The inevitable thirdness of being the third

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by foxflame88

Just want to offer hugs and moral support.

I've been in your exact position, so I know what it's like to have the feelings you are experiencing... and feeling somewhat "helpless" while the established couple figure out what it is they want. In my situation, they made it clear that no matter what, THEY came before WE. My opinions would never matter as much as theirs... Therefore, it was easy for me to walk away from the relationship.

That sucks! What's keeping me around is that they've both been very open and generous about regards for my feelings. But perhaps sometimes the best of intentions aren't enough to overcome some obstacles. It still remains to be seen, I guess....

We're all talking now and I feel less adrift than I did this weekend, but am still keenly feeling the flaws in the design of being third.

[sweetie]

I've been where you are, and have felt the same feelings. But here is what I've learned. If I feel like the third, it's because I put myself there.

My partners have been married for almost 30 years. There is a dynamic between them that I'm not apart of. It might be a look, or a validation to a past event, or something as simple as finishing each others sentence. I can't change that, but neither can they. If we dwell on what we can't change, we don't pay attention to what we can.

Does it hurt when there is silence. Absolutely. Do you feel like it might have been the wrong decision for you? Absolutely. It is worth fighting for to find out? Oh Absolutely.

I've lived through the silence. I've also lived through the anger when I refused to accept silence. It is a new relationship. Everyone is trying to figure it out. The unfortunate part is because they have a longstanding relationship, we think they are supposed to have it all worked out. It rarely works that way. Everyone is unique. Our feelings are not the same, the way we react is not the same.

The hurt is real. But if you are truly a part of this relationship. Then you voice your opinion. You can't wait for someone else to make the decisions for you. You have to be a part of the decisions.

Let your g/f have time to collect her thoughts. Respect her right to get it together, but no one should control your actions or feelings. You alone are responsible for that.

I hope it works out for you. I really hope you all figure out a way to make it the best experience you've ever had.

[Ceoli]

To be clear:

1) I have not expected them to have everything worked out and I knew that we would be facing some uncertain times when feelings started getting more serious.

2) I have been very clear about my feelings in this and am not holding anyone else responsible for them but me. I have never apologized for my feelings in this or with them and never feel that I should sit on them or hide them to protect anyone else.

3) I do not feel controlled by the situation. I see the limitations of my position as she deals with this and as I give her the space she needs to deal with this, but I do not feel controlled.

4) I posted this not because I feel lost or because I feel things are coming to an end, but because I feel that many couples that want to bring a third into their relationship don't understand the perspective of the third when issues arise. Sometimes small things can have a larger effect and reveal the vulnerableness of that position.

[NeonKaos]

Ceoli, I totally groove on what you've been saying.

[redpepper]

Ceoli, I get it more now, thanks for clarifying. Poor you, that last post was clear... heehee, I guess really we (I am taking the liberty to speak for others here, hope that is okay) just want to be sure you are okay and taken care of. It sounds like, while it hurts, it's all growing pains and you are all working it out. Hope this weekend fairs better.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by sweetie

The unfortunate part is because they have a longstanding relationship, we think they are supposed to have it all worked out. It rarely works that way. .

I have been very fortunate in this. Redpepper and her husband sort of went through a new age of discovery last year. I would not have survived a week of the work and adventures they had..... my mono brain would have melted down LOL! I am glad to have met her towards the end of her search. I came along at a good time indeed.

[Ceoli]

Thanks, Redpepper I guess I also just posted it to be heard. I do appreciate all of the perspectives being offered.

It's just a nice feeling to be heard, ya know?

[redpepper]

Yes, it is nice to be heard sometimes. Could you let us know when you just want to be heard... I wouldn't of gone off on you if I had known. I can see now that you have a handle on the situation and that you are feeling hurt and just sharing... sorry for stepping on your poly feet

[Ceoli]

No worries! And the caring is appreciated! Generally, I'll just ask for advice when I'm looking for advice.

[Karelia]

Ceoli,

Thank you for sharing this because it gives me insight to what my (our) GF might feel when I'm insecure. Or really, more along the lines of what she felt early on after moving in when I was crazy from medication and all of my insecurities were magnified by like 1000.

Sweetie said something that caught my eye: "The unfortunate part is because they have a longstanding relationship, we think they are supposed to have it all worked out. It rarely works that way. Everyone is unique. Our feelings are not the same, the way we react is not the same."

This made me think of one thing that definitely I did not expect, and it's something my husband doesn't really see/feel. I obviously knew things would change by adding a third, but I don't necessarily know that I expected those changes to be so... crystallized. For example, when we first met in person, he told me he wasn't crazy about her kissing style. He loved to kiss her, but preferred how I kissed. What was interesting about this is that SHE told us we kissed "the same." Well, I guess after 10 years together, that's not so shocking... but what has evolved since is that he and I have observed, independently of each other, that we both kiss each other differently now.

That realization was significant for me. It showed me just what sort of very real, and sometimes tangible impact blending a third will have on our existing relationship. It sort of threw me for a loop, and scared me a little - at least at first. I thought, if something like that could change so dramatically, and so quickly, what else might change?

I share this only because when these thoughts were in my head, and I felt shaky as a result of that, I definitely withdrew a little. I was also acutely aware that she would not leave with either of us - this was a promise she made us, and he would never leave our marriage. He does not break promises, and marriage is the ultimate promise to him. So, when I was struggling, I kept thinking of all she'd given up and all she had to lose if I couldn't handle the whole triad thing after all. I was the one who wanted this... and if I took the two of them away from each other, it would've killed me, because I love them both, and I know they love each other. If I couldn't get my head in order and get a grip, and I cost them one another, and she lost everything as a result, that would've been devastating. Beyond that, I worried that my husband might stay in the marriage and never forgive me... I don't think he'd do that on purpose. Quite the contrary, I believe he'd try to forgive me... but I'm not sure he ever could, especially since I started all of this, and I wanted it. Not that he doesn't, too... but he didn't initiate it, he wasn't the one to dream it into something bigger than a virtual fling. I was.

All I am saying is that, hopefully, she is aware of your position even if she can't feel what you are feeling. I have definitely been very aware of my gf's position as our third... and still, reading your personal perspective is definitely enlightening and helpful. And now I must be a sap and go tell her I love her.