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  #1  
Old 06-28-2014, 12:42 AM
YuriRyouko YuriRyouko is offline
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Post When All Goes Wrong (Triad Relationship/Jealousy)

I have been involved in a triad relationship for the last 9 months. My husband and I have always been involved with another female, but the ones we tried to do the triad relationship with were crazy and manipulative. So, through online gaming communities my husband met this woman who was cool, vibrant and had a great personality and they became really good friends online. I spoke with her and camera chatted with her a few times. She flew down to hang with us last year and enjoyed it every since. Long story short...she moved to our state and became our third (my girlfriend and friend and my husbands submissive...since that's what he needs). Everything was going great. I never seemed to have a jealous bone in my body. Every once in awhile I would feel a little left out when they would be hanging out or talking, but that's because they were gaming buddies and hanging out online as friends for a year before her and I talked the few times that we did. This past December our third got pregnant (here's a little back story...she has pmdd and a few other menstrual issues that make pregnancy next to impossible or very hard to happen...but it happened). She didn't tell us, but something was bugging me that hey she's quick to get an attitude, she was eating crazy food combinations, etc. I was cleaning one day and found the test and she finally admitted it to us and she said we didn't have to worry about it it was her problem to deal with it. By her saying that that rubbed me the wrong way....yes I understand it's her body but we're in a 3 way relationship for one, but yet she wanted to deal with it herself. She wound up eventually getting an abortion which was sad and upsetting for her and everyone. But, since this situation it's like I get jealous when I see them wrapped up together or going out together and I'm trying to understand where this is coming from. Before this situation happened her and I used to conversate about whatever and I would lean on her, lay on her, play in her hair, etc whereas now we hardly if barely even talk to each other and we all live in the same house. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell has happened and gone wrong. I liked our relationship before this situation happened...we were in the beginning stages of a great and beautiful thing and it still can be if this blockade wasn't in the way. Has anyone else been through something like this or know what may be happening?
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Old 06-28-2014, 01:03 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It sounds to me like you (and you may not be conscious of this) are in a state of mourning over the aborted child. That and you're thinking you had a right to be told about the pregnancy right away, so you may have some buried anger towards her.

You should probably give this some time and let your feelings process through the stages of grief. At the same time the three of you need to have productive conversations with each other where your feelings are aired and solutions are sought. Don't just let it fester.

I'm sorry you've been through this upsetting series of events, and I hope you and she can regain some of the warmth and closeness you used to have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 06-28-2014, 06:22 AM
MightyMax MightyMax is offline
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I might be wrong but it seems as if you felt as if this pregnancy was yours as well as hers. I could understand if the person who conceived the baby was put out by her keeping it a secret and her general attitude towards the pregnancy, but it would still be her right and he would be wrong for pressuring her to do anything other than what she wants to do. You're not the person who conceived the baby with her and she didn't invite you to be a co-parent or contribute to the decision making process so I'm not sure why you are feeling negatively towards her. It was her pregnancy and she dealt with it in the way she thought was best.
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:42 AM
YuriRyouko YuriRyouko is offline
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I appreciate those of you who have responded thus far. I have been racking my brain and trying to soul search on this matter for awhile (and this situation was a good 6 to 7 months ago). But, when this situation happened (the three of us just now sort of sat and talked about this a few days ago when I had a meltdown) a separation happened between her and I. She even spoke on this the other day and she said that she hated that this situation caused a separation between us but since then (7 months ago) my behavior (attitude) has caused it to get bigger since then. I am going to try to be more cool, calm and collective....since my husband says that I blow up and go off on things now and maybe that will help things along.

@kdt26417 (Kevin T.): I have never thought of it that way and have never realized that that may be what I am experiencing. This could also have to do with my past as well. When, I was younger I had to abort and I don't believe I took the time to grieve at all. I was in school and just trying to finish and survive my first year of college.



