I'm The Hypocrite Now

Little back story before I get to my question

My husband and I recently moved to AZ and found out we are pregnant. We moved in with the first couple we ever swung with and became best freinds with. At least until my husbands VA money kicks in and we can find a place. We have lived with them for a month now and my husband and I are dating the wife. I love her to death but with a recent heartbreak for me and everything else going on I wanted to wait to date until we had a house. My husband has stronger feelings for her and she is the first woman he has had the chance to date.
I have tried to talk to him about this but he always makes the comments of "well there will always be the temptation there" or "you really can't say that you don't want to date because that is hypocritical I went through the same feelings when you dated, but I pushed through them because you were happy." Its not that I don't want him to be happy or explore these feelings with her because I want to as well. I just want to have time to settle and adjust and time for us since I am pregnant since we are having to stay with them til November.
I feel like he always pays more attention to her, or flirts more physically than he does with me. And again every time I bring this up he uses an excuse of you don't want to be touched, or go anywhere. Which right now I love cuddling just not over my nausea stomach, and most days since we have a 1 year old I am too tired to go running here and there. He also told me one of the days that she was the reason we moved down here. Which before we got into numerous fights because I wanted to be closer to family but he would mope or come up with a million excuses as to why Arizona was the better choice.
How should I bring it up to him again and try to get him to understand that his behavior is really starting to become unacceptable, and that I just want time for us since we really don't get the privacy we need right now. We always had the rule if one says stop or needs time we would take it no issues. Now it is a big fight because I have no clue what to do. I am not happy with continuing right now, but I know if I tell him no they both will be upset.

You chose to bring a child into a poly family. No offense, but you need to put the child's needs first. And what's best for the child is having three supportive parents giving him/her love and support.

You cannot simply put his relationships "on hold" anymore than he can do for you (if he has in the past, I'm sorry, that would be wrong, but you cannot fix a wrong with a wrong). What you can do is offer to have her be a part of the family and pitch in.

If she chooses not to be part of the family (i.e. wants nothing to do with the baby) than fine. She can have whatever of his free time (after child care and other priorities) is left (divided equitably between you and her). By the way, that free time with you should NOT always include you and him together taking care of the kid, but, say, a date night away from the sitter.

The last thing you want to do now is push him away by fighting with him over his affections for you and for her....

In my experience; both asking for a delay and being on the recieving end of someone asking for a delay;

It's usually best to not make the request so open ended "wait to date" & more specific "I need this exact behavior to wait until this precise time".

I have tried asking both ways and still get the same answer. I am not wanting him to completely end the relationship, because I want to date her as well. I would just like to focus on us since we just had a big change in our lives. It is not about our children at all. He does everything he needs to with the one we have that lives with us and the one on the way. I am just asking that til we get a house and space of our own, and are adjusted to our entire lives changing to simply just focus on eachother. I have done it many times for him when he asked, and it seems like now that I am asking I am the bad guy. I had asked him before we even came out here and it seems like as soon as we got out here he started pushing dating and flirting heavily with her immediately.

Hmmmm, based on your response, the blame is still there, but more equitably shared. In my opinion, he was wrong for asking you to "focus" on the two of you, over your other partners. Do you want to continue that path of mutual denial, versus mutual giving? It seems like you both could learn and grow a lot from this...

Be the stronger woman and help find a way to move forward that maximizes EVERYONE's happiness

Unfortunately once the flood gates are open, rarely do the agreements and promises made get honored just hang in there until you can get your own place. Is going for an extended stay with your family an option?

Sadly at this point in time no it isn't. I am plagued with morning sickness out the wazoo right now and flying across country would be more stress as well as staying with family.

Oh, God. You needn't leave. Just work on accepting that it's not about you. Or even you and him. It's about you, him, her, baby, and any of your paramours. ..

I am sorry you struggle.

