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Old 03-09-2011, 09:47 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, I get that, but... not being a parent, I really didn't know how to comment on that. ........
Even if you were just venting, I felt concern for you and the possibility of your anger clouding rational judgment. I also thought about your wife and wondered if her behavior was a cry for help. People in pain can do such strange things.

I thought I would let others here, who are parents and more experienced in dealing with helping a child get through hard times be the ones to speak specifically to the issues surrounding your daughter. I didn't mean to sound like that wasn't also something I was concerned about. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this right now.
Nycindie-you really have a great heart. I just wanted to say that to you.

Dinged-I do know about melatonin, they use it a lot for people with ADD (to try and avoid using sleeping pills) and EVERYONE in our family is ADD.

It does HELP-but it won't stop your mind from going a mile a minute. It works best if you take it, immediately lay down in bed, close your eyes, focus on relaxing your body (some people do it from toes, feet, ankles, legs etc), and concentrating on your breathing. I say that because otherwise-your mind will continue to race and it can't stop that.

Another thing that may help (no guarantees of course) is if you can get in some heavy cardio activity a little earlier in the day. I don't know how you are healing up from your injuries-that may make that impossible. But-if you can do it, it tends to help, if not the first day, after 2-3 days.

With the ADD (which keeps your mind going a mile a minute all of the time anyway) they advise an hour of heavy cardio every 4-6 hours (during wake time), sticking really strictly to a healthy diet with dinner falling 3-4 hours before bed, going to bed (and getting up) at the same time every day no matter what, using a methodical "bedtime routine" that creates a quiet and relaxing atmosphere for an hour or so before bed and NEVER using your bed for anything but sleep.... if you are using the melatonin, adding that right at the end...

Wishing you the BEST of luck! (FYI-that whole mind focusing thing takes a little practice. It's a little hard to do the first few times ESPECIALLY if you are trying to do it under duress, which you would be)
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Old 03-09-2011, 10:33 PM
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I don't know what the emails say, but I do know you were uncomfortable with him coming to your work and that she said she was bored at a water park. This may be way off, but what if this man is not only a dom/master, but a cowboy too. Maybe he widdled away at your wife's will to be with her family until it was out of control? It sounds like he has been working her, working with her for awhile. It sounds like she was used to using you and being controlled by him. Where is he in all this? Any news on that? Where is she at now? She isn't working?

I agree with LR. Hold those kids tight. Especially your girl. Let her cry, yell, sit there. Just hold her whenever you can and listen and reflect back. Not taking sides, just letting her talk through it.

Your boy likely knows more than you think. He is probably hurting just by watching you two. Be near him, give him time and patience to ask questions. Tell him you are there for him also. Tell him that you two "men" need to be strong and supportive of your girl. Boys love to know they are in on the man stuff. Especially protecting family members.
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Old 03-10-2011, 04:45 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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LR ..

Thanks for the sleep info...going to give it a try.

I have to admit the story of your daughter crying after her father abandoned her made me tear up and become emotional....hope I don't turn into an emotional basket case at the sight ...or even the thought of a little girl crying.



I was just very surprised because they just showed up....no warning...now it could be looked at as some sort of power play....or maybe that's over thinking it.

I think my gut was signaling me something was wrong all a long...but because of all the complex emotions surrounding this I didn't hear the message.

Don't really have a judgment on his intentions or if he should be considered a cowboy....I have a vague understanding of the term.

"Where is he in all this" Great question. My first contact with him was on Tuesday I called him....no answer left message.

Background: Sat 6:30am had breakfast with good friend and lawyer started planning response. By noon had more or less a team of people and a direction.

Mon.... met with members of said team ...discussed plan. The team is the friend/lawyer, an investigator and a off duty cop who works in cyber crime... I hired him as a computer expert/ consultant . "The plan" to secure any and all pictures, video, emails from fuck boy. The debate was how to do this. The lawyer naturally wanted to use the threat of legal action....which made sense and had merit. I came up with the idea of using his dominance against him. Which everyone thought was genius....unless they're all suck ups. The plan was for me to act beaten...use a low tone of voice..body language of being submissive...harder to do than I thought... .express how I was distraught and trying to protect my poor wife's image and knowing these "things were secured and destroyed it would help all of us get on with healing. I was to offer to buy his computer and or replace it with new nicer one. The lawyer drafted a couple pages to support plan.

Tue ...called to start plan ....he called back few hrs later. The acting was much easier on the phone. Sold him on the idea and arranged for meeting at my business on Wed evening.

