Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 03-01-2011, 04:07 AM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,571
Default

Just a quick suggestion Mr. M - please create your own user id. It is going to get too confusing if your using your wife sign in.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 03-01-2011, 04:40 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Hello Mr M.

It might be easier on everyone if there isn't any pressure for the two women to be friends. It might happen in time but just because you love both of them doesn't mean that they will be able to get along with each other.

Also you said that in the past it wasn't fair that you kept your wife in the dark because you didn't give her a choice in the matter. I'm not really sure that she has a lot of choice in the matter now either. It seems to me that you have sprung this on her and just asked her to accept the whole situation as is.

Why are you uncomfortable with her seeking a second relationship? You know that you can love two doesn't it make sense that she would be able to be in another relationship and still love you too?
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 03-01-2011, 05:11 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
Hello All!!!

I am Mahogany's husband..... As long as I have had an interest in women, there has always been two. My main woman (in this case my wife) and the other woman (GF). Through out life my GF alway knew about my main woman but never the other way around....



Mr. M
Welcome to the forum Mr. M,

Hats off to coming onboard and sharing with us all. You've taken some heat already and I am right up there with people gravely concerned. I have a "damsel in distress" complex that makes me protective of people who often don't need any at all.

There is a common theme of people feeling trapped and without answers as to what to do. I have my own trap just and you and your wife have yours. I hope you find the guidance and internal answers you are looking for. There are a lot of very wise people on here. Take what all of us say with a grain of salt, and prepare to be challenged..but you should not feel attacked...although perhaps you already do.

Regardless, welcome and I look forward to reading more of your journey. Hopefully you will all find what you need to be happy, healthy and anything but numb
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 03-01-2011, 05:43 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I merged your threads Mahogany and Mr. M. And yes, please do make yourself your own account Mr.M. It gets very confusing otherwise...(Mr.M works ). Besides, I think you need to sit down and be with us for awhile. There is a lot to read here, even if you decide not to write anymore. You don't seem to know the first thing about poly first off... First of all the language; your wife, you might consider calling a "primary" partner and your girlfriend, a "secondary." I won't go into details about all that, but if you look at the definitions thread in the stickies at the top of the "new to polyamory" main page, you will find a whole bunch of useful words to use in order to explain what is going on for you to us and each other. That way all of us to be on the same page. They are useful words for newbies, often, with time, people abandon some of there meaning for something that fits better for them... baby steps with all that though... first take a look at those who have gone before and realize that you are not alone and poly can and is achievable.

Might I suggest looking at these two threads first.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2755

It seems that you have some stuff to sort out for us Mr.M if you will. There is a lot of confusion about the dynamic you have for me and perhaps others. If you have read the thread Mahogany has posted, is it possible to please take from it some ideas about what you might comment on to bring us up to speed about what is going on for you both?

Thank you for sharing something so raw with us here. I always find peoples ability to make themselves vulnerable to strangers incredibly honouring. Thanks for trusting and reaching out.

*hugs* to both of you.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 03-01-2011, 10:23 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
Is it me? Do I need to suck-it-up and go numb, hoping that in the future it will all be ok....that I will grow to be happy in this "cage"?
Mahogany, I've lived through a severe panic disorder and one thing I learned is that 'Healing hurts'. If you are numb, you are not healing. Sometimes going numb is a very valid reaction to an impossible situation and protects you at that moment from going completely batshit-crazy. For a new mum, going numb is probably preferable to going apeshit. But you need to understand that numbness is a reaction to an emotional shock/trauma, and will always lead to major repercussions, because at some point, you will need to start feeling again.