When does his VA check come in to enable you guys to get an apartment? Could you already be looking, filling applications to have ready to turn in? Do that for a year or two lease to give you more time to hunt for house and have this baby NOT at your friends house? And to more quickly solve this space/privacy problem?

Just trying to think of other ways to go here to reduce your stress. Having a baby is change enough without moving to another state and buying a house on top! Cannot stop the move, already done. Cannot stop the baby, already pregnant. CAN postpone the house shopping a bit and get a bit more settled into an apartment. Create some breather space.

You sound like you want more privacy. Additionally you sound like you want (his time with her) , (your time with her), and (your time with him) to be better mapped out and executed. You sound like you feel taken for granted and that (you and him) time as a COUPLE is not happening. He does the (family stuff) ok but lacks the (you and him as a couple) stuff.

You CAN say you do not want to date right now. That is not hypocritical. That is reporting how you feel right now. So do not date. He can choose to date or not right now...that is him and his choices. So talk about him dating her. Is he balancing (dating you) and (dating her) well and meeting both of his partner's needs ok enough?

You could say you prefer he balance his dating life with his life with you. Talk about what that looks like.

You could request for him to give you his help adjusting post move and with pregnancy. You can say that right now too. Could be clear about what specific behaviors you would like from him. As your lover and as your coparent. That is two different hats. Ask if he is willing to do them as you lay out or if he has suggestions of his own for meeting them in other ways. Talk.

Galagirl

We are looking for houses to rent we are just waiting on the VA to start his disability pay. So that is being covered it is just the waiting for the money to start coming in so we are able to cover the deposits and rent and such. I have made my requests specific and still gotten looked at like I was jealous or crazy. No matter what requests he has made specific or not I have always obliged like we agreed if either was having a difficult time. We have always been amazing at talking about the others needs and feelings and such. It just seems like with her all the agreements we have made don't matter. I love her just as much as I do him and would love to date her as well, I just need the time to settle in and get used to just everything! Anytime he has requested the same no matter who I was dating they understood and complied to our requests. All I ask for is the same respect and feel I am not getting it.

It makes me feel horrible for asking for a simple request. I have been trying to push feelings aside and let him be happy and everything and I am pretty much at my last straw with how he is treating me.

Well, "focus on me" is very vague. What specific needs have you asked be met?

Don't blame you for feeling yucky and being at last straw. Sounds like poly hell.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Combined with stonewalling, not following through, or flipping it around on you when you try to talk things out about his time management and your unmet needs.

You seem to need connection with him. Right now he is not giving his time toward that in communicating well with you. Or in dating you. Not connecting on either front.

I do not know that moving would alleviate the communication problems, but I think it could help some on the space front. I hope you are able to rent a house soon then. Your own home is good. Helps you settle in more post move to get your own space.

Emotionally? I your own separate space you are also not having to observe him interacting with her in confined quarters right in front of you. I know you like her and all, but observing that while your own dating needs with him are neglected can hurt. You dating her too could be nice once you are settled and ready to date, but (you +her dating) is still not (you + him dating). That is the layer that seems wonky right now.

You sound like you miss him and miss that layer of the polymath, but he is (not seeing it at all) or (seeing but not willing to do anything about it right now.) Either way stinks for you.

I wonder if looking back... maybe you are discovering it was "great communication" back then because it was about HIS needs being met then? He was all for participating in talks when when it was about his stuff? Not so much when it is about yours? That could be another source of pain right now. I am hoping I am wrong about that.

Could he be willing to read poly hell article with you? Have you asked to talk with all three of you present?

Sigh. I am sorry.

Galagirl

Yeah. I am trying to push through since he is being this way til we get our own house but being pregnant my emotions are not liking it. I tried talking to him again and he brought up he's struggled with a few of my boyfriends and today she told him she loves us both. I don't doubt he loves me and her, but it is just frustrating that my needs are being pushed to the side because he is getting what he wants.

