Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-29-2014, 03:53 AM
AlsoMary's Avatar
AlsoMary AlsoMary is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 9
Default

Hearing you guys remind me that people don't really care that much about my personal life is comforting, and I especially appreciate knowing honesty is valued.

To give more of an immediate and detailed worry: I am a member of a professional co-ed fraternity. Though the group is usually very open-minded and accepting (we have our fair share of amazing lesbians, gays, and transgenders, with one especially fantastic drag queen), there is a particular group of people that tend to... well, torture/bully me to be frank. I have also had the unpleasant experience of listening to a living room full of educated young adults bash on a mutual friend because she was poly.

But no matter what I do, that group is going to continue to bully me. So I'm thinking, why let that dictate my life? If I have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend and I want to invite both to a football tailgate or a social event at my fraternity (where I live in-house to boot), then who is to tell me no? I can always introduce them as my partners to the people I know and respect, and not waste my time with the rabble.

It's just still awfully scary knowing you're giving ammunition to some mean jerkfaces by being your awesome-self.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-29-2014, 04:22 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,357
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlsoMary View Post
there is a particular group of people that tend to... well, torture/bully me to be frank. I have also had the unpleasant experience of listening to a living room full of educated young adults bash on a mutual friend because she was poly.
This sounds like high school. Honestly I think a more relevant question you should be asking yourself and talking with a guidance counselor about is how to remove yourself from this toxic situation. Anything which could qualify as "torture" or "bullied" is well outside of acceptable behavior. That, and learning how to stand up for yourself... it sounds like you might want to get some therapy (and join a martial arts class).

As far as coming out as poly? I would say, not while you have a personality that allows bullies to kick you around. No one picks on me about my life choices because I won't stand for it.
__________________
Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-29-2014, 04:30 AM
AlsoMary's Avatar
AlsoMary AlsoMary is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 9
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
As far as coming out as poly? I would say, not while you have a personality that allows bullies to kick you around. No one picks on me about my life choices because I won't stand for it.
Oh my, I would say I have tried to stand up to them in the past, but these college aged engineering students are very much like high schoolers. Their tactics include gossip and social media. It is really quite shameful...

As for the "toxic situation," my fraternity has its fair share of good people and opportunities, and I've been working on focussing more on those positives.
__________________
- Mary Beth (Polynewb, Student, Panromantic, all around Pretty Sweet Geek Gal)

"Anyway, I believe I was born not to pass judgement, but to love." - Pablo Neruda (Nobel Laureate, Chilean, Communist, all around Cool Guy)
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-29-2014, 02:41 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,286
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChristy View Post
Many of my friends that are poly or involved in BDSM work for the federal government in some capacity. Many of them have had to do both polygraphs as well as background checks. if you are open and honest about multiple partners, BDSM, affairs, etc. the government does not care. If they find out you hid something they are more likely to have a problem with your lack of honesty.
This.

Hiding things is a huge no-no.
Although, from my experience, I've told a handful of coworkers (including a friend in our security department) about Chops being poly and in other relationships, yadda yadda, and it's not a big deal. If someone can use this information against you (you're really trying hard to hide it in order to protect yourself or something), then THAT's what they consider the risk.

The reason I really don't talk about the nature of the relationship all that much (with respect to work) is that it seems that anything other than the "norm" ends up putting the sexuality aspect of your relationship front and center in people's minds (oh, you're <fill-in-the-blank>? Mind wanders to what happens in the bedroom...), especially when, in my experience, people equate "poly" to "everyone has sex together."

I don't want that - I would find it completely inappropriate, and would be concerned that the respect people at work have for my actual WORK would be overshadowed by their wondering if I have to sleep in a king sized bed to accommodate multiple people (and I'm mono!).

Socially (outside of work), I'm more "if it's germane to the conversation" about coming out. I've had friends vilify Chops for "disrespecting me" and it's aggravating. At this point, I give less of a shit about that than I did (although I'm still tetchy about my extended family knowing, because THEY get protective too).
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, 2 kids (DanceGirl & PokéGirl), 2 cats, 1 house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly, divorced, 2 kids.
Xena: Chops' other partner, Poly. In a relationship with Shaggy
Choplet: Chops' son
Noa, City, CheeseGirl, Curls: In relationships with Chops
Shaggy: Poly, in relationships with Xena and Bunny

External blog || Local blog
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-29-2014, 05:39 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 11,342
Default

That really sucks about those bullying types. It would be completely unprofessional behavior of them in the workplace. But you're right, they'd probably find an excuse to torment you no matter what you did. So, you might as well be yourself, and let better people form a better opinion of you.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-01-2014, 02:11 AM
RichardInTN's Avatar
RichardInTN RichardInTN is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: East Tennessee
Posts: 101
Default

I find it funny (in a WTF???" way, not a "hahahahahaha" way) that it's even a worry that being poly could trigger a "morals clause violation"

How the hell is love (amongst consenting adults) immoral? I never understood that.
__________________
Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combination
I believe in I.D.I.C.
(Vulcans would LOVE {pardon the pun} Polyamory)
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-01-2014, 08:16 AM
OliverOwl OliverOwl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 23
Default

Thought I'd throw in my two cents C: While I completely agree with what everyone is saying about the fact that most people don't give a damn about your sex life I do have a story from thr other side as well. My partner Bok recently started seeing a co-worker (who very much wanted to keep things on the DL). While all parties involved were consenting adults when word got out it DID have an effect on the team dynamic. Probably more a case of "don't date in the work place" but he definitely did loose some respect.

I just finished uni in the sciences and I can say that that's where I found the MOST support. There will be assholes where ever you go xP
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-01-2014, 06:09 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 11,342
Default

Re (from RichardInTN):
Quote:
"How the hell is love (amongst consenting adults) immoral? I never understood that."
Not sure, but back in the "good old days," love between persons of mixed races was immoral. And I know there's still plenty of people who "know" gay love is (still) immoral.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-02-2014, 04:11 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,692
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
... scientists can usually be counted on to think logically. Discriminating against you for something in your personal life doesn't make logical sense. ...
Oh, Kevin - would that that were true! It may apply to some but my experience has been that scientists can be logical in their own field and completely irrational in areas outside of their field of expertise. Grrrr.

Example: Someone bought a winning lottery ticket at the store down the road. I watched two professional colleagues arguing about whether or not it was a "good time" to buy a lottery ticket at the same store. "It just hit - so it the store is lucky and we should buy it there." vs. "It just hit - so it won't hit again." I tried to point out that the odds of winning on a given lottery ticket are THE SAME regardless of where they buy the ticket - the numbers have no knowledge of prior events...They both told me I was wrong.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-02-2014, 04:43 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 11,342
Default

They both told you you were wrong?? Huh???

Are you sure they weren't playing some kind of a prank on you.

Jeesh, didn't they have to take any probability classes in college? If you've flipped a coin 100 times and it's come up heads every time, your 101st toss will then still have a 50/50 chance of coming up heads. Once the outcome of a random event is in the past, it no longer figures into a future event. If I'm an amateur, how come I have to be the one explaining this? (and I know I'm preaching to the choir ...)

[SMH] Scientists today, right?
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
career, coming out, discrimination, school

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:26 AM.