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  #61  
Old 10-14-2009, 02:15 PM
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Thanks for all your support. I will tell all as soon as I can. I'm just so exhausted by it all and trying to gain my strength back.

I'm also waiting to see what the reaction will be. If I don't hear from them in a couple of days I will call and tell them how it went.

If she continues on the path she has been on then my husband and I will give her an ultimatum and she will have to decide if she wants to be in our lives or not.

If she decides that she can live with the fact that my boy is okay and not being damaged then I will request that in order for me to gain some trust back that she tell all those she has talked to where she is at now with the whole thing. I mostly want her to tell her coworkers as she works in the same field as Mono and has possibly caused damage to his reputation.
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  #62  
Old 10-14-2009, 09:18 PM
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That sounds like a sound plan RP. I will be praying for the best possible outcome. I can only imagine your struggle and I look forward to hearing that it all worked out well. Keep your head up, try to get some rest and remind yourself that it may be a rough road, but it's a beautiful worthy road as well.
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  #63  
Old 10-15-2009, 06:30 PM
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So I took my boy to the doctor on Tuesday and my husband took time off work to come along too. The doctor asked us what had been going on in our relationship as he had heard that I had another partner. I told him I did and that he has become a strong hold in our life and family. The doctor asked me if he is living with us to which I answered no. This seemed to surprise him as it seems he was lead to believe he did. He asked how my boys bowels and bladder are doing and if he is having accidents in his pants still. I left it up to my boy to answer his questions as much as possible as I thought it better coming from him.

The doctor asked if it would be okay to give him a check up and my boy agreed. He seemed to know that there was something "big" going on and was articulate in his communication (look who raises him!) and helpful. He had never heard of Mono being talked about as my other partner, only as a close friend and someone I love. I wondered what he thought of that.

The doctor checked him over and then announced that he could see no signs of there being anything unusual and apologized for having to follow up. He said that he thought our boy was very healthy emotionally and physically and that he wished he saw families that seemed as well adjusted as ours seems to be. He marveled at how level headed, communicative and rational we all were in light of our unconventional arrangement and complimented us on the good job we were doing raising our son. We replied that this life style is nothing new to us and that we are very comfortable and happy within it. Our goal is to create an atmosphere of love and support for our boy and each other in whatever form that takes.

He said he thought my mum was very persuasive and dramatic about the whole thing and was concerned that his relationship with her may be tarnished in some way as a result of his not agreeing with her. I told him that she would drop it now and that it was not uncommon for her to be dramatic. We have come to clashed before in our lives and this was no different than when I came out as a lesbian or got drunk at a school dance as a teen. She caused as much drama those times.

After a few days I talked to my dad on the phone and told him how it went. He reminded me to keep trying to reach out to my mum. I was furious with him. I am so hurt and un-trusting of her motivation at this point. I told him that she had a lot of work to do to patch that up between us and that I needed to spend my time recouperating at the moment. He understood and for the first time told me that she has problems and he intends to see that she addresses them.

Later in the evening I got an email from my mum that said she was glad that the doctor had given my boy a clean bill of health and that she was doing what "the family" had told her to do and was in therapy. It was said with a an irritated tone, but at Mono's suggestion I chose to ignore it when I wrote back.

I said that I thought that therapy is beneficial to anyone and hoped she got something out of it. I asked her to tell everyone she had consulted about the situation that my boy had got a clean bill of health, especially her co-workers who work in the same job area as Mono does, as his name has been slandered in our opinion. This was our request not mono's as he seems to be unworried about that point. I managed to muster up that I look forward to spending time with her when she has accepted that I have my own life and will raise my child how I see fit. I told her I don't expect her understanding in that, but do expect her acceptance if she wants to be in our lives more fully. She then wrote back and said she didn't think anything she said would adversely affect him so not to worry and that she looks forward to the future too... I wrote back and said "heres to the future then"... with a smiley face.

So, there is movement.... now I just need to get back on my feet emotionally and I will be as right as rain... the ball is in her court, but I feel as if I can at least be around her and deal with her on a day to day level. I am enjoying this new relationship with my dad. We have decided to make a habit of going out for tea and spending time together. He is a wonderful man and interesting to talk to. It's my hope that we can talk about other things than our family life at some point, but we will see...

Thanks for listening and being supportive. I hope that by spending the time typing all this story out it has been helpful to those who read it... that is all I ask.

