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Old 03-01-2011, 07:28 AM
victorearose victorearose is offline
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Default I've come full circle, it seems

Hi All,

About 9 months ago I told my partner, who was mono and asexual, that I could no longer live in non-consensual celibacy. We decided to open the relationship rather than break up.

As you can guess, that didn't work out so well and we eventually separated a little over 2 months ago.

I am still with my lover. We have been together 4 months now. Our relationship was monogamous after my partner left until about a month ago. At that time we decided that he could take on another submissive to protect and train. The relationship with her does not go into the bedroom; but does include bdsm play.

So, it seems I have come full circle and now am on the "other end" of the poly triad. I am not jealous. I am not feeling threatened. I am very happy that my friend is experiencing the care of a true Dominant and will hopefully use what she is learning when she chooses a permanent, life-partnered Dominant of her own.

What I am feeling is neediness.

I became accustomed to having ALL of his energy and attention (which isn't true as we both work 2 jobs and have our own families). I was used to the time we spent together being MY time. It was my mini-vacation from real life. I could relax and let him be in control and feel like I was being taken care of. Now I am sharing that time, energy and attention and I am feeling like I am not getting enough for myself. I am also feeling a sense of anxiety when he doesn't respond to my messages right away. I am not sure what I am "afraid" of ... it is just a vague anxiety that I NEED him and he isn't IMMEDIATELY there.

This relationship is THE first one in my adult life where I was not made to feel bad about my needs and desires. He does all that he can to fulfill my needs. My habit is to feel guilty about having these feelings of neediness and lonliness and sadness. Then I find myself in an arguement with myself ... playing the old tapes that I need to stop feeling this way and arguing that my needs and desires are legitimate.

I talked to my sub mentor about it tonight, and with my Dom. I asked that we look at our schedules and carve out couple time. I made a mental note to myself to not invite our submissive to the next date; I will be more aware of what my needs are and not go to my first instinct of inviting her along every time. He also suggested that I need a hobby ... lol. He is correct that I am still adjusting to evenings alone. My partner is no longer here and when the kids are with their dad, I am alone with me and my thoughts. He suggested I find something to focus on that will engross me enough to shut my brain off.

It is late and He is fussing at me to go to bed. :-)

Thanks for listening, anonymous people of cyberspace,

victorearose
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:01 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hi and welcome.

This not so anonymous listener in cyper-space shall now make a total fool of herself by showcasing her complete lack of awareness of dom/sub-dynamics;

Isn't neediness to be expected from a submissive?

And yes, methinks polyamorous people are among the demographic who could most benefit from a time-consuming and engrossing hobby. I play rpgs and yoga. Oh, and haunt this forum, too!
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Old 03-01-2011, 01:50 PM
victorearose victorearose is offline
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what is rpgs?

submissive does not equate to neediness

victorearose
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:12 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Role-playing games of the non-BDSM variety .

So neediness is not a positive quality to have?
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:38 PM
victorearose victorearose is offline
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Neediness is not a quality or feeling that I am comfortable with. It may work for some submissives and some D/s relationships, but is not for me.

I am single mother with a special needs child, health care professional working two jobs and the matriarch of the family who is ultimately responsible for coordinating the care of the children with the loser ex spouse and the nanny and the schools etc etc ....

There is no room for neediness in my life.

.
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Old 03-01-2011, 03:02 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by victorearose View Post
I became accustomed to having ALL of his energy and attention (which isn't true as we both work 2 jobs and have our own families). I was used to the time we spent together being MY time. It was my mini-vacation from real life. I could relax and let him be in control and feel like I was being taken care of.
Wow, you sure have a lot on your plate. If somebody needs minivacations it's you. You are not interested in finding any other partnes atm?
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Old 03-01-2011, 03:32 PM
victorearose victorearose is offline
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I'm not sure that adding another into the chaos of my life would help right now. And I want HIm. I realize this morning, also, that I do need to find a way to cope with the times I am alone. Even if it is crying myself to sleep ... That is a good release of all the stress also.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:49 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Tell him about what you have been feeling and what he can do to help alleviate your insecurities over it. I did this a few days ago, it was something really small, but it was negatively effecting me, so I mentioned that I was feeling really insecure about it and what he could do to help (again something really small). He said" I had no idea...". I knew he didn't and said as much and things changed. A simple little act stopped my turmoil and irrational fears.

His idea of a hobby and/or something indulgent to do that is just for you is something to seriously consider. This subject has come up in a number of places recently and it is something us moms have trouble doing, we need to be our own best primary. We spend so much time taking care of everyone else's needs, that ours get put by the wayside and forgoten. This can have serious negative effects that we don't even recognize because we are so busy worrying about everyone else.
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