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  #101  
Old 03-16-2011, 08:28 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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BDSM isn't what has damaged your wife.

Your wife's poor (even perhaps reprehensible) choices and significant negligence are what has damaged your wife.

As others have suggested, maybe there was abuse in the relationship with the bf, maybe not. The specific acts you have described are potentially within the realm of safe, sane, consentual BDSM. Heck, I know several online stores, and a couple brick-and-mortar shops, where one can easily purchase the hook you describe. I can think of three different types off the top of my head, even. I wouldn't mind having one.

I'll grant, calling someone asswhore or such things isn't my cup of tea, but some folks like it.

I don't advise showing photos to the mother not because there's anything wrong with BDSM (there isn't), but because it would be hurtful and shaming to show ANY photo of your wife in ANY sex act to her mother. Do you think blowjobs are sick and wrong? When your daughter is an adult, will she want her husband showing YOU a photo of her giving him a blowjob?

Shaming someone who is suicidally depressed is a Very Bad Idea, if you want them not to commit suicide.

Of course, I think your wife was quite stupid to allow such photos to be taken, anyway. And even more stupid to keep them around. And, of course, distressingly negligent in leaving access to them.

I think it would behoove you to read and re-read NeonChaos' recent posts, as objectively as you can. There's some harsh truth for you.
  #102  
Old 03-16-2011, 08:32 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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neonkaos ,

I didn't mean you changed your position... I was talking in general

Yes the thread started out as something else and then things melted down.

Trying not to fixate on the bdsm aspect but it is a component of this. You maybe right and my head may be up my ass not going to argue that to hard, I'll try to work on that...

I'll pay for what ever I have to.....I was just saying should I feel obligated...and how is it wrong for saying his slave his bill/ you broke it you bought it.

I thought of my marriage vows before I got marriage.. I just thought of them again after our marriage had shifted....not unreasonable I don't think.
And its not unreasonable to think about now either. I didn't ask you that to upset you just didn't remember who said it.

Agree 100% my marriage not poly... dysfunctional.....right on the mark

I'm not looking for family crisis intervention here if that is the impression I apologize.
  #103  
Old 03-16-2011, 08:37 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Oh, and them mentioning or talking about you in the emails? Deplorable, perhaps. Definitely tasteless, unkind, thoughtless, cruel....

But it's not the fault of BDSM that they did that, it's the fault of your wife and her bf, and their shitty judgement. Don't blame BDSM. Blame your wife, and blame her bf.

I agree with whoever said this ISN'T polyamory, this is DYSFUNCTION. Stop fixating on what they did in bed. Focus on how they've wronged you, and the damage done to your wife's relationship with her daughter. There's been plenty enough of it.
  #104  
Old 03-16-2011, 08:39 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Sorry for posting at the same time. I'm glad you took what Neon said to heart.
  #105  
Old 03-16-2011, 09:53 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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ViableAlterantive

I'm unsure as to how you think I'm blaming bdsm for any of this.....I think I said repeatedly I blame them for being stupid ...go back I know I did. I know I said have fun do what you want to yourself and or partners....don't care... I'm not telling anyone here what not to do except perhaps suggesting not to expose their children to it.

I have a problem with two individuals not the kink community. And lets not forget this was dropped on me I didn't go looking for a moral discussion on kink. If I had wanted to I could have done that months ago.

What is that hook thing called??? Should be fun to see who gets picked to go buy it....who will and who and will refuse.

Thanks got to go D
  #106  
Old 03-16-2011, 11:19 PM
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Hey, what's up with the "paying" comments? Marriage is a legal partnership, not ownership (regardless of the role playing your wife was doing), and the money is 50/50, so anything "you" pay for (including her physical therapy, or psychiatric treatment, regardless of what caused her need) was still coming out of a marital pool of money/benefits, was it not? I mean, was her name not on the checking account? Did you have some big prenuptual agreement stating that all the money was to remain separate?

Sorry to be defensive here, but the old views of "the man is the one who makes the money," well those are just old fashioned and sexist, and DH you strike me as slightly more enlightened than that.
  #107  
Old 03-16-2011, 11:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
ViableAlterantive

I'm unsure as to how you think I'm blaming bdsm for any of this.....I think I said repeatedly I blame them for being stupid ...go back I know I did. I know I said have fun do what you want to yourself and or partners....don't care... I'm not telling anyone here what not to do except perhaps suggesting not to expose their children to it.

