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Old 06-24-2014, 05:57 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,050
Default Metamour to blame?

So I've had some interesting discussions with friends and acquintances lately. When I state that I have broken up with Whip, almost all of the time, the friend or acquaintance initially assumes that his other partner is 'responsible' or involved in some way or caused our breakup in some way, directly or indirectly. And they've done so with no prompting on my part.

I find this puzzling. As it happens, I don't hold her responsible for anything to do with my relationship with Whip. Yes, he stopped spending time with me, our connection suffered because of it. The reason is that he was heavily involved in building a business. It is a business they own together and both work on. But that fact alone doesn't make her responsible or even relevant in how my relationship fell apart. I mean, I suppose, it's possible she was digging my grave behind my back but I just don't think so. This is on him. He's responsible for his part, as I am for mine.

Have others experienced this? Or something similar? Where the metamour 'gets the blame' in some way from others for the end of the relationships?
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Old 06-24-2014, 11:51 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519

Well, my metamour tried to blame me for the falling apart of her relationship with my partner.

But, no, no one's ever really thought she had any effect on my relationship with him. When things went badly, which they did for awhile, they wholly blamed him. When things went good, they credited him and me for improving things. My case may have been different, since none of my friends had any contact with my metamour and barely knew she existed.
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Old 06-24-2014, 11:59 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,928

I think it is human nature for some people to go outside in and furthest from themselves.

So if they know you and like you, and know him and like him, but do not know her, easiest to push on to her. She is the furthest from them.

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Old 06-25-2014, 01:29 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,885

I think the person involved in the relationships to blame, for instance I have a friend who got a new boyfriend and when her boyfriend moved to town she ignored the needs of her previous partners and those relationships dissolved and now she's only with the new boyfriend, totally her fault. Iu t has nothing to do with the new guy, she is responsible for maintaining her relationships, that's all there is to it.
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Old 06-25-2014, 05:27 PM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

I'm... paranoid.. for want of a better word, that my partner's ex believes it was all down to me that we split up. I mean, I happen to know lots of what was said first hand, so I am sure that he didn't do that thing where he made out it was my decision, but I start thinking that maybe he didn't believe her. This has plagued me so much that I actually asked him whether he'd be willing to reiterate that to her, weeks after they split. Ridiculous I know. Good job he's smart (and brave!) enough to tell me that. But yeah, I do still wonder that, simply because, in his eyes (and what he said to her) I went from "jealous but wanted partner rethinking poly" to "neglected but wanted partner about to leave" literally overnight. I wouldn't have bought it if I were her. Especially because she doesn't know the ins and outs of how he behaved towards me. Not the things I consider "key" anyway.

If I'm even more honest, I'm still a little bit resentful (it's been about three months since they split) towards my partner purely because his negative behaviour during that time coloured her view of me. I can understand her thinking negatively about me (instead of him) to some extent because of the way he handled things. This issue I have with him doing this isn't even really a "relationship thing". I generally hate it when people misrepresent me or cause me to appear in a different light.

I don't even know what she thinks. She might believe what he said and understand that he bit off more than he could chew and she was his casualty. At my worst times i even question whether walking away would have been the better option*, because then I would have had some influence over what she thought of me. She would have more or less thought "she was unhappy, so she left". Now he's made the choices he made, I have no idea what she thinks.

*The other option being to hang it out like I did, and hope he will see my point of view. He did, but looking at things from a different angle caused him to rethink more than how he handles his poly relationships.
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