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Old 09-07-2009, 06:52 PM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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Default My wife's insecurtiy

The other night at work I get a call from my wife. She was in tears. She had called her friend to see if she could hang out with her. The husband answered and said they were at the hospital because she was in labor. My wife called me because she thought the had forgotten about her or didn't want her there (her friend has always wanted her there for her birth). I had to pretty much yell through the phone before she would listen, telling her that even if she was the second thing on their mind, it would be a distant second because the baby would be the first, as it should be.

After work she wanted to go to the hospital to be with her. I work in a kitchen, and bleach and several other chemicals are used to clean the kitchen when closing down. Not wanting those on me or smelling like them if I was going to be around a newborn, I went home to quickly shower and change. When I wasn't at the hospital within 10 minuted of getting off of work, I get a call from my wife. She is furious with me. She said that I forgot about her and don't care about her, and I should stay home, and she hangs up. I have to call her a few times before she answers, and eventually have to yell before she will listen so I can explain.

I get to the hospital and a few hours later the baby is born without problem, and the new parents are very happy.

We get home, and shortly after my wife lays down, she starts writhing in pain. When she gets stressed the muscles in her back tense up. She got herself so stressed that her muscles tightened up to the point where her back was spasming uncontrollably. I held her until she relaxed enough where it stopped, and we both fell asleep due to exhaustion.

Later I asked her why she thought I would forget about her. Her answer was is that she thinks I still hate her and don't love her because of when she was cheating on me. I told her the fact that I stayed and worked things out with her despite all the things she had shows that I love her. She then said she feels that I don't love her like I did before. I told her that I did, and that I even trust her like I did before (both truthful). But she is still insecure.

Suggestions on what I should do?
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Old 09-07-2009, 07:58 PM
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I've no idea. Sorry for your trouble. I just went back and read your posts and it seems consistent with what you've said about your wife- not communicating, taking frustration out on whoever is closest- hopefully the conversations you will have with your wife about this situation will help you to get closer to clear communication with one another.
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Old 09-07-2009, 08:14 PM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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The thing is we've been having the conversations for years, and she is still having trouble communicating. She is better than she once was.

This was her first severe outburst in a long time. It just kind of hurts that even though I was there for her no matter how much she was hurting me, she will still think that I'd forget about her.
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Old 09-07-2009, 09:39 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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It sounds as if your wife is the one who has not gotten over the cheating, not you. She seems to still be feeling guilt and projecting it on you. If SHE still doesn't like herself and hasn't forgiven herself how could YOU possibly have? To a point, I understand her perspective. I cheated on my husband a couple of years ago. It was only some kissing, but it was before poly came into the picture and it was dishonesty. I still feel guilty and break down about it at times, though he has forgiven me. But I did learn not to project my feelings onto him over time and with counseling. It is really the only thing I can offer here. Time and perhaps counseling.
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Old 09-07-2009, 10:36 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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I have a few questions- you said you're both 23- how long have you been married? Been together? (you said you'd been talking about it for years..)

In any case, you seem to be trying very hard to make her happy but as XYZ said, she has to both love herself and get to a place of acceptance along with a desire to improve your communication and avoid needlessly painful situations.

When I was 23 I totally had my head up my ass- so good for you for pursuing the finer points of love! Good luck, and give it time.
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Old 09-08-2009, 12:13 AM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
I have a few questions- you said you're both 23- how long have you been married? Been together? (you said you'd been talking about it for years..)
We've been together for 4 years, married 1.
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Old 09-08-2009, 06:47 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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I am so sorry, DarkHorse, that you and your wife are struggling with this. Good for you, though, that you are standing fast and willing to work through it!

If she's so stressed out by these feelings of insecurity, guilt and self-doubt (self-hatred?), that she has uncontrollable physical spasms, it is time to call in some professional assistance. May I suggest first a visit to an MD for a short-term prescription to help ease the syptoms until a licensed counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can be found to help y'all work this through.

You don't have to go through this alone.
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Old 09-08-2009, 07:00 AM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
I am so sorry, DarkHorse, that you and your wife are struggling with this. Good for you, though, that you are standing fast and willing to work through it!

If she's so stressed out by these feelings of insecurity, guilt and self-doubt (self-hatred?), that she has uncontrollable physical spasms, it is time to call in some professional assistance. May I suggest first a visit to an MD for a short-term prescription to help ease the syptoms until a licensed counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can be found to help y'all work this through.

You don't have to go through this alone.
This was the first time she's been in physical pain due to stress. It was the first time this particular set of circumstance has happened. Fear of her friend rejecting her, around a very annoying 12 year old, around a 58 year old that won't stop hitting on her, worry about her friend, hungry, extreme fatigue, and the fact I wasn't able to be there the whole time with her because I was at work.

I do think I might have to take her to a psychologist. And I've talked to her, and you guys were right on the money, she hasn't forgiven herself.
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Old 09-09-2009, 05:21 AM
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Wowzers. She sounds like a drama queen. I'm sure you love her dearly but geesh, a bit self centered and a bit of princess no? You are a patient man. I'd be long gone.

Careful that you don't play into the whole thing too much. You do have YOU to think about. It's not okay for her to think that you exist for her benefit. What kind of quality of life will you have....

My parents have a similar dynamic and it has gone on my whole life. Frankly I'm absolutely sick of it. My Dad is a wonderful, rational, heart felt, grounded and always positive man. He has stood by my mum's side for years and years and put up with her whining, negativity, and blow ups when things don't go her way. He has sacrificed a lot to see her happy. He thinks he can make her happy and that she will be happy. I told him recently (because of the big blow out we just had ... see the thread on that if you want details... "redpepper needing support") that she never will as she has never works on her misery.

She has never had counseling or had any medication. Not that I am a big fan of medications, but she comes from a long line of depressed women (something I am fighting tooth and nail not to become!) and could use the boost with lots of counseling to get anywhere. She is in her 60's now and it has been their dynamic way too long I fear. I can't imagine they would know what to do with themselves if they actually changed and grew!

You are still both young. You can make those changes before it becomes a well trodden path. My husband says it's like cross country skiing (we live in Canada, can you tell?) you travel on a ski path often enough it becomes well established and worn. It becomes comfortable and easy to ski on. If the path is a good one then this is a good thing. If it is a path that isn't healthy then it is very hard to break the edge of it and ski in a new direction... still. It is possible.
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Old 09-09-2009, 05:21 PM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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Its the first time she has been that bad in a long time. She rarely approaches that bad anymore. It used to be I'd just take it, but after her cheating I won't put up with anything too big or too stupid. Before that we had talked about it a lot. She is learning, just slowly.
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