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  #1  
Old 03-05-2011, 04:47 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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Default wife wants me to drop other woman..just be friends

After an emotional affair where I almost left my wife I discovered polyamory. I have struggled trying to explain it to my wife and she is just not approving of it.

I think I must end the "relationship" with this other person and just be friends. It's just too difficult not being able to express my love and it isn't fair to the other woman. I just don't see how to be just friends. I find myself questioning which love is stronger. Entertaining thoughts of being with just the other woman. I don't want to break up her marriage though.

So how do stop the way I feel? Can I "just" be friends or am I just postponing the inevitable. What happens when one day we are alone and we can't control our feelings? Will we do something we regret? or maybe don't. or do I push this more with my wife and risk losing her?

Last edited by poobah123; 03-05-2011 at 04:51 AM. Reason: confusion
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Old 03-05-2011, 05:24 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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I, personally, would just say "hey, this is who I am, take it or leave it."
Possibly you could in a more thought out and less harsh way, but that would be the basic message of it. If you're not happy with only one person, you shouldn't have to stay with only one. Your own happiness is the most important. Those who don't agree with you and your polyamory are free to go find someone else.
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Old 03-05-2011, 05:35 AM
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I think you need to slow down and really get introspective here. Your post is a little frantic...

Take the time you need to figure out what you want ideally... then figure out if what you want is something you are capable of doing... keep your wife involved in what you are doing, if she can't handle your self-discoveries she will let you know and a choice will be made - on no account should that choice involve someone external to your and your wife's relationship.

If this woman is right for you and it is ment to be - then the relationship will survive the self discovery you need to do. This woman should also be on her own journey (given you said she was married and being in a relationship with you would break up that marriage)...

Please do the work on yourself before you do anything - read my thread... I do understand
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
What happens when one day we are alone and we can't control our feelings? Will we do something we regret? or maybe don't. or do I push this more with my wife and risk losing her?
Oh geez. It's called self-control. Though you may not be able to control your feelings, you can monitor them and rein them in. You absolutely can control your behavior. Don't use feelings as an excuse to make poor decisions in your actions. Why do guys always think they're going to be at the mercy of their dicks? If you can use thoughts and imagery to get off, you can do the same to keep it in your pants.

It seems you're feeling sorry for yourself now because you can't have your way. Honor the relationship and commitment you have with your wife, keep communicating, and go slowly here. It may very well be that you will have to let go of this other woman, in order for your relationship with your wife to heal and become stronger, or strong enough to embrace a poly situation. Just don't be disrespectful of what you already have.

If you're afraid of breaking up the other woman's marriage, I take that to mean that she was also emotionally cheating on her husband and he is not approving of her being polyamorous either? Or has she even told him? There're a lot of factors here that need consideration, too many potential broken hearts, and none of this can be taken lightly nor handled without thought and caring.
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Old 03-05-2011, 07:49 PM
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I feel for you. I am experiencing something similar in my life... mono partner that is not interested in and does not have to capacity to be able to stick around if I am to live to my fullest potential in poly.

I have made a choice to honour him and what we have and dull my nature down. I am willing to do this to see how my love expands with him, not with another man I love.

I was not convinced for some time that I should have to make a choice between men, and put myself in a situation where my mono partner considered my actions to be those of a cheater... I was heart broken, as I didn't think so... but that doesn't matter, I broke our agreement and I needed to own that and find a better path.

It is VERY easy to jeopardise ones ability to "not touch" by putting yourself in situations where it "could" happen.... "could" eventually becomes "will" for me... so I will avoid it. You know your own nature... you decide what would be a situation that you could cheat in and avoid avoid avoid. Cheating is not the answer as far as I am concerned... do a tag search and see what the results have been for those who have cheated. Quite often they are grim.

As to whether this is worth it? To me it is, but then I have an amazing relationship with my mono man and I have a lot to lose without him in my life, far more than what I would gain if I were to add another man... not only that, but the situation has brought us closer together and we are better as a unit because of what happened and who we are in our natures...

Ask yourself if this partner is worth being with... what are the pros and cons? what is to be gained by leaving? what is to be gained by staying? Do the math and then start moving forward.
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Old 03-05-2011, 08:03 PM
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This sounds all to parallel to what my husband and I have just went through.....you should read my posts titled, "No Longer Feel Good" and "Stay and Grow, or run for the Hills"....if you want to know my background.