I am so glad I found this forum and that way I can either find answers or connect with those who have been through what I have or can understand and give advice on things.
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Old 06-28-2014, 12:50 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Two years ago I got pregnant at the age of 40. We had thought I couldn't. I didn't want a baby at this stage of my life, but husband kind of thought he did. Hubby is a sweetie, but he works all the time, and has substance abuse issues, so child care would have fallen almost 100% on my shoulders. Also, to be honest, we had just opened the marriage and I was chomping at the bit to explore the new relationship I was in. So, I got an abortion, though I knew it was probably my last chance to bear children.

Afterwards, my husband struggled with a great deal of anger, sadness, and negativity over the episode. His libido towards me dwindled, and he would bring it up every time we argued. So you aren't alone, and I don't think your feelings are uncommon. He had to grieve the loss of his dream of becoming a father, and the reality of who he married, and it took some time.
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Old 06-28-2014, 05:44 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Perhaps she didn't appreciate your reaction to her statement that her pregnancy was her problem and not yours. Just because she is in a relationship with you doesn't mean she gave up her autonomy and free will. Give her time and space, and make sure not to place unrealistic expectations on her simply because you are all in a triad. There are four different dynamics to manage in a triad, and the relationships will naturally ebb and flow.
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Old 06-28-2014, 09:33 PM
YuriRyouko YuriRyouko is offline
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@nycindie: That is something that I will have to think on and about. She has continued to be her loving, bubbly, awesome self with my husband and my children. This is new to my husband and I as actually having a triad. Like I said in the first post we had tried to do this with a few other females but it never worked out and they never lived with us. The woman we are with now is wonderful and the best thing that we have come across for us and hasn't and is not into pulling us apart which is what the others tried to do. So, I would love any direction toward forums about being new to the triad lifestyle. And what are the four different dynamics to manage in a triad I would love to learn that?

It's just that this particular issue caused a separation between us. And she has even said that she was sorry that she let it happen but due to my negativity on the issue and continued attitude has caused the trouble. I am making every effort to work on myself. My husband told me not to worry about the relationship aspect of this triad...he feels that we will be just fine. He wants me to worry more on myself and work out the issues of why the situation has caused me to become very angry all the time and explode. The best answer I have seen since first posting about this issue is that it could be grief; which i didn't understand until I started to look it up about grief pertaining to abortion. So, what I am choosing to do is find someone to talk about this with and what I am seeing is that this anger could be grief from my long ago abortion and that is what is causing this anger (which I have had for a long time according to my husband but it got much worse after this issue) and then will I be able to get back to the relationship in the way that I/we want it to be.

I'm just staying afloat right now but want betterment of myself for the long run.
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Old 06-28-2014, 10:10 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"And what are the four different dynamics to manage in a triad, I would love to learn that?"
They are:
  • you and your husband
  • you and the other female
  • your husband and the other female
  • all three of you as a three-person unit
Re:
Quote:
"I would love any direction toward forums about being new to the triad lifestyle."
I'd just do a tag search on this forum for the word triad ... a lot of relevant threads could be found that way.

At the same time, if you continue describing your situation and asking advice right here on this thread, you will find that a lot of diverse wisdom will come your way.

You might want to do a search or tag search for "grief" too, since that's a big part of what you're contending with right now.

It's important to remember that all individuals are unique, and consequently all relationships are unique too. It would be hard to write a "Standard Triad How-To Manual" because there's not exactly such a thing as a "standard triad." There's just you, your unique triad, and the unique combination of time, research, and experience, that will help you find out what works for you.
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Old 07-01-2014, 05:59 PM
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mmkeekah mmkeekah is offline
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I wonder, too, if part of your anger or resentment (if that is what is causing these feelings) might be that she wanted to handle the pregnancy and abortion on her own.

You don't really talk about what type of triad you all have but I can reason that most people in a relationship want their partners to feel as if they could share in something as major as a pregnancy/abortion. Just a thought and not saying this IS what the issue is - just maybe related?
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Old 07-01-2014, 08:14 PM
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Do you have children with your husband? I wonder if some of the problem is that she got pregnant by him and you are upset by that on some level - perhaps subconsciously you wanted it to be you?
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abortion, bisexual female, emotions, jealousy, panic, pregnancy, third partner, triad breaking down, triad fallout, triad relationship, triad sex, triads, unicorn, unicorn hunters

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