When you bring up present concerns, how is him making it be about (his past struggles that are presumably solved now) addressing (your present unsolved struggle) and him helping to find solutions for that? Is he willing to stay focused on present day issues and help find solutions when you talk?

Try asking him straight up like that.

If he keeps slippery fish-ing around blowing side fog in, you pretty much have your answer. He is not going to help at this time. He is not willing to. And will not say so straight up.

Galagirl

I have no clue. I ask him how that relates and he always says he had to sit there and go through the "jealousy" but he overcame it. Pretty much even with me spelling it out for him what all I want I am jealous.

To me? It sounds like the changing spotlight game. If he can make it be about (your feelings) the spotlight is not on (his willingness) or (his behavior done/not done.)

How does his behavior of ignoring you help you become less envious? How is him ignoring you him participating in a relationship with you? It is neither.

You do not sound jealous to me ... Like you are afraid someone will take what you have. You sound neglected, observe his attention elsewhere, and envious as a result. That someone else has something you would like also. She has some of his time and dating attention. You do not have some of his time and dating attention.

You do not sound totally unwilling to share his time and attention. You sound unhappy you are not getting any at all.

How about not get too hung on semantics but focus on moving the convo forward toward solutions?

Could say straight up...

"You think I feel jealous. I am telling you I feel lonely for you and crave connection with you as a couple. Not always as parents.

At this time, are you willing to share some of your time and dating attention with me? So there are more opportunities for me to connect with you in that level? Make some regular date nights with me? Or not willing at this time?"

You are not a mind reader. Asking what he is willing or not willing to do at this time is reasonable to ask.

If he keeps giving you the run around, could call it no, he is not willing. And not doing you the courtesy of saying so straight up, but being wishy washy about it.

Then there is other stuff for you to consider and sort out for yourself, but you get a clearer picture of how things are right now between you... That he is not participating in the relationship with you as you would like.

Galagirl

Re (from thread title):

"I'm the hypocrite now."

Click to expand...

Wikipedia says that a hypocrite is "someone who practices hypocrisy, who pretends to hold beliefs, or whose actions are not consistent with their claimed beliefs." And that hypocrisy is "the practice of engaging in the same behavior or activity for which one criticizes another; moral self-contradiction whereby the behavior of one or more people belies their own claimed or implied possession of certain beliefs, standards or virtues."

Now, have you preached one thing, but practiced something else? In the past, has he asked you to stop dating someone (for awhile), and you refused to stop dating them? because that would be the only way the shoe could be on the other foot here.

It sounds to me like he's being childish at best, and conniving at worst. He seems to have engineered this situation where he'd be right within reach of this other woman whom he has the hots for, and you, pregnant and caring for a one-year-old, feel you have no say in the situation because he can threaten you with the "Jealous Bitch" label.

When exactly are the VA payments going to start?

I think he needs to step up to the role of father and husband, and I'm not sure he's doing either right now. Sounds to me like the only role he's stepping up to is that of petulant playboy.

Unfortunately, you can't make him do the right thing, and I don't know any magic words that would convince him to do the right thing. The only person's actions you can control are your own. So think long and hard about what is and isn't a deal breaker for you. If you're going to stay with your husband, then you'd better get used to him dating this other woman, because he's dead set on doing that. And watch his behavior going forward, because he might do more and more for her, and less and less for you.

You can of course try to talk to him, but I don't know what you could say that would do any good. Any fool should be able to see that he's not doing right by you right now.

Sorry you're in this predicament.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I talked to him and he pretty much threw a fit saying if I wanted it it could happen but he wouldn't be happy. So just for the sake of saving me stress right now I gave them very hard limits and told him and her of they were crossed I was done and gone.

Ugh, sorry you had to do that.

You wouldn't think it would kill them; after all, it's just a temporary restriction.

Was there ever a time when he asked you to put a relationship on hold and you pitched a fit at him (like he's pitched at you)? If not, then maybe he's the hypocrite.

I just hope those VA payments start soon because you really need to move out of that couple's house.