Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-03-2011, 02:37 PM
lovemultiplied lovemultiplied is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: sunny san diego
Posts: 30
Default

Yes, thank you!!

I think it was the fact that she was so new to the concept of actually being in a poly relationship (which, as we all know, is far different than just "dating around") and was already making comments to my husband about not wanting to share him and about having a hard time dealing with when he's at home (as opposed to on the road for work, which he is monday-friday) because he talked to her far less... (and there were a few things, that i won't get into, that really started their relationship on the wrong foot with me)... so the more I read the responses, I realize that I think it was more a case of her being single and not quite fully on-board with the poly lifestyle as opposed to her simply being "single" if that makes sense....

I appreciate the honesty and all the responses so far. We don't relaly have a lot of friends who are poly, so this site is going to be invaluable
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-20-2011, 05:11 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 496
Default

I have thought about this a lot on a theoretical level, but this topic made me think more about why it is that I have (had) certain preferences. It really all feels quite different now that I am in a poly situation, so that I actually see how it can work for me, not only how it can work in general.

I used to think that it would be more balanced to have my new partner be married as well. This happens to be the situation with my girlfriend, which I find nice. However, it seems that some of the reasons why I used to think that have disappeared now that I'm in the situation. I can see that there would still be many ways this could work even if she was single.

Now that I think about it, some of the reasons I find it relieving for my partner to have another partner have a lot to do with me. I am a people pleaser and it causes me anxiety if someone needs me a lot (whether it is a friend or a partner). This has sometimes caused problems in my relationship with my husband even when there has been nobody else involved. I think it actually has a lot more to do with me being anxious about having to let people down and to having to (and sometimes not being able to) say no than it has with the person needing too much from me. For example, what my husband has wanted from me has not been unreasonable, but since I haven't communicated that it has been too much for me at the time it has caused big difficulties. It is definitely interesting that once again the problem comes down to communication!

But I do think that I might overcome this if I got to the root of the problem, as it then wouldn't cause me as much stress when I have to express that I can't always be there for everybody when they might wish. I think this is something I should be analysing even in a mono relationship, but thanks to poly and this forum I begun to think about it more.

This does really seem to relate a lot to the idea of polyamory; that one person does not need to fill one's every need for the rest of their life. I find that idea really relieving. And it might help me to consider my own needs easier than before since I am ultimately not responsible for satisfying all the needs my partner has.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-20-2011, 05:56 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

Since becoming poly, I haven't formed a relationship with anyone who isn't already part of a couple. For me it's a matter of time constraints, not a matter of how much love I have to give. I spent many (9) years as an undergrad working full-time and going to school part-time or working part-time and going to school full-time. Wolf and our son, Yoda, got the short end of the stick attention-wise.

So while I love Wendigo, Pretty Lady, and Wolf equally, I just can't split my time equally between them and since Wendigo and PL also have a son, they understand because they're in the same place.

Wolf has attempted one relationship with a single woman; before our relationship evolved from open to poly; and it didn't end well. I was working 60 hrs a week and going to school 9 hours a week. Wolf was in NRE and tried to save her from a bad situation by moving her into our house, where she tried to take over being mother to our son (including planning to take him to a free carnival while I was at work and when I got called off work; telling me I couldn't go with them), convinced Wolf to stop taking his bi-polar meds, attempted to convince him that he wasn't actually bi-polar and that all his problems stemmed from being married to me..... it was the only time I've ever vetoed a relationship, but w/o his meds and in an extremely manic state he isn't capable of making rational decisions and our son's well being was at risk.

I have no preference with who he dates outside our quad, but I did ask for a boundary that he discuss all potential relationships w/ Wendigo and PL too; as any other relationships we form effect them too.

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 04-20-2011 at 05:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 04-20-2011, 06:55 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Squamish, BC
Posts: 790
Default

In all honesty - I thought my "ideal" would be for myself or my husband to date someone who was already married, or who already had a 'primary'.

The reality is - that unless the person you're dating is respectful of YOUR life - and you are respectful of THEIRS - there's going to be conflicts.

For instance... if I am with someone who has a sick kid - I fully expect that the sick kid has 100% of their attention until said kid is better. And if I am taking care of my sick kid - I fully expect that my 'other' partner understands that my kid comes first.

When the secondary or other partner doesn't respect that and insists on the same amount of time and attention regardless of what curveballs life has thrown at you - there's going to be a problem.

Now - I would still be more likely to date someone who has a life... but I would be sure to observe their life to see if our lives mesh before letting it get too far.
__________________
Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create


My Journey to Health and Fitness
My Journey as a Widow

Jane
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 04-20-2011, 08:17 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,268
Default

I'd say it TOTALLY depends on the personality of the person in question.

My boyfriend is mono to me.
But, he NEVER demands my time, ALWAYS respects the importance of my commitment to my husband, my kids, my siblings, parents etc.
EVEN THOUGH
that often means he gets so little time with me as to be negligable.

