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  #1  
Old 08-29-2009, 07:15 PM
lvfcs lvfcs is offline
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Default some advice needed

I was reading other posts, and was impressed on how many similarities are on peoples experiences, some sound so familiar, you are left wondering if is not your own story I'm new to this and as any newbie I'm scared of making mistakes that would hurt those I care for.

What brings me looking for advice is my difficulty on handling how our relationship is now. My boyfriend and wife have been together many years, and started on this just as me, or because of me. But him and I betrayed her trust at the beginning on a single occasion. We all have past trough many situations since then, and have found understanding and forgiveness, but I feel that's something that would haunt me always.

Right now I feel like I can not complain about how it makes me feel that all the times we are together she has to be part of it, when they do get to have time for only them. We try to communicate all the time, but I feel I will have no real say in the matter.

I feel very deeply for him, but I can not help having doubts. Perhaps it's just that I'm not cut out to this sort of relationship?

Any advice would be very welcomed.

Thanks * Lory
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  #2  
Old 08-29-2009, 07:28 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Welcome.

It doesn't seem fair that you and he don't get any quality time alone when you say you've all put the one act of betrayal behind you.

Are you in a triad (the three of you have a relationship together) or a V (he has a separate relationship with each of you)? Do you spend time alone with her? Have you tried speaking to her about this one on one?

If you are not getting what you need from this relationship it feels more like you're being used to enhance what they have rather than being treated as a separate person with needs and desires of your own. You're being almost forced into the "unicorn" role to be with him when you may not wish to be their unicorn.
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  #3  
Old 08-29-2009, 09:54 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Hi and welcome to the forum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
Right now I feel like I can not complain about how it makes me feel . . .
Why do you feel you do not have a right to be heard? You may be the newest member of the triad, but you didn't cede your rights as a feeling, thinking individual when you became involved with them, did you? You count too. If they love you, they respect you and value your happiness and well-being.

As for past hurts and betrayals: forgiveness frees all parties involved. Learn from the experience, resolve to do better in the future, and give yourself permission to grow past it. If you and he betrayed her trust, you cannot change that. But it sounds like that's not all the history you have together. Have the choices you've made since that time sought to heal what was damaged and regain what was lost? If so, look at the bigger picture and give yourself credit where credit is due.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
I feel I will have no real say in the matter.
You have a right to have a real say in every matter that effects your life, unless and until you give up that right. In fact, as an adult you have the final say over your life. You also have a right to be respected as a person and to expect that your thoughts and feelings are respected, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
I feel very deeply for him, but I can not help having doubts.
What are your feelings for her? What are your feelings about the whole situation?

It sounds as if perhaps you're putting up with being treated as "less than" for the sake of your feelings for him. If that's the case, only you can change things. And you do that by: 1) deciding what you really want, and 2) making a plan to get it and, 3) putting your plan into action. I know it sounds pretty simple, but in many cases I've learned the hardest part is actually deciding what I really want.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

Last edited by Fidelia; 08-30-2009 at 02:40 PM.
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  #4  
Old 08-30-2009, 03:25 PM
lvfcs lvfcs is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post

Are you in a triad (the three of you have a relationship together) or a V (he has a separate relationship with each of you)? Do you spend time alone with her? Have you tried speaking to her about this one on one?
Thank you XYZ. I'm on a V, only it is not as separate as it might be. I'm an hetero, so even if sexual encounters (and any other kind) are with all parties present, there's no interaction between her and I. That's something she has requested to enter on a poly relationship. So, even if it is unfair to me, am I supposed to accept it because it's a requisite to begging with? I'm not sure how the boundaries work here.

I have not tried to broach the subject with her because I'm not sure if I'm just trying to rush her on accepting things she must not feel ready, or I'm just afraid she might call a halt and I would loose him for good.


Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
You're being almost forced into the "unicorn" role to be with him when you may not wish to be their unicorn.
I honestly do not want to be anyone's unicorn, no matter my feelings for him.


