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  #1  
Old 07-23-2014, 08:45 PM
rdos rdos is offline
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Default Multiple attachments

I'm just wondering how the attachments that people that have multiple partners work. As I perceive it, there are two possibilities:

1. The attachments to each of the partners are independent. This would mean that there are multiple independent attachments that are largely independent. Thus, if something good happens with one partner, this will mostly affect the bond with that partner and will not "spill over" to the others.

2. There is only a single attachment to multiple partners. In this scenario, if something good happens with one partner, it won't be associated with him/her, rather be a shared thing and thus would "spill over" to everybody.

Hope people know what I mean, and can describe which of these they experience. I'm leaning towards the second alternative which seems to match my experience best.
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Old 07-23-2014, 10:05 PM
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Not quite sure what you mean in item #2 by "single attachment." Are you talking about when one person is involved with more than one and all of them are also involved with each other?
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Old 07-23-2014, 10:57 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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There may be many different ways that people experience attachments, not just two. Take the the romantic/sexual out of it and ask yourself the same question with regards to other people that you form attachments with, for instance, your friends. Is each of your friendships entirely independent with NO spillover? Or do you have a "pool" of friendship attachment and all feelings are spread amongst all of your friends regardless of which friend generated those feelings?

OR, as I find true for myself, is each friendship/relationship largely independent but the feelings generated affect me personally and, thus, there is some "spillover" into other friendships/relationships? How much spillover depends on the type of friendship/relationship and how intertwined those individuals are with others that I have friendships/relationships with.

For instance, I was friends with two girls in high school that were also friends with each other - we tended to hang out together a LOT. When any of the three was out of sorts with another, it had a tendency to affect everyone to some degree. I had other friends that were NOT part of the same group - issues with my friendships with them didn't really affect the members of the "triad" friendship other than in the general sense of whether or not I was in a "bad mood" or a "good mood" (for whatever reason, not necessarily friendship related).
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  #4  
Old 07-24-2014, 08:13 AM
rdos rdos is offline
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Interesting reply.

Yes, I think there is always some kind of spillover even in the first case.

Maybe I should make it a little more specific. It seems typical that if you are together with one person, and then meets another person and get a crush on her, then the two attachments would compete rather than spillover. Eventually, people will chose just one of the persons and only keep one of the attachments, and leave the other one. At least that is how typical monogamous people seem to work.

However, I seem to be different in that regard. Not only does it appear that a new crush doesn't compete with an old relationship, but there seems to be extensive positive spillover between the two as well. Maybe that is because I'm polyamory?

Last edited by rdos; 07-24-2014 at 08:19 AM.
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  #5  
Old 07-24-2014, 03:24 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I normally don't find much competition or spillover between attachments. Other than increased libido all around when I'm being more sexual with one person.
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  #6  
Old 07-25-2014, 01:27 AM
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I just have one romantic partner but she has two romantic partners, me and her legal husband.

As far as I can tell, the two romantic connections are mostly independent of each other. Not much spillover, and any competition is in the past.

Me and the other guy are platonic friends, in case that's a relevant factor.
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Old 07-25-2014, 05:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rdos View Post
Maybe I should make it a little more specific. It seems typical that if you are together with one person, and then meets another person and get a crush on her, then the two attachments would compete rather than spillover. Eventually, people will chose just one of the persons and only keep one of the attachments, and leave the other one. At least that is how typical monogamous people seem to work.
It sounds like you're working from a scarcity model, that is, a person only has a limited amount of love and affection and must split it between all romantic partners. If this is true then it would seem that monogamy (serial or otherwise) would be best suited to meet your needs.

Granted, I'm kind of guessing that's what you meant. I have no idea what "spill over" is, but it sounds like a one-partner, scarcity oriented ideology.
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Old 07-25-2014, 06:22 AM
rdos rdos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
It sounds like you're working from a scarcity model, that is, a person only has a limited amount of love and affection and must split it between all romantic partners. If this is true then it would seem that monogamy (serial or otherwise) would be best suited to meet your needs.

Granted, I'm kind of guessing that's what you meant. I have no idea what "spill over" is, but it sounds like a one-partner, scarcity oriented ideology.
The part you cited do describe monogamy, but that is not the way I function.
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Old 07-25-2014, 08:21 AM
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Because I'm easily amused, mono vs. poly equations:



(Please excuse the heteronormative choice of symbols.)
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  #10  
Old 08-02-2014, 04:07 PM
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I think I understand what you're asking. My apologies if I'm way off base. I think you're asking if what happens in one relationship effects the other(s). Correct? If so, my answer would be yes and no. An example of how that would work in my life comes from something that happened yesterday. Bud tried to send Sweet Lady flowers at work to surprise her. The whole thing ended up a mess because he tried to do it online instead of visiting a local florist. When I got home from work he was bummed out because it went wrong. We talked about it, I offered to help if I could, gave him a hug and we went on with our evening. This morning he left bright & early to the local florist to get the flowers sent. I got to spend one on one time with the kids while he was gone. The negative from last night spilled over but so did the positive from this morning.

Even the negative wasn't anything serious because we all recognize that the other can & does love more than one person equally. By equally I don't mean the same. I mean that nobody is put as more or less important in the relationships. We all have equal standing with each other as far as love & commitment.
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