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Old 08-04-2014, 12:30 AM
ClockworkDragon ClockworkDragon is offline
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Georgia
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Default Guys who argue against protection

Is this something you've found to be common?

I've had at least two guys try to convince me they don't need condoms; one was being a douchebag, and was drunk; I eventually walked away, because this girl don't play that.

The other is an older man who *claims* he has a low sperm count, and offers an STD screen.

Neither are good enough for me. Some STDs can lie undetected and asymptomatic. And I don't care what you claim about sperm count; I have an IUD anyway.

Our condom rule is non-negotiable; unprotected sex is for my primary partner and me only. Even if someone is disease free, it's an intimacy we reserve for each other.

And frankly, I don't dare risk it.

So why can't a guy just respect that, and not try to convince me otherwise? It's ridiculous.
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Old 08-04-2014, 12:42 AM
DarthJMM DarthJMM is offline
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Posts: 42

It does happen, unfortunately. My wife and my wifey are co-primary partners, they're the only women I don't use them with. Wife and I agree that any new female would be a secondary for me and I would always use condoms with her. I used them with wifey until we decided she was co-primary and doesn't have sex outside the triad.
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Old 08-04-2014, 01:03 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Location: Crazytown USA
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I haven't had any experience with this other than a couple where the man was fixed so they apparently went bare back with anyone they met off craigslist eeeeeeeew. The men I met all wanted condoms, avoiding pregnancy being #1 reason. Quite a few women actually have offered to go bare back with Nate which we don't do but I question whi else they've made these offers to.

I go barrier free with both sam and nate. Sam only has sex with me and nate uses condoms with all others. He did go Barrier free when he was having exclusive sex with jane but they went back to condoms once she got a primary partner she wanted to go barrier free with.

Last edited by Inyourendo; 08-04-2014 at 01:06 AM.
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Old 08-04-2014, 02:30 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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My V has a closed/poly-fi arrangement where no one has sex with anyone outside our three-person group. We trust each other completely and forgo protection. Both men in our group are fixed.

Without that kind of security, I can see no reason why one person shouldn't respect another person's request for protection. It's not just about getting pregnant; there are STI's to worry about too.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 08-04-2014, 02:58 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by ClockworkDragon View Post
So why can't a guy just respect that, and not try to convince me otherwise? It's ridiculous.
Ridiculous behavior is not a gender deficiency, I assure you. I've had sex with women who insisted on barriers before I ever brought it up, and those who were sneaky and wanted to get me in them without barriers. It's a people thing, not a guy thing.

I find that I have better success with people respecting my health decisions when I state them clearly and without a question mark at the end, and when I don't leave these decisions up to people I don't know very well (because, why would I expect them to behave in a predetermined way?).
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 08-04-2014, 03:02 AM
Arius Arius is offline
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Posts: 69

We live in a rape culture. Men are taught to be pushy about "getting their way" instead of coming to a mutually agreeable understanding or respecting their partners' boundaries.

That is really not okay.

As far as I'm concerned - and I'm pretty sure this is also the law, in case that matters to anyone - having unprotected sex without your enthusiastic consent (to that specific arrangement) is sexual assault.

My first poly partner (who is now my ex-wife) and I had one firm boundary: use condoms with other partners. Her first time out, she had sex with a guy many times over the course of a weekend and never used a single condom. When I confronted her about it, she said that he just "stuck it in there" without asking and got testy about it when she tried to assert herself. I reminded her that, if he doesn't want to use condoms with her, he probably doesn't use them with anybody else.

Anyway, good for you for asserting yourself despite the pressure from these lousy men!

