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Old 09-01-2009, 06:35 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Default Dealing with feeling unwanted

My husband and I have been with our gf for six months. Before she moved in, he had been experiencing a major increase in his libido. Before we even met her, actually...

Prior to that, we'd been avg once every 10 days or so, if that. Partly, he's always had a lower sex drive. Partly, we spent two years trying to conceive (and failed). It definitely didn't help. Even *I* didn't want it that much with all that stress.

Anyway, I was elated when we had this sexual renaissance. We even went 17 days in a row at one point (before she lived here and often without her involvement even remotely).

Then she moved in. It was a rough transition, mostly because unbeknownst to us all, a medication I was taking for fibromyalgia was making me totally out of my mind crazy. It was six weeks before I'd figured out the problem and worked towards fixing it, and of course, I did damage in that time. I didn't mean to, but I did. Yet, oddly enough we all together were probably having more sex in that time than we have since I've been more mentally healthy.

Part of this is that our gf got a job and has to go to bed pretty early. Sex on weeknights just doesn't happen for all three of us. However, each of us has alone time with her one night a week, and individually have had sex with her during that time. It's always sort of hard for me... as the one with the highest libido, they know that they still have a pretty damn good shot with me, even if I've had sex with one of them that night. With either of them, the chance of me having sex later that night is nil. So, while I want them to have the right to choose to be alone, I struggle with feeling like it's a choice to not ALL be together... I know I want alone sex with each of them, and expect them to want it with each other. That's not the problem. Furthermore, I don't want to be taken for granted as a sure thing (though I absolutely am)... I want the right to choose one of them during alone time and say no to the other later that night.

Okay... so that's the basic (very basic, admittedly) background. He and I have struggled with libido issues in the past... I eventually learned to not take that personally. Then this year, it improved a LOT. Then our gf moved in.

Now, the challenges are as follows:

1) He doesn't like having sex at night in the guestroom downstairs because getting up afterwards is annoying and inconvenient.

2) She goes to bed so early that sex at night has become virtually impossible. She has narcolepsy, so sleep is essential for her... though she's told us to just go ahead, at least on a weeknight, we are not willing to risk it.

3) I am learning to cope with not seeing as them choosing to not be with me when they have sex during alone time. I rationally accept and see this as true, but emotionally I still struggle, and alone time for them is a big stressor for me wondering "will they or won't they?" It's not even so much about if they do... the not knowing if they will seems to be the big issue. If I pretty much know they will or know they won't, I'm far less stressed while they have alone time.

Okay... so with the basics in place, here's the current issue.

In the past five weeks or so, my husband and I have had alone sex maybe four times. One of those times was on a Friday night when she wasn't interested and we were in the bedroom upstairs while she did something at her desk. It's been eleven days since we were last together. That night, it was surrounded by drama - very unexpected drama. She and I had scheduled alone time, and he and I unexpectedly had sex. She was really upset about it - which shocked us both, but then this was coming off a fairly major drama the night before (too long to go into here). The bottom line is that she felt as though I was saying she wasn't good enough, that I had to have him, too. I was so still wanting her, and we talked that out and things are better.

Last week, they had sex during alone time. He and I spend time alone on the two days I don't work and I get out of work over two hours before her, and he and I have two hours or more before she gets home most nights.

Tonight, they had sex during alone time. It was totally unexpected, by all three of us, as she has thrush so her mouth is totally off limits for everything. I had been hoping I might have a chance tonight, which was foolish for me to think because he and I haven't had sex at night in over a month. So, the odds weren't good regardless of them being together. I was stupid to get my hopes up. I know that I need to assume they will have sex during alone time and that it means I won't get sex with either of them later that night. That's their right. It's their time, and if that's what they do with it, that's their choice. So, I was foolish and stupid to get my hopes up for at least two reasons.

But the problem is, at least in part, that he's had sex with her twice in the past week, and finished with her the last time the three of us were together. So, there's a part of me that sees him desiring her, but not me.

But I'm not blaming her. It's not even about her, at the end of the day. I don't care if he wants her. I just also want him to want me. If he hadn't had sex at all in that time, it wouldn't have mattered so much... then I could just think his low sex drive was returning. But he HAS, and so what else am I to feel?

I feel undesirable and unwanted. Everything else is fine. But this is a major source of emotional distress for me. I even found myself researching ways to lower libido, because the rejection is just so hard... and when you have the highest sex drive, you're always the one who is rejected.