I suggest you do some reading on PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Lot of the stuff is written for people who have experienced life-threatening trauma, but that stuff applies to anyone dealing with a major emotional upheaval. The symptoms you described, i.e. not being able to concentrate, eat or sleep well to me speak of you needing medical attention. If you are not breastfeeding at the moment, I'd recommend seeking out a psychiatrist and starting out on mild anti-anxiety medication, such as SSRIs. To focus on therapy and the healing process, you need some sort of mental focus, which the meds will help you achieve. Also, it's practically impossible to get hooked on that stuff.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 03-01-2011, 10:32 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
I don't know how long it takes for my wife to heal, not become numb, for this to really work but I'm willing to wait/work it out till it becomes great like the way I envision it....
Very often the things we hold dearest in our imaginations are completely unattainable in practice. That is the beauty of fantasy; you are not limited by the real world considerations that surround us each day of our mortal lives. To you, what does being willing to wait it out include? If your wife needs you to focus on her and the kids and stay away from the GF for a while, say, 6 months, could you do that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
So I ask you, the people, for help and advise... to help her... to help me.. and to help us three to grow as one.. Thank you
There are lots of great stuff to read at this forum, but one resource I've found to be of great help is Mr. Franklin Veaux's 'Making Relationships Suck'. It is in parts so true that it isn't even funny anymore. He has other great resources on his site at http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 03-01-2011, 04:27 PM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 34
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
If you are not breastfeeding at the moment, I'd recommend seeking out a psychiatrist and starting out on mild anti-anxiety medication, such as SSRIs. To focus on therapy and the healing process, you need some sort of mental focus, which the meds will help you achieve. Also, it's practically impossible to get hooked on that stuff.
I have to disagree with the idea of taking drugs to deal with perfectly natural emotions. Everything Mahogany is feeling is normal. As for it being impossible to get hooked on SSRIs, visit www.paxilprogress.org which supports thousands of people struggling and suffering in the effort to get off them, myself included. Just not worth the risk, especially now that studies are showing them to be no better than placebo.

My heart goes out to you, Mahogany. I've been there and it was indescribably painful. In my case I did come to accept my husband's relationship after months and months of talking, crying and looking into my own heart. At times it did seem completely impossible. You're the only one that is going to be able to decide if and how this can work, and it will probably take a lot of time and inner work to come to the right decision. Best of luck to you.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 03-01-2011, 04:34 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachelina View Post
As for it being impossible to get hooked on SSRIs, visit www.paxilprogress.org which supports thousands of people struggling and suffering in the effort to get off them, myself included. Just not worth the risk, especially now that studies are showing them to be no better than placebo.
Ooh *the sound of can of worms opening*. Since this is off-topic, I'm not going to delve deep into this issue, but people who can benefit the most from SSRIs are usually the most unlikely demographic to partake in drug trials. However, everyone knows how to best deal with their special condition, and a licensed professional who knows the person is best equipped to evaluate possible need for medication, not random people (myself included!) on a forum.

It's worth a visit to a healthcare professional of any persuasion, at least.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 03-01-2011, 06:03 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

If I thought that my partner was "numb" and actually trying to achieve this status because of me I would be making huge adjustments to my life so that they are able to at least manage. It would kill me to think they have to take meds because of something I have done.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 03-02-2011, 12:32 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,627
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
Hello,

... my husband came clean about cheating on me with her (for 5 months before I found out). Before this we shared 4 monogamous years together.
...

Also, my husband does not feel comfortable with me exploring my end of the openness. He does not want me intimate with another man. He is not abusive or forceful about it, but he has simply communicated that he is not comfortable with it. Should I pursue another man anyway?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
Hello All!!!

I am Mahogany's husband..... As long as I have had an interest in women, there has always been two. My main woman (in this case my wife) and the other woman (GF). Through out life my GF alway knew about my main woman but never the other way around....

Mr. M
Hi Mahogony and Mr M.

I see a discrepancy in your first posts. Wife says they've had 4 years of monogamy, husband admits there have "always been two" women in his life since he became sexually mature. So, this current mistress is just the latest in a string of women.

Mr M may be naturally poly, and didnt feel he had a way to practice it, so went the common way of cheating. However strong the drive for multiple relationships is, cheating on your spouse, especially when you have young children, is a huge breach of trust. Your wife has a ton on her plate, raising twin babies and also holding down a full time (?) job.

I work with mothers and young babies (as a lactation specialist) and have had lots of experience with parents of twins. How much free time does Mr M have to do his share of childcare and housework, work at a job, and still have time for another sexual relationship? Where are his priorities?

Mr M, it seems you've been playing up the sister wives idea with M. Your OW is "warm and nurturing." She'd be good with the kids, I guess you're saying. My question is, how nurturing can she be if she was willing to carry on a clandestine relationship with a man whose wife just gave birth to two babies at once? I, for one, would never trust this women around my children.

As for the other quote I included, I never can support the "one penis principle." M taking another lover for now, might be the last thing on her mind, but it's hypocritical to think Mr M can have 2 women to love and have sex with, but M can only have Mr M. Ridiculous!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
deception, devistation, mono, mono poly, trauma

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:46 AM.