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Old 09-07-2009, 03:07 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369

I'm sorry NotPolly. The poly lifestyle is really not for everyone. And it can be crushing when you love someone who is polyamorous knowing you can never be. But you probably did the best thing for the both of you. He is free to love as he is meant to and so are you. Neither of you would have been happy remaining in a relationship clouded with jealousy and pain. Please try to take comfort in the fact that being unable to accept his poly lifestyle is not wrong on your part if you are truly a mono person. I must commend him though on being honest from the beginning. None of this means he loved you less or you loved him less. Some people are just not compatible. Good luck to you in moving on and finding the love you are searching for.

If you want to share more of your story please introduce yourself in a new thread in the "Introductions" section. You'll get advice and support there, I'm sure.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.
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Old 09-07-2009, 03:27 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504


What do you ultimately want? It seems like you still want to be with this guy and maybe see yourself going back to him. Are you here to try to understand polyamory better in case that happens? Are you trying to find ways to deal with jealousy or want to understand his mindset better?

XYZ123 is right in that poly is not for everyone. Maybe you are not suited for it. What do you think?
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Old 09-07-2009, 03:42 AM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 29

Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
Discovering or realizing that love is what we are rather than something we need to get is one of the more essential or basic "mystical" experiences, and I think probably a lot of us in this forum have had that bell ring in their lives at some time or another -- and then we forget, the insight was had but the force of it dropped away. This would seem to be a common enough experience.

Perhaps all we need to do is to practice? That is, we may need to practice being love, rather than striving after getting it? Maybe this is how we can overcome this sense that there just isn't enough love?

Maybe questions are more important than answers? Students more important than teachers?
Ah! I'm glad someone here gets it. For me it started with a Satori and I hoped to find it again and then 2.5 years later the journey began...

I guess polyamory is the more extended search for that True Nature.

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
I haven't been trying to psychoanalyze you or tear you down or prove you wrong.

I know Its not the YOU - ME equation. Its the "analysis" v/s "experience". Can you describe love in words? No. It only means something to another person who has experienced it as well.. and can relate to it.. via the word "love". Hence, I fail to give you logical answers to what I cannot describe, and what I describe foes not fall within your or most peoples and even my former framework of understanding.

Its like talking Quantum Physics to an african tribesman (no dis respect intended).

I have been trying to understand what you are talking about and how you got there. And to do that, I present my feelings and ask you questions.

Yet you do not really respond to what is said coherently, nor answer direct questions with direct answers-from anyone. You instead make assumptions that others are somehow trying to prove you wrong, which we are not.

Unfortunately, not all questions have answers in words. In fact, I had tons of questions and still keep having. What's funny is when the experience happens.. the questions just vanish in thin air.. the mind chatter & doubts & questions.. dissolve... All u have is a feeling..

I respect and commend your efforts & commitment in trying to understand. almost anyone would be unable to give that answer to you in words. When you experience it ... the words will fall short when u begin to explain to others.

Funny thing is which is why.. when I have questions for the Master (or like most people had for their Masters.. ) he never gives a straight answer.. he makes you realize in an experience that is beyond words.

I've mentally complained at him for this.. But I realize

Last edited by OneSoul; 09-07-2009 at 03:44 AM.
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Old 09-07-2009, 03:43 AM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 29

Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
You write again about having been somehow enlightened but do not really add anything new or clear up what is being misunderstood.

Not enlightened, but I've begun to realize what I never did before. The unknown & unmanifested cannot be described. Even if I was to sit in person and explain to you unless you've experienced something close it would be hard. Getting through on the forum... probably tougher.

What I can do is.. make you god damn curious about it that you go looking for it... what you've really been lookin for ... more than everything you think you are looking for

JMartin - Care to lend a hand here ??

To be funny about it (and honestly not meant as a put down) you write in such a way as I spoke in my 20s when first trying ecstasy.

It is. You hit the bullseye. I've never had E, but I figure its like having natural E without the side effects... and you'd probably be unable to describe it to a catholic minister (no disrespect again) or soccer mom or grandma.

