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  #11  
Old 07-01-2014, 09:33 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I am sorry for your loss, of your own baby and now your partner's. Even though you both chose to terminate, it can be an extremely fraught decision for some. I wish you peace.

As for triads... those are very very tricky to negotiate. Especially since you had her move in from a ways away so soon. Living together is much much different than dating. We have a ton of threads here on triads. Do a tag search for "triad" and also "unicorn" "unicorn hunters" and "secondary."

I don't know enough about the dynamics of your triad to offer suggestions. Outside of the pregnancy issue, how do things work for you? Household decisions, chores, child care, finances, bed/room and sex sharing, dating, vacations, degree of "outness" to family, friends, at work, etc etc?
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  #12  
Old 07-03-2014, 06:54 AM
YuriRyouko YuriRyouko is offline
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@central My husband and I have a child together. Years ago there was promise of having another child when she became 5 and obviously that has not happened yet. I am not doubting the issue of my being upset that she was the one who wound up pregnant and not me. But, due to the fact of her not keeping it and us not having another child when my youngest turned 5 is due to the fact of not being financially ready to have another.

But, unfortunately this is not the only time a pregnancy issue has happened. It happened with one of the crazy females we tried to develop a relationship with before and it was a night of drunken sex (where she waited until I left to have sex with him again with no protection while he was in a drunken stupor). So, there are a few underlying issues that could be effecting my anger issues, trust issues, etc.

@mmkeekah That is what I would have liked is that she sat down with us and talked to us when she found out. (she says she wasn't hiding the results she was just thinking of how to go about telling us) My thoughts on it is that when she first got here things were decent and cool. We were feeling each other out, but it was like the beginning of any new relationship. Her and I talked alone a bit the other day and she was telling me how some of the hugs and nudges and nuzzles she gives him is not because they are lovers or he is her master, but it's because they are friends. And she said that it's hard to be lovers with someone if you are not friends first. (Can we say a shot straight to the heart )

So, playing devil's advocate with myself......I feel that I have been played and fooled in this situation to a certain point. This is supposed to be a triad that involves us all with him getting his master/sub fix and me getting a girlfriend/ bestie/ good friend fix and it seems like I have been tricked into this at least with her because I have wanted a triad for so long.

I would reveal this to him and her but he has literally told me that I play the victim too much along with some other things. He even had me read this article (https://www.linkedin.com/today/post/...hem?_mSplash=1) to show me the error in my ways. But, if I go into everything that is an issue with me and what I really feel.....I feel he will do the same ish he does all the time which is explain stuff away or make it seem not significant...or my issue or problem only and like I am inconveniencing everyone. Him and I have been through too damn much. We have known each other since we were 5, our grandparents live next door to each other. We have been together almost 12 years....married almost 2. I have even said if I change my mind about her or if I said I wanted to end it how would you feel? He told me he would be very angry and pissed because he brought her here because I liked her and wanted her and she up and moved to come here and he wouldn't end it.

@Magdlyn I would like everything to be equal. Bills are supposed to be equal and all but that is hard when one person makes a whole bunch (that's me) and the other two are on the lower end (retail of some kind)...so I'm the one footing the most money on stuff. She loves to cook and clean whereas I have moods when I like to do that but she does it all the time because it helps her anxiety. But, since this pregnancy issue and all to me it seems like she gets more attention or she shows him more (which she told me it's due to them being good friends) and then they do the bdsm thing which I have expressed that I would like to participate or watch sometimes but of course because I'm not deep into it I can not be in it. And that pisses me off as well.

I know another reason it went kind of bad is because of the fact that I like to take over or rather control the things especially when it came down to this situation. I wanted to make sure the abortion got down before it was too late. I just want equality all over. Her and I haven't had sex with each other in months, (we all sleep in a king size bed together) with them I'm not sure, my husband and I.... it's times when it ranges from 30 to 60 days and when I try to ask for it...he says he doesn't like if I demand it and I don't want it to feel scheduled. It's terrible that we all have slept together at least a good 3 times (while drinking of course). And then sex is iffy when kids are home because of loudness (they are 13 and 10)

I just want more of a mesh between us where you can't tell where I end he begins or where she comes in at. And it seems like they like to say I have issues or she likes to say I should talk to someone or get on medication like her. Is it wrong that I want this?

This last week or so I have been being calm, chill, haven't blown up or off the handle angry about anything, but it still frustrates what they have and what her and I don't have and it seems to be effecting my husband and I regardless what he believes. I am close to blowing my top again and don't want to do it. I've even broken down and cried in front of my 10 year old as well.
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  #13  
Old 07-03-2014, 12:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YuriRyouko View Post
This is supposed to be a triad that involves us all with him getting his master/sub fix and me getting a girlfriend/ bestie/ good friend fix and it seems like I have been tricked into this at least with her because I have wanted a triad for so long.
But people feel what they feel. Her being close friends with him but not you only says that you don't "click" as friends. Her trying to be friends with you, and then being closer with him isn't trickery as much as it is getting to know the two of you better, and gravitating toward someone who's simply more compatible; I doubt it's meant to be an affront.

