New to Poly

Hello, everyone. I'm Christian (name, not religious affiliation ) and I'm married to an amazing woman. We have been together for almost ten years, married nearly six, and non-monogamous for most of it. We started out swinging, swapping, having threesomes, and eventually playing solo in a purely sexual situation. My wife shared with me that, in order for her to truly enjoy open-marriage, she wanted to be able to experience emotions with another person. We talked, I gave it a lot of thought, and we decided to open our lives to a poly relationship. She's now met a guy and really likes him a lot. I'm here to chat with like-minded, experienced people in an attempt to quiet down some discomfort I'm experiencing with the situation now that it's real. What I really want is for my wife to experience all the happiness and joy she can. Unfortunately, I keep getting caught up in what I can only describe as fears and insecurities. Even though I know my they are unfounded, I find shaking them to be a very difficult task. Any and all advice is welcome.

Fear is a small form of a phobia (not saying you are phobic). Handling it is most easily done by facing it down.
Meaning that you don't avoid the trigger, but actually put yourself into it intentionally. With each "no damage" result the fear dissipates.

For example; someone afraid of water. You put them NEAR water. Then spend time talking about how NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. Really compounding and focusing on building memories of NOTHING IMPORTANT about being near water. You do that repeatedly until being NEAR water doesn't trigger fear.

Then you put feet in the water. Spend time talking about how NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. build those memories. Repeat until standing in water doesn't trigger fear.
Then go deeper. Etc (you get the picture).

If it's a full fledge phobia it's unlikely they will ever get to the point that they have NO emotion when going in water. But it will decrease exponentially with experience.

(I use that example based upon it being the one I had to face down).

They may experience a sense of nervousness going scuba diving for instance. But no longer experience a full fledge panic attack.

The same process can be used regarding relationships; the risk is, that you can't guarantee "nothing bad will happen".
What you can do is MAKE A POINT every single time you know she is in contact with the other person of talking to yourself "nothing bad happened." ESPECIALLY when she returns and is still loving and affectionate "see, she's still loving and affectionate, nothing bad has happened, this is new and I FEEL scared, but the fear is unwarranted". Repeat.

Another thing that may help is to remind yourself, feelings are like weather, they come and they go. But they don't always make sense.

When we feel fear or anxiety it's our internal warning system saying
"this MAY be dangerous, pay attention"

But our internal warning system can't say FOR CERTAIN. It's our job to use our brain and decide if it's ACTUALLY a dangerous situation.

So when those feelings hit, remind yourself; "yep, this feels dangerous because it COULD be and my body is telling me to PAY ATTENTION. So now I am paying attention and I see that in fact, she's just spending time with so and so-who isn't a threat to me. Thus I appreciate the warning but I'm not going to concern myself with it."
Even if the emotion doesn't go away-think of it like a smoke detector going off because the battery needs replaced. May take some time before you can replace the battery-but you aren't running to the phone calling 911 just because it's going off.

Thank you, Loving Radiance. I do like your approach. One of the more frustrating parts of this is that I'm very aware that my fears fall short on logic. I've spent the past few days upset with myself at having these feelings when I knew I shouldn't. I'll use your approach. I'll remind myself that nothing bad is happening and to just pay attention. Above all, I need to focus on enjoying my wife's happiness in this. Thanks, again. ;-)

Greetings Christian,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Do you know exactly what the things are that you're afraid will happen? Identifying the specifics behind a general feeling of fear gives us something to work with in determining what specific actions might reduce specific parts of the fear.

Many people have transitioned from swing to poly (or added poly to swing), and found the added emotional dynamic to be disconcerting. So you're not alone in this challenging situation. Just try to analyze the components of what you're feeling, and see if new solutions don't present themselves.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!

Hi, Kevin and thanks for the welcome. My main issue is just trying to accept the emotional connection between my wife and the guy she's seeing. I guess I do have the fear that the worst case scenario will occur and she'll split. Another issue I have is adjusting to the new relationship experience she's having. I can just feel the difference in how she interacts with me and, while I know it's part of it and I just need to go with it, it's very bothersome. I'm trying the approach suggested by Loving Radiance, but I'm always open to any and all input.

LovingRadiance gave good advice, I agree.

Is there anything specific that's different about how she interacts with you now that specifically bothers you? Keep probing and trying to ferret out details. Sometimes just putting stuff into words will help you to process it.

I admit that it's likely just a perceived difference (or a real difference that is simply normal in this situation), but while she's bouncing around giddy with delight, her hugs are don't seem as tight, her touch doesn't feel as meaningful. It's like I'm just her best friend that is supposed to share in her giddiness. I'm quite possibly reading way too much into it and just jumping at shadows.

Most people in a new relationship have NRE (New Relationship Energy), you could call it the honeymoon stage, and it acts like a drug and gives them a good buzz. It also impairs their judgment and makes them forget to take care of their original partner. Instead of giving *you* the attention you need, she's chattering excitedly about the new man in her life and barely remembering that you're in the same room. In this situation, it is okay to say to her, "Hey, I need some extra reassurance here, and also, it is hard for me to hear about how great this other guy is all the time. I'm not just chopped liver you know, I want some praise and attention." If you don't tell her, she won't know. She probably doesn't even realize you're struggling.

NRE usually lasts from six to 24 months. After that, she'll remember (without reminders) how much she loves you and you won't need to nag her so much. But while it's in her system, she'll need some reminders. Be courteous in your delivery, but be firm, and state what's on your mind. She needs to know. Chances are, she'll be apologetic and step up to the plate. Though I admit that there's always a risk in romance. Romance is like a fire, it can warm a room but it can also burn out of control. Your reminders to her are like efforts to keep it inside the fireplace.

