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  #21  
Old 02-24-2011, 03:32 PM
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Well said - both Loving Radiance and Grounded Spirit...

I have nothing to add that would not sound trite next to their words of wisdom...

hugs to you and I hope you find the peace in your heart to move forward a step at a time
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  #22  
Old 02-26-2011, 12:38 AM
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Default Much love to all!

Thanks so much everyone. Your words and the dialogue in general have helped me get some perspective and feel some much needed support. We don't know anyone in our area (Houston, TX) that is polyamorous (although I am sure they are here) and all that the few friends I have told about the situation keep telling me is to leave him, or their was something I wasnít giving him so he went to find it with another woman, or he is just being selfish, and blah, blah, blah.

That kind of talk and perspective, while I realize they are on my "side;" is not helpful to me at all (or to him, obviously). I truly believe him when he tells me he knows he royally messed up when he lied to me and acted dishonestly and that he does love me and always has. He WAS trying to protect me and that was why he lied and it got out of hand. I have made it VERY clear that I need him to treat me like an equal and be completely honest from here on out.

However, as much as I am trying to empathize with him (and I feel that I do for the most part Ė I see him hurting) that he loves A. and misses her, I also recognize that MY needs at this time are that he does not have contact with her. We have talked about this at length and he understands that and that she betrayed me almost as much as he did. For now he has not contacted her at all (except the day after I found out when we agreed that he would call her and say good bye to her) and he says that he understands why this is something that I need to heal. I have told him that maybe (but at this point I donít see it changing) in the future this will change. My husband and I are being brutally honest at this point. We are both so happy that the lies are done and he told me just last night that me being able to accept him for truly himself was something that he didnít think anyone could do, so he didnít really give me the chance. He is so happy now that everything between us is in the open and that we are now working together to find out what will make us both happy means the world to him (and me!).

We have an agreement that we both need to work through this time and both heal and then we will re-evaluate. Do you think we should talk about a time frame with this Ė when we will re-evaluate, I mean?

Keep in mind that A. also had a boyfriend who has been with her well before my husband met her and he is all of our friend as well. He had no idea of their having a physical relationship until this came to light and is very hurt also. They are working on their relationship that was supposed to be monogamous, too.

Anyway, I donít want to seem like I am defensive. I really have had my eyes opened to the fact that a part of who my husband is means that he has the capacity to love more than one person deeply at a time. This is not at all a bad thing about him. It is beautiful, in fact.

All of the changes that this brings to my perceptions have me reeling right now, but the complete honesty and the love that we are making sure we are expressing every day to each other is helping me get through this.

Also, even though he hasnít posted anything on the forum, you better believe he and I are reading these posts together.

Much love to all of you!
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  #23  
Old 02-26-2011, 01:17 AM
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Originally Posted by ladyintricate View Post
We have an agreement that we both need to work through this time and both heal and then we will re-evaluate. Do you think we should talk about a time frame with this Ė when we will re-evaluate, I mean?
In my experience, yes. It's a very good idea to put a time-frame in for re-evaluating.
EVEN if what happens on that date is that you agree to extend to a new date, it shows good faith on both parts that you both understand that there is "work" to do, and that it needs to be done in a "timely" manner.

That doesn't mean that "everything" gets resolved at the next "evaluation". It just makes it easier to hold yourselves accountable and to see that you are both serious about holding yourselves accountable.
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  #24  
Old 02-26-2011, 03:02 AM
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agreeing with LR and am really happy for you that you are making some moves forward! Good for you
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  #25  
Old 03-15-2011, 07:14 PM
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Default The lying is what really hurts me

SoÖI figured I would give a bit of an update on what has been going on. It has been going on 2 months since I found out my husband was cheating on me. The first 2 weeks were excruciating. I had a lot of anxiety because I felt like my world had been turned upside down and that I couldnít trust anyone.

I am feeling much stronger and calmer now. My husband and I have been going to counseling individually. Eventually we are going to go together, but right now we are working on our own individual issues. I have told him that I just cannot have A. in our life and be happy. I told him that I am sorry and I feel for his pain in not having her in his life anymore, but that this is the way it has to be for now. He agreed to this and has been very good about no contact. We continue to be friends with Aís boyfriend (who is currently still with her) and have spent time with him on a few different weekends talking and hanging out.