I don't know why he doesn't want me. He'd say he does. Okay, so why he doesn't want me more, then. I think, sometimes, that my damn sex drive means that because I'm ALWAYS attainable, I get taken for granted and I'm less appealing. He can have me any night of the week. With her, his best shot is during that alone time.

Since I recently started to work part-time, he and I will now also have scheduled alone time. Which is nice because I'm pretty sure it's the only shot in hell I have of having sex with my husband anymore... and frankly, because our alone time will be when she's still at work, I'm not even sure the situation will lend itself to sex. Meaning, when they're alone, they often go downstairs to the spare room (yeah, the same one he doesn't have sex with me in at night). Whether to talk or play a game, it lends itself to sex.

If we're in the dining room, that may not happen. I'm tired of initiating and getting turned down. It hurts.

The worst part is, I can't talk to him about any of this. I *had* to talk to her (left out the part about feeling like he wants her but not me, though the sex would make that obvious anyway) because she caught me crying after I found out they had alone time sex, and I needed her to understand I wasn't hurt or angry or upset by that... I was mad at myself for putting myself in a position to be hurt. But that's on me, not them.

I can't talk to him for two reasons... one is he recently asked me to not talk to him about things he can't fix. Well, he sure as hell can't fix this. Beyond that, what does it accomplish? I can't make him want me more. I don't have any magical "make them want Kari" pixie dust lying around (if you have some, please send it). If I tell him, it may even serve to make the problem worse... because he may feel less inclined to have sex since it's a source of stress and drama. Furthermore, the last thing I want is "pity sex."

So... since lowering my libido is apparently impossible, what am I to do? How do I learn to cope with this without seeing it as him wanting her and not me? How do I learn to handle their alone time sex without it feeling like they're choosing to not be with me (especially when that's sort of what they ARE choosing - so I guess it's more, how do I become okay with that choice)?

It's SO hard to not be able to talk to him. Whenever I've had these sorts of emotional issues to sort out, I've been able to use him as a sounding board. But now the issues directly involve him, and he's a fixer. It hurts him to know he's hurt me - even unintentionally, and I don't see how telling him about this solves the problem. But he's been my best friend for 10 years... and I've told him pretty much everything in that time, so learning to parse my thoughts is a big challenge. It's somewhat easier with her... and all she's asked is that I not make her feel responsible for these sorts of things (hence the not telling her I feel like he's wanting her more than me, even though I'm sure that's what she thinks because, well... the recent evidence supports that). And in this case, I was able to keep my emotions controlled enough to tell her what the real issue was - so she wouldn't think it was me reverting to crazy and being upset that they had sex alone. That's actually never really made me crazy, except in the not knowing if they will or won't way... and initially it was very awkward for me afterwards... I mean, he's my husband and we never planned to be in a triad, and well... he'd just had sex with someone who wasn't me, and it wasn't even that I was jealous or hurt. It was just so WEIRD. But even that is fading, now that she's been here over three months.

So now it's just... what to do about feeling unwanted? She's done a lot to ensure I don't feel that way, but she's a girl and I think she gets it more than he does. No offense to any guys reading... but my husband's very logical and rational (except when he's not - I think he's like a dragon - thick skinned, but there are some sore spots). But when he's not, he rarely sees that, haha.

Okay... vent over. Constructive thoughts welcomed. Go.

~Kari
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  #2  
Old 09-01-2009, 06:35 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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And omg, that was long, so if you read it all, thank you.
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  #3  
Old 09-01-2009, 06:50 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I read it all Karelia,
I don't have much advice in this area but do feel for your situation. I'm sure someone will help.

Take care
Mono
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  #4  
Old 09-01-2009, 08:58 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Thanks for reading, Mono.
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Old 09-01-2009, 12:23 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I would say that you need to talk to them about these things.

Besides that, I sure do hope that you are able to please yourself, if you know what I mean.
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  #6  
Old 09-01-2009, 12:57 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I wonder if letting him/them read this post would help. It seems pretty well thought out, emotional but not in any way making accusations. This way all your thoughts and feelings are heard before they get a chance to begin responding. You can't purse your feelings, even if they are upsetting to someone in the triad. Breakdown in communication in any relationship often leads to breakdown of the relationship.

I hope you get better advice.
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  #7  
Old 09-01-2009, 01:27 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Yeah, I am a master of self-pleasure. Small comfort when you feel unwanted or undesirable.