Wed ... Afternoon made my first phone call to sister in law to find out wife's condition as to have a knowledge base to give credibility. Plus I don't know what he knows or what his involvement has been. The decided line was " I'm trying to keep the kids calm and I needed a little break to process what had happen"...if questioned why I hadn't had more contact. 4:30 team arrived cop brought another cop to help with my acting....acting coach so to speak....The lack of sleep actually really helped in this.
7:30 ....he showed up and we had very little small talk....he asked how I was holding up and said this was tough on everyone...had a hard time not to react....started sweating....I introduced my computer expert and told him he would transfer all his stuff back on to a new computer and handle the destruction of the material that shouldn't seen by children.
8:15 or so he and I left and went to Best Buy I bought him new computer ...returned to office to have data transfer....9:45 I shook his hand and thanked him you what he had done. 10:30 was at a bar with team laughing and celebrating.... Home at 11:15 haven't had any alcohol since this happened didn't think it smart then either....stomach hasn't been right from the start of this.
Today the computer is being worked on and the dvd's and external drive are being gone over. Status expected early next week.

Wife's status nervous breakdown.... never really knew what that meant....is on medical leave or something. Was hospitalized for 2 days. Living with her sister....Her sister is a widow for several years now her to daughters are grown and gone...she recently bought a very large townhouse. Her husband had battled a brain tumor for 12-13yrs so she is very familiar with the care giving role. Her sister told me that my said she wanted or needed to talk to me...however with my up coming mission I didn't want to do it then....I told her I had an important meeting and I didn't want to become emotional before it...not really a lie. I filled her in on the kids status and expressed my gratitude for her help.

P.S. Is there any way to correct the grammar in the heading ....every time I see it ....it drives me crazy.

Now everyone here will see what I mean about his head on a pike.
Thanks D
Old 03-11-2011, 06:34 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Wow...all I can say is wow.

Seriously dh, you can take this for what it's worth or ignore it, whatever, your choice...this is just one man's opinion.

I understand you're upset, hurting, angry, and maybe a few terms stronger than that...but I think you seriously need to stop, suck back and reload! Your last post does not sound like the actions of a rational and reasonable person. It sounds like you really need to get a good night's sleep, and take some time to get control of yourself.

In all the discussion about your kids, I'm more worried about them now than when this thread first started. Your daughter saw something that she shouldn't, granted. It's upset her, and we can carry on talking about the damage done, and the mothers culpability in that.
What concerns me is that your actions and apparent state of mind won't do anything to help them. My fear is that while their mother may have damaged them, their father may destroy them.

If they don't have their mother at a time like this, they need a father. An adult, in control, and steady. A stable platform on which to ride the chaos around them. By you're writing it sounds like you yourself are a tempest of biblical proportions, and while woe that may be to 'fuck boy', it won't help your kids weather this.

Just one view...but please take a moment to stop, try to separate yourself from the emotions and think with a clear and rational mind.
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Old 03-11-2011, 06:52 PM
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I have a female friend who approached her husband's cheating the same way. She was methodical and in control. She used the evidenced gathered from his computer as a trump card if he tried to push for custody rights or any type of support. I respect a well laid out attack and overkill in some situations but is this really one? Unless laws have been broken is this really necessary my friend? You are in control...you've won for lack of a better word. There is a lot to be said for compassion and mercy. No one knows how you feel...no one. Be strong...focus on healing.

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Old 03-11-2011, 07:15 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Imaginaryillusion ...thanks for the reply

I can see where it may look like I'm irrational and I admit I've had plenty of irrational thoughts...I have a very specific goal or goals. That elaborate operation to secure the remaining materials had a purpose and it was not about revenge. I have surrounded myself with people I trust to prevent stupid irrational behavior on my part. I have not discussed any of this with my children or in front of them or have had any communications that they might stumble on to ....emails or texts.

Good night sleep seems impossible. My body seems to shut down for an hour or two then I'm snapped awake....don't really get it..I do agree with you and would love to be able to have that.

You could be right not "completely" rational and in this regard I'm not sure what would be considered reasonable. I don't think those 2 should be expecting me to be reasonable. So I will concede I might not be reasonable, but I think I'm rational.

I don't know if you have children? But you are grossly understating it. "saw something she shouldn't and now she's upset"..... Upset can't really be used in this. My mother died recently and they were close and yes she was upset. This is factors bigger (X). It has been suggested that it would have been less traumatic if my wife had died in some accident or the loss of another family member.

As I just reread that.... I'm not suggesting anyone should die I'm just relaying what the professionals are saying.

I think this is the law of unintended consequences at it's worst. Fuck boy and asswhore made hundreds of decisions which they thought were good, "reasonable" or low risk. Now they have to live with the consequences. They chose what to email each other....they chose the words, subject, disrespect. they chose to record this on video and still photos ...they chose to send x rated materials via the internet... they chose to store said material on computers.

I don't think any of this is biblical in it's scope. I haven't done anything to either of them.

I could hurt him beyond his wildest dreams... I could show his family, his kids...all older..one out of college one in college one in high school ...would never do that...plus they may know.... we have located his parents....his mother may look at him a little different after that....bad assumption his parents might be into this. Who knows his father may beat,whip, tie up and call his mother a cum slut/ asswhore. It may be learned...past down to the next generation. I've played golf at charity event with his boss not a friend but more than an acquaintance ....I could share with his friends and neighbors....again all may know and be involved on some level who knows.

