lots of intimacy with my soul mate and be ok with the fact that i don't physically want Patrick. i feel terrible. i mean i love them both deeply. i have given Patrick the OK to seek elsewhere if he wants. but i still feel the loss of the ability to love Patrick in a intimate way.

confused.

tanya
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  #2  
Old 12-20-2010, 03:57 PM
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Don't worry about the graphics here, we have seen the gammot

Are you sure that you aren't just a non-sexual partner to your man? That is totally valid if you are. Sex and love are not always mutually inclusive. It could be that you are just fine with poly but think that you are not okay with it because of your mono tendancies... just a thought.

I have had bouts with PN where we have not had sex for up to three months. I have a lot of sex with Mono, everyday and some sometimes... It makes no difference to the amount of love I have. I also have a non-sexual boyfriend that I consider to be close and a girlfriend that due to circumstances I don't have tons of intimacy with. There are others on here that don't have sex with partners often because they have LDR's. The sex part in poly is kind of secondary. I don't know if you should be worried about it so much... if he is happy and you are and everyone is then you're good no?

If the issue is that you want to have more and so does he yet you can't bring yourself to, then that is another thing. Is his illness anything to do with the lack of drive for him and you? Is there any way around doing things a traditional way? Could you get a bit of kink on and be satisfied? Perhaps kissing is off the table, but a back massage isn't, him penetrating is off the table but him fingering you isn't, him smacking your ass and inserting a dildo is okay, but not a blow job.... see where I'm going? There is lots to do, maybe a bit of creativity... if you still want to have sex with him that is...
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Old 12-20-2010, 07:34 PM
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I'm curious when your lack of attraction to Patrick and his ED began relative to your involvement with the old boyfriend... Are there any correlations? What happened to change the way you felt about being with him?

Has Patrick sought medical help for his problem?
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I have had bouts with PN where we have not had sex for up to three months. I have a lot of sex with Mono, everyday and some sometimes... It makes no difference to the amount of love I have. I also have a non-sexual boyfriend that I consider to be close and a girlfriend that due to circumstances I don't have tons of intimacy with. There are others on here that don't have sex with partners often because they have LDR's. The sex part in poly is kind of secondary. I don't know if you should be worried about it so much... if he is happy and you are and everyone is then you're good no?

...
Wow. Thats a STREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH.

The inability to have physical sex is NOT secondary.
Not wanting sex is.
Big ol' difference.





@ OP : Define what you believe a 'partner' is. Is it romantic ? Is it people you can hang out with ? If it`s based in romance, and romantic love,..then you aren`t doing your former fiance any favours by being with him.

If it`s basis is on 'relationships in any form' and HE is also ok with that, then don`t feel guilty, carve your own path. Just make sure neither of you, are fooling yourselves.
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:43 PM
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[QUOTE=SourGirl;56444]
@ OP : Define what you believe a 'partner' is. Is it romantic ? Is it people you can hang out with ? If it`s based in romance, and romantic love,..then you aren`t doing your former fiance any favours by being with him.

QUOTE]

Wanting or needing sex does not define romantic love - i can cuddle and make out with my fiance and not want to have sex at all... I just want that special intimacy...

People can have sex with no love whatsoever being in the equation - it seems odd that you would use sex in a definition of romantic love... romantic love, to me, can exist quite happily with no sexual encounter at all...

Perhaps it is simply that the OP's NRE is playing silly buggers with her at the moment and things will settle down once she does??
Either way if she feels her relationship with her fiance is romantic, then it quite likely is... having the physical aspect removed does not mean she does not love her fiance...

though I do red flag at the sick to the stomach bit...
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:47 PM
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There ar people on here and that I know of that would have sex if they were around their partner physically, but as they have an LDR, the relationship is built on different things to build closeness. Obviously I wasn't addressing your experience sourgirl, judging by your response.
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:48 PM
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FlameKat : I did not equate sex with romantic love.


My response to RP differs from my response to the OP, hence making sure I directed my points.


Cuddling and intimacy with romantic feelings is easily a part of romantic love. Please dont insert words in my responses that aren`t there.

She doesn`t even want to KISS her partner. Most people who are still having romantic love feelings, want to kiss, cuddle, enjoy each other in a way that differs from the affection they use on a family member, or a friend, etc.
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
There ar people on here and that I know of that would have sex if they were around their partner physically, but as they have an LDR, the relationship is built on different things to build closeness. Obviously I wasn't addressing your experience sourgirl, judging by your response.
Actually I was speaking in general terms. I don`t think (juding by the OP, who is the POINT here.) they can all be looped together. It`s a stretch.

Edit to Add : almost 4 pm, so you will have to argue this out, without me, I gotta fly.

the OP is angry at herself for not feeling something,...think about it.

Last edited by SourGirl; 12-20-2010 at 10:55 PM.
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:59 PM
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@Sourgirl - I did not insert words into your response that aren't there.

perhaps your own definition of romantic love could be defined... the OP was talking about physical intimacy... you mentioned sex in your response to RP and then followed it by stating to the OP that if her definition of a partner was based in romance then she was doing her fiance no favours...

she stated categorically that she is very in love with her fiance just, without any physical attraction at all, that the physical intimacy 'feels wrong'...

to me, that simply means their relationship needs new definitions, not that he isnt a partner nor that she isn't partner material for him... it could be quite liberating if she can get over her sense of loss for intimacy and can find a new way for her to show that intimacy to him
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Old 12-20-2010, 11:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
@Sourgirl - I did not insert words into your response that aren't there.

perhaps your own definition of romantic love could be defined... the OP was talking about physical intimacy... you mentioned sex in your response to RP and then followed it by stating to the OP that if her definition of a partner was based in romance then she was doing her fiance no favours...

she stated categorically that she is very in love with her fiance just, without any physical attraction at all, that the physical intimacy 'feels wrong'...

to me, that simply means their relationship needs new definitions, not that he isnt a partner nor that she isn't partner material for him... it could be quite liberating if she can get over her sense of loss for intimacy and can find a new way for her to show that intimacy to him
This is a good point, but what I think SG was trying to infer is that if any intimacy between the OP and this man feels wrong, even KISSING, then maybe her feelings of love for this man are not romantic, but platonic. I have very deep feelings of love for many women in my life who I could not possibly stomach the idea of kissing - my mother would be the obvious example, but this extends to good friends as well.
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