Your insight on how it might look from the outside have helped me a lot! The difficulty about beggining on polyamory is to define what's 'right' or 'wrong' or what's 'normal' or not.
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  #5  
Old 08-30-2009, 03:38 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I'm going to be a judgmental ass right now, but I couldn't help reading between the lines so here I go:

Does this man have anything to say all by himself? Judging from what you DON'T say, as opposed to what you DID choose to say, *I* would have to say that your boyfriend needs to grow a backbone and participate mentally as an adult in this, and stop putting you and the other lady in the awkward position of competing for his attention. I will go out on a limb and suggest that he enjoys this on some levels.

That's enough non-sugar-coated commentary from me for now.
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  #6  
Old 08-30-2009, 03:59 PM
lvfcs lvfcs is offline
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Thank you Fidelia. Your words have me reflecting on how I've been acting, and why I've been keeping it all inside.

You are right, the hardest part is to decide what it is that I actually want, I'm still debating this with myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
What are your feelings for her? What are your feelings about the whole situation?
Between her and I there's a growing friendship. I care for her, and do not want to jeopardize this balance by pushing and demanding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
It sounds as if perhaps you're putting up with being treated as "less than" for the sake of your feelings for him.
Perhaps this is just me and it's a missconception on how it really is, but being the new one makes me feel as if my relationship with him and her relationship are not equal. They are the ones that have years and history together, they are the married ones that had to agreed on opening their marriage. And she calls the shots when it comes to how much him and I can do. Is this something every new party has to accept, or do I have it all wrong?
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  #7  
Old 08-30-2009, 11:20 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
And she calls the shots when it comes to how much him and I can do. Is this something every new party has to accept, or do I have it all wrong?
I'll be honest with you, as a married woman, if we opened up to a level where my gf (I am bisexual and was the one at the center of the V) were to be sexually involved with my husband, I'd want to call the shots too. BUT...I wouldn't want to do it in a way that made her feel "less than". It would have to be a sit down with the three of us to discuss everyone's comfort level. She wouldn't be left out of the communication and then simply have the rules dictated to her later. As a V we did this often and her voice was heard and our boundaries as a couple were redefined.

You are an individual with just as many rights and emotions as the two of them. You have a right to know why the rules are in place, express your feelings on them, and ask for what you need. You all need to communicate together for this to work.
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  #8  
Old 08-31-2009, 04:09 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
You are an individual with just as many rights and emotions as the two of them. You have a right to know why the rules are in place, express your feelings on them, and ask for what you need. You all need to communicate together for this to work.
Hear, Hear, XYZ. I couldn't agree more.

And if any of the rules aren't working for you, LV, you have a right to discuss them. And renegotiate your agreements. And/or decide for yourself what you want to do about it.
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  #9  
Old 08-31-2009, 06:47 PM
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River River is offline
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The essence of what I want to say here is that polyamory is probably not going to be workable between people who treat people as scarce resources in need of resource allocation protocols. Polyamory is centrally about love and loving, and loving people means treating them very, very well -- as best as we can. And hoarding time or "love" -- or people -- as a scarce resource acquisition procedure is ... utterly absurd. People who are involved in such a dynamic need to wake up and get out of it.

If some husband, wife, parner..., girlfriend or boyfriend..., just doesn't get it and has a tendency to hoard seemingly scarce love/time/whatever... within a supposedly polyamorous (multiply loving) situation ..., they clearly don't know how to dance the polyamory dance, and no amount of Rule Making or posting of rules on walls will sort out that mess.

Basically, love and be loved -- and stay away from those who will turn "love" into a cage, or a treasure to protect in a bank vault. Alternatively, you can hope that the treasure-keeper will change his/her ways. But I'd put a time limit on how much time is worthy of devotion to this hope.
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Last edited by River; 09-01-2009 at 04:50 PM.
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  #10  
Old 08-31-2009, 06:58 PM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
.... My boyfriend and wife have been together many years, ....
Natuarally, I had to read this several to many times before I realized that you don't have a boyfriend and a wife, but that your boyfriend has a wife.

Perhaps saying " ... my boyfriend and his wife ... " would make it more clear?
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