I feel helpless. There is a feeling to do something... to share the pain... right now fuck boy hasn't really suffered much. He lost his playmate for a few days or week or two. He may have a little guilt but I didn't get the sense he was suffering....he looks like he sleeping just fine. Why should I be walking around like a fucking red eyed zombie and fuckboy's sleeping like a baby. Somethings wrong with that picture don't you think. I 'd like to put fuck boy and cum slut in a room with my daughter and let them answer every and all questions....they should get a little taste of this pain and confusion. Not to mention I'd love to hear the answers myself...maybe throw in a few questions of my own. Lets put the photo's up on the wall or have the dvd available too.

He never apologized for his role in this and approached it as if it was an unfortunate accident. He said lots of stupid things in my opinion. Which isn't helping him or her.

I agree with you 100% my kids need stable platform and I'm trying extremely hard to provide what ever is needed to accomplish that. I am planning to take them on an extended spring break trip... on clum slut and fuck boy's tab. I'm thinking ski trip to Switzerland. Not kidding.

I'm continually surprise by the comments thinking I could destroy my kids lives....how ...in what way... I'm still functioning at work. At home ... Make the meals... help with homework, get them to there things appointments.

Thank you for your concern and I have been mindful of what you said.

Thank Redpepper or whoever corrected the heading...should of asked the first day.

What do I tell friends and neighbors ??? newest problem
Old 03-11-2011, 07:41 PM
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Dinged, I know it may seem totally out of line and utterly ridiculous for me to talk about compassion, and I do not in any way mean to make light of any of what's happened but think about this: it is possible he may have been abusing your wife (like Joel Steinberg abused Hedda Nussbaum) and she could see no other way of getting out of it than to get caught. The fact that she is now recovering from a nervous breakdown could signal something like that.

There is so much rage you have for both of them, and I am not sure if it's only about the emails and pictures. I think you are just plain disgusted by what they were doing. It could be that some of it was posed for the camera, and that some of the emails were just some kind of sextalk without any truth to it. It is important that you find out for sure what was going on. You might need to talk to your wife, get clear on things, before you do anything. Especially try not to do anything rashly. If it was all consensual, what can you do anyway, other than have him arrested for distributing porn? The boyfriend can say you knew about him, which you did. If he was abusing her and controlling her in a way she could not feel able to get free from, that is another matter altogether.

All I'm saying is to slow down, breathe, find some peace before taking action against anyone. Focus on the kids, see if you can remember the wife you fell in love with, she is still in there somewhere. Stop calling her those nasty names. Taking legal action for revenge could hurt your kids, too - it could all come out in the local news and that would be devastating to them. Pray, meditate, see a counselor FOR YOURSELF.

Compassion, compassion, compassion... for yourself, your children AND your wife.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-11-2011 at 08:07 PM.
Old 03-11-2011, 07:44 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Thank you very much mono,

our posting crossed....maybe I've explained already... Yes you are the right track follow that legal tack out a step or two.

Trust me I didn't need to see anymore evidence and have not looked at any of it...not the least bit interested... the team was/is looking for something specific.

Yes no laws have been violated....Yet.

Well if I won I'd like to know how .....or how score is being kept. I think this is a lose lose lose lose thing.

I Did look at a new bright yellow fatboy though.

That should in itself prove my metal stability...or maybe not.

Thanks again D
Old 03-11-2011, 07:54 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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DH, your anger is really, really scary.

Do you really think that hurting others is going to alleviate your own pain, or your daughter's? Didn't you learn in kindergarten how two wrongs don't make a right?

They were pushing the edges with their photographs. Ever hear of Andy Warhol? Perspective, man! It really wasn't about you. Of course I don't expect you to see that....

I'm sorry for your pain, I really, really am, but your contempt is so extreme, I can't see anything good coming out of this until you find a loving place in your heart again. You are sharing your pain and rage on this forum; I think you are brave for voicing it and we are all trying to understand where you're coming from. But I can't help but feel terrible for your wife who you promised to love and honor and now you are calling her names (taken out of context -- because the context in which she was using them was not the same as the way you are using them here). She made mistakes but she does not deserve to be hated. Strictly my opinion; I hope you'll agree that I have a right to it.
Old 03-11-2011, 08:41 PM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Getting some good sleep is really important - It will maximise your capacity to deal with things in front of you and will assist you to remain rational.

I went through a fairly traumatic event a few years back...I had weeks and weeks of poor sleep and panic attacks. The lack of sleep meant I was barely functioning at a time when I needed all my wits about me.

I ended up talking to my GP to get some help to sleep. I'd never taken sleeping tablets before, and I haven't since. But I did for a few days...They helped re-set my sleep patterns and helped me catch up on some much needed sleep. I could function again. I felt like a new person.

My ability to deal with what was going on increased. I felt in control again.

At that point in time, I had very little control over much of what was going on...but a few good nights sleep put me back in a position where at least I had control over maximising my capacity to deal & cope with a set of extremely stressful events.

Sleep deprivation is nasty - It won't be helping you at all...and could be one of the things you can be pro-active about.

Could you talk to your doc for some advice on this ? Even it's it's just a short term solution to get you re-set...
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