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  #1  
Old 07-23-2014, 05:27 AM
azorkanesbrat azorkanesbrat is offline
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Default Sex VS BDSM

Azorkane and I had a discussion the other day about BDSM activities... vs sex.

In his mind - they are on the same playing field.

In mine - they aren't. There are certain things I'll allow just about anyone do to my body (flogging, scratching)

But stuff that's more "sacred" - I don't offer up to anyone - entering my body with parts of theirs, the sexual side of things - those things I reserve for a special few.

I don't see someone flogging me as sexual. I don't see someone tying me up as sexual.

But... there was one scene... yeah - it was sexual even though we didn't have sex, he never undressed, and my genitals were completely covered.

So I'm sorta on the fence... is bdsm on the same level as sex to you?
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Old 07-23-2014, 05:45 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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BDSM is on a higher level than sex to me.

Where I would be ok with a fwb, I would never be willing to submit to a random person.

I have on M. Period. I'm not poly in my BDSM activities.

So I guess for me it would be something like this:

acquaintance>friend>lover>partner>M

Anyone can be an acquaintance, less people can be friends, even less will ever be my lovers and even less will become long term partners. Only one has ever been able to be My M.
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Old 07-23-2014, 06:10 AM
poly6 poly6 is offline
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Oddly enough for me they are one in the same on the playing field. If I trust a woman enough to penetrate her then I probably trust her enough to her dom/master ect. Likewise if I trust her enough to say peg me then I trust her enough to be her sub/slave ect. The thing for me is there's no rope or ladder or anything just sexuality in general. Since I have high standards for who I trust enough to engage in any sexual activity whatsoever in my standards are about the same for them all but all at the same height so for me it works. I don't trust very easily.
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Old 07-23-2014, 06:25 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I'm not much into BDSM on a regular basis, but it is definitely something that requires A LOT more trust than "just" sex. I'll have sex with almost strangers. I wouldn't let an almost stranger tie me up, beat me, or anything like that nor would I be comfortable doing so to an almost stranger.
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  #5  
Old 07-23-2014, 08:33 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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The same? No.

But very closely related, in fact more overlap between the two than plenty of people admit.
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  #6  
Old 07-23-2014, 12:57 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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They aren't the same to me but im very vanilla and don't do that stuff anyway
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  #7  
Old 07-23-2014, 01:10 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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My BDSM is sexual but that does not mean that all of my scenes are. The two are closely linked for me. However, I've met people who thoroughly separate them. That works for them and it is all good.
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  #8  
Old 07-23-2014, 03:19 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Having been in the lifestyle for over 2 decades, had several long-term functional relationships, and even conducted seminars, I'd agree with opalescent and Alleycat.

Is it possible to have entirely asexual BDSM scenes and relationships? Absolutely. Can sex be a primary part of a scene or contractual relationship? Absolutely.

It's all in what you negotiate
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  #9  
Old 07-23-2014, 07:09 PM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
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I have been involved with BDSM prior to being poly, and was actually doing BDSM stuff prior to even losing my virginity. I also engage in BDSM with both of my partners, and have had some very steamy scenes without sex, that I would certainly say are sexual.

That being said, BDSM isn't always sexual for me. Occasionally I will engage in casual BDSM play with people that are not my partners. If it is the first time we are playing, there is often not a sexual energy component to it for me. I still have fun, but it can be just a spanking, rope scene, etc.

I have noticed some people in BDSM have a much harder time separating BDSM from sex, and if that is how they prefer to play, that is fine. But these sorts of people seem confused when I do not want to have sex or oral or whatever I consider a more sexual act allong with BDSM. To me, sexual play is something intimate and special that I save for my partners.
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  #10  
Old 07-24-2014, 08:58 PM
claire2 claire2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
BDSM is on a higher level than sex to me.

Where I would be ok with a fwb, I would never be willing to submit to a random person.

I have on M. Period. I'm not poly in my BDSM activities.

So I guess for me it would be something like this:

acquaintance>friend>lover>partner>M

Anyone can be an acquaintance, less people can be friends, even less will ever be my lovers and even less will become long term partners. Only one has ever been able to be My M.
This is how I feel, too. Submitting is not just a little fun on the side for me, it's deeply emotional and psychological and incredibly intimate, whether penetration or orgasms are involved or not. Psychological submission involves an incredible amount of trust for me, and the power exchange and sharing of these powerful emotions is in no way casual.

Now, addressing the OP, is flogging a sexual act? Hmmmm. For me it is. The brain is the biggest sex organ, right? Flogging does something to my brain. And then my body. One time my Master and I were at a club and it was BDSM night. He allowed another man to flog me. But I had eyes only for my Master during that time and thanked HIM for the flogging, not that guy who did it. I'm not sure I ever even looked at him.

It must really depend on the person, of course, because I've read of "play partners" that are completely no strings attached. That's just not me.

Hmmm. This was pretty fun to write. I think I'll beg for a flogging this weekend.
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