My metamour wanted the two of us to be close friends - sisterly, even. And I tried, but if the "click" isn't there, it just doesn't FEEL natural. It feels forced and fake, and after a while, it just feels WRONG. I felt pressured to be closer to her than I wanted to be (to the point where, when she and I would spend time together, I felt like it was a milestone on a chart leading to the checkbox of "we're besties now!"), and that pressure just made me want to step back and say "done."

After a lot of hurt feelings, we agreed to just be what we are: respectful of each other, friends to a point, but not close friends, and that's that.

Perhaps the situation here is similar and she's just not feeling it. You can't force feelings.


Quote:
Originally Posted by YuriRyouko View Post
I just want more of a mesh between us where you can't tell where I end he begins or where she comes in at. [...] Is it wrong that I want this?
It may be what you want, but everyone is an individual, and if THEY don't want it, then it's not going to happen. Personally, I did lose myself in my (mono) marriage, and it made it so much harder than it had to be. I will never compromise myself again that way - I value my individuality too much.
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  #14  
Old 07-03-2014, 01:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yuri, it sounds like a clusterfuck. Triads often are, especially forced ones, where there is "unicorn hunting." Your unicorn is now in YOUR house, you are the main breadwinner, she and your husband are in new relationship energy (NRE) awash in sexy hormones. She is more into BDSM than you are, and your h won't do BDSM with you on a lesser scale b/c he is all about New Hot Babe.

And you have to share a bed with these 2? How can you sleep? You seem to feel taken advantage of all over the place.

I'd say you moved her in way too soon. I know Doms who meet subs online often tell their subs to move across country almost sight unseen. And subs, loving to be ordered around, do it.


But in polyamory, the best idea is to move NEARBY for a year or so, see how the relationship works being in close proximity, but not in the same house. Then, if things are good, make careful moving in plans, taking all 3 people's need for respect and privacy and time together under consideration.

Many poly people have a separate bedroom for each partner. Even if all 3 get along great and WANT to bedshare every night, it can help for everyone to have their own space for themselves, and for one on one sex. Successful triads understand each dyad needs one on one time. For sex, for dates. For cuddling in front of the TV.

You are having very yucky feelings because you feel things for the new girl that aren't reciprocated. Also, your h is dissing you and downplaying the importance of your feelings of being left out, yet living off your dime.

Bleh. What are you going to do?
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Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (42, M) since Oct 2015 (he has recently downgraded us to friends)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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  #15  
Old 07-04-2014, 12:35 AM
YuriRyouko YuriRyouko is offline
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Yeah.....What am I to do that is the question? My h was too busy online I guess to notice that I got upset and left our computer room for bed. It actually was her that noticed I was upset and sent him down to see what was wrong.

And when I told him that I felt like I was tricked into this or rather my feelings feel that way. He was actually pretty upset and hurt that I said and he asked me how come I just can't let things go. I am the one who is holding all of the hurt, etc when he was able to let go and forget when past situations (caused by me) happened and came and through it all be told me he stayed with me when if he told others what the issue or problem was they would have left and told him to leave. I want to be able to forget this stupid ass situation never happened. She says that she has moved on and doesn't care that if happened. It's over with and she has pushed it out of her mind. If i could take a pill to forget it ever happened or went down then I would and we would be back to the great beginning of us. .... the three of us where there was no issue and no problems.
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  #16  
Old 07-04-2014, 06:11 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi and welcome. Looks like you got yourselves into a sticky situation. Hmmm...

Quote:
Originally Posted by YuriRyouko View Post
. . . when she first got here things were decent and cool. We were feeling each other out, but it was like the beginning of any new relationship.
No, most new relationships don't start off living together. Why do that so soon? Why expect romance and a "best friend" before you really know each other? It's illogical.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YuriRyouko View Post
This is supposed to be a triad . . . it seems like I have been tricked into this at least with her because I have wanted a triad for so long.
You have no idea how common this is. Anytime a couple of unicorn hunters makes the relationship configuration they want as the most important goal to achieve, it spells D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. Read this blog from beginning to end to see what I mean: Mom, Where are we going? Crazy dear. That is just one glaring example out of many. Instead of trying to fit people into the type of poly ideal you want, the better approach is to get to know people, and see what happens. People first, then seeing what works, not coming along with a box you want the person to fit into, such as lover/sub/best friend/third person in a triad, as if their purpose is to serve you and your wild imaginings. You even said your husband basically "brought her here because I wanted her," and now you're feeling entitled as if she's supposed to fill that role or else. You don't see it, but you're treating her like a thing, not a person. You've objectified the goal of having a triad, and objectified her. It's like you want it all to fall into place instantaneously, which - of course - is some real magical thinking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YuriRyouko View Post
. . . since this pregnancy issue and all to me it seems like she gets more attention or she shows him more (which she told me it's due to them being good friends) and then they do the bdsm thing which I have expressed that I would like to participate or watch sometimes but of course because I'm not deep into it I can not be in it. And that pisses me off as well.
The above section really comes off like a spoiled brat having a tantrum, I hate to point out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YuriRyouko View Post
I know another reason it went kind of bad is because of the fact that I like to take over or rather control the things especially when it came down to this situation.
No kidding! Your desire to be in control is extremely obvious. Why? What do you expect to gain from trying to control everything? Have you ever considered simply surrendering to what life brings you and being grateful for every moment? Your seem very demanding and high-maintenance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YuriRyouko View Post
I just want more of a mesh between us where you can't tell where I end he begins or where she comes in at. And it seems like they like to say I have issues or she likes to say I should talk to someone or get on medication like her. Is it wrong that I want this?
It's just that you keep ranting about what you want, you want, you want, as if what they want shouldn't even be a consideration.

