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  #51  
Old 10-06-2009, 06:11 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
Sometimes we need to teach our parents new ways of thinking.
Very True!

Thanks xyz123.
It was you and our private discussions that lead me to give my mum a big hug at our front door as she decided to venture up our front stairs with my son, when she dropped him off. She looked so small, sad and out of her element. I felt sorry for her. I was being stubborn too in expecting a "sorry." I forgave her a bit in that moment and you helped me get there xyz123.... thanks, you are a generous woman to offer up so much of your well earned wisdom on such matters.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to offer their wisdom also. It's much appreciated
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  #52  
Old 10-07-2009, 12:42 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Very True!

Thanks xyz123.
It was you and our private discussions that lead me to give my mum a big hug at our front door as she decided to venture up our front stairs with my son, when she dropped him off. She looked so small, sad and out of her element. I felt sorry for her. I was being stubborn too in expecting a "sorry." I forgave her a bit in that moment and you helped me get there xyz123.... thanks, you are a generous woman to offer up so much of your well earned wisdom on such matters.
Thank you. Just don't expect I'll always be a font of wisdom. Or even sanity.

The work you've done with your family is your own and you should be very proud. You and your loves truly are an inspiration.
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  #53  
Old 10-13-2009, 04:03 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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RP.....sorry I've been "gone" awhile. i haven't been there much for you. Almost back and now able to devote some time to my friends here again. As you know my mom (85 yo) lives with us. It would absolutely confuse and kill her if she knew the dynamics of our 3some.

I am truly sorry to hear of your description of your mum. We suffer seeing our parents in that light for sure. We have our own dynamics here with me and 3 women in the house. As you know and will find out more as your mum ages, they change. They become more beligerant, more sensitive, more needy of our love and time, and yes, more frail too. Still, love wins out. She will always be your mum and you , her daughter. All the other crap really isn't important. We all only have our parents in our lives for a short time longer. We need to bend to make the time work with them. I commend you for your foresight and realizing this. I'm sure the hug you gave her will eventually come back to you ten-fold.

My dad walked away from us then re-surfaced 36 years later a week before he died. As much as I hated him and resented his abandoning his wife and children, it brought a peace to all concerned to be civil to him in his final days. Sometimes they reach out, sometimes we have to. She's still your mum. She may never understand, (I don't know if they can), but it doesn't mean they don't love us. We need to know that. We need to love regardless, even if it hurts for awhile.

RP, I hope you're doing some better now. You are a special lady with a special gift. I'm sure your mum knows this. She just might not be able to put it into words for you. Keep the hugs coming. It's a great secret weapon in the kids vs. parents world.
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  #54  
Old 10-13-2009, 07:44 AM
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So, yesterday we all went for lunch to celebrate my brothers girlfriends birthday. We all were invited by my mum and she and my dad paid for the meal. It was the first time I have talked with her in about 7 weeks... I can't believe it's been that long. It went well I think in that I drank enough to keep me from thinking and maintaining my polite interest in her life, and enough to tell her about what news I had that she might find of interest.

Previous to this lunch my dad called last week. He told me that my mum had been to the doctor to see about an anxiety and depression med and had told our family doctor why she needed it. She had already been to see a therapist that she was hoping would help her cause of becoming "right" about Mono in our life and his interest in our son and the break up of our family and marriage. She then decided to go to our doctor as well to tell him what was going on in the hopes that she would be able to get meds to help her sleep at night in order to deal with it.

The doctor had to act professionally and ask to see our son. My mum made him an appointment and was ready to take him. My dad called me to tell me what had come about and that he thought I should take him.

Of course I was furious. She has bent over backwards it seems to gain confidence in her story and get others to collaborate on it with her. She has gotten her co-workers to think that Mono is a predator also.

When I saw her yesterday I told her that I thought it was great that she was in therapy and that I hoped she was working through some issues. I told her that I thought it was a good idea to take meds while she goes through that process as it helps sometimes to be medicated to deal with hard issues. I suggested that when she is finished therapy that she remember to come off of them again as they should of served their purpose by then. I told her that I am certain that Tomos is fine and that he is in no need to see our doctor, but that I would take him. I will take him tomorrow with a big bribe, as he hates the doctors office. I will take him for no other reason than I think my mum will not rest easy until a professional that she respects tells her that our son is not adversely being affected by our "V" situation.

If she doesn't back off after that my husband and I have agreed that we will give her an ultimatum... either she gets of this righteous path of destruction of our relationship with her over simply wanting to prove shes right, or she decide to let it go and regain some trust back and reestablish her self in our lives with a new out look of the future and what is happening in our famaily today. If she decides to go the course she is on now, we have agreed to let her know she won't see our boy again. We can't have him influenced by her when we are not around. He should never be made to feel that there is something wrong that he should be fessing up to and he should not be made to go through what I did when I was a child and that is the feeling that someones love has conditions. We have no conditions on our love for him and we would like him always to feel he will be loved no matter what.

So, wish me luck tomorrow, and in the future.

Judging by yesterdays lunch, I think that we are on a rocky path yet, although it isn't as steep and is slowly turning to gravel. Still, I am tired and any path these days seems like an effort. I am asking for strength at this point.... I have faith, albeit battered faith, that our "V" is worth standing up for, but I don't have the strength to hold my head up high and be everything I need to be in order to not be hit to the ground once and for all.
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  #55  
Old 10-13-2009, 07:49 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
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Wow, you are much more level headed than i am RP. if my mother had done that to me, not only would i have not taken my child to the Dr. i would have cut her off from all communications immediately instantly.
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  #56  
Old 10-13-2009, 02:50 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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I'm delighted your mum is seeking professional help in dealing with this situation. I doubt she finds what she wants (professional opinions backing up her view of your life choices) but I hope she finds what she needs (help working through her own issues so that she can be free of her fixation on you and your choices).

Even if her heart wasn't in the right place when she told the doctor, it might be a really good thing for a doctor to check up on your son. She will get even less traction with her argument that your V is harming your boy once a medical professional has determined that he is healthy, happy and well-adjusted. And that realization may lead to the realization that the problem lies with her, not you.

Be strong, SisterWoman. I continue to be impressed and amazed at the way you consistently meet your challenges with love, respect and compassion for everyone around you. You're my hero.
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  #57  
Old 10-13-2009, 05:12 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Keep your head up RP. Sometimes it's a REAL pain the ass-but it is worth it. The lessons you are teaching your son by standing up for yourself, and your family, by insisting on a modicum of respect, by being honest and open-those lessons will last a lifetime. The biggest is the love and your love for him, as well as your family and even your mother through your frustration with her will carry him for a lifetime.
Remind him (and yourself) that loving someone sometimes means setting boundaries to protect not only yourself but also THEM from causing more damage. You may need to put that boundary in place with your mother, but that doesn't mean you (and your son can't love her) it means you have to love her in a way that keeps you safe AND keeps her safe from hurting herself further and yourself more.
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  #58  
Old 10-14-2009, 03:31 AM
Libre2Love Libre2Love is offline
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Redpepper, big hugs to you. You're very strong...I don't know if I will ever be able to tell my parents. Sigh.
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  #59  
Old 10-14-2009, 05:02 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Congrats rp on the "win" Mono popped on to tell us about!
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  #60  
Old 10-14-2009, 01:58 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Yeah, Mono posted that things went very well indeed at the doctor's. WOOT!

I hope your mum wakes up and smells the coffee now. Good luck on that front!
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