Stay and grow, or run for the hills????

[Penny]

Limerence, loneliness, fear, and desperation can lead us into making horrible mistakes, the like of which fills us with shame. On that level, I can sympathize with your metamour's position...

People are capable of change, and forgiveness is a transforming virtue.

That being said, though, I'd personally trust her about as far as I could spit a rat, and I doubt (though I can't say for certain) that I'd suffer her presence in my life in any capacity.

Really, you are the only person who can make that call. You were treated with outrageous callousness, but you also have something you feel is worth hanging on to.

I am a big fan of poly, and I think it's a wonderful lifestyle. But no one should have it foisted on them unwillingly. That feels almost like a form of rape to me, and it makes me sick to think about it.

[Penny]

Meanwhile, my husband Thumper says that forgiveness is over-rated. I will not repeat his opinion of your husband, who is, after all, the one who had a personal responsibility towards you and his children.

I suspect you are redirecting some of the rage you should be feeling for your husband onto his girlfriend because it is too painful and scary to feel it toward him. That's just my opinion, if I'm wrong don't give it another thought.

[redpepper]

Yes, she is a cowgirl, if what you hear she has said is true. I would wonder then how much of you is competitive and refusing to dump him so she doesn't get him rather than realizing that you are finished with him? May be worth looking at at some point.

I think if I were in your situation I would think long and hard about my future and that of my babies. I would look at my finances, where I stand with child care and options there in, whether or not I could function by myself or where I could get help. I would consider what it might be like to find a man that is willing and excited about being a daddy figure in terms of being mono and staying in my life as such and then decide to move towards those goals.

Chances are that this "could" end. You "could" be alone and looking after your kids by yourself, at least part or most of the time.

Rationally and with some realism, all emotions aside, what do you need to do to make your life the way YOU need it to be. Him aside, just you. What can you do to raise your trust level in men/people, what can you do to become empowered, what can you do to raise your feelings of self worth and worth to others? Then act.

Even if this works out, you likely will be glad you did. You will be stronger in knowing that you have yourself to rely on, no one else.... them be damned. You have your own power within you to stand on your own two feet and show yourself, the world, and most of all your kids what it means to be a confident, proud and amazing woman.

[Mahogany]

Yes, she is a cowgirl, if what you hear she has said is true. I would wonder then how much of you is competitive and refusing to dump him so she doesn't get him rather than realizing that you are finished with him? May be worth looking at at some point

Good point, I have felt this way at times....I ultimately love him with all my being ( I do know that to be truth). But wow, so true
Redpepper....

[Mahogany]

Meanwhile, my husband Thumper says that forgiveness is over-rated.

I like that, we are always expected to forgive.....but somtimes peoples actions are beyond that....

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Mahogany

I like that, we are always expected to forgive.....but somtimes peoples actions are beyond that....

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the person you are forgiving. Anyone who "expects" forgiveness is way off target.

[Mahogany]

Man, Neokoas....you have just taught me a world-life lessons...

[NeonKaos]

You still don't HAVE to forgive them. But it's about what YOU need, not what THEY need.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not forgiving, as long as you're not festering in unhealthiness over it.

[Mahogany]

I agree

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by Mahogany

She has asked him things...."Who does he love more?" and things along those lines...."Who is he going to choose to be with?" etc.....

He has explained to her that he will not be a part of her household the way she needs and that she needs to date in hopes to find her own primary....but she tells me she cannot do it, because she is mono and her heart is with him

How is her being our metamour alone going to be enough for her???? How is she going to get what she needs????? This bothers me too.

Good morning to you, too! (it's late night in here)

Chances are, she won't get what she needs, your situation will not be enough for her, and she will keep on pestering until your husband either leaves her or leaves you. All the three of you have a major paradigm shift in front of you if you are going to make this work.

For me, poly isn't about me. It's about us. Like an extended family with a twist. It's me, you, my partners, your partners, our partners. Kids and pets go first. Then partners in the order they have been added to the bundle. Old before the new. I could never be in a situation where my metamour couldn't stand me, it would feel as traumatic as fighting with my siblings over the inheritance of our parents. When kids fight over the broken china of their parents, it's not about broken china, it's about who did Mummy and Daddy love the most. This is like your situation with your metamour. Things will only worsen until both of you realize love is measured in quality, not in quantity, and decide if you are okay with that.

It sounds like he loves you and is in love with her. The situation can't be helped. She seems to think that he being in love with her means he no longer loves you, or loves you less than he does her. This is not true, if he truly is poly. Either you weather this bit of NRE out, or you don't. The same goes for her. I'm not mono so I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for two mono ladies to love a poly man. I can only offer you my deepest sympathy.