You can do internal work as well. Such as doing a tag search for jealousy, and reading up about it -- how others have dealt with it, what works and what doesn't. I actually have a bunch of links regarding that type of insecurity; will supply them here if you're interested.

What you want to do is figure out what your own needs are, and negotiate with her on how to get those needs met. And yes, sometimes it's just the little things that we need -- things that seem silly to ask for. For there's nothing silly about it, everyone has these basic needs.

Emotions in general aren't logical. That's why we call them emotions and not thoughts/logic.

That method is actually the method used by professionals to treat people who suffer from excessive fear and phobias. OBVIOUSLY a truncated version, I didn't want to write a novel.

But it DOES work. It's NOT a fast process-but it DEFINITELY does work. Very well documented.

It does help to understand, that emotions are NOT logic. They serve a COMPLETELY different purpose. They are a warning system.

In Kodiak and Hawaii and I'm sure other places too, there is a "tsunami warning system". ALarms go off when there is a "potential" for a tsunami. The alarm means to go to higher ground blah blah blah.
BUT-there isn't a tsunami EVERY time the alarm sounds. But it does ALWAYS signal a need to pay attention, be cautious and consider the circumstances. And everyone knows-the first time you ignore it-muphys law-that will be the time it is ACTUALLY a tsunami. Right?

Those emotions are your bodies warning system. It means pay attention, consider what is going on, be consciously aware, don't "run on autopilot".

There's no point in beating yourself up because your warning system is working. It's not designed to be the decision maker. it's a warning system. AFTER the warning sounds it's your job to use your mind to consider what you have been warned about to decide if any course of action is required. THAT is when the logic comes in. Logic is used in making decisions about what the best course of ACTION is. Emotion is the warning that says "don't make the decision on autopilot, be attentive, fly this plane yourself-don't use the cruise control".

Thank you, again, Loving Radiance. Excellent explanation and, while I am pretty aware of my emotions and the cause, I've simply never thought of the warning system analogy. Great explanation.

Hey everyone. Sorry for more questions. I really hate feeling this confused and needy. Is it typical, during the NRE, for communication to drop a bit between the primary couple? During a normal day my wife and I have always texted or she'd call me during breaks. With the new guy in the picture, this has dwindled a great deal. She texts and calls him more often. Is this normal? If so, fine. It just feels like I'm losing part of her through this.

Thanks in advance.

Let's say I'm not surprised to hear that it's happening, but that doesn't necessarily make it okay. NRE impairs memory and cognition. Your wife could be plain old forgetting that texting and calling was something she used to do with you. If those calls and texts are important to you and you're missing them, then it's okay to ask her to be more faithful about doing those things with you.

Of course maybe calls and texts are equally important to the other guy, in which case I suppose her best move is to try to divide whatever time she has available for calls and texts 50/50 between you and him. And you have to try not to make a lot of comparisons, because it's basically impossible for anyone to deliver exactly 50%.

No problem about the additional questions, that's what we're here for.

NOXian said:

Hey everyone. Sorry for more questions. I really hate feeling this confused and needy. Is it typical, during the NRE, for communication to drop a bit between the primary couple? During a normal day my wife and I have always texted or she'd call me during breaks. With the new guy in the picture, this has dwindled a great deal. She texts and calls him more often. Is this normal? If so, fine. It just feels like I'm losing part of her through this.

Thanks in advance.

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My husband and his gf often talk more with each other throughout the course of a day than he and I do. But the way I see it is that I've had more than 13 years to build a relationship with him. They have not had that time. So it's completely OK and to be expected that they will want and need that time/space for each other. It's not taking anything away from me by allowing them the same thing I already had. Maybe instead of focusing on what you see yourself losing turn your thoughts around to what you are gaining. When we turn our thoughts positive it brings positive energy into all parts of our life.

It's pretty normal for a new relationship to take a lot of energy and focus for a person. For the partner that isn't experiencing it, it can be a scary thing.

It isn't unreasonable for you to ask for more communication from her if you feel she is shutting down completely, but keep in mind that she may just have a lower level of interest for a time (this can happen even in mono relationships when someone is starting a new job, picking up a new hobby, or hanging out with new platonic friends) and that it will likely not last forever. See if you can get her to communicate more with you, and try to start making plans for yourself to do something with your alone time.

Having been through NRE a few times with my more established relationship, I can say that yes the new shiny thing is fun to focus on and I don't want to dedicate quite as much time or energy to my established relationship. I still value the comfort and the companionship, and I'm comfortable with us having more space now than we used to when we were in our NRE phase. Her losing a little bit of focus right now doesn't necessarily mean you are going to lose her.

This is a great thread, one that definitely hits home. I've never been able to *cure* my jealousies. The best situation for me is the ability to openly share with all involved what I'm feeling, no matter how illogical or shameful those feelings my feel or sound. In a perfect situation, I can vent, be heard, understood and given space and freedom to feel those feelings, they need to run their course.

Hiding fears only builds more fear and more illogical scenarios.

My husband, SuperDave924 has been on the receiving end of many of my confessions. He hears me out. Gives me time to let it pass. Then, when I have similar feelings again, because they never go away for good, they just come for shorter visits

It helps to know you're not alone. I too beat myself up for, essentially being human and having emotions. Why do we do that?