This is killing me, but I might need to break up with Ginger

Because of:

His raging affair with not just Carla, but David too. One-on-ones with both, multiple threesomes also. He sees one or the other or both of his new lovers (a married couple), like, every other day. My heart is breaking and I am depressed.

I feel betrayed. And the things he says! I can't even share details here-- it feels too personal, to share the awkward hurtful things he says to me.

I can not stand the rapid pace and raging NRE going on. He is hurting me again and again. It feels like emotional abuse. I feel so untaken care of. I don't love him anymore.

Crap; I don't know as much detail as I should but I'm thinking you and Ginger have been together for quite some time and so this is a very big deal and a traumatic feeling to be thinking you might need to break up with him.

The only words of wisdom I can think of is that I know firsthand how blinding NRE can be. It really needs to be handled carefully. Seems like Ginger is completely caught up in it, and not even noticing how badly it's affecting you.

Sorry this is happening.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Dear, dear Mags, don't make a decision like that while your emotions are running high. You're in the midst of reacting to things that are happening, which you just don't like ("raging affair?").

Now is not the time to make important decisions!

Ginger told you his life would fall apart without you, and you know he loves you. I think the stuff you're going through needs to be ridden out, even though it may feel really shitty for a while. This is mostly internal work you need to do, I think, and ending your relationship won't solve any of that. Be gentle with yourself - you seem to be really afraid of all the changes going on.

Thanks, Kevin. I appreciate it. You can read up on my blog since about mid May, and/or read my previous thread on the specifics of the last couple months.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69777

NYCindie, this has been going on for 6 weeks. I have felt sick inside for 6 weeks. It is making me clinically depressed. My life is grey. It's his Asperger's. It's his post op, less than ideal health. He keeps doing and saying awkward things, that just hurt me over and over and over again. He is doing a really bad job of helping me to feel good, or even great, about these 2 new relationships. I can't take it. I am considering going on a SSRI, it's that bad.

He thinks all he has to do is fuck me (when he isn't fucking them) and I will feel fine. I feel like I am fucking a stranger.

My mom lived with my Aspie dad for 50+ years, and he frustrated the hell out of her on a regular basis. Do I think this is all I deserve in a man? Another guy with such lacking social skills I feel like we are from different galaxies?

Magdlyn said:

I can not stand the rapid pace and raging NRE going on.

Click to expand...

I hope you can find a way to get some peace for yourself so that you can clear your head and go at this issue with a calm posture (easier said than done).

I know none of the advice I could give would be helpful (so I won't offer it), but know that I'm rooting for your happiness.

Big hugs, Mags... I'll PM you after the kids get to bed (whenever they FINALLY get to bed). I agree with NYC - emotions are high. If you can take a step back and let the emotions settle before making a decision, that may be best.

The fact that you understand it's his Aspergers, but still questioning if you can do it tells me that you know where the issue lies, but you're agonizing over whether or not you can keep going anymore. I don't know, but I know you're human, and maybe the answer is yes (if something clicks or gives), and maybe it's no. You're cared for, and you're a good person either way.

Again, hugs. <3

I read your thread from that link; I can see that this has been an ongoing struggle for awhile.

Perhaps instead of breaking up there is just taking a break for awhile? not seeing him for a few months (or some other amount of time) and then reevaluating if you're still feeling the same way?

Not sure what the best answer is.

Living with an aspie primary, I know the pain of his total focus on another person or even computer. It is daunting. They do not intend to hurt, but they do. I am especially concerned with miss pixie going away, with your coping.

I believe that you can only deal with what you can deal with. Only you know your limit of hurt. Personally, it seems Ginger has been going through more people then your comfortable with for a year. Also, it seems like Carla and David came into your safe zone, aka this site, in a questionable way. The Google search no one else could find.

With the Aspie issues, the disruption of your routine, it appears breaches in agreements, do you feel they are cow peeps? NRE is brutal, with Asperger's thrown in, you have the right to say I am out, for now, forever. You need to take care of you first. Grieve for the change can be depressing. Do a lot of self care, including cutting out things like daily good nights, that are important to you, but not Ginger die to his Shiny New Relationships. Hugs, Mags.

I think a relationship is over once you can no longer be happy when your partner is ensuring that they are happy. I read your blog and from what it seems, the things Ginger needs to feel complete and happy only hurt you. I don't think either of you should have to sacrifice anything that you need. He needs multiple, free flowing relationships and you need something that resembles polyfidelity from the things that you've said. Maybe parting now, as friends, gives you the best chance of a positive future.

If you are done? You are done.

There really is not much else to say. It has been going on while. You sound like you are past your limit of tolerance. If you cannot stand it? You can choose to stop.

I do not see the point in staying if you are not in love, feel abused, and are not happy here. I would end it and move on to healing.

I am so sorry. I can see this is not fun or easy.

Galagirl

Just the fact that he could go on to have that date with them last night, which consisted of lying in his loft bed with them, having sex for a couple hours, while knowing I am home crying my eyes out... How could he even focus on them?

I sure couldn't do something so cold. What kind of a human being IS he???

He came online to chat me at 7am today. He said is afraid I am going to leave him. Last night I took him off my Fetlife status. I had changed it from "lovers" to "it's complicated" with him over a month ago. Last night while he was with his new partners I took him completely off. Somehow he noticed this before chatting me today. He's checking FL before saying good morning and seeing how I am?

By the way, Pixi has not had sex or cuddles with him in the past 2 months. So, he's not just choosing C&D over me, he is choosing them over her, as well. Trading in one triad for another. No, Ginger, you are not able to handle TWO goddam triads (plus a wife) at once. How much of a stud and emotional expert do you think you are? Jeez, it's almost laughable.