I have a problem with two individuals not the kink community. And lets not forget this was dropped on me I didn't go looking for a moral discussion on kink. If I had wanted to I could have done that months ago.

What is that hook thing called??? Should be fun to see who gets picked to go buy it....who will and who and will refuse.

Thanks got to go D
Dinged, everything you say up until a certain point seems to indicate that you genuinely trying not to judge her for the BDSM she was involved with... and I feel hopeful for you UNTIL you say, "What is that hook thing called??? Should be fun to see who gets picked to go buy it....who will and who and will refuse. " which is so vindictive and scary and totally as far away from trying to having an open mind as you possibly could be. I can almost hear an evil laugh coming out of your remarks like that. It is so-o-o not funny. I still say your anger is misplaced. I do understand it, though, because this is a heartbreaking situation, but I hope that your anger doesn't eat away at you. After focusing on your kids, it seems you are preoccupied with what they did in the bedroom. Hopefully that need will subside and you will be able to look more at how she mismanaged her relationship with you and the family.

All these venomous feelings you have toward her might come back to bite you in the ass, as resentments usually do. Have you spoken to your therapist, to help you deal with this? Because from what you write here, you're trying to handle things for your daughter and son but not quite helping yourself to heal from it. I know it's beyond difficult for anyone of us to imagine what you and your family is going through, and I do have compassion for that. I also hope you understand that this kind of talk about revenge and shaming your wife is quite indicative of how much you are hurting. However, you've been told she is suicidal! How will you feel if she takes her own life? It seems that everyone is hurting here and I hope you can try to separate the issues to be able to see more clearly the person underneath her behaviors.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-17-2011 at 07:59 AM.
  #108  
Old 03-17-2011, 05:36 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I really think that to a large degree, this conversation is lacking communication.

Dinged-what I hear you saying is that you are emotionally spent, trying to hold everything together to deal with the kids who are emotionally traumatized (at least one of them), minimize damages for them and struggling to find the energy to deal with the job of helping your wife-who created this disaster.

I think that's perfectly reasonable and love/marriage or not, it's not your job to prioritize her over the kids-imho. The kids are your first responsibility and you've taken that on admirably.

BDSM activities can be healthy.
Abuse can look a LOT like BDSM activities and unfortunately only the "players" know for sure.
As you've said several times, you really have no idea. Maybe she was a willing participant, maybe she got herself into something she didn't know was going to fuck her up. I don't know either.

BUT-I think you are doing the right thing by venting your emotions somewhere the kids aren't and by prioritizing their care.


As for dealing with the kids-you didn't ask me but I have 2 cents based on experience.

I have a 19 yo girl, her father and I split when she was a baby.
15yo stepson, his mom is a crack addict and alcoholic (in recovery at the moment, April 9th will be 1 year).
11 yo son with Maca-he's a dream, parents... poly and into some BDSM.
3yo daughter w/Maca-bio child of GG, parents poly and into BDSM & GG is my slave.

I don't keep photos of anything questionable (including "vanilla" sex). Maca and GG do. They have their own laptops that they keep that shit on, it's not in "internetville".

BUT-if my kids encountered anything at all in photo, word or action (they have walked in on me during sex with one or the other guy)... I would deal honestly and up front with them, explain what was going on to the degree that they inquired and reassure them that it in no way impacts THEM or THEIR safety.

YOU can't do that-cause you haven't a clue what the hell was going on-if I were stuck explaining to my kids something I didn't know-I'd be stuck much as you are with "I love you, I don't know, I'm sorry you're hurting." Because, that would be the honest answer.


As for keeping secrets from my kids. I don't do it. I was upfront with my daughter that the reason she couldn't see her dad except supervised with her grandparents or me, was because he was irresponsible, drinking and partying and it was dangerous for her. That i loved her, I knew she loved him adn that was ok, but it was not ok for me to be neglectful by allowing her to be in situations I knew were dangerous-even with someone she loved.

I was upfront with my stepson the same way, your mom is on crack (skipped the whore part, he figured that out on his own) and she's a drunk. She drives while she's drunk and high, that's dangerous and it's not reasonable to allow you to be in that environment.
BUT-
WHEN she went to rehab-I was the ONLY ONE who stood by her and supported her. She made a choice to change and I was all for it-for his sake. But I never glossed over the b.s. before that. Including being up front with him that she tried to kidnap my daughter twice, that she was filing bogus paperwork accusing me of b.s. I wasn't doing, that she was exposing him to people who were abusive etc.

My younger son-knows all of the above about his siblings other parents. He also knows their other parents.

