Husband of 10 years is Poly-Just Found Out

[Penny]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I am curious, though. If it was an innocent situation in which they just bumped into each other while out and about, why was there a text message? Who followed up the encounter with a text and who responded? That seems like going against your ground rules, too.

I've been curious about this too.

[ladyintricate]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I am curious, though. If it was an innocent situation in which they just bumped into each other while out and about, why was there a text message? Who followed up the encounter with a text and who responded? That seems like going against your ground rules, too.

It was A's boyfriend (I will call him B) who my husband had texted that day. He is also our mutual friend. That was what made the situation even more difficult the other night was that when I confronted hubby about why he deleted the text message and he gave me a vague answer, I then felt like I couldn’t trust him or B. I wondered WHAT had they been talking about?! Were they planning something that was against my ground rules or talking about something that had already happened and that was why he had deleted the text message?

I confronted hubby on all of this and told him that I felt like I couldn’t trust either of them after that (can I trust ANYONE, period, anymore?!). This was when hubby came clean about seeing A that day on accident and he said that the text message said that he had seen her to B. he also said that he was going to tell me about it, but I had asked to see the text message before he got the chance and he panicked.

Obviously there are a lot of messed up behaviors in this mess of a night. I am really worried that hubby’s default is to lie because he is so afraid of rejection. One of the difficult things for me in all of this is that i have never rejected him. He never realyl gave me the chance to accept or reject him. He was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to accept that he was poly that he was never straight with me about what he actually needed and kept it all a secret until it got way out of control and led to a big betrayal. I have no way of knowing for sure what could have happened if he had told me right upfront BEFORE anything happened that he had romantic feelings for A and he wanted to have a romantic/physical relationship with her, what would have happened. I know I wouldn't have been instantly ok with it, but I believe that it would have been better for all involved if the trust had not been so badly broken with the lies and cheatig.

I am starting to come to grips with 2 things in this situation. 1.) I can not control him – he will do what he really wants to do, and 2.) I do not trust A or B in so much as that they respect our marriage and although I will be friendly to B, I no longer feel that I can trust him as a friend.

I will never officially “know” what the text message said, I have to go on what hubby said and what my gut tells me. It tells me that the truth did eventually come out and that he was worried that I would not believe him when he said nothing happened and then I would leave him so he lied about it.

I am working on figuring out what I want and need from our marriage and so is he. For now we have both agreed that we want to continue to be married and we love each other. It is also agreed upon that honesty is very important to build up trust between us. Honesty does not come easy to him, this is something I think I have been in denial about for a long time. I have realized that TRUE honesty is something that I need going forward and hopefully through therapy and talking about things at length each step of the way we can achieve that.

It should be said that hubby has done a lot right during the roughly 2 months since I found out about the affair. The 2 things I said I needed in the immediate aftermath were: we are going to therapy to work on our own issues as well as those as a couple AND no contact with A. I feel confident that he has followed through on both of these. He is actually in a therapy session right now by himself while I am at work typing this. I hope it goes well for him.

I know that it appears that I am not giving a lot right now, but my part is for the moment to accept him for who he is, be supportive and loving of who he is and that this is hard for him as well as for me (that part is not difficult at all). Also, to wrap my head around the betrayal that took place and that our future together is likely not going to be just the two of us, but possibly him and I and another person. In some ways I am really coming around to this idea, but in other ways I feel like I can’t trust him enough to do that because of the lies and sneakiness that lead us to this moment.

Anyway, I hope that answered your question, NYCindie. Sorry about the book. Thanks for your support and everyone's who has given me feedback and advice. This forum means the world to me right now.

[LovingRadiance]

I am really worried that hubby’s default is to lie because he is so afraid of rejection. One of the difficult things for me in all of this is that i have never rejected him. He never realyl gave me the chance to accept or reject him.

That's one of the struggles I have with Maca. I'm the poly one and the one who cheated.
But, when I found out about polyamory-I had started researching how the hell to fix my relationship and get my own head straight. I realized I had to come clean with myself first-and then the rest of the world. I've worked my butt off to be honest (sometimes to a fault I fear) since then.
Unfortunately, that isn't always true for Maca and I keep wondering if he is going to have to go through the nightmare I did from decieving myself and him and the whole affair before he understands what it means to be really and truly honest?

He was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to accept that he was poly that he was never straight with me about what he actually needed and kept it all a secret until it got way out of control and led to a big betrayal. I have no way of knowing for sure what could have happened if he had told me right upfront BEFORE anything happened that he had romantic feelings for A and he wanted to have a romantic/physical relationship with her, what would have happened. I know I wouldn't have been instantly ok with it, but I believe that it would have been better for all involved if the trust had not been so badly broken with the lies and cheatig.

I absolutely agree with that. I wish I had been more aware of myself and not put us through so much hell. I can never delete those memories for any of us.

Honesty does not come easy to him, this is something I think I have been in denial about for a long time. I have realized that TRUE honesty is something that I need going forward and hopefully through therapy and talking about things at length each step of the way we can achieve that.

I hope that helps! I hope it helps us too. I know for me, reading on this board helped me A LOT with finding truth and honesty in myself. Also-the other thing that really helped was reading about "radical honesty" (there is a book-but I didn't read the book just a lot of articles).

