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Old 02-03-2011, 02:43 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Default sexless marriage

I was tempted to create a dummy account and post this question, but I just can't bring myself to do it. As incredibly awkward as I feel about this, I really need to hear some support and hopefully hear from people who are in a similar situation. (Private messages are totally fine, if that's more comfortable for anyone)

My husband and I don't have sex anymore. There have been attempts over the past few months that have left both of us upset and frustrated. I know that he wouldn't feel comfortable with me posting the more intimate details, but we'll just leave it at "sex is not happening".

Each of us has other partners that are very sexually fulfilling. We don't have children, nor do we intend to. We both agree that we love each other and are happy with the life we've built together in every other respect.

I'm full of so much doubt and uncertainty because I'm struggling to understand what we're "supposed" to do here. I know that sex doesn't define a marriage, but it does play a rather big part of it - particularly the initimacy of a relationship. We still talk openly about things, we are still each others best friend, we believe and trust in one another. We have grown rather comfortable with each other and I know that we can do more to appreciate each other, not take our relationship for granted. Part of me feels ok with continuing our relationship as is and removing this expectation of sex being a measure of the health of our relationship. My husband, on the other hand is really, really struggling with this, feeling very upset and frustrated. And let's not forget my boyfriend who seems a bit unnerved by all of this as well, like I will be looking to him to "fill the void" so to speak. It's not like he hasn't been already, but to really admit to him that the sex has all but dried up between hubby and I... My bf has always been so supportive of my marriage, it would concern him if things weren't going well for any reason.

I did read through some forum postings on the "importance of sex", I was getting overwhelmed with the volume of responses and different tangents.

I guess I'm looking for any and all responses here, whether they are "that's messed up" or "I'm in a similar dynamic and happy/miserable/etc". I just need to hear something please.
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Old 02-03-2011, 05:30 AM
slee46 slee46 is offline
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I am offering an ear if you want someone to just listen. .

Hugs,

Steve
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  #3  
Old 02-03-2011, 05:59 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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PN and I don't have a rockin sex life right now either. We haven't for awhile really... since before Mono came along. We have had several threesomes and some fun times in the past, but our sex life is more about cuddling and being naked together than anything else... we both get off in the end, but it is not the passion it used to be... its married sex I just put it down to that.

I know what you mean though by the concern. There was a three month period where we had NOTHING> I was terrified. There were some reasons for it however that I can't say here, but ultimately I was a bit scared.

I find that my hormones guide the way and I let nature do its thing. In nature women pick the men they want to make babies with and then gravitate to them until someone more worth making babies with comes along... I am in doubt to this ever being even between two or more men.

Bah, I just let it alone and love him for what we have. Sex in relationships isn't everything. As long as there is closeness in a persons life then the rest comes and goes I figure.

PN has no other lovers at the moment so I am very careful to hug/hold him everyday if nothing else. Its important to be close to someone every day. It sounds like the two of you have other partners at least. That means that you are both being taken care off with closeness. I would bet it comes around at some point.

These are just thoughts. I really have no idea if I am full of shit or not. I look forward to hearing other points of view on this one as I too would like some guidance.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-03-2011 at 06:03 AM.
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Old 02-03-2011, 07:19 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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There was a time when I wasn't sexual with Maca for years.

There've been many years when GG and I weren't.

I don't think that it has to be a "bad omen" for the relationship.

BUT-if one or the other of you is having negative emotions regarding it-then it would be a good idea to deal with those emotions. Not necessarily "fix the sex issue" but really acknowledge and work with the emotions themselves.

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Old 02-03-2011, 03:23 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Booklady,

I don't feel that sex is the defining characteristic of a wonderful relationship. I can easily see where two people in a long standing relationship could drift sexually apart because of their different needs/desires. I don't think this has any intrinsic meaning other than what you guys assign to it.
There's a lot of ways to fulfill the intimacy quotient that doesn't involve conventional sex/orgasm etc. Cuddling and closeness is always available.

On the other hand, there may be some "stuff" going on in the background that's not being talked about. That can certainly kill the sex drive. Trust issues ? Insecurities ?

You can choose to 'dig' for these things, or just accept the position you are in for a time and see what happens. Time exposes/solves many things.

You say you are both 'fulfilled' from other directions so the frustration element should be minimized. That always helps.

I say look at it as a curiosity and don't make a huge deal of it right now. See what happens over some time.

GS
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Old 02-03-2011, 09:30 PM
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I just have a few questions...

1. What are your ages?
2. How long have you been married.
3. How long have you both been with your other partners?
4. Did you both decide to be childfree? Is there pressure from family members to start having kids.
5. What amount of time do you spend with your other partners?

My wife and I went thru a similar period, but it turned out to be stress.
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Old 02-03-2011, 09:47 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jokutus View Post
I just have a few questions...

1. What are your ages?
2. How long have you been married.
3. How long have you both been with your other partners?
4. Did you both decide to be childfree? Is there pressure from family members to start having kids.
5. What amount of time do you spend with your other partners?

My wife and I went thru a similar period, but it turned out to be stress.
What was it about stress? I'm looking for relevance in terms of your questions.
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Old 02-04-2011, 12:18 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jokutus View Post
I just have a few questions...

1. What are your ages?
2. How long have you been married.
3. How long have you both been with your other partners?
4. Did you both decide to be childfree? Is there pressure from family members to start having kids.
5. What amount of time do you spend with your other partners?

My wife and I went thru a similar period, but it turned out to be stress.
1. I'm 32, husband is 34
2. We've been together for 14 years
3. I've been with my bf for about 18 months, hubby with his gf for one year
4. We are both in agreement about being childfree. Yes there is family pressure to have kids, but that's not something we give any weight too.
5. We spend a great deal of time with our other partners, at least one overnight visit per week, usually one full day on the weekends, a quick peck on the cheek at least or visit for about an hour each day during the week, sometimes more.

I will also add that my husband and I were each others first sexual partner.
And we are comfortable with affection, we sleep in the same bed most nights, cuddle, curl up on the couch, hold hands, etc.
To add another detail, he has no health issues mental or physical that would cause any issues. It's not an issue with his girlfriend, we both have active sex lives apart from each other.
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Old 02-04-2011, 12:32 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
5. We spend a great deal of time with our other partners, at least one overnight visit per week, usually one full day on the weekends, a quick peck on the cheek at least or visit for about an hour each day during the week, sometimes more.
It does seem like you are spending more quality time with your other partners and neglecting each other. After 14 years, it can get to a point where it is nothing more than comfortable and familiar. While cuddling on the couch watching TV at the end of the day(when your both tired) is nice, it's not the same thing as spending a couple hours or more actually focusing on your partner.
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Old 02-04-2011, 12:59 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It does seem like you are spending more quality time with your other partners and neglecting each other. After 14 years, it can get to a point where it is nothing more than comfortable and familiar. While cuddling on the couch watching TV at the end of the day(when your both tired) is nice, it's not the same thing as spending a couple hours or more actually focusing on your partner.
+1
I think maybe you're just too comfortable around each other. I wouldn't say that is a bad thing though. Personally, sex isn't something that would define a loving relationship to me. I do find it can be quite a romantic and sharing thing to do though.

A suggestion, which may not be at all a good one. Make some time with each other to just have that sex. Or anything else you feel you are missing with each other. If you are spending all the time with other partners, I'm sure even a nice meal at your favourite restaurant has been overlooked in a little while. =]
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