Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-15-2011, 02:30 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 104
Default Whose bed?

I don't think like other people I guess so I thought I would ask your opinion on the bed situation.

My husband's GF lives about an hour away. When she comes over I want her to feel comfortable in our home. The first night she came over I left to go to a friends house for girls night out. I made sure there were clean bed clothes and a couple candles on the headboard. I didn't think a anything about it. She ended up not staying the night because she wasn't sure how the kids would react the next morning. H said she seemed uncomfortable getting into our bed. I felt kind of offended at first. I worried that is why she left. It is just a piece of furniture. All of the love and togetherness feeling comes from having H right there with me. After reading some of the restrictions that have been places on some of the relationships I realize that people have an issue with having others in their bed. I guess what I am asking is where do they sleep while she is here if not in the bed? I just always figured I would take the couch and they could have the bed. I want them to be able to sleep together but I don't want to push her into something she is uncomfortable with.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-15-2011, 03:38 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,191
Default

might get better answers if you ask her.

But, for me, having JUST encountered this question for the second time.


It was no big deal to me for Maca (dh) to share our bed with another woman when I was in Washington (as was all of my stuff, we were supposed to be moving there).

But, we didn't move, now that's my room with all of my stuff.

I COULD move the most meaningful things to GG's room, but that would be bothersome for Maca... at the same time, just because HE'S comfortable enough to move to sex doesn't mean I'm comfortable enough to share my personal space with someone.

I don't know the person as well as he does, I don't have a friendship with her and I don't build relationships as quickly as him. Therefore, it's nothing to do with HIM-were she just walking into my life-she wouldn't be close enough to me to be sleeping in my room or being in my space without me there.

Therefore-it's not reasonable for her to be in my personal space yet. Period.

SO-they can use a hotel. If a hotel isn't feasible, then they'll have to figure something else out.

In your situation-you are comfortable, that's awesome, but since it would seem that she isn't, maybe it would be a good idea to ask her what exactly it is that is making her uncomfortable in order to address what would be comfortable for her.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-15-2011, 03:51 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 104
Default

Thank you for your reply. I am going to talk to her about it tomorrow I just wanted to get some opinions before hand. Sorry
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-15-2011, 05:02 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

For me, the bed is I share with Fidelio not just a bed. It is our marriage bed, and it is sacred to us as a symbol of the rest and peace we find in each other.

Others have slept there: napping children, lazy dogs, family elders. But we don't bring other lovers into it.

Fidelio built our bed, especially for me, with his own two hands, to be our bed in our home forever. This is part of our cultural heritage. There are many other beds in the world; there are plenty of other beds in our house. But our bed is special and sacred and just for us.

Perhaps your metamour feels similarly.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-15-2011, 06:55 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
But our bed is special and sacred and just for us.

.
My bed has this sacredness about it so I understand a part of this. I don't even feel cool just fooling around in RP and PN's bed unless he's there

I don't see things as just objects; for me they hold energy from the experiences that are created around, in or on them. I get it..some things are sacred for me as well
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-15-2011, 03:26 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hi Lovinhim,

I guess I'm more like you (furniture/spot) and yet I understand the feeling of those who view a space differently. As mono mentioned, there is an 'energy' that gets released into an area that can make it special. For me/us we feel adding to that energy is actually erotic. It doesn't detract from it. But that's us.

All else fails - buy an air bed - put it where you want ! They have advantages as you can get wilder and more creative (especially with multiple partners) and not worry about someone getting bounced off on the floor from 2 feet up !

This was an interesting dynamic in our full motion waterbed. The 'wave' effect has caught more than one person unawares. Good for laughs but kind of breaks the moment when someone hits the floor.

GS

Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 01-15-2011 at 05:00 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-15-2011, 03:38 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi Lovinhim,

I guess I'm more like you (furniture/spot) and yet I understand the feeling of those who view a space differently. As mono mentioned, there is an 'energy' that gets released into an area that can make it special. For me/us we feel adding to that energy is actually erotic. It doesn't detract from it. But that's us.

You say a bed is just a piece of furniture to you, yet you say that you like the erotic energy that gets released into it. So I don't think that the bed really IS "just furniture" to you - you just LIKE it when you have sex with your other partners in it. That is exactly the same principle as when people DON'T want to bring in other partners, but it is the opposite manifestation. If the bed were "just furniture" to you, then you wouldn't have anything to say at all about "erotic energy" being associated with it, one way or another.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-15-2011, 04:56 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by neon
If the bed were "just furniture" to you, then you wouldn't have anything to say at all about "erotic energy" being associated with it, one way or another.
Naw Neon,

You really don't 'get it' - pretty typical <evil grin>
The bed is not the 'space' and the space is not the 'bed'.

Let it go.

GS

Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 01-15-2011 at 04:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-15-2011, 05:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Naw Neon,

You really don't 'get it' - pretty typical <evil grin>
The bed is not the 'space' and the space is not the 'bed'.

Let it go.

GS
You're right, I really don't get it when you and your <evil grin> contradict yourselves. That was why I was hoping you could explain it to me. I guess I ask for the impossible.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-15-2011, 05:56 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,209
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
You say a bed is just a piece of furniture to you, yet you say that you like the erotic energy that gets released into it. So I don't think that the bed really IS "just furniture" to you - you just LIKE it when you have sex with your other partners in it . . . If the bed were "just furniture" to you, then you wouldn't have anything to say at all about "erotic energy" being associated with it, one way or another.
I didn't read it that way. I thought he meant that although the bed is just furniture, the space/area/room/environment/dynamic that is present holds the energy of the people involved. The bed itself isn't sacrosanct, but the energy of the people "playing" is felt and acknowledged, and can happen anywhere -- not just in the bed. So the bed is just furniture. While at the same time, there is a palpable energy present.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 01-15-2011 at 06:53 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:53 PM.