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Old 08-04-2014, 03:38 AM
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seeker2020 seeker2020 is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I've had sex with women who insisted on barriers before I ever brought it up, and those who were sneaky and wanted to get me in them without barriers. It's a people thing, not a guy thing.
Indeed. I've encountered some women who INSISTED against the use of condoms. I think there's a psychological thing for many people, connected with the idea of "giving oneself completely." Whether that's rational or not...well...that's another topic
"My eyes adore you, as the river flows confused and dim. I'll be burning in your water again and forever, washing away these sins." (Draco Rosa)
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Old 08-04-2014, 03:55 AM
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AlsoMary AlsoMary is offline
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I've run into the "I have a latex allergy but get screened regularly" excuse. Apparently this guy was unaware that our school's amazing alliance for sexual and reproductive justice hand out free condoms at our student center, including the non-latex variety specifically for those people with allergies.
- Mary Beth (Polynewb, Student, Panromantic, all around Pretty Sweet Geek Gal)

"Anyway, I believe I was born not to pass judgement, but to love." - Pablo Neruda (Nobel Laureate, Chilean, Communist, all around Cool Guy)
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Old 08-04-2014, 05:23 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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I've actually had a lot of interesting stuff happening in this department lately.

I have my husband, who I have been with for five and a half years. We started out using condoms and eventually moved to not using them once I cleared my body of HPV I had picked up during an irresponsible moment my freshman year of college. He and I have pretty similar safety standards, and mostly only require barriers for vaginal or anal sex, but not for oral sex. Neither of us are terribly promiscuous or given to engaging in sexual activity with complete strangers.

I also have a boyfriend that I have been seeing since about last September. He is one of those pushy types and has repeatedly violated boundaries of mine (initiating skin to skin genital contact without a condom even if he didn't insert) and has a history of lying to his wife about safer sex practices. He doesn't want to have discussions about standards for safer sex, and feels like everybody should just trust him to make decisions in their best interests. For a while, I considered fluid bonding with him, but after finding out about more deception by omission on his part and the fact that he refuses to have an adult discussion about it, have taken it off the table between me and him. He and his wife used to both be incredibly promiscuous, although they've both cut back on that a bit since we've known them as far as I can tell.

Now I have someone else I am getting close to. He and I have been romantically getting closer to each other for the past six months, and haven't had sex at all. His sexual safety standards are higher even than mine and my husbands, and we have had many safer sex discussions in the meantime. This particular guy has a lot of trouble with condoms in general, but has never once pressured me to do anything I wasn't ready for and has generally waited for me to come to him. He has had a very small number of sex partners over the course of his lifetime.

I think there is a difference between disliking condoms and pressuring your partners not to use them against their own comfort and disliking condoms and accepting the difficulty that might present to you in getting sexual partners on board with that. With the boyfriend I've been seeing since last September, it makes me uncomfortable because he doesn't seem to respect my wishes and boundaries, and only makes a show of doing so to get his way. He tries to get away with things whenever he can, and isn't above being dishonest in order to get what he wants. With the newer guy, I have felt extremely safe and comfortable, building a slow relationship over months before we ever move to sex.

This is causing some contention between my husband and me, because he wishes to keep fluid bonding exclusive to the two of us. I have told him that I do not want that, even before we got married and he told me that he'd still like to continue the relationship, knowing I would likely make that choice with someone someday. It isn't an easy choice for me, especially after having had an STD. Now that I feel I may be ready with the new guy, he is balking.

But ultimately I guess what I wanted to offer is that not everyone who hates condoms is a pushy asshole about it, although there are plenty of those. There are people who hate condoms who know how to be very responsible and respectful about it.
Me: Female, pansexual, polyamorous, relationship anarchist
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Old 08-04-2014, 05:51 PM
mischa mischa is offline
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Posts: 25

Originally Posted by ClockworkDragon View Post
So why can't a guy just respect that, and not try to convince me otherwise? It's ridiculous.
Setting aside the discussions about STIs and boundaries / decisions of each other, I know why guys want to have sex without a condom. I know this because I heard a guy talk about it in a podcast lately:


So his argument is that condoms suck, having sex with condoms doesn't feel as satisfying, and he hates having to go through the trouble of convincing ladies to NOT use a condom, apparently as much as you hate having someone try to convince you to NOT use a condom.

I agree with him that condoms makes sex less pleasurable, but I assess health risks more thoroughly than he does (his assessment is null).

So answering your question, that's why. Because of a more pleasurable experience.

Last edited by mischa; 08-04-2014 at 05:54 PM.
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