Have you imagined how she must be feeling, you just told her your were having an affair She is going through pain....wow so much pain. I am sure she is angry, hurt, confused, scared. I am sure she is dealing with a roller coaster of emotions I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.

Ask yourself...."Do you want your marriage?" "Do you want your wife?" "Do you want your family?" these questions are important....

Leaving to be with another woman through betrayal is usually a bad choice....not saying that leaving is, but leave solely for that reason can definitely be bad.

If you are poly....how do you know you won't end up in the same situation with this new person? Plus your judgement of your wife is clouded now....while your wife knew nothing of this other woman, "did the other woman know about your wife?" If she did, then she had an unfair advantage....any woman will put their very best forward in hopes to outshine the wife....but that best foot is not all of who they are....these mistresses have flaws too....you just have yet to see them..... your comparison of your marriage to your relationship with your other may not be genuine and accurate....

Give your wife time....to digest what you have been doing behind her back FIRST.....do talk about what you need, but wow.....she has a lot to go through.

If this other woman can give you a poly relationship, then she will understand and accept regressing for some period of time....

I am in real mourning over the loss of the monogamy me and my husband had. I have been going through this transition (the addition of his mistress) for 7-8 weeks.....my husband has reduced his other relationship to a friendship in order to re-build our connection and foundation for a healthy future in poly....with me as his foundational partner (his primary).....my husband accepts that our re-connect period and growth could mean to loss of his mistress turned metamour.....but he decided that hew wants me to be his primary....his foundation. We both know there will always be a metamour, so I have accepted our poly....

Do you want your wife to be your primary?

Please don't think I am saying he is a saint ), and you aren't (he has made horrible mistakes through our journey.....or take anything I say as negative towards you. I am only trying to help you see my perspective (being on the other side of something very similar).

Do NOT leave your wife on an impulse to keep your other woman.....if you leave it should be about you and her and your relationship by itself. Would you leave if the other woman didn't or hadn't became your lover? That should be your question....


I hope this helps

Last edited by Mahogany; 03-05-2011 at 08:12 PM.
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Old 03-05-2011, 08:48 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Ask yourself if this partner is worth being with... what are the pros and cons? what is to be gained by leaving? what is to be gained by staying? Do the math and then start moving forward.
Thanks RP. I needed to read this today.
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Old 03-05-2011, 09:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
the situation has brought us closer together and we are better as a unit because of what happened and who we are in our natures...
I have seen this in my own life and a good number of others here. We all make mistakes, sometime those mistakes are nearly catastrophic, sometimes they are small little things that lead up to the catastrophic.

I see it like a cinder block wall. It can stand firm for years, but over time seemingly small things can erode away at the entire structure. Water, erosion, tree roots, etc. will slowly eat away at the morter holding it together until one day a portion of it crumbles. Now there is this gapping hole in the wall and the enitre thing is unsafe and in danger of collapsing.

Unfortunately when we start the repairs, we may have to chip away even more brick and morter than originally thought until we find undamaged pieces. This is incredibly hard when we can't see the end result and all we see is a big mess with a hole that is getting bigger. Eventually, we can start laying the new concrete foundation, we can put in the new bricks and even add proper rebarb supports that weren't there in the first place and even more concrete. While we are at it, we beef up the rest of the wall that didn't come down. Now we have a wall that is much much stronger than the original was when it was new.
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Old 03-05-2011, 11:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I see it like a cinder block wall. It can stand firm for years, but over time seemingly small things can erode away at the entire structure. Water, erosion, tree roots, etc. will slowly eat away at the mortar holding it together until one day a portion of it crumbles. Now there is this gaping hole in the wall and the entire thing is unsafe and in danger of collapsing.

Unfortunately when we start the repairs, we may have to chip away even more brick and mortar than originally thought until we find undamaged pieces. This is incredibly hard when we can't see the end result and all we see is a big mess with a hole that is getting bigger. Eventually, we can start laying the new concrete foundation, we can put in the new bricks and even add proper rebar supports that weren't there in the first place and even more concrete. While we are at it, we beef up the rest of the wall that didn't come down. Now we have a wall that is much much stronger than the original was when it was new.
I believe in this kind of constant rebirth and rebuilding. It is endlessly exciting to think about what can be laid down over years.

Thank you for walking me through this metaphor, it was lovely.
-R
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