If you have experienced some spiritual awakening, then I'm happy for you. I have looked into the eyes of my child and experienced pure love and know I would love him even if he grew up to put a gun to my head. It is unconditional. However, I don't have to accept everything he does as a condition of my love for him. I help to shape his life and his actions and his reactions so that he is prepared for the hardships and relationships and dangers of the world. This doesn't mean I love him less, but in fact I love him more because I happily shoulder the weight of that responsibility. What you SEEM to be talking about is unconditional love meaning unconditional acceptance. And, as I said before, while I think that is a beautiful notion, I don't see it as leading to a lasting love. If you are only talking about love IN THE MOMENT, love that does not last, I have experienced such things as well where there is no thought behind the peace I feel. The beauty of a sunset, the joy of a cool breeze on a hot day, the smile of a baby, the yapping of a puppy.

But that, to me, is not true love. It is simply a passing moment of peace and joy.

// Someday, you will realize otherwise.

Appreciated for no other reason than its existence, but not the essence of love.

// Someday, you will realize otherwise.

When I love someone I want to hold on to them, to keep them but without possessing them. Holding on to love and possessing it are not one and the same. I do not love my child or my husband only in the moment they make me smile and forget them in the next. I love with all my heart all the time, even when they anger and hurt me.

- I never said that you shouldnt love them when they are crying etc.. I gave a comparative 'brings u into the moment of truth' example.

THAT, IMO, is the true measure of love. We may not mean such different things, but I do find you difficult to understand and, so, I can't really tell.
Your context of love is an 'action' & 'verb'. Doing.
The 'love' I talk about is 'your true nature'. There is no doing.

Your love is still defined as action & relationship between 2 separate parties.. the illusion of separation and the notion of 'doing' i.e. taking action.


Last edited by OneSoul; 09-07-2009 at 03:45 AM.
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Old 09-07-2009, 04:01 AM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 29

Originally Posted by NotPolly View Post
I have been seeing someone for the past six months in a sexual relationship with someone who told me from the beginning that he is not monogamous. I chose to ignore this and proceed with the relationship anyway. We had some great, fun times and he is very loving when he's with me. But every so often reminders of his polyamory would come up and I would then attempt to "break up" with him. (Inevitably and eventually I came back.) This weekend I encountered evidence that he is and has been seeing someone else all along, and he's bringing her on a trip with him next month. I am hurt and consumed with jealousy and have now broken up with him again, hopefully for good. I just can't deal with the lifestyle, though I understand why he is in it... it's just not good for me. It's crushingly painful for me and yet I know it will be hard for me to forget him and move on - though I need to. This is where I'm at right now.
Have you ever been in such an equation before? Probably not.

All I'll say is Poly is hard to come to terms with... It is a reality breaking paradigm.

I have barely begun to see why it exists and is so natural.

It may be NATURAL, but given double digit years of PROGRAMMING.. its NOT EASY to deal with based on our inherent programming & mindset.

All I'd say is, maybe moving on is what you should do. But, what if this is an opportunity to EXPAND your horizons and go through a tough patch of jealousy and insecurity to come out stronger and more secure.

Why do I say this? I have been through similar scenario. Left me very lost... unable to comprehend the conflict within..

Maybe if you were able to get to know the other person and form a TRIANGLE instead of a V, where the other person seems as if they are eating part of your share (jealousy) it might be where they are adding to the connections.

This is probably why I am curious to figure out how to get people to recognize the reality and naturalness of poly and the swing of feelings from poly to mono and back to poly.

Part of the reason I feel is that even in Poly, you can only be connected with one person at a time.. Truely connected.

You could be in bed with 2 women switching back n forth but you'd still connect only one at a time.

Which is why I am guessing a V can be a bit unnerving while a Triangle can become a circle of trust and increased love.

Either ways, good luck. Maybe if you had another add on lover you might not have been burnt.. in fact you might be lost in the ... omg which guy do I like / love really.. I cant see both of them.. or maybe in Poly u can
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