It should be said that hubby has done a lot right during the roughly 2 months since I found out about the affair. The 2 things I said I needed in the immediate aftermath were: we are going to therapy to work on our own issues as well as those as a couple AND no contact with A. I feel confident that he has followed through on both of these.

I'm glad. It's important, for both of you.

In some ways I am really coming around to this idea, but in other ways I feel like I can’t trust him enough to do that because of the lies and sneakiness that lead us to this moment.

That's perfectly reasonable. I've been on both sides of that coin. It's hard.

This forum means the world to me right now.

I for one am glad you're here. keep sharing.

[BlackUnicorn]

I have a super-embarrassing tendency to sometimes get into the same reflexive lying trap. My reasoning behind this is something as lame as 'I don't want to hurt them', 'This is not the place to deal with this, let's get home first' or 'I need time to figure out how to break this out to them softly'. When confronted over the phone, I'm especially prone to guttural reactions like these. It's a bad communication peeve I need to work to get rid off.

[Thespian]

I realised I was poly when I fell in love with another woman. My wife and I were not good at communicating at that time so, to my regret, I failed to talk to her before beginning an affair. Of course she found out and it did make us reconsider our relationship and begin talking properly. Even after my wife knew about my affair I found myself effectively lying (or at least not being completely open) about silly things like meeting my other for coffee. It just seemed to cause more trouble to be honest than it was worth.

Sadly my wife was unable to deal with me loving two women and I have split with my second love because I could not handle the pain I was causing. I have issues with my wife now because she would not try to learn anything about polyamory. I hope I can overcome this resentment.

Believe me that it is possible to love two people, and for me it was the difference between the women that was so much part of it. So it was nothing that my wife was doing wrong, nor anything she was being that was the problem. I would not have wanted her to become more like my new love.

Anyway, just some thoughts from the other side.

[kreeativ]

something i realized long ago is we cant be resposible for others feelings. they will choose what they choose to feel and they have the right to feel how ever they choose. by "protecting" them from there own feelings by lying is a control issue. and by robbing them of there feelings on something could very well inhibit their own growth process. thats why somebody said the truth shall set you free.

[ladyintricate]

Originally Posted by kreeativ

something i realized long ago is we cant be resposible for others feelings. they will choose what they choose to feel and they have the right to feel how ever they choose.

I agree completely. This is something that my husband has had to face. He is also facing that he lied to himself just as much as to me.

[ladyintricate]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

I have a super-embarrassing tendency to sometimes get into the same reflexive lying trap. My reasoning behind this is something as lame as 'I don't want to hurt them', 'This is not the place to deal with this, let's get home first' or 'I need time to figure out how to break this out to them softly'. When confronted over the phone, I'm especially prone to guttural reactions like these. It's a bad communication peeve I need to work to get rid off.

There is a time and a place for things. Telling someone bad news when they are in another crisis or when you are at a group family function, for example, is probably not the best idea.

However, I think for the vast majority of the time, telling those you care about the naked truth saves them more pain in the long run. Also, by not telling them the truth you are robbing them of the true story and possibly yourself of what their true reaction would be. My husband thought I would hate him and leave him if I knew about him being poly so he lied and cheated on me. Now he realizes that him being poly is not a bad thing to me, it is the betrayal and the lies that have almost split us apart.

We live, we learn (hopefully...).

I am trying to learn that I cannot control things except myself. He will be him and I will be me. I am also learning what I need and what I want and seperating that from his needs and wants. I have a long way to go on this.

[ladyintricate]

Originally Posted by Thespian

Believe me that it is possible to love two people, and for me it was the difference between the women that was so much part of it. So it was nothing that my wife was doing wrong, nor anything she was being that was the problem. I would not have wanted her to become more like my new love.

Anyway, just some thoughts from the other side.

Thanks, Thespian! You sound just like my husband in the quote above. He has told me that I was and am perfect the way I am and that was not why he fell in love with someone else. That helped me a lot in the very beginning because that was exactly what my first thoughts were: that I was inadequate and so he went looking.

I feel a lot of guilt for telling him that if he decided to stay with me then he cannot see A. (the woman he had the affair with) but I have had to come to terms with the fact that she represents so much betrayal and pain to me that I cannot even think her name without feeling pain. This is a NEED for me. She is clearly not going to be able to be our third, at least not anytime soon. I have been completely honest with hubby about this and I think he understands and although hurts, he has chosen me. We are taking this one day at a time and that is all we can do for now. I hope you and your love are doing well on your own journey. She still won't even talk about polyamory with you?

[Thespian]

Originally Posted by ladyintricate

Thanks, Thespian! You sound just like my husband in the quote above. <snip> We are taking this one day at a time and that is all we can do for now. I hope you and your love are doing well on your own journey. She still won't even talk about polyamory with you?

Well "it's not polyamory unless everyone consents and I don't consent" and "the three of you (that's me, my ex-lover and her husband) ganging up on me" and "there's no point trying to persuade me" is the level of response. Not exploring any possibilities, not discussing why she feels so jealous and what I could do more to help her. It's just a denial.

Sad really, as I think there's so much more we could both learn about this.

Anyway I'm delighted if putting this side of the issue helps you understand how your husband feels. Believe me he will be hurting very deeply but it shows how much he loves you that he's stuck by you.