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  #11  
Old 07-28-2014, 06:25 PM
comoelmar comoelmar is offline
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I was not objecting to the use of barriers; merely to the "no big deal" attitude that accompanied the suggestion to start using barriers. Going from fluid-bonded status to barrier status would require some emotional processing, at least for me.
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  #12  
Old 07-28-2014, 06:34 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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I didn't intend to suggest that it was no big deal, just that it was an option and a very important one to consider if one has concern about their physical health and STDs.
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  #13  
Old 07-28-2014, 07:15 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by comoelmar View Post
I was not objecting to the use of barriers; merely to the "no big dede that accompanied the suggestion to start using barriers. Going from fluid-bonded status to barrier status would require some emotional processing, at least for me.
It wouldn't be for me. If someone proved to be untrustworthy then they don't get the privilege to be barrier free with me, simple as that.
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  #14  
Old 07-28-2014, 07:56 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
It wouldn't be for me. If someone proved to be untrustworthy then they don't get the privilege to be barrier free with me, simple as that.
My actions would be this precisely.
But I would be angry and upset that someone who had previously reached a level of intimacy with me-allowing for fluid-bonding, threw that away without talking to me about it first. So there would be emotional processing as well.

I actually have dealt with that, with Maca. His first "other woman" experience, they left the condoms in the drawer. Didn't use them. Suffice it to say, not only was I upset and her husband upset, so was GG. Because it put all of us in a position of having to reassess AFTER the fact.

If someone wants to take those risks, that IS there right. But once you have made an agreement with another person, you owe it to them to let them know before you CHANGE the agreement.
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  #15  
Old 07-28-2014, 10:39 PM
Tomcat27 Tomcat27 is offline
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This situation with my partner did hurt my feelings. The fact that she was defensive, and criticized me for being hurt shows me a side of her that could perhaps be associated with a bigger underlining issue. I didn't need her to apologize or say out loud "I was wrong", I just wanted her to comfort me since it made me feel kind of shitty. The good thing about us is that we let things pass, and luckily we treated each other well during the last few days she was still in the country. I had a strong desire to have sex with her before she left, but we didn't, or rather did not have penetrative sex.

She has already told me she does not consider me a primary, and that she does not want to compare relationships, or put one in front of the next. I understand and respect that, but after living together for five months, I started to think that I was closer to her than any other partners, since they were only around every once in a while, and some of them it seems only are interested in sex. I even formed a friendship with her family, and helped guide her through some important life decisions. In other words, I feel an authentic bond with her, and sometimes I think her values regarding avoiding comparisons between partners are hiding the fact that we have built a pretty strong bond, that could potentially last a lifetime.

Sometimes I think she is too young or inexperienced to realize what we have, and that her apathetic attitude towards such things is a result of culture and up bringing. But then of course I correct myself, and realize that there is no way that I can understand what is going on in her mind, and that people feel as they do, and that's it. Sure age and culture have something to do with it, but she is who she is, and I have to accept that. Maybe close bonds for her are scary, and she keeps distant as a defense mechanism in order to not get hurt.

All in all, We need to re-asses our boundaries, and communication is a key factor. I still love her, but I'm not sure if I'll continue to be so close with her if this is how it is going to be.
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  #16  
Old 07-28-2014, 10:49 PM
comoelmar comoelmar is offline
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I think you're thoughtful analysis is right on track, tomcat27. Best of luck!
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  #17  
Old 07-29-2014, 01:15 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I'm glad you're figuring out ways to deal with the situation. I have kind of been through something somewhat similar.

Back when Boy and I were for real dating, we stopped using condoms after a pretty lengthy discussion and about a month and a half of time to make sure we weren't just letting NRE drive our decision. We agreed we'd inform one another of new sexual partners and experiences with infrequent partners (he has someone who lives about 7 hours away that he is sexual with whenever they are geologically available). Well, he saw this person at one point, I knew they'd have sex, no big deal. The next day he called me and told me they'd not used a condom.

I was really hurt. That he didn't value going condom-free with me enough to think about it in the heat of the moment with such an infrequent partner. I wasn't MAD, though. It was his choice. He listened to my feelings. The hurt, feeling of betrayal, just general sadness. He felt extreme guilt. 4 months later, after testings, we got back to not using condoms. Then we broke up. ha. But, everything happens for a reason, and we're back to not using condoms even though we're in no way primaries or anything to one another. We just trust each other to be smart, admit any mistakes or choices that the other wouldn't agree with, and to accept going back to condoms at any time.
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  #18  
Old 08-02-2014, 01:08 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Condom use is actually one of only two "rules" that Rider and I have (the other being total honesty). It's actually more his rule than mine, since he's always had safe sex, whereas I have a history of eventually fluid-bonding with trusted partners. (I have a copper IUD, so the the risk of pregnancy is very small.)

I would be willing to fluid-bond with him (after both testing), knowing that he's staunch in his use of condoms with other people, but he's not interested. He said that unprotected sex is just not important to him, and he's terrified of even a minuscule risk of pregnancy, since he never, ever wants children (going so far as to actively dislike them).

Sometimes I miss unprotected sex, but it's the "price of admission" of being with him that I be safe both with him and with others, so I pay it willingly.

This was actually a main bone of contention between my most recent ex and me, when we briefly tried to reunite after I was already with Riderómy ex had become accustomed to four years of unprotected, monogamous sex with me, and completely lost his shit when I told him that we couldn't do that anymore because I'd promised Rider that I'd always be safe.

I'd never do it, because it's one of the only two ways that I could "cheat" on my partneróbreaking our agreed upon promise to each other. If having unprotected sex was something that was really important to me, I'd have to find someone else to be with.
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