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  #21  
Old 03-08-2011, 07:55 AM
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If she has a partner already that is female and wants kids. I wonder if they or she just wants a sperm donor. He is all in NRE over her and she is NREing over the fact that she seems to be well on her way to having a baby with him. I would wonder if when she is pregnant if she will end it with him. Having accomplished what she came for.

Could be, or what others say, cowgirl.

Sorry you are going through this. I hope you continue to address your needs in this and remind him its only been two monthes. He doesn't know her yet and they are making babies? NRE lasts up to two years! There is no way he could know what she will be like as a mother or someone to live with. He need to find out what she is like as a person just living her life first. That doesn't happen until the NRE wears off.

Perhaps he should come here and read up on NRE.
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  #22  
Old 03-08-2011, 06:27 PM
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Oh dear, this is appalling. Yes, they better slow the f down.

Moving her in after 2 months is silly enough. Knocking her up and bringing a new person into the world after such a short period would be bad enough if he were single. Doing that knowing you've got a bit of baby fever yourself makes it worse. Not knowing her well enough, and about her relationship with her female SO also makes it even more sketchy.

I know you are afraid of losing him, but this behavior and lack of forethought can not be tolerated. If you're the only rational adult in this situation presently it is up to you to insist he put on the brakes and do some serious thinking, evaluating and communication with both her and you. Sounds like he's got a bit of a mid-life crisis going on... a man in his 40s feeling all twitterpated and flattered to be desired by a woman in her 20s.
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  #23  
Old 03-08-2011, 06:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Sounds like he's got a bit of a mid-life crisis going on... a man in his 40s feeling all twitterpated and flattered to be desired by a woman in her 20s.
Great point! I'm suspicious of this whole situation. I know I am one sided but I can't help but think this new woman is gunning for a husband or a sperm donor as Redpepper mentioned.
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  #24  
Old 03-08-2011, 07:08 PM
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Axlfreak - trust your instincts, if this feels like it is going to explode beyond repair, request that they put on the brakes and the two of you get some professional help NOW. It may all work out, eventually, but your needs seem to be falling by the wayside, all the while he is being reckless with his new girlfriend. I would highly suggest getting an STD test done on yourself and insist that the both of them do so as well.

The baby thing: Have you told your husband that you DO want babies? He may have changed his mind, but is still under the impression that you don't really want any for yourself, for the same reason you think he didn't want any.

Last edited by SNeacail; 03-08-2011 at 07:11 PM.
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  #25  
Old 03-08-2011, 10:55 PM
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i definately agree with the possibility of a midlife crisis. however how does one navigate that? you can't just tell someone they're having one. just like teenagers, if you tell them what it is, and how to get through it, it only pushes them deeper in. if it is a midlife crisis, he will come out of it. the question is just will it be in time?

i agree whole heartedly that this is not the time to bring a child in, hers or mine, when we don't really know what we're doing. and i like her, and i want to trust her but i had already thought all the things you all are suggesting. i just don't know what feelings to trust.

i am going to take the most obvious advice though. i'm going to talk to my husband and tell him i feel they are moving too quickly. too quickly for me, and too quickly for them. i am also going to say that i think they should hold off on trying for kids until we've lived together. at least then we have an idea of what's going on. even if it doesn't work out so well for me. and as much as i want to be the one to have his kids, i am not getting pregnant in this situation. it's just not healthy for anyone.

thanks again for all your honest replies.

oh also, SNeacail, he does know that i want babies too, but i think he's having trouble trusting that considering the timing. and i get that. all i can do is be consistant and hope he can see it.
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  #26  
Old 03-09-2011, 02:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by axlfreak View Post
oh also, SNeacail, he does know that i want babies too, but i think he's having trouble trusting that considering the timing. and i get that. all i can do is be consistant and hope he can see it.
HE's having trouble trusting YOU changing your mind about wanting babies considering the timing??!! WTF??!! What about HIM being able to trust HIMSELF changing HIS mind about wanting babies considering the timing, e.g. just 2 months into a relationship with a new gf???

Also let's face the facts related to STDs/testing. If there's been two pregnancy scares when using condoms for birth control....there's been a risk of STD transmission at least two times, too!

Last edited by dragonflysky; 03-09-2011 at 02:19 AM.
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  #27  
Old 03-09-2011, 03:28 AM
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Originally Posted by axlfreak View Post
i am also going to say that i think they should hold off on trying for kids until we've lived together.
Is she moving in soon? I have a live in boyfriend that moved in in the fall after 18 months. It took a long time to get through the NRE, the adjustment of someone so huge in our lives, for us and our families... no small thing. I would suggest waiting for a good long time before even thinking of talking about living together. Especially with this baby thing going on.