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  #64  
Old 10-15-2009, 07:59 PM
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I'm glad that the doctor was so level-headed. It's not easy and I know you must be exhausted by the whole thing. But you did it right and you did it well and you deserve a big pat on the back.
Go to your "hidey hole" as we say up here, lick your wounds, regain your strength and enjoy the love you have from your family.
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  #65  
Old 10-15-2009, 10:01 PM
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I'm so glad the dr was open minded and saw that your son is just fine. *HUGS* Hopefully things will start to get better and her therapist is just as open minded and can help her deal.
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  #66  
Old 10-15-2009, 10:27 PM
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I am so unspeakably glad things went well at the doctors' office. And that your mum's decided to go for therapy . . . WOW!



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  #67  
Old 11-30-2009, 06:39 AM
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So, just a catch up from the past month.

It seems that there has been little to no head way but then I think again that perhaps there has. Especially in me.

I went for a birthday tea today at a proper British tea room (my ancestry is Welsh). This is perhaps the last vestige of connection (I love a good cup of tea makes me happy) I have with my parents I realized so I sat and was sad.

They seemed older than I remember them four months ago, before we came out. They seemed more unable to comprehend too. They are just unwilling to accept it seems and are unwilling to talk about it.

I gave them the book "love without limits" recently and told them that is the closest thing I knew of to help them. They had read it but didn't want to talk about it... well, my mum skimmed it. I talked about Mono's job being extended for another two years and that he was happy with that because it meant he could make his child support payments and could eat as well. They changed the subject after talking under their breath to each other the whole time when I got to the end of my story. They talked at length about their lives and I realized that nothing has changed. Not one single thing. There were several indications that my opinion was worth nothing to them, that what I had to say about myself was uninteresting, that what stories I had to tell, accept for ones about their grandchild were boring to them and from my mum that she is right and I am wrong about a good many things such as swine flu shots etc....

What was this all for then?
Really, why did we bother?

The only thing I can think of is that coming out has created space for us, by virtue of the fact that they don't want to be around us because it means that they have to deal with our honesty, openness and our need to set out boundaries clearly and in a timely fashion now that they know we have Mono to think about and are not going to bend to their idea of what we should do that would suit them better.

As it stands now we will not be seeing them on my birthday, for the first time since they moved here, we will not be spending birthday time with my brother who has a birthday a couple of days before mine, we will not be spending Christmas with my brother and his girlfriend and them, and it is doubtful that I will see them at all over the holidays except to drop my son off to visit them for a couple of days.

This is huge change for me as we have always been very close and as the child of an immigrant family, have spent every moment possible with each other because we were it. There was no extended family growing up.

I know that this might sound strange to someone who has an extended family or just isn't that close to theirs. It does to my husband who is surrounded in this city by family he never sees and by Mono who thinks being close is a phone call away as his family live on the opposite coast, but to me this is huge.

I am sad, and scared. I have put myself out there in my beliefs that creating family is the best way for me and now I have to put my money where my mouth is it seems. There is no other way now, I have to live it. Part of me is happy with the out come as I look forward to a quiet close family Christmas with my men, my boy and me, but part of me wonders if I should of sucked it up in order to please my blood family.

In my parenting course we are taking this would be considered a fight for independence, what I have just been through... Could it be possible to still be fighting for independence at 40?! I guess so as we also learned in our course that when one doesn't get through the stages of independence that should end at 21-23 then we keep fighting for them. Is that what I have been doing all this time and is that what coming out has done? Forced that last stage to finally happen?
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  #68  
Old 11-30-2009, 02:39 PM
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This might sound corny, but is really IS their loss. But really, not a lot of time has passed since you had the big talk.

It warms my heart to know that you will never put your own son through this kind of BS.

That's all you can do - control your OWN actions.

I know you know this already.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better right now.
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  #69  
Old 11-30-2009, 03:54 PM
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Oh I've given the wrong impression. While I am am sad and adjusting to my new surroundings so to speak, it is better.

Independence is better.

Thanks though ygirl. A magic wand would be helpful under these circumstances for sure, but then the learning wouldn't happen and that is what makes life worth living isn't it?
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  #70  
Old 11-30-2009, 04:54 PM
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Aw... I'm sorry things have been rough. I do hope that you are able to grow and move past though.

((hugs))
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