It hurts me to see my husband hurting because he cannot see the other woman he loves, but I cannot and will not lie to myself again and tell myself that I will be ok if she is in our lives. At this time I will not be ok. I will be panicky and scared every minute. I have told hubby that I am sorry for putting him through this and that he is a beautiful person in my eyes, inside and out.

Right now I worry about his deceiving me before with the cheating and that it will happen again. Just last night I asked him if I could look at his text messages (this was how I found out about the affair to begin with) in front of him because it would make me feel more secure and he deleted a message before he would let me see. This all ended up resulting in me finding out that he had seen A earlier that day by accident when he was at his job and in the same area of town that she works in as well. I was very hurt and mad that he hadnít just told me that to begin with because pretty much this exact scenario we had talked about maybe happening and I had said that as long as he was honest with me it would be ok. He delete the text message, lied to me about it, and then when I confronted him because I could tell he was lying, he finally told me the truth.

We have talked and still talk A LOT about all of this, our feelings, how we are hurting, what we need, what we want, everything. I am very reassuring to him. I donít understand why his default seems to be to lie to me.

Anyway, I guess the update in a nutshell is that things are better, but moving very slowly. We have agreed to re-evaluate every month as to the situation and how we are both doing and what our needs are. He says that my needing him to not have contact with her is hard, but understandable and he can do that, yet he lied last night about something that need not have been a big deal at all (it was an accident that he saw her, that is totally understandable). How are we ever going to move forward if the lies continue?
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  #26  
Old 03-15-2011, 07:28 PM
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Just an FYI - my cell phone bill shows the phone numbers of any incoming and outgoing texts, the text itself doesn't show up, just the number. Wouldn't have helped me when I discovered my husbands affair, because he uses a work phone, but I do watch my kids messages.

My husband's default for a LONG time was also to lie to me, even small stupid stuff, like how much he spent at the grocery store (as if I couldn't find out from the bank statement). I think we are getting past that with the help of the marriage councelor. I actually told him one day that he might as well just punch me in the gut, it would hurt less and I'd get over it quicker. When they lie about small stupid stuff, there is no way to trust them with the big stuff, there will always be doubt.
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  #27  
Old 03-15-2011, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I actually told him one day that he might as well just punch me in the gut, it would hurt less and I'd get over it quicker. When they lie about small stupid stuff, there is no way to trust them with the big stuff, there will always be doubt.
SNeacail, I completely agree (with the punch in the gut and everything else) and I have told him this. I think that maybe in my husband's case he is very afraid of rejection or of me leaving him. He also has lied about realyl dunb stuff in the past that doesn't make any sense. Ex: one time he lied about how he had done the dishes. I looked over and saw a sink full of dishes sitting there. I had to raise an eyebrow and say, "Ummm...you did?" Look!"

I am glad to hear that the counseling is helping with you and your husband, hopefully it will with us also. I still have a lot of love and hope.

He says that he very much wants to have an honest relationship and he loves me but that it is very hard for him. I can understand this, but it makes it VERY hard for me to be able to trust him, especially right now.
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  #28  
Old 03-15-2011, 10:23 PM
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I have found that even when two people agree to be "completely honest" about everything, that still often means something different to each of them.

I think that he probably thought that telling you might've hurt your feelings, and so his first inclination is to protect you from hurting, coupled with protecting himself from any possible fallout. Often I find that men just cannot believe that women want the whole story - they've been programmed to keep us safe, or what they perceive as safe. Hence, we are in the dark a lot of the time.

I am curious, though. If it was an innocent situation in which they just bumped into each other while out and about, why was there a text message? Who followed up the encounter with a text and who responded? That seems like going against your ground rules, too.
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  #29  
Old 03-15-2011, 10:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think that he probably thought that telling you might've hurt your feelings, and so his first inclination is to protect you from hurting, coupled with protecting himself from any possible fallout.
I will have to say, it is usually not to protect the person being lied to (although they may use that as a justification once they get caught), but it is definitely to avoid dealing with the possible fallout. It is purely selfish. Sorry, I know that sounds really cynical.
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  #30  
Old 03-16-2011, 12:18 AM
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things are better?? yea things sound better, not. why do people put themselves through so much agony for something they think is love. of course everybody has their own version of love,but true love has only one definition,and it aint whats going on in this little story. egos run rampant.
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