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  #11  
Old 03-07-2011, 05:40 AM
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The more I read here, and the more I meet poly people at poly gatherings, the more I have learned that there are all kinds of configurations possible. There can be more than three people in a poly "network" and it can be closed. Safer sex is always an issue, but my point was that there are lots of different options and it will depend on the people involved.

The OP was afraid that a "third" would be watching on the sidelines as someone who can't fully participate in the main relationship. Sure, that happens, but I was just trying to say that you could (and might prefer to) get involved with someone who is more independent and has another person or other people in her life where she wouldn't be that focused on the OP's husband and wanting a larger commitment. If they found someone like that, that person's primary wouldn't necessarily want to be involved with any OSO she has. That's not a given. That is not to say that the OP and her husband would look for a swinger or something open, but there are any number of potential relationship dynamics.

I got the sense that the OP's husband wants a Vee. I'm not sure they want a Triad.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-07-2011 at 05:46 AM.
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  #12  
Old 03-07-2011, 06:46 AM
SirLurksAlot SirLurksAlot is offline
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Ahh, sorry, my fault. I was projecting my own search into this to much. Re-reading the OP's post, it does seem she's a heterosexual woman. Funny enough this goes right back to the point of the huge amount of variety that you can get in these relationships.

From that, to keep on the thread of the topic and to further my own understanding, what is the glue that would keep a vee together?

If you were to treat it in my view and promote fidelity (poly-f: thank you for the new term compared to an open relationship?

Is this possible? Are most/all closed tri's bi or can they be vees?

A tri is appealing to me in that each person is getting the maximum number of "benefits" from the other two, thus leaving to room for discord or complaints. It also allows for the option that if one worked or such the other two would be just as comfortable. For my situation I have a sharply different schedule then my wife. The idea of a tri works perfectly that while I'm gone the two can be comfortable, happy and safe, and while either of them are gone the us two remaining can be comfortable, happy and safe.

Granted, a vee could have the same benefits, provided friendship were an adequate substitute for intimacy in the relationship. Essentially they both have the same application in MY personal lifestyle, I would just be happier with the tri for whatever reason.


Taking the focus off of the OP's husband seems like a good idea. As they're new to this it would be a nice way to work into something real. Allowing them to become comfortable and establish boundaries and what's good/bad. If the third doesn't work out they would have the knowledge and comfort base to find something more personal and dedicated if it was wanted.

When I read the couple-third-couple I must admit I thought of the BDSM scene It does seem like a possibility though, Not for myself. I enjoy the intimacy and closeness of a relationship to much. It seems that if someone had another couple or partner then it would detract from that special little... thing. I don't even know what to call it but it's certainly there.
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  #13  
Old 03-07-2011, 07:10 AM
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@SirLurksAlot- I am surprised by your name as it seems to me that your lurking has not brought up some language for you to use, let alone the understanding that poly is not all triads in a poly-fi situation. Sure, a unicorn in a triad with a couple is the usual sought after poly dream for a new couple coming from a monogamous mind set into poly, but it is by far the usual end result... the end result is quite often a tribe or constellation of people all networking and loving together. Safe sex is crucial as is the honesty that comes with it.

I suggest you do some searching around here... tag search for "triad," "vee," "unicorn." Start your own thread if you have questions or a story to tell... there is much to find of interest on here

@mintygum- I also suggest reading some blogs. Like mine for instance I have a husband, a live in boyfriend, a girlfriend and another boyfriend... There are plenty of other threads that will give you a ton of info on how people describe their poly and how their lives have morphed and changed over time...

The idea is to let it all go and see where life takes you... some ideas at first are good, some boundaries are good too, but fluidity is so important, as is an open mind. If you expect safety and trust that people in your tribe will be true to what they say then, I believe, you shall create that. If you find that a person isn't being up front, then either they need to change, or they have to be let go...

