hoorayjeebus
New member
I feel I should share my experiences here. This board and a few others were very helpful when my wife and I were attempting to transition to poly. Unfortunately, like so many others' stories, our conversations happened after cheating was involved. For that and many other reasons, the attempt to move into a poly relationship was colored by this cheating episode. This was only a symptom of the problem however, and the root of the issue is that despite our inertia, despite routines and habits we had developed over many years, we had lost touch with each other. We tried counseling and it didn't take. We tried books and they didn't take. We tried putting poly 'on hold' which worked temporarily but didn't take. We tried discussing how a poly relationship would work, and that didn't take. Eventually, after years of trying to hold things together, our marriage broke up in one of the ugliest ways imaginable. That experience was everything I had feared, and the repercussions have followed everyone in the family to this day.
What's surprising about all this, is that despite the ugliness, emotional damage, stress and financial loss, I am actually happier now than I was while we were together. Looking back, I realize now that the relationship contained elements of abuse and could never have supported ethical non-monogamy, let alone a foundation for any real healing to take place. I look at all the posts of "my SO cheated and now wants to be poly!" and I see much of the story of my own relationship. I'm not saying it's impossible to transition, but I want to stress that breaking up may actually not that bad. It may actually be the best outcome for all parties. It is certainly preferable to staying in a miserable relationship, especially one where one party is trying to coerce the other.
If you are in a bad relationship, there is nothing wrong with saying what you feel. There is nothing wrong with sticking to your ideals. If your SO wants to change and you cannot, there is nothing wrong with that. People change. I know it's a platitude to say that, but sometimes that's all there is to it. There is honor in trying to keep a relationship together, but if you fear the loss of your true love, or your best friend, or the breakup of your family, I am here to say that losing yourself is much, much worse than any of those outcomes. I can tell you that with 100% certainty.
To all of those who keep trying to slog it out, hang in there. To those that can't, it will get better. I promise. And to those who feel coerced, you have the right to be happy and the strength to leave if that's what it takes.
Thanks for all that have helped me. This will be my last post on this forum. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Farewell.
What's surprising about all this, is that despite the ugliness, emotional damage, stress and financial loss, I am actually happier now than I was while we were together. Looking back, I realize now that the relationship contained elements of abuse and could never have supported ethical non-monogamy, let alone a foundation for any real healing to take place. I look at all the posts of "my SO cheated and now wants to be poly!" and I see much of the story of my own relationship. I'm not saying it's impossible to transition, but I want to stress that breaking up may actually not that bad. It may actually be the best outcome for all parties. It is certainly preferable to staying in a miserable relationship, especially one where one party is trying to coerce the other.
If you are in a bad relationship, there is nothing wrong with saying what you feel. There is nothing wrong with sticking to your ideals. If your SO wants to change and you cannot, there is nothing wrong with that. People change. I know it's a platitude to say that, but sometimes that's all there is to it. There is honor in trying to keep a relationship together, but if you fear the loss of your true love, or your best friend, or the breakup of your family, I am here to say that losing yourself is much, much worse than any of those outcomes. I can tell you that with 100% certainty.
To all of those who keep trying to slog it out, hang in there. To those that can't, it will get better. I promise. And to those who feel coerced, you have the right to be happy and the strength to leave if that's what it takes.
Thanks for all that have helped me. This will be my last post on this forum. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Farewell.