Personally, I feel you invited this woman to move in with you much too soon, because you both expected her to fulfill unrealistic expectations, and now you are suffering the backlash and whining about it. You really need to take a few steps back, slow things down, and grow up. I would think she should live independently elsewhere and you two have dates with her, start all over again.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-04-2014 at 06:14 AM.
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  #17  
Old 07-04-2014, 07:19 AM
YuriRyouko YuriRyouko is offline
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@nycindie That would be a great idea if she could just move out and we court her and all that. She was actually going to wait a good 6 months or whatever before she moved out here and us getting to know each other online and all. But, then unexpectedly her bf at the time who she was drifting away from and who wasn't appreciative of what she does (cook, clean, etc) and who was verbally abusive toward her got wind that she was going to be leaving and moving out of state to live with us. So, he sped things up and told her to get her s*** and get out. There was no where else for her to go but here. And I wish she was independent enough and who knew our city better and would be able to just live on her own (I'm not saying she's clueless, but coming from a small town to a big city. She's already showed her naive-ness on a few issues already. So, how can this (starting all over) be achieved when there is no other choice and we all do live with each other? Cause as I said before I asked my h what if I wanted to send her back to her home state or whatever? And he said that he would be very angry and pissed off about that. I know this can work in the way I want and in what they want. I just have to start thinking of their wants and needs and not just my own.
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  #18  
Old 07-04-2014, 03:14 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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One can learn to live in a city.

Is there money for her to get a flat nearby?

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  #19  
Old 07-04-2014, 05:29 PM
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I was under the impression that after she had the abortion, you (were angry and?) kind of withdrew from her. Did I read that part wrong? Maybe if you do things to warm up to her she will reciprocate?
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  #20  
Old 07-05-2014, 06:35 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I generally have found that I accomplish more in terms of resolving relationships problems if I quit focusing on what "we" or "they" can do and focus ONLY on what I can do personally-on my own.

Instead of considering the group as a whole, maybe you need to focus on what do YOU need to do FOR YOURSELF to make it so that YOU can be happy regardless of whatever is going on around you.

It's a reality that we can't change anyone else. So the more we fight against what IS in an effort to make what we WISH it was, the more miserable we are.

It is what it is. Period.
Tomorrow it may be something else, but today it is what it is today.
So instead of bemoaning the fact that person x or y isn't being or doing what you WISH they were; start focusing on what you can do for yourself to satisfy your own needs and desires to enjoy life.

USUALLY other people find us to be more attractive as friends and partners when we are already happy and fulfilled individuals. So if you wish that you and she could be closer, maybe the big change that needs to happen is you making yourself happy.

My bf once asked me what he could do to get a girlfriend (years and years ago).
I told him, "get a life of your own, show that you have something worth being with, have goals, work towards them, take care of yourself (physically, mentally, emotionally), be the kind of person that you would find attractive"
When we are focused on building a relationship, we do the exact things that people find so UNATTRACTIVE in others. Like being overbearing, controlling, hyper sensitive, pissy.
On the other hand, when we focus on doing the things that we enjoy, finding our own interests, hobbies, goals; we become more of the kind of person ALL people find attractive. We create a whirlwind of "WOW look at HER(him)!"
People want to be happy and satisfied, they are attracted to people who are happy and satisfied. Misery loves company; as in, miserable people attract more misery....

So instead of focusing on all this bs with the relationship dynamics of your triad or even the dynamics of the dyads within that triad, I think you need to focus on the relationship you have with yourself. When you are happy with your life, feel good about how you are living it; you will be more apt to be able to enjoy your dyadic relationships and that will increase the possibility of having a functional triad.
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abortion, bisexual female, emotions, jealousy, panic, pregnancy, third partner, triad breaking down, triad fallout, triad relationship, triad sex, triads, unicorn, unicorn hunters

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