I wish I saw the benefit of talking to him about this. Her, I talked to, except leaving out the part where it feels as though he wants her more than he does me. I don't think I need to point that out when he and she have had sex twice in under a week and he and I haven't in eleven days. I'm pretty sure she's thinking I must feel that, and there's absolutely NO benefit to telling her I feel it. It can't fix the problem, and it can make it worse.

As for telling him... well, again, to what point? If he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me. Telling him isn't gonna help change that, and may even make him want me less, because then it feels like he's got to keep a mental tally of "fairness."

I am ALL for open communication, but I do think it's possible to be TOO open and TOO honest. There are things that need to be discussed. For example, he knows that his unwillingness to get up after sex at night and come upstairs to bed makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. It hasn't (and won't) change his behavior, though. I am going to point out one thing, which is that he has MS and a weak leg, and especially after sex, it is sometimes a challenge to walk for a while. But he can't fall asleep downstairs, either, because the alarm is upstairs and well, that doesn't really seem fair to our girlfriend... we don't want to make her sleep alone, and if he stays down there, one of them sleeps alone.

However, this was a situation in which I felt he COULD alter his behavior and do something to fix the problem. He chooses not to, but there's a solution. There's nothing he can do to make me feel more desired or wanted that I wouldn't question as inauthentic if he knows what I'm thinking. I don't want pity sex. Long before our GF entered the picture, when he and I had issues with his sex drive being lower than mine, and before I understood it wasn't about me, I felt insulted and unwanted and tried to explain this to him. Basically I *never* initiated sex. Maybe once out of every 10 times. I just couldn't handle the rejection... and when the topic came up, and it was like, okay fine, more sex, well... I didn't want his pity sex, and he didn't want to be doing it. So, it wasn't good for anyone and I learned to deal.

Now, I need to learn to deal again. I just haven't ever been in a situation where I watched my husband want someone else more than he wants me. Well, not really - when we were first dating and it wasn't exclusive, there was one girl (and I know way too much about that relationship because we were overly open and honest and it's haunted me since)... but that wasn't the same thing at all, because I wasn't involved with that girl (for the best since she was psycho), and he was using her to distance himself from me (he wasn't ready, she was a good distraction).

So, I don't know. I guess this might be one of those, "it takes time" things. I just am not sure I'll ever get over feeling unwanted and rejected by their lower sex drives (especially when they are choosing alone sex over all of us sex).

Ugh. I wish I could say, well, someday menopause might even the playing field... but I'm in medically induced menopause due to endometriosis, and one of the biggest side effects is a lower libido. You have NO idea how much I wanted to experience that one. Pathetic, I know.
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Old 09-01-2009, 01:32 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think XYZ123's advise is pretty good. You need to let your husband (and maybe your gf) know this. What you wrote up expresses your feelings and desires.

Maybe you should find an outside partner that has a high libido. In theory, as long as you have enough of yourself to go around and you are getting your sexual need met, everyone should be happier.
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Old 09-01-2009, 01:39 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default My heart hurts for you

Karelia,

From what you've written, I can feel how hurt you are and you have a reason to be. I will try not to draw any conclusions, as this is one side of a three-sided story, and I don't know you as a person, but I feel you are being treated unfairly, by yourself as well as your lovers. (but mostly by yourself!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
With either of them, the chance of me having sex later that night is nil. So, while I want them to have the right to choose to be alone, I struggle with feeling like it's a choice to not ALL be together... I know I want alone sex with each of them, and expect them to want it with each other. That's not the problem. Furthermore, I don't want to be taken for granted as a sure thing (though I absolutely am)... I want the right to choose one of them during alone time and say no to the other later that night. :
Earlier in the post you mentioned a sort of sexual starvation that had been going on for awhile. I know how that feels. It's terrible and really hard to be close to your lover if there is a block on physical manifestation of love for whatever reason. It seems you are right back to where you started- not getting enough physical interaction, but now with two instead of one, and having to deal with the fact that the ones you desire are not experiencing this with each other- something is going on here.

It seems to me there is more than a libido issue:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
1) He doesn't like having sex at night in the guestroom downstairs because getting up afterwards is annoying and inconvenient.

2) She goes to bed so early that sex at night has become virtually impossible. She has narcolepsy, so sleep is essential for her... though she's told us to just go ahead, at least on a weeknight, we are not willing to risk it.

