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Old 09-17-2009, 01:55 AM
ladyjools's Avatar
ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Location: scotland
Posts: 175
Default advice would be welcome

I will try not to make this long,
its just so nice to have found a bunch of like minded people and i would love your perspetives opinions on this,

I have been with C for nearly 6 years,
we have always talked about the possibility of being in an open relationship but for the first 3 years it was just talk, nothing more...

then i met M,
and i realised before anything phsyical ever happened that i was falling for him. M is 16 years older than me and was as good as married in a mono relationship however we got close as friends and i really started to have very deep feelings for him. Ms relationship was in a bad way, they had not been intimate for about 4 years and where always on verge of seperating,
actually it was a mess and i should have prob stayed well away but i couldn't and i didn't.

I was honest with C about my feelings for M and about the fact that i felt that it was building to something happening. We talked somemore about being open but at the time we had no idea how to go about it and hadn't even heard of the term poly.

Eventually i visited M and something happened i spent the weekend with him being intimate and it was the start of an affair. I came home and told C, he hit the roof we nearly broke up but he forgave me and he took me back,

i thought i could keep away from M but in the end we met up again and it got phsysical again. C found out and again he was hurt. I confessed to him that i loved them both and i wanted to try work it out so i could be with them both, C was willing to try and so our jorney to Polyamory began.

I made a lot of mistakes in that year
i got caught up in new relationship fever,
i always had the mindset that one day i would have to choose between the 2 men
the fact that M was still with his partner and was lying to her made it an affair for him and that was also wrong.

C tried to be understanding but he could not deal very well with the initial betrayal and in the end i broke it off with M, M also confessed all to his partner at this time.

For a year i had no contact with M. i also had 2 other relationships in that time both of those C was able to handle and C has a long term girlfriend. The thing is, i still love M. I have missed him ever day for a year, and recently i asked C if i could get back in touch with M because i just felt like i couldn't handle missing him anymore, and so we are talking again and although nothing physical has happened i would like to one day try and be in a relationship with M again. At the moment he is in process of breaking up with his partner, and i will not go back there until he has sorted that out, but the point is i want to go back there

i have been honest with C, he knows that i love M that i want to work on things with C so he can feel secure with me being with M again in the future. Its a lot to ask, i am asking him to forgive the betrayal, the affair and all the mistakes we made. I have learned so much since then, with the 2 other relatioships that i had i will not make those mistakes again but i can totally understand why C is not comfortable with M being part of our lifes,
he is willing to try and work on this because he knows how much iv missed M and how much i love M. It shows what an amazingly understanding and wonderful man C is that he is willing to try. So at the moment we are talking a lot about this, and i am talking to M but nothing else at this time.

Does anyone have any advice input, experience,
i do believe that we can get through this and be stronger
i just don't know how to go about making C feel secure and ok with my feelings for M,

thanks for taking the time to read

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Old 09-19-2009, 04:11 PM
Twinkle Twinkle is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 10

I have actually experienced this from your partners side of things. Because of the fact that the other person that was involved was a very close freind to both of us, it was kind of a double betrayal for me and nearly ended my marriage. Although it was hard, my husband and I were able to work through it and we have stayed freinds with the other person. It did not take me long to forgive both of them for what had happened. I love both my husband and my freind and understood how things got to where they were, but it took some time for me to be comfortable with the idea that he would like to be with her again.

I thought I would let you know how we were able to get through it in case it might help you, but I will have to admit the process took a few years. I think firstly because the other person and I are freinds so there is not this unknown person with unknown motives involved helped alot for one. I do not know if you can get together with your two men just for something social from time to time, but that could help them understand the situation better.

Also, my husband spends alot of time reassuring me how much he loves me and how his feelings for others take nothing away from that. We have both seen others for a couple of years and have worked very hard to stay in touch with eachothers feelings and not let things get out of hand. He never asked me if he could get back together with the first girlfreind ever, but from time to time he would explain to me why he felt so close to her and how he wished he had approached the situation differently so that I did not experience so much pain from it. I know that he has never had that kind of connection with another person that he has dated as he had with the first girlfreind. I was the one that finally suggested that now I that now that I have grown much in my understanding, I would be comfortable if he wanted to revisit that relationship now in the open instead of in secret.

Hope it helps!
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Old 09-22-2009, 11:59 PM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 175

Twinkle that really helps
the M and C where friends before this happened, not good friends though but they where friends,
it all feels so complicated and i regret so much doing things how i did, id give anything to go back in time and change it,

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