Getting a name for oneself as being dishonest in poly land means people just won't want to date you or that you will have to move on entirely from the community that you have. I doubt anyone that is close in a poly community or hopes to be would be willing to lie about the safety of their sex life. Of course this speaking from a city with a smaller community. I don't know about elsewhere.

As to possible partners for your man... I agree with nycindie, why not a married woman, a woman with kids already, a woman that is uninterested in children, has a life of her own and possible other partners... This is the usual anyway and a good thing too, you can live the married dream and he can have a woman that also has her dream also. Makes sense to me.
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  #14  
Old 03-07-2011, 07:21 AM
SirLurksAlot SirLurksAlot is offline
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I appologize for the misleading name. I am in fact fairly new to the forum. The name was ment in the connotation that I don't often post or chat. I tend to lurk more then anything, mumbleing my own comments under my breath

I had done quite a bit of research awhile ago, but It was at least a year or more. Be this new terminology or online lingo i'll have to study up on it so I can actually be a competent participant in the discussion.

I appologize as well for hijacking the thread. Not my intention.
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  #15  
Old 03-07-2011, 07:25 AM
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To Sir and the OP, here's a good place to start:

Glossary and Definitions

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  #16  
Old 03-07-2011, 04:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
To Sir and the OP, here's a good place to start:

Glossary and Definitions

excellent idea
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  #17  
Old 03-07-2011, 09:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SirLurksAlot View Post
Granted, a vee could have the same benefits, provided friendship were an adequate substitute for intimacy in the relationship. Essentially they both have the same application in MY personal lifestyle, I would just be happier with the tri for whatever reason.
Real friendship the way I do it can be a lot more satisfying than a sexual relationship. Sometimes, when love is perfect, there is no tension, not enough for great sex anyway. Read more under 'lesbian bed-death' .

Quote:
Originally Posted by SirLurksAlot View Post
When I read the couple-third-couple I must admit I thought of the BDSM scene
I'm not in the scene, but beginning vanilla couples looking for an unicorn abound in poly circles. It's not that hard to get into an hourglass formation quite accidentally, because the couples-looking/unicorns ratio is so skewed.
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  #18  
Old 03-08-2011, 05:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SirLurksAlot View Post
From that, to keep on the thread of the topic and to further my own understanding, what is the glue that would keep a vee together?
Our poly family is a .... weird.

We're a closed Quad in terms of "family". That means, that there are four of us who live here as the adults of the family (although our oldest child IS an adult now and does remain living here). We are the "parents" so to speak of the family.

However, in terms of sex-we're a V. I am sexually involved with my husband and my boyfriend. My sister is not sexually involved with any of us. Both men are STRAIGHT.
In our "V", we are mostly closed "poly-fi" with the option for Maca to find another woman who could at some point be added. So he dates at times, but in terms of sex, there hasn't been another since last August. She remains a FWB in terms of the endearment, lovey dovey, friendship, kissing, hugging. But they haven't been sexually involved since August...

What "keeps it together" is that we're a family. We have kids we're raising, a home to keep up, an affection and friendship between all of us.... we're a team.
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  #19  
Old 03-09-2011, 04:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MintyGum View Post
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm waiting for him to "grow out of it." Does that even happen? Is this a phase that men can grow out of?

-Sad & Disillusioned

Yes, people can happily be monogamous, after poly encounters. It is not always a case of ; 'Once you go poly, you can never go back.'
You can in essence be 'bi' .... monogamous or poly.

Much like anything with poly and open relationships, there are various ways of feeling about it. Some people see it as a choice, some people see it as a identity, and so on.

My husband and I, while in good relationships outside of ourselves currently, could be happily monogamous as well. We don`t 'need' poly (in fact we only identify as in a open relationship, but for arguments sake, we`ll call it poly here.),..it is not a machine that guides us.

When you ask specifically about him 'growing out of it'......you can`t wish that on someone. People generally know if it is something they feel they can`t live without, or if its something they feel they can ' take-it or leave-it.'
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