All of the kids have been told honestly and openly everything about our situation, dynamic etc, except the details of our sex lives-which they have no interest in. They ARE aware that I am sexually involved with both men, but details-that's just gross to them. Which is FINE by me.

But-if one of them asked me "do you do xyz" I'd answer honestly.

I don't believe that keeping the truth from a child is a good idea, especially when that truth is that their other parent is NOT OK. It's possible to be honest about that and still be compassionate and supportive of them loving that parent. We all fail to meet perfection, chidlren do NOT need to be allowed to believe that their parents are perfect. They can learn that it's ok to love their parent AND that their parent REALLY FUCKED UP.

If it were me, I certainly wouldn't badmouth your wife, but I wouldn't undermine your daughter's self-esteem by telling her it was all ok either. REGARDLESS of whether or not the BDSM was consensual-it was NOT ok that she let it get to the point where her child had access to that shit.

I have participated in activities that were painful (not like you describe and I do NOT do humiliation) but tehre is NO WAY I would do that or record it in a fashion that there was a RISK of my kids accessing it. Not done when they are here, NOT RECORDED in writing, picture or video etc. Not acceptable.

When you have kids-you lose privileges, it's part of the responsbiility of being a parent.

Ok-that was a rant from hell. Sorry D. I'm still thinking of you!
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  #109  
Old 03-17-2011, 06:26 AM
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@Carma- at some point Dinged said that she makes good money, but isn't interested in spending it on anything... he pays for everything, even though he has asked for their to be more of a balance. Something along those lines... that was a while back... I don't know if I got that right, just going by memory.

This is what I am getting from this thread
  • she hurt her child when the pictures she was in were carelessly put away on the computer.
  • she hurt her child and dinged doesn't know what to do
  • She is a dirty cumslut and he is a fuckdog (or something along those lines anyway... my personal fav was asswhore btw )
  • They have not said anything useful
  • She is a mess and hiding 200 miles away
  • Dinged is doing his best to put the pieces back together but doesn't know the first thing about BDSM and doesn't care to
  • There is a "team" on board to sort this out legally.

I still haven't seen any posts on whether or not this was BDSM or abuse, whether or not any progression to understanding BDSM has been made in order to reassure the kids, or what this man has to say for himself... have you asked him or her what their version of what went on is? If this were me I would ask that first, judge later. Finding out the truth would be my first place to start if I wanted to console my child. How to console a child that doesn't understand something I also don't understand would make me want to at least try to understand so that I might be able to offer a constructive answer as to "why" those pictures occurred... I would want to do this so as to move on from the content of the pictures so as to help my daughter heal.

This being said, I have no emotional attachment to your wife dinged... I have no feelings of her and have had none. I can see where it would be hard to separate ones feelings from what has happened... not only has this happened, but I would think you feel betrayed and extremely hurt and deceived as to who your wife really is. I think I would have so many questions for her and be in such a place of anger I would find it near impossible to ask them. I can see why coming on here and calling her names would be a step towards asking those questions...

I am wondering if and when you will start researching what the hell a person would want a hook in their ass and names written on the side of them for. I would want to know what others in the kind community have said to their kids and what others have done about such "accidents" I gave you a link, others have told you a bit about BDSM... It might really help to pay attention at some point to what its about... first it might be helpful to see if that is what was going on and not an abuse situation.
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  #110  
Old 03-17-2011, 06:29 AM
angelsndevils angelsndevils is offline
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I just want let LR know..I totally agree with how you explained everything. I have been coming back to read all these post and see whats new.

Ding..your whole story breaks my heart...it really does.

And to the rest of you...I do understand some of the revenge factor..at least for me I can't find peace among myself if I don't get to at least once say what I truely feel about something...no do I carry on like a raging moron...no...but I need the sarcastic revenge to break the ice of my anger to even begin the healing/empathy/sympothy phase...thats just me...I am not sure thats how he is. Like him and that hook...see I laugh when I read that cause if I was in his shoes...I would buy one and mail it to her( not right away as she is in no state emotionally but soon) and say something like..so when do I get to use this on you...followed by the select words he had spewed...and then a week later send a note saying okay my anger is done and that I would really like to figure this out...for better or worse we have kids together..we need to come to common ground. And then my disclaimer would be...I am sincerely sorry for the sarcastic letter a week before but I need to release my anger and I felt since you were the one I was angry at...you got it.
Maybe I am wrong maybe I am sick but thats truely how I deal with anger...never do I get physical nor will I ever!
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