My Aspie primary can be the same. Mine does not see the ripples of his actions. Unless I said to him, I need you to be with me tonight, period, he wouldn't see what the results are. Mine needs me to explain, you're hurting me, breaking agreements, and I am at the point that the pain I am in being with you is worse then the grief of losing you. Your words mean nothing now. Only time and consistent behavior can change this. Believe me, I have said this. He made his choices according to his needs. I think you need to put it plainly out there, because your grieving terribly now.

Ginger appears to be taking care of himself. I doubt he even realizes your signals. Did you tell him you were considering leaving him, or leave him to figure it out? Put it out to him. He isn't an emotional genius.

I think you need to be very clear about what you need/want from him, clear with yourself and him, but focusing only on your relationship with him, not his relationships with anyone else. If he is able to step up and meet your needs, his other relationships wouldn't be as much of an issue for you, and you likely wouldn't be judging him as harshly as you are right now.

Magdlyn, I'm so sorry you're struggling and being hurt by this right now. It definitely sounds, from what you're saying, like Ginger isn't able to effectively and equitably manage both triads plus his marriage.

Note that "equitably" does not--to me, at least--mean "everyone is treated exactly the same", but more "everyone feels that they are being treated with equal fairness and consideration."

If you feel that you need to end things with Ginger for your own happiness, then that's what needs to happen. He may love you; it sounds from what you've said here and in other threads that he does. But in a situation like this, *you* are the one you need to put first.

Take care of yourself and do what you need to do. You matter, and I hope you find a resolution.

I am so sorry you are struggling right now.

Focus on the people who ARE there for you, like Miss Pixi.

Oh, I'm really sorry for you. I'm in lurking mode, barely on the forum lately, but this caught my eye. I'm really sad for you and I hope that you find toward health and happiness in whatever fashion works best for you...

Thank you, everyone, so much, for your comments and suggestions and support and sharing.

Well, I sure learned a few things today. Ginger didn't want to continue to discuss my hurt over his last night's date online, so I let him come over right after breakfast.

First thing learned: when I am very hurt or angry, my instinct is to retreat and lick my wounds. I don't want to see him in person, I don't want to touch. But, retreating doesn't really help. If we lived together, I wouldn't be able to retreat so fully. Since we live apart, I have to give him permission to come over, or make an effort to go to him. Today, I just let him come over. He offered to spend the day with me, talking, and later taking me swimming at his town lake, which is open and free after 5.

Second thing learned: I HATE how the huge majority of his dates with these two have been last minute. I.e., I find out less than 24 hours, usually at most 4 hours, last night 30 mins (!), ahead of time. I guess C&D are last minute planners. I told Ginger this is no good. Some people might not mind, but I do. One of the reasons I am good with miss pixi dating is, I almost always know about her dates at least 2-3 days, and often a week or two, ahead of time. I like to have some warning. I told Ginger I have realized this, and he said, You are not Aspie, why do you need a solid 24 hour (preferably more) warning? I said, I like to have some structure and routine too! heh. It's not just Aspies that like this.

Third thing I learned: even though Ginger has a wife, has me, has miss pixi, he doesn't feel he gets enough sex or cuddling. He feels he really only has me for that, as miss pixi, and especially his wife, provide very little or sporadic sex and cuddles. Now, in a good week, Ginger and I have 3 days a week together, and always have lots of sex and cuddles on those days. But I also get lots of cuddles and some sex with miss pixi in the course of an ordinary week too. He can't count on getting that. So, he admitted one of his motivators for dating is to find another regular sex/cuddles partner.

Fourth thing I learned: new to me, though he swears he told me at least 3 weeks ago, David has made a rule Carla may NOT go to see Ginger alone!!!

I had not been aware of this! David has been up and down the newbie poly rollercoaster, and has come to the point where he won't let Carla date or have sex with Ginger one-on-one! Ugh. What a noob idea. He thinks he can prevent his jealousy by being present for all the sex. (Or, like last Thursday, go have one-on-one sex with Ginger, man to man. That's OK.) But since their threesome of last night, he found even being there wasn't enough to prevent feeling like a third wheel. Also, I found out he and Carla first opened their marriage to just let her have sex with someone else. There weren't supposed to be FEELINGS involved! Just sexual attraction and sex! Oops. Darn those feelings.

So, Ginger and I had exhaustive talks. No sex. We talked, we ate lunch, we even took a nap together in bed (with no sex! amazing for us). We got up, we talked some more, then we went swimming. And the swimming was the icing on the cake. I love being in the water so much. I felt almost normal during and after our swim.

Tomorrow we are going to continue to bond and take a little canoe trip on that lake.

Continued--

After the swim, we both went to our homes. Ginger immediately found David online and told him 1) He'd like to take a week break, not see either of them for sexual intimacy. 2) He'd like their future dates to be planned enough ahead of time to give me at least 24 hours notice.

David agreed to both these requests.

We are all invited to a 4th of July party and I can talk to both Carla and David there. I have never met David, and it seems Ginger thinks it would do us good for me to go on a walk with David for some frank talking. I'd prefer all 4 of us to talk, but they will have their little kids there.

I'd like us all to get together to talk, but that is hard to plan. Unless they all come to my place, there is no comfortable spot to meet. Ginger is still post op and unable to sit in, say, a coffee shop chair or on the ground at a park. His cabin is too small for four to sit. I don't know if they'd offer their place to meet, and that would necessitate getting the kids out of the house too.

So glad you had the face-to-face time. I also find that communication goes much better F2F - online is a terrible substitute, especially when emotions are running high. *I* like to believe I'm wonderfully articulate, but what gets heard isn't always what I'm trying to say, so the evidence isn't in my favor.

I'm glad you're on the path to finding something that'll be workable. Fingers crossed with the meeting with David.