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  #31  
Old 03-17-2011, 07:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post
I did feel some resentment towards Rob for not wanting me to become involved with someone who I did care deeply for, because the man was married and cheating. Rob was being logical about it. I know Rob meant well and wanted me to not become involved out of love and care for me. Likely the man would have lied to me if he was willing to lie to his wife, I may end up feeling hurt, and it was not fair to the man's wife. Rob also made a good point that someone who does that lacks courage.

I think I felt resentment because I don't want to feel like I am being controlled as to who I can and cannot date. I don't become infatuated or get attached to someone very easily, but when I do it is hard and fast, and I want to take action on it as soon as possible. Its raw, primitive, and I don't want to be stopped.
I will toss another possibility out there, Rita. Perhaps the infatuation you felt was more about being attracted to the situation of a man cheating than it was to the man himself. There could be some fear surrounding the idea of another man being more available to you -- which is what is possible in an open, honest relationship. Cheating on someone necessitates careful planning, making excuses, covering one's ass, lying, scheming, as well as limiting the time one can give to a mistress. All that energy spent plotting rendez-vous and liaisons kind of consumes the cheater and their mistress, and so that could be interpreted by you on some level as more "safe" in an emotional way -- with a little more work to do on the structure and logistics of a relationship with a cheater might signify in your mind that it will be easier to deal with than someone who can more fully immerse themselves in romance and the potential for LOVE developing between you.

Of course, this may not necessarily be the truth, but our minds do naturally and primarily build up defenses. A poly person can have the same logistical and time restraints as a cheater, but everything's out in the open. Perhaps the openness and honesty scares you because if you let in a more full possibility of love for yourself with another man, then you see the possibility also of another woman loving your husband. And you might not really want to look at that. So finding a guy who cheats seems easier to handle.

Any of that ring true for you?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-17-2011 at 07:10 PM.
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  #32  
Old 03-17-2011, 09:43 PM
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RitaFire RitaFire is offline
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You certainly bring up some good points nycindie. Things I need to think about. But I am going to disagree partially with this statement:

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Perhaps the infatuation you felt was more about being attracted to the situation of a man cheating than it was to the man himself. There could be some fear surrounding the idea of another man being more available to you -- which is what is possible in an open, honest relationship.
I don't agree that if I am involved with someone who is open, honest, in a poly relationship with their partner would necessarily be more available to me. They may have their primary partner whose needs need to be met, they may also have kids which may be a priority as well. Or work, hobbies, etc. When RobFire and I were practicing poly, I had begun instant message chatting with another man who was interested in me, I was interested in him as well. He was married, but he and his wife were practicing poly, so they were open with each other. She knew me and liked me. But, he seemed to have a time resource issue. He worked a lot, and she had needs from him (for example help with a project or something around the house), and they had a child. Often he was not available because he had to tend to her needs. That is ok, I am not criticizing that. She is his wife and primary partner and that is how it should be. I was the secondary. So I don't necessarily think that those who are more open and honest would necessarily have more available time than someone who was cheating.

But, again, you bring up some interesting points for me to think about, and I appreciate your posting them.
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  #33  
Old 03-17-2011, 09:52 PM
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Yeah, it just occurred to me because there's often a disconnect between what we logically know and what we subconsciously perceive based on beliefs we hold. So I thought I'd throw it out there for consideration.

A married cheater could also seem like less of a risk just because cheating is more accepted in society than poly.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-17-2011 at 09:57 PM.
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