There are some great threads on "moving" if you do a tag search. You can have a look at my blog too from the fall... say September 2010 to December 2010...? We had a long drawn out process that resulted in happy domestic bliss. Not that you are like us at all, but we certainly learned some stuff along the way that might help...

Sounds like you are ready to have a good talk. Good for you. Hope it works out.
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  #28  
Old 03-09-2011, 06:15 AM
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I have to agree with what everyone else has said and add this:

Awhile back, when things were really good with all of us, Karma had made a comment about Cricket wanting children one day. This reall hurt me b/c for all of our yrs together he has been anti-child. I had pushed aside my want to be a mom b/c of this. Suddenly it was on the table because one day in the very distant future Cricket would want to be a mom. When I told Karma how this bothered me he said one of the most beautiful things he has ever said to me. " you are my wife, and if one day I choose to have children, nothing would make me happier than to have you be the mother of them. I make you this promise, I will not consider having children with anyone, until we have had them together. And you will be 100% okay with me having children with Cricket before that happens."

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm saying it to put things in perspective. I think he is rushing things. And I think if he comitted to being your husband, then he comited to having a family with you before anyone else. I really hope he wakes up to what this is doing to you before it causes more issues that can't be taken back. Just my thoughts on things.
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  #29  
Old 03-09-2011, 06:46 AM
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thank you Mohegan, and i'm really happy for you there. ^.^ this is almost verbatim what i would like to hear from R. but he is ready for kids right now. and he feels that at his age he doesn't have much time to lose, and K is ready right now. so he thinks those things together make it time. i just don't. and when he asks me about kids, i have to honestly say the we, all of us together in this situation, aren't ready. and he seems to see that as me saying i'm not ready. and here is K..being ready... what i plan to talk to him about is if he's waited this long, he's in his 40s, he can wait another year or two to make sure things are right between us all, or at least right between he and whoever the mother will be.

i thank you so very very much Mohegan, i really value your perspective as it seems so very similar to mine. (wow that was a lot of "very's")
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  #30  
Old 03-09-2011, 07:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by axlfreak View Post
he feels that at his age he doesn't have much time to lose, and K is ready right now. so he thinks those things together make it time. i just don't. and when he asks me about kids, i have to honestly say the we, all of us together in this situation, aren't ready. and he seems to see that as me saying i'm not ready. and here is K..being ready... what i plan to talk to him about is if he's waited this long, he's in his 40s, he can wait another year or two to make sure things are right between us all, or at least right between he and whoever the mother will be.
Ugh. Have you two spoken together about finances and how that would work? Insurance? If he gets insurance from his job, she likely can't be on his plan, so does she have her own or will you guys be expected to buy more insurance separately for her? Whose income foots what bills? Will she work, too? Live with you full-time? If your husband expected to support her and her child (if they have one), will he still be able to continue supporting his relationship with you in the same way that he has financially? What happens if medical problems occur, with the pregnancy, birth, or with the child? Do you work? How will you protect your income and your interests? Have you two sat down and done the bookkeeping and projected what it will cost to you both to have not one but two additions to your household? And what if she has twins?

In addition to that, have you met anyone in her family yet? Do you really know who she is and what she's after? What's her history? And her credit history? Do a background check - at least. Does she have a lot of debt? If she does, will she continue being responsible for it or does she want help with that? If she works, what will she do about her bills and debts when she has to take leave for pregnancy? Does she get paid leave at her job? Will you be expected to babysit when she goes back to work? If she decides to be a stay-at-home mom, can you and your husband handle the extra expenses of two more mouths to feed without any added income? And could you handle having her at home all the time?

Has any of the above been discussed?

Just because he's starting to feel that age is a factor and if he wants kids he better do it now, that is a lousy reason to have children. The only reason should be that you earnestly and truly want to bring a human being in the world to nurture and raise with love, to take responsibility for their health and emotional well-being, and to prepare that child for becoming a good and productive person in the world who will give back and not be dependent on you forever. Satisfying an urge isn't enough.

It is a huge responsibility to bring a life into this world. The fact that neither of you wanted to do this before speaks volumes of how much you understood that, as well as the risks and rewards. It is suspicious that she comes into the picture and suddenly he wants kids, and now you do too. It's like she has worked voodoo on you both.

I think when you talk to him, in addition to telling him to wait a few years before fathering any children (your logic is very sound on that!), you might want to suggest that he also take a break from seeing her for a while, perhaps a few months, until you both feel your relationship is strong enough for adding another, and if and when you have all "child-rearing" talks done down to the last little detail. If they truly have a relationship that is strong enough for them to consider creating a new life, it should be strong enough to survive keeping it in his pants for a while and focusing on YOU and his relationship with you. Then he can see if his feelings for her or for getting her pregnant has changed after some time apart. Not too much to ask, in my opinion.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-09-2011 at 08:06 AM.
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