3) I am learning to cope with not seeing as them choosing to not be with me when they have sex during alone time. I rationally accept and see this as true, but emotionally I still struggle, and alone time for them is a big stressor for me wondering "will they or won't they?" It's not even so much about if they do... the not knowing if they will seems to be the big issue. If I pretty much know they will or know they won't, I'm far less stressed while they have alone time.
:
....they give you defenses, excuses, turn it around on you and make you feel as if you have the "highest libido" when it is you who are being deprived of sex, while it seems they are having more sex than you are?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
I had been hoping I might have a chance tonight, which was foolish for me to think because he and I haven't had sex at night in over a month. So, the odds weren't good regardless of them being together. I was stupid to get my hopes up. I know that I need to assume they will have sex during alone time and that it means I won't get sex with either of them later that night. That's their right. It's their time, and if that's what they do with it, that's their choice. So, I was foolish and stupid to get my hopes up for at least two reasons.
:
Please don't think you are stupid or unreasonable or foolish- read this last part over- if this was someone you love saying this(and I hope it is)- wouldn't you feel compassion, feel that they were being unfair to themselves, want to help and build them up? wouldn't you see this as a situation that deserved to be dealt with? Well it is.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
I feel undesirable and unwanted. Everything else is fine. But this is a major source of emotional distress for me. I even found myself researching ways to lower libido, because the rejection is just so hard... and when you have the highest sex drive, you're always the one who is rejected.

I don't know why he doesn't want me. He'd say he does. Okay, so why he doesn't want me more, then. I think, sometimes, that my damn sex drive means that because I'm ALWAYS attainable, I get taken for granted and I'm less appealing. He can have me any night of the week. With her, his best shot is during that alone time.
:
This sounds like something you've been talked into- everything is fine, but yet you are in turmoil, and you're being told there's something wrong with you for wanting to be an equal party in this relationship- That's just wrong! You deserve to be heard, loved, nurtured, comforted, given time, and shown love in all ways in both of your love relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
The worst part is, I can't talk to him about any of this. I *had* to talk to her (left out the part about feeling like he wants her but not me, though the sex would make that obvious anyway) because she caught me crying after I found out they had alone time sex, and I needed her to understand I wasn't hurt or angry or upset by that... I was mad at myself for putting myself in a position to be hurt. But that's on me, not them.

I can't talk to him for two reasons... one is he recently asked me to not talk to him about things he can't fix. Well, he sure as hell can't fix this. Beyond that, what does it accomplish? I can't make him want me more. I don't have any magical "make them want Kari" pixie dust lying around (if you have some, please send it). If I tell him, it may even serve to make the problem worse... because he may feel less inclined to have sex since it's a source of stress and drama. Furthermore, the last thing I want is "pity sex."

So... since lowering my libido is apparently impossible, what am I to do?...
It's SO hard to not be able to talk to him... It hurts him to know he's hurt me - even unintentionally, and I don't see how telling him about this solves the problem. But he's been my best friend for 10 years... and I've told him pretty much everything in that time, so learning to parse my thoughts is a big challenge. It's somewhat easier with her... and all she's asked is that I not make her feel responsible for these sorts of things (hence the not telling her I feel like he's wanting her more than me, even though I'm sure that's what she thinks because, well... the recent evidence supports that). And in this case, I was able to keep my emotions controlled enough to tell her what the real issue was - so she wouldn't think it was me reverting to crazy and being upset that they had sex alone.

She's done a lot to ensure I don't feel that way, but she's a girl and I think she gets it more than he does.
:
This is the part that pisses me off the most. You are supposed to watch what is going on with them, deal with what is going on/not going on with you and both of them, and then not have a right to express your feelings because he can't fix it and she doesn't want to feel responsible? Bullshit. It sounds like you are doing your best to be understanding when there are things going on that are hurtful, torturous, and uncomfortable for you, but I don't detect any understanding coming back your way. I'll say it again- you deserve to be heard, no matter what is going on, and it's not ok for them to be carrying on like this and then denying you your feelings, the comfort of talking through ANYTHING you feel, making you feel isolated and unwanted.

You deserve to be taken seriously and respected. To hell with all this rationale. Talk to them and don't let them censor you! As long as you are being respectful and doing your best to honor them and their circumstances, you deserve to get the same back. Period. You are one of three people in this situation, and you all have the right to say exactly how you feel, right or wrong, and be listened to and loved.

You are not foolish and stupid, you are hurting, and I hope you can get them in the same room and tell them that.
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  #10  
Old 09-01-2009, 01:41 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Quath, we are poly-fi. I don't want anyone else, especially another man. The very idea makes me nauseated. In all honesty, I don't know that I'm *truly* poly... I fell in love, and so did they, but none of us expected or were looking for a triad (even she wasn't, having been there a few times and having been burned).
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