In fact, it's so rare that we ever go on a "date" that is just the two of us together that I can count them and remember each one in 10 years.

So-it REALLY depends on the person.

Sometimes I wish Maca's gf didn't have such a busy family life-because it makes it so hard to spend any time with her-even WITH the family around.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-22-2011, 07:55 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

I really really hope to establish a sexual primary relationship. Not because I feel that my current partners are not catering to my needs but because I feel I can an even better partner, friend and family member with a primary of my own.

This one girl I hope to do it with is single, and somewhat hesitant of getting into a LDR with a few people because of neediness and insecurity issues that plague such relationships. So I think if we could establish a relationship (primary or just any relationship), she would have the courage and emotional security to pursue other connections from a 'safe base' of having already one person who is available for her, lives in the same town and has time for her etc.

Hmm, what was my point exactly? Oh yes; primaries make better secondaries!
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 04-22-2011, 02:27 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovemultiplied View Post
My husbad and I have been having a debate and I wanted to put it out there....

When you're looking for other people to "date" or "form relationships with," do you feel that there's a difference between being with other people who have their own "primary" or are "stray singles" okay?
I suspect you'll find that there's more of a comfort level - and maybe even success record of secondaries that have their own primary relationship.

There's a couple obvious reasons for this that I think others have mentioned - or at least danced around.

1> There's less risk of the new secondary becoming too needy or demanding because they have their own lives to manage. Not that it can't happen but odds are more against it.

2> In situations where there are insecurities in the primary relationship, the idea that the secondary has their own primary seems to move the threat bar down a couple notches. If the secondary is single that ol competitive urge seems to surface more. Which is almost funny because in reality it's not any more likely to change the dynamic but our brain doesn't seem to get that

GS
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-01-2012, 02:52 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,235
Default

The title of this thread is focused on secondary relationships for a partnered couple. Since turnabout is fair play, I thought I'd share a comment from another forum which is from the singles' perspective. Obviously, the choice to date someone who is married doesn't have to apply only to a secondary relationship, but to any. This was part of a reply to a thread about the rules/guidelines that single polyfolk establish for themselves. I thought it an interesting comment:
I've found that one of the reasons I don't tend to do well dating partnered folk is that generally speaking, they give an *incredible* amount of lip service to their own autonomy, etc... but in the end, one of two things happens:

1. It turns out they're lying to their other partner(s) about some aspect of their relationship with me.

2. Their other partner(s) turn out to have a great deal more influence over them than they'd initially led me to believe.
Has anyone experienced either one of these issues mentioned above? Are there other solos/singles who are skittish about dating someone who is married? What are your reasons?

Upthread, I wrote that I feel there is too much potential drama in dating a married guy. I wrote that over a year ago, and I think I am more comfy with the idea now, but still cautious - basically because I'm wary of Reason #2 in what I quoted. What are your thoughts?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-01-2012, 03:38 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 536
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
The reality is - that unless the person you're dating is respectful of YOUR life - and you are respectful of THEIRS - there's going to be conflicts.
I think there's a lot of truth to this.

I've been seeing BF for 9 months and he said many times, in maybe the first 4-5 months, that the problems are rarely between someone from his lifestyle and a vanilla person, but between a single and a married person--for exactly the reason that the single person is often going to be left alone, feeling their needs for time and companionship are unmet.

So far, it's worked for us in part because I have a very busy life apart from him; in part because I understand I'm not going to get a full relationship from him and therefore I make God, myself, and my children MY primaries (the downside being, I have so far not allowed myself to feel as deeply, emotionally, as he does); and in part because to me, marriage IS sacrosanct. I would not dream of doing anything to dismiss or downplay his wife or marriage. To me, a marriage ALWAYS comes first, even if it's not me benefitting from that view.

That being said, there may be a time when our relationship doesn't work out because I understand a married man may one day not be able to meet all my needs. If/when that day comes, I'll walk away before I'll do anything that would harm their marriage. I wouldn't feel good about myself, anyway, if I managed to get more at someone else's expense.

Except for a few rare exceptions, I would think that would typically be the case, and why a relationship between married and single people has a shelf life.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-01-2012, 06:23 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,268
Default

It's been so long since I replied, my dynamic hasn't changed much. But, maybe my thoughts have?

I don't care one way or the other if they are single or married-per se.
I'm going to decide on an individual basis based upon how well our lives mesh.

But, I can say, that after surviving several different nightmare attempts at dating other women on my husbands part, I'm guarded in terms of people who are new to poly. The drama is exhausting.

IF I WERE SINGLE-I think I'd choose not to engage myself with married couples.

I definitely wouldn't engage myself with people who have children-if I didn't have children.

Again, these people may be great, but the drama.. exhausts me.

The more people who are responsible to other people involved, the more complicated the planning. And
the more likely that SOMEONE in the group is going to react negatively to someone else.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, negotiating, primary, secondary, veto

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:24 PM.